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Original poster

Was I unreasonable?

160 replies

CrispyBeet · 21/03/2022 17:55

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 20:50

@ChoiceMummy

Yanbu, but equally, the children were supposed to be your household's responsibility, so in the same way you had to find alternative care for your children, theytoo would have had to had this found for them. If she was working etc, she's a ow had to cover what's your ohs responsibility. I get that sepsis isn't planned, but it you didn't have the luxury of saying no to caring for your own children.... It's shit for both parents when these situations arise.
If you read it, op did find alternative care for her own children.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 20:52

Can the people who think he (well op, because he was incapacitated) should have found alternative childcare, explain whether that's in the child's best interest?

I imagine, and speaking from experience, if my parent was hospitalised, I would want to be in my safe place, ie with my other parent. Not shipped out to another family member.

It seems insanely selfish to me to turn away your own, probably distressed or at least confused child, because you have to work.

GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 21:00

@ChoiceMummy

Yanbu, but equally, the children were supposed to be your household's responsibility, so in the same way you had to find alternative care for your children, theytoo would have had to had this found for them. If she was working etc, she's a ow had to cover what's your ohs responsibility. I get that sepsis isn't planned, but it you didn't have the luxury of saying no to caring for your own children.... It's shit for both parents when these situations arise.
My child is never not my responsibility.

If he’s with his dad, that doesn’t make him his SM’s responsibility.

KylieKoKo · 21/03/2022 21:09

Dp and his ex have always, without question, stepped up for their children in circumstances like these. There is no "it's your turn so tough". They see themselves as equal parents with equal responsibility and will both step up when needed, regardless of any previously agreed schedule. I'm shocked that any parent would do anything else.

harriethoyle · 21/03/2022 21:13

YWDNBU op. Really pleased your husband is out of the woods

ChoiceMummy · 21/03/2022 21:27

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Can the people who think he (well op, because he was incapacitated) should have found alternative childcare, explain whether that's in the child's best interest?

I imagine, and speaking from experience, if my parent was hospitalised, I would want to be in my safe place, ie with my other parent. Not shipped out to another family member.

It seems insanely selfish to me to turn away your own, probably distressed or at least confused child, because you have to work.

I don't disagree.

But equally, if they were, at that time meant to be their responsibility, as the other parent had commitments/work etc, you can also understand why she was so peeved at the op not taking responsibility for managing this.

ChoiceMummy · 21/03/2022 21:31

@KylieKoKo

Dp and his ex have always, without question, stepped up for their children in circumstances like these. There is no "it's your turn so tough". They see themselves as equal parents with equal responsibility and will both step up when needed, regardless of any previously agreed schedule. I'm shocked that any parent would do anything else.
And I think the issue in this situation is that the op is an extension of this, by being a Stepparent and did not step up at all.

If the children are shunted 5050, between the homes, that's quite obviously at the father's insistence and yet here is a scenario where the mum has had to accept this and still has to make even more allowances for him despite having lost her children more than she'd have preferred no doubt.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/03/2022 21:32

@GahAndTheBear

My ex was in hospital recently. My response to being asked to have DS during his contact time was ‘sure. He can stay here as long as necessary’.

I’m a parent all the time. If something happens to his dad, of course I’m the back up.

Completely agree. My ex has our son every other weekend, if he was sick then I would for sure have my child. Because if his other parent is sick, I'm sure he would appreciate me being with him.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 21:41

No @ChoiceMummy I can't understand it, because I care about my child. Perhaps if I didn't, I'd understand. Your comments are classic hate my ex more than I love my kids bollocks.

You haven't mentioned what's best for the child at all, just what mummy wants. Poor mummy getting her children taken off her against her will, poor mummy having to look after said children when she doesn't want to, even though she hates not having them.

I can't understand it, because decent parents don't pull shit like that.

GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 21:49

But equally, if they were, at that time meant to be their responsibility, as the other parent had commitments/work etc, you can also understand why she was so peeved at the op not taking responsibility for managing this.

No. Not their responsibility. It’s his responsibility. Not the OPs.

Two people have parental responsibility for the child. One of them is in hospital extremely sick. That leaves the other parent.

She has no right to be peeved at the OP.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 21:50

I agree @Getyourarseofffthequattro.

I will move heaven on earth to be there for my children - if they need looking after and their dad can't for whatever reason of course I would want them - I'd be mortified if I wasn't the first person he asked.

Yes it might impact my life, yes it might impact my work but hey - that's what being a parent is all about it. You put the kids first, above everything else. Above your hate or contempt for your ex because they are what matters.

And no, kids are not 'shunted' between homes 50/50 purely because of the father's wishes. My DC WANT to spend equal time with their parents and why shouldn't they?

Easy to spot the bitter exes on this thread who thinks the world owes them a favour - grow up and put your kids before your own petty need to get one over your ex.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 21:53

@CornishGem1975

I agree *@Getyourarseofffthequattro*.

I will move heaven on earth to be there for my children - if they need looking after and their dad can't for whatever reason of course I would want them - I'd be mortified if I wasn't the first person he asked.

