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Original poster

Was I unreasonable?

160 replies

CrispyBeet · 21/03/2022 17:55

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/03/2022 13:01

I had a similar situation when I developed sepsis. I text their dad to ask him to pick the kids up as I was being blue-lighted in hospital. I was on death's door (literally) and the kids were in tears because of how ill I was (struggling to breath/having hallucinations, etc). He was texting me in my hospital bed asking if he could drop them straight round as soon as I was home from hospital. What a prick.

It wouldn't have fucking killed her to keep hold of them. Its not your responsibility to sort back-up plans, its their parents' job. And one of their parents was desperately ill in hospital. She's a selfish cow.

GahAndTheBear · 22/03/2022 13:06

I didn’t see the comment either. But it looks like a really vicious way of demeaning the OP for meeting her responsibilities (arranging emergency childcare for her children and being there for her critically I’ll husband) and somehow framing that as letting another woman down by not taking in her responsibilities.

How dare you not be thinking about how this affects your husband’s ex? Clearly that should be the top priority. 🙄

I guess that’s an excellent illustration of how completely unreasonable and utterly self centred mothers can make life incredibly difficult for stepmothers.

AndAsIfByMagic · 22/03/2022 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

GahAndTheBear · 22/03/2022 13:10

@TeeBee

I had a similar situation when I developed sepsis. I text their dad to ask him to pick the kids up as I was being blue-lighted in hospital. I was on death's door (literally) and the kids were in tears because of how ill I was (struggling to breath/having hallucinations, etc). He was texting me in my hospital bed asking if he could drop them straight round as soon as I was home from hospital. What a prick.

It wouldn't have fucking killed her to keep hold of them. Its not your responsibility to sort back-up plans, its their parents' job. And one of their parents was desperately ill in hospital. She's a selfish cow.

What a prick indeed!

My ex only managed to fall down an icy cliff and break bones in his neck (the idiot) and my immediate response was ‘I’ll keep DS here as long as necessary’. I don’t like my ex at all (for good reason) but I’m not going to badger a man who is immobilised in a hospital bed about when he’ll be resuming contact. Nor bothering his girlfriend about doing it on his behalf.

Basic human decency! And care for my DS’s needs and well-being.

GahAndTheBear · 22/03/2022 13:12

I’m actually imagining responding to anyone telling me about their partner being suddenly and critically ill and choosing to respond with ‘but what about me?’.

Beggars belief really.

Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere · 22/03/2022 13:36

If the children are shunted 5050, between the homes, that's quite obviously at the father's insistence and yet here is a scenario where the mum has had to accept this and still has to make even more allowances for him despite having lost her children more than she'd have preferred no doubt

Schrodingers mum. Simultaneously doesn't have her children enough and also doesn't want to have them.

Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere · 22/03/2022 13:40

*I’m actually imagining responding to anyone telling me about their partner being suddenly and critically ill and choosing to respond with ‘but what about me?’.

Beggars belief really*

My dsd's mum did. I went into labour at 29 weeks on a Friday. Me and my dd nearly died, EMCS under anaesthetic, the lot. Dsds mum was pissed off because we were due to have dsd that weekend and couldn't because my baby and i were fighting for our lives in hospital. She said that my dh was putting his new baby above dsd and didn't care about her because he was sitting by baby's cot in neonatal intensive care.

GahAndTheBear · 22/03/2022 13:44

@Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere

If the children are shunted 5050, between the homes, that's quite obviously at the father's insistence and yet here is a scenario where the mum has had to accept this and still has to make even more allowances for him despite having lost her children more than she'd have preferred no doubt

Schrodingers mum. Simultaneously doesn't have her children enough and also doesn't want to have them.

🤣😭
GahAndTheBear · 22/03/2022 13:45

@Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere

*I’m actually imagining responding to anyone telling me about their partner being suddenly and critically ill and choosing to respond with ‘but what about me?’.

Beggars belief really*

My dsd's mum did. I went into labour at 29 weeks on a Friday. Me and my dd nearly died, EMCS under anaesthetic, the lot. Dsds mum was pissed off because we were due to have dsd that weekend and couldn't because my baby and i were fighting for our lives in hospital. She said that my dh was putting his new baby above dsd and didn't care about her because he was sitting by baby's cot in neonatal intensive care.

It’s unbelievable really.

I’m sorry she was so awful to you all.

Fantasticfebruary · 22/03/2022 13:46

@CrispyBeet

I don't even know what to do about this week because he may not even be out in time yet. Don't know why I'm stressing about it. Should just leave it shouldn't I.
Yes, she's been told how ill he is, anyone with even half a brain would assume he wouldn't magically be well enough to have them this week. Obviously she hasn't been in touch to see how he is?! Jesus, even if she hates him, any decent mother would make enquiries on behalf of her children.

However, what's the usual collection of the children? If it's from her house, let her contact you. If it's from school/childcare, then I'd be the bigger person & make sure the twat is going to actually pick them up when DH usually would for their sake not hers!!

harriethoyle · 22/03/2022 16:28

@Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere

*I’m actually imagining responding to anyone telling me about their partner being suddenly and critically ill and choosing to respond with ‘but what about me?’.

Beggars belief really*

My dsd's mum did. I went into labour at 29 weeks on a Friday. Me and my dd nearly died, EMCS under anaesthetic, the lot. Dsds mum was pissed off because we were due to have dsd that weekend and couldn't because my baby and i were fighting for our lives in hospital. She said that my dh was putting his new baby above dsd and didn't care about her because he was sitting by baby's cot in neonatal intensive care.

@Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere I had a similar situation (although not half as bad as yours) where my DH came to help me care for my mum in her deathbedh for her last 48 hours. Had spoken to the kids to explain and they were so sweet and supportive. Their "d"m berated my DH the day after mum died for not prioritising his children over me. I will never forget it... you do rather wonder what the hell is wrong with these people, don't you? I'm really sorry you had that experience.
ilovemyboys3 · 22/03/2022 17:01

Why would it be the SM responsibility to take care of the children when they have their own mum. I don't care that they were "supposed" to be the responsibility of their dad. If dad can't have them, defaults back to mum. Contact if for the two parents, no one else has responsibility for them ultimately!

Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere · 22/03/2022 17:33

i had a similar situation (although not half as bad as yours) where my DH came to help me care for my mum in her deathbedh for her last 48 hours. Had spoken to the kids to explain and they were so sweet and supportive. Their "d"m berated my DH the day after mum died for not prioritising his children over me. I will never forget it... you do rather wonder what the hell is wrong with these people, don't you? I'm really sorry you had that experience

Thank you Flowers I'm sorry you did too.

Guineapigssweak · 22/03/2022 17:33

@choiceMummy Your attitude stinks! A mother nearly lost her Husband and all you want to do is be vile and put her down! Shame on you you nasty unfeeling piece of work!

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 17:33

Those saying this, do we really believe that the father would always be present 100% of their 5050 shared arrangements. I would if he were single so yes, I don't expect the assumption that OP will cover.

NorthernSpirit · 22/03/2022 18:13

Firstly I hope your DH is doing ok.

You are perfectly right not to have his kids. They aren’t your kids, the mother needs to step up.

This reminds me of 2 scenarios with my OH’s batshit crazy & bitter EW.

The first was when my OH’s father was rushed into hospital and the family were advised to come in and say their goodbyes (this was overseas). My OH got the first flight out and messaged his EW to say he couldn’t have the kids at the weekend as he was having to visit his dying father. A vitriolic rant followed along the lines on how dare he miss his contact weekend and he was an appalling father who didn’t put his kids first.

The 2nd time was when the mother was going into hospital for a week (the kids were 5 & 9 at the time). My OH offered to look after the kids that week. The response - it wasn’t his contact time & it wasn’t necessary. The kids were palmed off on her single brother who has no childcare experience. The kids were really upset.

You can not reason with stupid and there is a reason these women are ex’s.

I hope your DH makes a speedy recovery.

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 18:23

No you were not unreasonable

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 18:27

@howtomoveforwards he can't magic up emergency care though can he ? If he has no family what do you suggest rent a family ??
It was a serious emergency many couples together also don't always have emergency cover
Plus why has the ex wife also not got emergency cover
They never said he never had them when ill at all anywhere
But sepsis in hospital is very serious

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 18:38

@ChoiceMummy why should a mum get more time with kids than dads though? If they are a good dad and a good parent ? Your argument they do it for financial reasons could also swing the other way
No we can't assume OP parents would have the step children as well as they may not be able to cope with extra etc , may not know them well , the SC may not want to be there
Your situation is different
So if the op dh ex was ill on her time you wouldn't expect her to call her ex dh to help as its her time and on her
It was an emergency

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 18:42

@ChoiceMummy you also made a lot of assumptions most of them not even true
The children have two parents who are responsible for them one was in hospital so therefore it then becomes the other parent to step up
When i was a sahm and had to go into hospital ill then yes my dh had to take time of work and alter his schedule as they are also his children
Even when kids are in contact time they are still both parents responsibility

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 18:44

If my DH got ill right now I would find mums number and text her to come and pick the kids up ASAP. I wouldn't look after them until the usual end of contact time. They'd need their actual parent.

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 18:45

@purpleboy i live with my childrens father but if im ill and in hospital then my dh has to cover my kids pick up: days off that i would , how is that any different
Its not easy for many of us to have to take days off etc but we all have to at times when we have kids
Even couples who are together

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/03/2022 00:42

I understand where you are coming from but I think going forward he really needs some sort of emergency plans in place.

Us lone parents don't have the luxury of defaulting to the other parent. We have to make alternative arrangements and for many of us there is no family either. Yes in an ideal world she would step up but you can't force people to care. Best to have plans in place to fall back on.

DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 07:21

@Willyoujustbequiet

I understand where you are coming from but I think going forward he really needs some sort of emergency plans in place.

Us lone parents don't have the luxury of defaulting to the other parent. We have to make alternative arrangements and for many of us there is no family either. Yes in an ideal world she would step up but you can't force people to care. Best to have plans in place to fall back on.

Yes but mum exists and is very much in her children's life. She's basically saying she can only be bothered if her kids need her on her time. If dad did that he be told he's a parent 100% of the time.
GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 07:39

@Willyoujustbequiet

I understand where you are coming from but I think going forward he really needs some sort of emergency plans in place.

Us lone parents don't have the luxury of defaulting to the other parent. We have to make alternative arrangements and for many of us there is no family either. Yes in an ideal world she would step up but you can't force people to care. Best to have plans in place to fall back on.

Do you mean, you lone parents whose ex is completely and utterly useless?

Lots of divorced or separated parents are able to default to the other parent - and they should be. My ex would not hesitate to have our DS if I were hospitalised. That’s being a parent.

I have no fall back plans beyond that because his father is the only other person in the world who is also his parent. However inconvenient it is to his work, it’s his job to step in and be the parent who isn’t hospitalised.