Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

I'm not projecting anything. I'm pointing out that displays of affection/love that are always linked to the giving of treats etc. is very damaging for all children - even those in intact families.
In a nrp setting if the nrp makes all contact about treats, gifts etc. the dc get a very skewed version of what 'love' looks like & this is actually very bad for them as they move through life.

You really aren't getting it are you?

There is a massive difference between showing someone you've missed them and that you love them and treating them like royalty to the detriment of everyone else in the house. It's called balance and doesn't involve copious amounts of junk, treats the family can't afford and catering to every single whim.

Children thrive on rules and boundaries, that's what creates security. Disney parenting creates seriously messed up children.

His child with OP gets to live with him full time. It is already unequal.

This is only being looked at in one direction.

Do you think that when DSC are with their DM she should treat them in the same way as that is also unequal as she only spends 50% of the time with them?

To add to that, do you think that she would also treat them differently than any other DC she had with new DH or DP as she lives with younger DC full-time?

No, she would not, she would treat them exactly the same as most other women would do. They are all her children, the fact that she shares custody of one or more of them with a previous partner will have no bearing on how they are treated when at home.

I’m certain, she wouldn’t be running circles around them and giving less attention to the younger DC just because her older children were home.

Then you should have posted separately because that doesn't relate to what I've said about my situation, which you quoted. None of that is relevant to what I've said.

I have Dsc and we have 2 dd.

Though it's nice to have this parttime bigger family, and I enjoy it when the kids all get on, the dynamics can really make the house feel weird.

When dsc are here my dH definitely favours them and everything revolves around them. My DDs are starting to notice it and the whole "well daddy lives with you so needs to give dsc more time" is wearing thin.

I love my dsc but adore it when they're not here as we can just relax. It does feel like we have guests when they're here.

I'd never tell them, my kids or my dh this though.

You said he's not abusing them - I a actually thing he is. That's your opinion which I chose to refute.
It's a open forum & discussion is allowed.

Ok, try reading my posts again, that should help your understanding.

I have an older half brother and sister and my dad did this when they used to come over. Honestly my dm had way more of a problem with it than we ever did in fact we used to look forward to them coming because it meant bbqs and fun trips out maybe a tent sleepover in the garden it made us all closer as siblings. Looking back my dad just wanted to make up for the fact he couldn’t always see them and it’s kind of sad in a way.

Oo goodie, another thread filled with step parenting bashing..

also I’d rather have my dad there all the time than be spoilt with sweets ect he only did it because he wanted to make it up to them that he couldn’t always be there and I think to make it fun so they would always want to visit. I feel so sorry for parents who love their children so much but don’t get to love with them full time.

I suspect Disney parenting from both or either parent is a contributor to first families splitting up in the first place! How many Dad's flip from being a boundaries, expectations and rules guy overnight into Disney mode? Maybe Mum was always in charge of the kids, and Dad did the fun stuff back then?

Read this sentence from the OP and boggle:
He goes into overdrive when they come to the point where he's letting them have share bags of sweets and things like that most nights.

Well, I'm assuming this is literal (bags) - so this sounds like a share bag per child most nights when they're with Dad. They're 50/50, so say 3 nights per week....
3 share bags of sweets per child per week. Etch that into your brain and say most mothers would be delighted for their child. Does Mum have to make them go sugar free on her time to try and balance it out a bit? Would you want to get a child back each week that is so sugar dependent it rules YOUR life?

And what about their health as the years go by. Will they be diabetic inside 5 years? Do you know the long term consequences of diabetes in childhood??? Have you ever watched a friend desperate for a new kidney? Going blind? Needing limbs amputated? Is this your happy future for your child?

@Chime11
Presumably you knew the children and had spent time with them before bringing another child into the mix?
So did you prefer it when they weren't around before your child was born as well?

@SomeLikeItWarm my understanding is fine thanks

Ignore all the MNers who just completely go against what ever you say because you are the SM.

MN thinks every step child can do what they want just because they were here before you.

in your post it clearly shows it’s not the DSC it’s your husbands behaviour that changes, which is wrong.

i completely understand how you feel but your husband is a Disney dad and needs to sort his shit out. Good luck OP!

Of course it is.

I feel so sorry for parents who love their children so much but don’t get to love with them full time.
Why feel sorry for them? Most splits/divorces are mutual & most parents (myself included) know that divorce is going to reduce contact with your dc.
Adults choose divorce in the main - it's not some awful external thing that befalls them.

A step mum is supposed to love the kids as their own ? Give over. Not everyone feels that way. They have a mother.

@RocketsMagnificent7

You can also show your pleasure at seeing someone without going full scale Disney. My husband manages to do so, as do I. A cuddle, a conversation, sitting down to eat as a whole family and getting on with life, including them in it as an equal and important member of the family. Giving boundaries, expectations and rules as well as time, attention and love. It isn't either or.
^^^
This
My dsc actually helped with jobs same as the other 2.
All equal.

Exactly. They knew what they were getting into when they went through divorce.

My DH is the same when his children come to stay. Dynamics change and the house is chaos. I like it when they go home and I can get the house back in order. Having extra people in the house causes mess and chaos, it's not a crime to feel that way and it doesn't mean you dislike them!

@RocketsMagnificent7 Are you attempting to say that when his DC are there he completely ignores his wife and their joint DC. Don't be silly. OP doesn't say that, just that he behaves differently when the SDC are there. Of course joint DC enjoys their dads attention 100% of available time, in that he interacts normally with them, and more in line with how the OP wishes him to parent.

@OP of course you are entitled to prefer your DH to behave in a less hyper way and no one would deny that, but when you start a thread you obviously attract a wide range of views, from people agreeing with your stance, and some not, and some in the middle. It's perfectly reasonable to prefer what you know, but it's also unreasonable to expect DH to not treat his other DC in a way he wants.

I don't think most divorces are mutual
And people stay together for / to live with their kids when divorce would be better
And when my dd went ti her dads eow I miss her every single second but it was only fair.

Yes! I think the more people admit this the better. Obviously you don't say anything to the kids or let it show but it's fine to admit you prefer some days to others.

The only people I have ever seen on this forum say

you must love them like your own
treat them like royalty
they are the first born and therefore the priority etc are embittered step mums.

Most of us who have DCS with step parents - just want them treated fairly and kindly. We do not expect love, disney Dad etc - we expect rules and normal family life with some tlc from their NRP..

Sorry there is such much bs on here and it amazes me how many new blended families bring their resident DCS up to such a higher standard than their SDCs are raised - the subtle criticism of the lack of standards in the other house is constant.

If you only see your DCs 2 days per week - you will maximise the time you spend with them, new DCS can be included but there is usually a big age gap ie, 5-10 years in some cases so activities are different. That is not disney dadding that is life.

Thank heavens my DCS stepmum and EX are just normal, normal family rules, eating, behaviour, bed times and we communicate without an air of superiority from either side.

He’s definitely emotionally abusing the younger child who gets to witness the red carpet treatment their father gives only some of his children.