Prefer it when DSC aren't here

Chime11 · 2022-07-02T19:08:06+00:00

Anyone else feel this way? Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes. It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here. It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well. I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c Anyone else?

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Original poster

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 20:09

That last sentence got cut off...!

Was meant to say, if they came and life just continued as normal I wouldn't mind at all but yeah, the whole dynamic just shifts and everyone's focus needs to be on DSC and his whole personality just changes, like he wants to be "fun dad" 24/7 when they are here.

OP posts:

Overtired201984 · 02/07/2022 20:09

I’m not a step parent at all , but I would rather see a father like that than one who doesn’t give a shit .

GrazingSheep · 02/07/2022 20:10

How old are they?

Original poster

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 20:11

Overtired201984 · 02/07/2022 20:09

I’m not a step parent at all , but I would rather see a father like that than one who doesn’t give a shit .

Obviously I'd prefer him to be like this than not give a shit. Does that mean I can't have a moan?

OP posts:

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 02/07/2022 20:13

But life with kids IS very different from life without kids. To a certain extent, and depending how old the children are, life DOES revolve around the children.

Cloudysunday · 02/07/2022 20:20

OP prepare for a mauling. Do you not know that a SM is supposed to love their DSC as their own ?? You will be told that you shouldn’t have married a man with DC if you aren’t prepared to love them as much as your own DC.
Good luck.

Original poster

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 20:26

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 02/07/2022 20:13

But life with kids IS very different from life without kids. To a certain extent, and depending how old the children are, life DOES revolve around the children.

Of course it does, I have a child with DH, I know about life with DC. I'm not talking about that. He goes into overdrive when they come to the point where he's letting them have share bags of sweets and things like that most nights. It's not normal. Everything becomes about making it fun whether or not it's good parenting / necessary, we can't just have a normal day to day life with them.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2022 20:33

He’s not doing anyone any favours by behaving like this. And you’re perfectly reasonable to feel annoyed. How is he with your shared child? Do they get shown special treatment while the DSC are there or does he leave their care to you so he can play host to his older kids?

It’s not compulsory or inevitable for a NRP to be like this, it’s a choice. And he had no business having another child if he doesn’t treat them the same. You don’t mention that’s an issue but it often is in these wonky dynamics. When my DSC are here we go to the supermarket, eat normal meals, do house or garden jobs, they go to bed at a reasonable time. It’s normal life.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 20:51

People are just going to post the standard SM tropes on here…

But I get what your problem is - and it’s really unhealthy for your DC to be subjected to this dynamic where everything is normal when it’s just them, but the SC arrive and it’s like a royal visit (with all eyes on the SC). Dad changes entirely and expects everyone else to make a fuss and play their part in the pageantry.

That’s not ‘a dad who gives a shit’; it’s pretty much always a dad who is looking to alleviate his own poorly processed feelings of guilt about not living with his older children. That’s what drives his actions, and it’s generally not good for any of the children (or any of the adults).

Of course you prefer it when he’s his usual self.

KylieKoKo · 02/07/2022 21:10

Overtired201984 · 02/07/2022 20:09

I’m not a step parent at all , but I would rather see a father like that than one who doesn’t give a shit .

Probably best not to comment on things you don't really understand.

Op I think it can be challenging if you are someone who likes a routine as your normal routine will inevitably be disrupted by extra people in the house. Our house is definitely different when DSC are here. I enjoy seeing them but also enjoy it when they leave and things are calmer. I think it's normal to notice the difference.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 21:38

I'm with you OP. My stepson isn't here due to Covid this week and the house is so peaceful - loving it.

Blueswedeshoes · 02/07/2022 21:48

KylieKoKo · 02/07/2022 21:10

Probably best not to comment on things you don't really understand.

Op I think it can be challenging if you are someone who likes a routine as your normal routine will inevitably be disrupted by extra people in the house. Our house is definitely different when DSC are here. I enjoy seeing them but also enjoy it when they leave and things are calmer. I think it's normal to notice the difference.

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‘Disrupted by extra people in the house’ what, do you mean his own children are a disruption? 🙄

Blueswedeshoes · 02/07/2022 21:51

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 20:51

People are just going to post the standard SM tropes on here…

But I get what your problem is - and it’s really unhealthy for your DC to be subjected to this dynamic where everything is normal when it’s just them, but the SC arrive and it’s like a royal visit (with all eyes on the SC). Dad changes entirely and expects everyone else to make a fuss and play their part in the pageantry.

That’s not ‘a dad who gives a shit’; it’s pretty much always a dad who is looking to alleviate his own poorly processed feelings of guilt about not living with his older children. That’s what drives his actions, and it’s generally not good for any of the children (or any of the adults).

