Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

True, I think perhaps he thinks he is, my family didn’t do enough to make me feel secure, he is probably going overboard.

Hopefully the op can help him be more balanced. It’s not easy for anyone involved!

Or with the parent running Disney camp every time the kids arrive.

Oh, agreed. Unfortunately DSC also had a Disney mum so unless they were treated the same at ours, they wouldn’t come. I just got out of the way.

Going overboard doesn’t generally make children feel secure though.

what most SMs want is the SC to be part of normal family life when they’re there - with boundaries and routines just like everyone else. That’s probably the best way to make them feel secure and included.

The thing about Disney dad behaviour - despite what the Disney dad apologists seem to think - is that it’s intensely othering to everyone. It others the SC who are treated like they aren’t really part of the family out of fear they won’t come any more; it others the other children who know they don’t merit all this fuss and attention; it others the SM and makes her an outsider.

NR fathers should get themselves therapy so that they can have healthy relationships with their children, not bury their problems under mountains of toys, big days out and failure to exercise parental authority.

Hobson's choice OP: the DSC are there 24/7 for a 'normal' life... or the DSC visit and Disney Dad appears? Surely you'd want them to feel happy during their visits?

I think this is far less about Disney dad and for more about the shift in focus...

Oh come on. Disney dad =/= happy kids.

They're there 50/50. That doesn't require a Disney dad approach.

Disney dad doesn’t result in happy, secure kids - it results insecure kids who look for fuss and attention, and feel anxious otherwise

I suspect the DCs own mother isn't pleased with this behaviour either. They'll come back whining "dad lets us do what we want"

I get you, OP. It sounds tedious. I’ve done the whole step parent thing and never again. Not for me.

Absolutely.

My older DS is here EOW (and during the week too - but that’s different because it’s all just school and work). I don’t Disney up the weekends because he’s here. It’s just normal life. Some fun stuff, chores, general life. Meals with vegetables.

My H’s approach to the SC was always days out, multiple activities a day, meals out, everything totally revolving around them (not anyone else - including the other children involved!) was awful. Hugely disruptive. And the SC’s behaviour was dreadful.

disney parenting is bad for everyone involved.

So let's get this straight? A father who puts effort into making sure his kids feel safe < a father who makes no effort?

You're all backwards.

So let's get this straight? A father who puts effort into making sure his kids feel happy < a father who makes no effort?You're all backwards.

Nobody has said that. There's a line between being a good parent and being a Disney parent.

You can be useless and be a Disney dad.
You can be great and not spoil your children every time you see them.

I think non custodial parents do have to work harder as the kids get older to keep that connection. As they become teens they get tired of the back and forth and you often see them starting to resist going to one parent's house, wanting to stay put. I don't know if he actually goes overboard as all you have said is he allows them sweets or if he is just working hard at being a connected and involved parent to kids who are getting older and getting to an age when they start to pull away from parents and move towards friends.

Strongly disagree. My step children are with us 50/50 and I have a slight preference for the time when they are with us. That is to say I love my partner and take real pleasure in watching him parent and supporting that. It's such a huge part of who he is that to seperate the two would be impossible. We're a family and I miss them when they're not around. I feel for the chidren in the situations you describe, don't fool yourself, they, will sense your feelings.

Yes that's exactly what we've said 🤣 pulled a muscle with that stretch?

I don't even necessarily disagree and I've said I can't say I wouldn't be doing the same in his position, I get it from a parents POV you could be desperate to make sure they want to keep coming as they get older.

Doesn't really change anything though in that I still prefer it when they are not here.

*Yes I know you prefer it when his other kids aren’t there, because you say he changes, but it comes across to me that you don’t like their presence because you and your dc don’t have his full undivided attention.

You haven’t answered the poster who asked how often you see them*

Very familiar writing style and complete disregard of what the OP actually says in order to make up your own version of events. Interesting.

I get it OP and I bloody adore my SC, but there's no denying when they're here there's a bit of extra chaos and harder to keep the plates spinning. And that's with kids who are really good, easy to be around and a husband who properly parents. I can't imagine how much harder it is with Disney dad who expects red carpet treatment for his kids.

I think that's one of the differences between stepfamilies who work and those who don't. Expectations and placing the SC on whacking great pedestals.

Our family works because every child in the house has the same rules and expectations, and are all treated fairly with adjustments made for age etc. No one gets red carpet treatment except for on their birthday, no one gets to dictate how the rest of the family live or what we do.

DH has every other week. For long boring reasons I won't go into the last time they were due here he went to see them instead. I relaxed so much that weekend.

You can have your preference and vent but your feelings are pretty irrelevant in the scenario because the kids exist. Just like parents with a difficult child who find it easier when the child isn't home. You can enjoy that child free time but the kids exist and are part of the family and are his children so if you express it or show it - it is more than fair that he and the kids would be hurt.

Vent it on here but watch it doesn't start to seep into your relationship with your husband or his relationship with his kids.

OP, you are not being unreasonable, as a PP has said, your DH should not behave any differently with your DSC than with the DC he shares with you.

Life should be life, DSC are not on holiday when they are with you, and if time with their DD is treated as such, the demands and expectations will increase as they get older.

Disney parenting is bad parenting, no matter how you look at it. It can be just as toxic as no parenting, it just manifests in a completely different way.

I’m not sure why there have been so many attacks on the OP, I can only think that these are by mums whose DC are someone else’s DSC, but who have no DSC of their own.

Mums who are living the experience of DSC, just seem to want their DH/P to behave normally and not create a circus whenever DSC are home. Not an unreasonable expectation, especially when residency is 50/50 as in OPs case.

Surely it is in all the interest of both DC and DSC to create a normal, stable home life. Yes, this will involve days out and treats etc, but in moderation. How many of us run around and pander to our children’s every whim, stuffing them with junk food and sweets?

As it’s 50:50, your husbands attitude really does need addressing. I could almost understand it if he only saw them every other weekend (it still wouldn’t be ok) but 50:50, he really needs to do better.

He will only make them feel like visitors by treating them better, and he’ll make his other child feel like they’re not as good. I’ve seen it cause resentment amongst the siblings as well as between all the adults involved. It’s no good for anyone and it’s completely unnecessary. The happiest blended families I know are where the step kids arrive, and after the initial hugs and catchups, life just continues as normal because it’s just home and family. I would be insisting it changes, it’s not sustainable as it is.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander or happiest when all his children are there.

*You can have your preference and vent but your feelings are pretty irrelevant in the scenario because the kids exist. Just like parents with a difficult child who find it easier when the child isn't home. You can enjoy that child free time but the kids exist and are part of the family and are his children so if you express it or show it - it is more than fair that he and the kids would be hurt.

Vent it on here but watch it doesn't start to seep into your relationship with your husband or his relationship with his kids*

Completely disagree that she can't express this to her husband. She should, especially if it's his behaviour that makes her feel that way. Step parents shouldn't live their lives pussy footing around the bloody obvious with their partners.