Yes it might impact my life, yes it might impact my work but hey - that's what being a parent is all about it. You put the kids first, above everything else. Above your hate or contempt for your ex because they are what matters.

And no, kids are not 'shunted' between homes 50/50 purely because of the father's wishes. My DC WANT to spend equal time with their parents and why shouldn't they?

Easy to spot the bitter exes on this thread who thinks the world owes them a favour - grow up and put your kids before your own petty need to get one over your ex.

I wholeheartedly agree. Dps ex has emotionally traumatised her child to get one over on me and dp, and frankly I would never do that to my child no matter how much of a bastard my ex was.
GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 21:54

I do think it’s amazing how many people see contact arrangements as ‘time off from parenting’. And then get annoyed that they might actually be a parent 100% of the time. Even when it’s bloody inconvenient.

GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 21:56

And yet, at the same time, seem to think that the child(ren)’s father wanting time with them is somehow unacceptable. Well if it’s 50% of the time and impacts upon maintenance.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2022 21:59

For goodness sake if your partner is in hospital his children are NOT your responsibility.

Finallylostit · 21/03/2022 22:32

mother chicken - I totally get where you are out. My EX works overseas a lot. I have been v ill needing hospital admission.

AS a single mum I have back up Plan A , B .C , D, E and then I am at Plan oh fuck. None of those plans involve EX or close family - they live 100s of miles away or overseas, because he is invariably not around at those times.

Agree Mum could have been more helpful but he should have had back up plans aswell

Finallylostit · 21/03/2022 22:35

Nothing about getting one over on my EX -sensible parenting plans. I love my friends - have got to Plan D before and was reallystarting to panic whilst trying to deal with pain, vomiting etc

KylieKoKo · 21/03/2022 22:39

If the children are shunted 5050, between the homes, that's quite obviously at the father's insistence and yet here is a scenario where the mum has had to accept this and still has to make even more allowances for him despite having lost her children more than she'd have preferred no doubt.

@ChoiceMummy
Why is this "quite obviously" at the father's insistence? Surely a contact arrangement is decided between both parents.
And surely if 50/50 means that the mother has lost time with the children then the father has also lost equal time. The clue is in 50/50.

Your post makes no sense.

The kids dad had sepsis, he wasn't off playing golf somewhere. The children must have been terrified, I would have thought most mothers would want to with their children to comfort them.

KylieKoKo · 21/03/2022 22:41

@GahAndTheBear

I do think it’s amazing how many people see contact arrangements as ‘time off from parenting’. And then get annoyed that they might actually be a parent 100% of the time. Even when it’s bloody inconvenient.
Yes I think this is it. Dp's children come here to see their dad not give their mum a break. If something like this happened to their mum there would be no question that they would come here immediately. DP certainly wouldn't expect her partner to look after them because it's not his turn.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/03/2022 22:45

@Finallylostit

Nothing about getting one over on my EX -sensible parenting plans. I love my friends - have got to Plan D before and was reallystarting to panic whilst trying to deal with pain, vomiting etc
But if your child's father was involved, as this mother is, he'd be plan A. You're comparing apples with oranges.
Pinkyxx · 21/03/2022 23:27

@ChoiceMummy I get it's hard as a single Mum, sincerely I do - I am one & I work full time. Even so, it is really not for OP to step in to care for her DP's kids and / or arrange alternative childcare for the ex when their Father (her DP) is so unwell he's in hospital. I also don't think it would be the right solution for the child/children.

If my DD's Father were in hospital, I'd want DD here with me so I could comfort and reassure her. I'd never in a million years contact his wife to bang on about her having DD for me or expect her to arrange childcare for me. Sepsis isn't a 'sniffle', it's really quite dangerous and will have been very frightening for OP. It's bizarre the ex behaved like this imo and honestly smacks of a lack of empathy that I find quite troubling & difficult to understand...

LadyCluck · 22/03/2022 06:02

YWDNBU OP.

She needs to give her head a wobble. I’m pleased your husband is out of the woods and hope he continues to make a steady recovery.

I feel for those children that they have a mother with that sort of attitude. Like others have said, if my children’s father was seriously ill in hospital, my priority would continue to be looking after my children so I could comfort them and give them as much reassurance as possible.

Don’t give her any more head space.

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 06:38

But equally, if they were, at that time meant to be their responsibility, as the other parent had commitments/work etc, you can also understand why she was so peeved at the op not taking responsibility for managing this. no I can't, I genuinely can't. My children are my responsibility 100% of the time, I don't suddenly stop being their mum when they are at nursery etc. It doesn't switch on and off. And OP is not responsible in anyway for the DSC. She didn't even have to tell mum dad was ill tbh, just left it to them to sort out. But no, she tracker her details down to let her know. And at a time when OP's DH was ill, mum decided to have a go at her for not sorting out her DSC's care arrangements? That's so weird

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 06:40

Yanbu, but equally, the children were supposed to be your household's responsibility, no, they were meant to be in their dads care. The household does not have responsibility.

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 06:41

I also agree with the PP who are saying its not in the kids best interest, mum might not give a shit about dad but the kids do.