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Original poster

Was I unreasonable?

160 replies

CrispyBeet · 21/03/2022 17:55

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

OP posts:
Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 21/03/2022 18:20

YWNBU.

Unreal. Has she even asked how her kids father is doing?
Glad he’s getting better. Having had my own DH in sepsis a couple of years ago I know what a worrying time it is.
I hope you are doing okay Flowers

ZenNudist · 21/03/2022 18:23

Yanbu but what can you do, some people are horrible, thats why she is an ex.

Ozanj · 21/03/2022 18:31

While yes I agree exceptions like this should be catered to, if he only has the kids for the weekend or irregularly or she had to fight to get him to take responsibility I also understand her pov. The resident parent never gets the luxury of saying no to not having the kids.

jb7445 · 21/03/2022 18:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 19:01

@Ozanj

While yes I agree exceptions like this should be catered to, if he only has the kids for the weekend or irregularly or she had to fight to get him to take responsibility I also understand her pov. The resident parent never gets the luxury of saying no to not having the kids.
I mean, pretty sure if she was hospitalised with sepsis their other parent would have them and manage to not be a total dick about it.

Yanbu op at all. Glad your husband is on the mend

RonSwansonsChair · 21/03/2022 19:06

Yanbu
My mother had sepsis, and it's no exaggeration to say we were all prepared to say our last goodbyes. It's very, very serious! She pulled through thank god, but it was touch and go.
There needs to be some level of practicality here, there was nothing you or he could have done otherwise.

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2022 19:09

She sounds heartless tbh. I would have sent one message explaining the basics and not responded to any other nonsense

Beamur · 21/03/2022 19:13

You weren't unreasonable.
It was an emergency and she is their Mum, so ultimately it's her responsibility if your DH was in hospital.
I wouldn't engage any further on this.
Glad he's on the mend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 19:18

How awful, so glad he’s on the mend. She’s highly unreasonable and a dick to keep bothering you. Wishing him a speedy recovery.

howtomoveforwards · 21/03/2022 19:34

It was an emergency and she is their Mum, so ultimately it's her responsibility if your DH was in hospital

I’m not sure. In an emergency, expecting her to suck it up is fine. But why doesn’t he have any emergency plans? His ex’s workplace is highly unlikely to be sympathetic for very long that her ex is ill. He is no longer her responsibility. His children are, however, and she will be unable to claim extra benefits if he can’t work but will likely face a shortfall in her income whilst she takes time off and/or whilst she has to pay for additional childcare. Taking time off could result in problems for her at work.

We do have a responsibility when parenting separately to think about the bigger picture. She will have to pick up the slack but what could he have done to make that easier? Not just for his ex, but also the OP?

As someone who has had to manage for many, many years as a single parent, why has he no emergency back up plans? I completely get it’s an emergency and not his fault, but it is his fault if he has never considered what might happen if he can’t have his children and the potential consequences of that, particularly long term. It’s all very well expecting the ex to just manage - fine in an emergency - but her work is hardly going to be sympathetic if she suddenly can’t work because her ex is ill.

NorthSouthcatlady · 21/03/2022 19:44

He’s had sepsis FFS. It’s hardly the sniffles or a stubbed toe. She’s ridiculous and YANBU. I can see why that relationship broke down

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 19:51

YANBU at all. In an emergency situation she should step the fuck up, they're her kids. I never understand people at all - if my ex can't have my kids for whatever reason (when he was feeling shitty with COVID for example) I jumped at the chance to have that extra time with them!

At the end of the day, people need to stop making it about themselves and think about their kids first. Sadly, few people do.

Beamur · 21/03/2022 19:52

It was an emergency. There's no wider family support.
What if, worst case scenario, Dad had been ill longer, or not survived? What then? Mum would have to step up.
My SC's are adults now, but sometimes you have to be flexible. Once I was very ill when DH was supposed to have the kids, his ex appreciated we really couldn't have them and she kept them at hers. We would do the same. I do get that not everyone is able to flexibly co-parent, but it's easier if you can.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 19:56

@howtomoveforwards

It was an emergency and she is their Mum, so ultimately it's her responsibility if your DH was in hospital

I’m not sure. In an emergency, expecting her to suck it up is fine. But why doesn’t he have any emergency plans? His ex’s workplace is highly unlikely to be sympathetic for very long that her ex is ill. He is no longer her responsibility. His children are, however, and she will be unable to claim extra benefits if he can’t work but will likely face a shortfall in her income whilst she takes time off and/or whilst she has to pay for additional childcare. Taking time off could result in problems for her at work.

