Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

I strongly disagree that anyone's feelings on a subject that impacts them is "irrelevant". Obviously the children exist, what has that got to do with anything or the fact I shared on here that I prefer it when they aren't with us because of my husband's behaviour.

I don't show it, but I will if it ever becomes an issue for our joint DC who is too young at the moment to really understand but won't be forever.

It's also not just sweets, that was one example. It's part of a wider pattern of basically trying to be "cool friend" rather than parent which I don't know how anyone can argue is best for the kids.

It’s simply unacceptable to indicate to his younger child that he’s not sufficiently happy when it’s just them.

So you want him (not having seen his kids for a week or so, to just carry on as though they weren't actually there apart from 'normal' interaction? Not to treat them as though he's pleased to see them? Not to treat them and make them feel special and welcome?

You're jealous.

100% agree. In the same way many posters agree it's not reasonable to show step children you aren't happy with X or Y because it's not their fault, it's not resident DCs fault either and they shouldn't be made to feel like their dad isn't as happy when it's just them.

You're jealous.

Bingo! Very lazy, stupid argument spouted by people with no experience.

I think it would have been better if you said you disagree with dp parenting of his children. Your putting the focus on them for something that really isn't their fault. I'm not a step parent but my dh is and we just have 3 kids we don't differentiate between them, they are all treated equally. But we do parent together, maybe the issue is that you don't get any say in this when it's happening in your and your dc home and does impact on you. I think sometimes separate parents get a bit competitive for wanting to be the best parent.

Yes that's totally what I said he should make out he's not pleased to see them...

Pleased to see them is one thing, going completely overboard as if royalty has arrived and letting them do and have whatever they like whether its good for them or not and expecting everyone else to get involved with the facade is an entirely different thing. But you know that.

How am I? I said I prefer it when they aren't there because of my husband's behaviour. I didn't say because I dislike them or because of their behaviour.

I'm not a step parent but my dh is and we just have 3 kids we don't differentiate between them, they are all treated equally

And how do you think your DH would feel if you didn't do this? Do you think he might prefer it when he didn't have to deal with that i.e. when your other kids weren't there?

How am I? I said I prefer it when they aren't there because of my husband's behaviour. I didn't say because I dislike them or because of their behaviour.

Tbf I prefer it when my SC isn't here and it is because of his behaviour. That's hardly a surprising or problematic way to feel when their behaviour is difficult!

Because it's not their fault you would hopefully be happier with them being their if dp was different. So you need to talk to dp you should have a voice in what happens in your house and impacts on your dc.

Oh dear. Perhaps give OP's posts a read before commenting and save yourself the embarrassment of getting it so very wrong.

I’d say that fathers who do the coming alive only for the SC thing are emotionally abusing their younger children.

I would be happy yes. I think I'd still prefer it even without this issue as it's just easy in the house with less kids. I feel about them as I do a friend's DC really, I don't miss them when they aren't here and without the issue of my husbands behaviour which is problematic, I would still probably prefer the time they weren't with us. Not to say I hate the time they are but prefer it, yes.

The kids, at 13 and 10, will know you don't want them there (or "prefer it when they're not there "). My children had a similar experience. Their dad probably carried on like a Disney dad, but they don't go there so much now because his partner also prefers it when they're not there. She didn't tell them this but they felt it. She probably also thought she didn't show it.

You can also show your pleasure at seeing someone without going full scale Disney. My husband manages to do so, as do I. A cuddle, a conversation, sitting down to eat as a whole family and getting on with life, including them in it as an equal and important member of the family. Giving boundaries, expectations and rules as well as time, attention and love. It isn't either or.

Maybe reframe this to stop leaning on the evil SM trope.

your kids no longer see their father much because HE failed to make them feel like part of the family.

Jealous, how so? OP is not asking that DH ignores his children, just that they are treated without all the unnecessary bells and whistles.

By your own reasoning, do you also expect their DM to do the same Disney parenting after a week of not seeing her children, or will it be business as usual when they are back home with mum?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I could reframe it but it wouldn't be true. They didn't stop going there because he was or wasn't a Disney dad. They stopped going because the partner made them feel unwelcome. It's not their job to manage her feelings about how her partner parents. She should have managed that without it impacting the children. I said he "probably " carried on Lilia Disney dad, I don't know, but she definitely made them feel unwelcome. No need to try to paint me as someone who hates step parents. I have an amazing step mum.

It's not their job but it is HIS job tbf. If he made the situation intolerable for her he only has himself to blame if she ended up less than keen.

This is actually the crux of the issue. You don't want them around at all.

@

@aSofaNearYou No idea, I wasn't there but that's how they felt. I'm just here to pick up the pieces.

I think threads like this should be compulsory reading for anyone considering ‘blending’ families.

Do you know what? My H prefers it when his older children aren’t there. His appalling Disney dad behaviour is driven by his own guilt over the ambivalence he feels about his children. He mostly acts out of a sense of obligation towards them, guilt at the situation and fear that they’ll decide they aren’t going to come (and his image as a ‘good father’ will disappear).

Any wonder that trying to live with that for half of all weekends was intolerable?

The man should never have had children, frankly.