Of course you prefer it when he’s his usual self.

And maybe the dh prefers it when his other children are there, and that’s why he ‘changes’, because that’s when he’s happiest.

KylieKoKo · 02/07/2022 21:52

Blueswedeshoes · 02/07/2022 21:48

‘Disrupted by extra people in the house’ what, do you mean his own children are a disruption? 🙄

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Don't be ridiculous @Overtired201984

The phrase "disrupting a routine" is common parlounce for things being different to normal. Which of course they are, and should be, if you go from living with just one other adult to having two more teens there. You'll also notice that the post I quoted says that I enjoy spending time with my DSC but you chose to ignore that .....

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 21:53

Blueswedeshoes · 02/07/2022 21:51

And maybe the dh prefers it when his other children are there, and that’s why he ‘changes’, because that’s when he’s happiest.

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Well it’s unacceptable to show his youngest child that he’s only properly happy when the SC arrive. Isn’t it?

Original poster

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 21:58

And maybe the dh prefers it when his other children are there, and that’s why he ‘changes’, because that’s when he’s happiest.

Probably, not really relevant to me preferring it when they aren't though which is the subject of my post.

OP posts:

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 22:01

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 21:58

And maybe the dh prefers it when his other children are there, and that’s why he ‘changes’, because that’s when he’s happiest.

Probably, not really relevant to me preferring it when they aren't though which is the subject of my post.

Especially not if the person he turns in to is less appealing to you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blueswedeshoes · 02/07/2022 22:12

Chime11 · 02/07/2022 21:58

And maybe the dh prefers it when his other children are there, and that’s why he ‘changes’, because that’s when he’s happiest.

Probably, not really relevant to me preferring it when they aren't though which is the subject of my post.

I think I get what your post is all about.

WhereTheLightMeetsTheSea · 02/07/2022 22:16

How often does he see them?

harryclr · 02/07/2022 22:16

I think most people with a partner who has children / child from previous relationship would much prefer it when they are not around and if they say they love when they're around then they are lying - sue me

Twilightsparkly · 02/07/2022 22:21

harryclr · 02/07/2022 22:16

I think most people with a partner who has children / child from previous relationship would much prefer it when they are not around and if they say they love when they're around then they are lying - sue me

Amen 😂

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 22:31

Twilightsparkly · 02/07/2022 22:21

Amen 😂

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It is almost amazing that anyone would expect someone to prefer it when their SC were there (even if their husband didn’t seem to switch personality).

But this is MN stepparenting, where the enormous differences between ‘I prefer it when the SC aren’t here’ and ‘I hate the SC and wish I never had to see them again’ will be totally ignored by many posters.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 02/07/2022 22:48

I know what you mean OP about the change in behaviour.... i cant even really explain it, its just noticeable to me. It's not even necessarily in a bad way, sometimes I think its because his kids are a bit older than ours together.

What annoys me more is when they're here for an extended period of time, DH can suddenly use the washing machine, dryer, the iron, make packed lunches. Things he never does for our kids off his own back 🤷‍♀️

HotDogKetchup · 03/07/2022 06:16

OP I understand. I am the primary carer for both of my children and DH works long hours. He might spend at hour a day with them 2-3x a week usually. Then DSC come and the whole dynamic of the house changes. Honestly, it makes hard work for me. The dinners I cook go uneaten in favour of processed crap, manners fall by the wayside and I’m excited to respond to demands of “I want”. That really irritates me as my own small DC copy and I correct them but that feels so unfair when there’s double standards.

Suddenly the kitchen becomes some sort of cafe and any sort of crap is rattled out at a moments notice on a whim, most of which is thrown away. When I carefully meal plan usually as we spend so much on food.

Its frantic and chaotic and my DH can’t keep up with it so he becomes irritable and frankly he’s created a spoilt monster who is pretty unpleasant to be around as they think everyone is there for some form of service to them.

My own kids are sent into overdrive with all the chaos and new toys, extravagant trips out and DH’s attention - which he struggles to spilt between them and DSC demands that his is undivided so everyone is falling out because DH can’t manage that.

Its an absolute nightmare and has had a serious impact on my mental health. I dread every other weekend and feel I don’t enjoy my own kids.

lickenchugget · 03/07/2022 06:24

Could have written these myself. Hang in there; DSC are older and don’t come every other weekend now, it’s SO much calmer and our DC are calmer as a result! No inconsistent bedtimes, rules, food choices, demands, Disney dadding (or complete lack of boundaries at all). Feels like I’m finally have control of my own household.