Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

OP, I could have written your opening post and totally understand how you feel. My husband was a world class Disney Dad and it created such a weird dynamic, he and DSS were more like Romeo and Juliet than father and son.

And if, for example, you were struggling with the prescence of your in-laws, you would get tonnes of sympathy, but the minute you mention step children, it’s a whole different ball-game, you’re supposed to tolerate all sorts of sh*t without complaint.

But we're only hearing this from OPs point of view.

Maybe DH sees things differently and feels happy spoiling and fussing his children as a way of making up for not seeing them so often. When ex sees his kids he makes a huge fuss of them, takes them out, does activities with them, and they come back happy to have had such a nice time. Disney dad has become a term of abuse here. I'm happy my kids enjoy their days with Dad. I'm sure OPs SDC also do and that her DH enjoys his time with his kids.

So why does her desire to have a quiet 'normal' life trump his and his kids?

Is it because his attention is diverted away from her and their DC?

That’s how they felt doesn’t mean it isn’t their father’s fault.

I was angry at my mum for throwing my father out when I was a teenager. I can now look back and see that she was more than justified, doing the right thing for the family and that my dad cultivated my anger at my mum. But if you’d asked me at 14, it was all my mum’s fault. That’s how I felt.

SMs are brilliantly convenient scapegoats for everyone’s negative feelings about a situation. Their husbands often make use of this because it shields them from legitimate criticism.

He CHOSE to have more children. Choosing to disrupt their routines so he can do the not-real-parent nonresident Disney dad thing as soon as the SC arrive is not fair on them.

SM are always being told the children must be treated equally. Why is it ok for the children’s father to treat them inequitably?

Well if his attention is excessively diverted away from Op and their DC, to the point where he is largely ignoring them and/or there is a marked difference between how he acts with his older children and how he acts with his younger children when the older one's aren't there, then this IS a problem, no matter how hard you try to dismiss it.

But otherwise, OPs desire for a quiet life doesn't trump his desire to spoil them, it just has natural consequences that he and posters such as yourself need to be able to handle - ie, OP will prefer the time they are not there.

His child with OP gets to live with him full time. It is already unequal.

This is ALL on the dad.

HE already had kids.
HE chose to have more kids. I'm so sick of women being blamed for mens decisions.
HE should only have had more kids if he was prepared to treat them all the same. It's not up to any sm to make up for a dads shoddy & inept parenting.
For every comment on here that says "you shouldn't have gotten with a man with dc unless you were prepared to love them" I say "you shouldn't have had any more dc unless you knew you had the emotional capacity to parent them all in the same manner".

This is actually the crux of the issue. You don't want them around at all.

Preferring it when they're not there/not actively wanting them there is not the same thing as actively wanting them to not be there, and it's certainly not the same thing as taking steps to ensure they don't come.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Hardly the same.

She's not been blamed for his behaviour. She's behaving in a way that makes it clear she doesn't want them there. An adult woman making children feel unwelcome for any reason in their home is unlikely to provoke a rethink in later years. Their dad isn't abusing them, he's trying to give them what time and affection he can in the limited time he has with them. It's worse if she's doing it because she's annoyed at him. She needs to manage her relationship properly. Why is she not responsible for her own behaviour? She can't just say "I'm acting like this because of him" and expect it to be ok. I don't care what the reason is for her behaviour, I care about how my children feel.

His child with OP gets to live with him full time. It is already unequal.

But spoiling DSC doesn’t overcome this inequality, and can give the DSC the ‘victim’ mentality. My DSC have been spoilt by both parents (out of guilt), and as a result they are insecure, anxious young adults and they cannot cope well with school, friends, family or work. The best thing parents can do is PARENT.

@aSofaNearYou OP doesn't say he ignores his DC with her when his other DC are there. His DC with OP get 100% of his time and attention whereas his other DC only get 50% so surely he can make it a bit special for them?

I'm sure it will settle down with time.

His child with OP gets to live with him full time. It is already unequal.
And that is not that child's fault.
That's also the most tired and cliched old trope on here.
'Second' children often get to live with a parent who prioritises his first children & is not emotionally present a lot of the time. Bully for them - aren't they lucky.

I disagree with that mentality for the reasons others have said. There should not be a marked difference in the way he treats his children.

I think it's far more likely that the problems in the marriage and the divorce caused the children to be insecure, rather than being given additional 'Disney' treatment following the split. 🙄

@aSofaNearYou So he's not allowed to show his DC how much he loves and misses them?

Even OP doesn't say he ignores his child with her. I'm sure they are also loved. It's not a contest, he can show love in different ways, and making a fuss of the DCS is one way, and a calmer more steady love is shown to OPs and his DC, which is obviously how she prefers it.

Yes you only have my POV. As with every other thread on MN.

And I'm not suggesting my needs or wants trump anything. This isn't AIBU, I wasn't asking for your opinion, I asked if anyone feels the same. If you don't, that's fair enough.

Their dad isn't abusing them, he's trying to give them what time and affection he can in the limited time he has with them.
Stuffing kids with sweets & making all contact time about what material things can be given to dc as tokens of love is NOT displaying giving time & affection. It's teaching kids that love is only present when you are put on a pedestal, given everything you want & treated like royalty. Imo that IS abuse as it feeds right in to setting dc up for abusive adult relationships where self worth becomes equated with what people are prepared to give you/do for you. It sets up a whole victim & narcissist codependency which is really really bad for MH.

So he's not allowed to show his DC how much he loves and misses them?

Again, there is a difference. Is love shown in material things or treats?

I for one don't think this is the way to show love as a parent. It's a way to ease guilt for you, not the child.

No I've not said that, why are you projecting? But he should make the same level of fuss of all of his children. It will create divisions if he does not.

It certainly hasn’t helped them cope with what was happening to them.

I didn't say he was doing any of that. You're massively projecting.

Is anyone actually suggesting they'd prefer this over just normal life?

I get all the stuff about him preferring it, it not being their fault yadayada but that doesn't change that I personally prefer the time they aren't here. You can't force someone to prefer or like something that they don't.

Your maths is seriously flawed.

The younger DC does not get 100% of dad's attention. At most it would be 50% when the SC aren't there.

If dad does lavish his full attention on the younger child 50% of the time (which I doubt) then removes it completely the other 50% imagine how upsetting and confusing that would be for that child.

Mindsets like this are what create the issues. As I said, our family works because there is none of this red carpet treatment. My SC are here 50:50 and they are part of the family with all the same rules and boundaries as the RC. They also receive the same love, time and attention. Sometimes one of them needs a little more of the latter and they get it, sometimes they need more of the former and they get that too. What none of them ever get is being put above the rest of the family, where their wants override anyone else's needs.

No amount of telling me otherwise or that it's not their fault or it makes my husband happy is going to affect the fact that I don't.

It's absolutely fine to feel how you do. I prefer it when DSC aren't here but doesn't mean I hate it when they are. Life just moves at a different pace when they are here.