We do have a responsibility when parenting separately to think about the bigger picture. She will have to pick up the slack but what could he have done to make that easier? Not just for his ex, but also the OP?

As someone who has had to manage for many, many years as a single parent, why has he no emergency back up plans? I completely get it’s an emergency and not his fault, but it is his fault if he has never considered what might happen if he can’t have his children and the potential consequences of that, particularly long term. It’s all very well expecting the ex to just manage - fine in an emergency - but her work is hardly going to be sympathetic if she suddenly can’t work because her ex is ill.

The emergency plan is their bloody mother. The only other person who has responsibility for them. Has she got an emergency plan? Or would she just expect their other parent to look after their own children like any other normal person.

What kind of plan exactly is appropriate? What's best for the kids? Oh yeah, staying with their other parent.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 19:56

@Beamur

It was an emergency. There's no wider family support. What if, worst case scenario, Dad had been ill longer, or not survived? What then? Mum would have to step up. My SC's are adults now, but sometimes you have to be flexible. Once I was very ill when DH was supposed to have the kids, his ex appreciated we really couldn't have them and she kept them at hers. We would do the same. I do get that not everyone is able to flexibly co-parent, but it's easier if you can.
My DH and his ex aren't even remotely amicable (can't even make eye contact) and yet, they'd still support each other AND THE KIDS (!) in this way.
Motherchicken · 21/03/2022 19:58

I kind of understand the ex’s POV. I was taken to hospital at 3am recently, I had to sort child care out in the middle of the night. No back up plan is not an option for a single mother. Even in an emergency we don’t get to just say sorry, I’m sick you need to sort them out.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 20:04

@Motherchicken

I kind of understand the ex’s POV. I was taken to hospital at 3am recently, I had to sort child care out in the middle of the night. No back up plan is not an option for a single mother. Even in an emergency we don’t get to just say sorry, I’m sick you need to sort them out.
Why could you not call the child's father? (Assuming he's a) alive and b) relatively local). That IS my backup plan.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 20:04

@Motherchicken

I kind of understand the ex’s POV. I was taken to hospital at 3am recently, I had to sort child care out in the middle of the night. No back up plan is not an option for a single mother. Even in an emergency we don’t get to just say sorry, I’m sick you need to sort them out.
But it's not comparable is it. Because if they had another parent, you'd call them, surely!?

The children in question have two parents. Who are these people who don't want to look after their own children when the other parent can't? What If the other parent dies, then what?

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 20:05

That's my thought too @Getyourarseofffthequattro!

GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 20:22

My ex was in hospital recently. My response to being asked to have DS during his contact time was ‘sure. He can stay here as long as necessary’.

I’m a parent all the time. If something happens to his dad, of course I’m the back up.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 20:26

@GahAndTheBear

My ex was in hospital recently. My response to being asked to have DS during his contact time was ‘sure. He can stay here as long as necessary’.

I’m a parent all the time. If something happens to his dad, of course I’m the back up.

This. So many times, this.
DuckyNoMates · 21/03/2022 20:32

The child's other parent is the best back up plan in an emergency I'd have thought. They'd be worried enough about the thought of one parent being ill. If OP wasn't there then she would have been in the same situation just not known about it.

Pinkyxx · 21/03/2022 20:33

YANBU. The only way the ex's behavior is justifiable is if your DP has form for cancelling and leaving her in the lurch. Otherwise, it's a no brainer and not even worth answering the ex.

That said, while all children have 2 parents, however it's not a given that the other parent can be relied upon as ''back up''. I certainly can't rely on my ex, I've asked him a couple of times in dire emergencies and it's been a flat no both times. He'd be the last person I'd call for help.

DuckyNoMates · 21/03/2022 20:34

@GahAndTheBear

My ex was in hospital recently. My response to being asked to have DS during his contact time was ‘sure. He can stay here as long as necessary’.

I’m a parent all the time. If something happens to his dad, of course I’m the back up.

Exactly this!
ChoiceMummy · 21/03/2022 20:41

Yanbu, but equally, the children were supposed to be your household's responsibility, so in the same way you had to find alternative care for your children, theytoo would have had to had this found for them.
If she was working etc, she's a ow had to cover what's your ohs responsibility.
I get that sepsis isn't planned, but it you didn't have the luxury of saying no to caring for your own children....
It's shit for both parents when these situations arise.

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