Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Was I unreasonable?

160 replies

CrispyBeet · 21/03/2022 17:55

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

OP posts:
ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 23/03/2022 07:56

OP, YANBU. It’s just that the ex has no sympathy whatsoever for your DH anymore. Depending on what’s gone on between them over the years the lack of sympathy may or not be an unreasonable in itself. It can be a survival mechanism. This is hugely inconvenient for her, because her childcare has fallen through. She does not care at all about why your H has let her down, or that’s it’s unavoidable or that your own children have had there normal arrangements disrupted too. So all that’s left is that your H is letting her down and causing her logistical and possibly financial difficulties. If she sends any more nasty messages just tell her you know it’s inconvenient that H is in hospital but that she needs to find someone else to vent to because you are too busy to be her sounding board.
Sorry OP, this must be a very difficult time. I hope your husband recovers soon and that in the meantime your own stress levels stay manageable.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 08:34

Thing is, it’s not about sympathy for him. She was having a go at a woman whose husband was critically ill.

Who does that?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/03/2022 09:44

@Willyoujustbequiet

I understand where you are coming from but I think going forward he really needs some sort of emergency plans in place.

Us lone parents don't have the luxury of defaulting to the other parent. We have to make alternative arrangements and for many of us there is no family either. Yes in an ideal world she would step up but you can't force people to care. Best to have plans in place to fall back on.

But that isn't the situation here. They have a mother. Why must dad pretend they don't, because some people only have one parent? It's ridiculous.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/03/2022 09:46

It's not about sympathy for him. It's about her own children. Whatever has happened in the past is wholly irrelevant - she either gives a shit about her own children or she doesn't. Which is it?

It's not about what she feels for him. It's about the responsibility towards her children. That's it.

DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 09:47

This is hugely inconvenient for her, because her childcare has fallen through. She does not care at all about why your H has let her down I get that, I really do, but none of that is a reason to have a go at OP about it or expect anything from her. Children can be inconvenient.

ChoiceMummy · 23/03/2022 09:50

@GahAndTheBear

Thing is, it’s not about sympathy for him. She was having a go at a woman whose husband was critically ill.

Who does that?

She wasn't having a go. She was quite simply asking now the initial situation is over, eg the day he's gone to hospital, are you now going to sort soemthing out for the time that the children should be with you. In much the same way an employer would say OK have today off but make arrangements for the day after.
aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 09:57

She wasn't having a go. She was quite simply asking now the initial situation is over, eg the day he's gone to hospital, are you now going to sort soemthing out for the time that the children should be with you.
In much the same way an employer would say OK have today off but make arrangements for the day after.

She isn't OPs employer. It's the equivalent of an employer badgering someone that doesn't work for them when they are going to come in, while they are clearly busy during an upsetting family emergency.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/03/2022 10:25

@ChoiceMummy do you think it's okay for her to act like ops employer? I don't. Plus, I would expect an employer to behave better than that and not act like a selfish twat.

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/03/2022 10:35

In much the same way an employer would say OK have today off but make arrangements for the day after.

Well, there's the rub, isn't it. That's how she acts towards the OP. As if she was the employer, the one in charge, and OP just has to buckle down and do as she's told. Delusional.

babywalker56 · 23/03/2022 10:36

Anytime I see @ChoiceMummy comment on people's posts she's always miserable as fu*k!! How you can be such a keyboard warrior, I'll never know

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:40

OP doesn't owe Mum anything in this circumstances and has gone above and beyond what was needed by even telling her of the situation. She could have just left them both too it and mum could have first found out when dad didn't pick them up. But no, OP didn't do this because she thought of the kids and the affect on them. Mum needs to stop playing stupid games and realise her kids need her. I mean if he cant work for a bit is she going to expect OP to pay maintenance too? She's a right sort.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:41

In much the same way an employer would say OK have today off but make arrangements for the day after. this is almost hilarious. She isn't an employer. They are nothing to each other.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 10:44

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@ChoiceMummy do you think it's okay for her to act like ops employer? I don't. Plus, I would expect an employer to behave better than that and not act like a selfish twat.[/quote]
I think that comparison is extremely telling. Yes she clearly does think that the SC’s mother is in charge. Not just of her ex, but of his wife too.

She’s totally reasonable to demand to know how the op is going to solve a problem that isn’t her responsibility to solve. Lest it inconvenience the mother further.

These is no ‘household’ responsibility here. I parental responsibility is something only parents have. Marrying a parent doesn’t confer it on to you.

The actual comparison is an employer demanding to know how you are going to cover for your colleague’s absence. They’re in your team, and the employer wants the work done, so clearly it must be your problem to sort it. Never mind that the absent colleague is in a much more senior role with specific responsibilities and you are in a totally different role with no responsibility for the thing the employer is annoyed isn’t being done.

ChameFangeNail · 23/03/2022 10:49

And I think the issue in this situation is that the op is an extension of this, by being a Stepparent and did not step up at all

This is boggling.

The OP’s husband is rushed to hospital with potentially life-threatening sepsis and you think she should have been sorting out childcare for his ex?

KylieKoKo · 23/03/2022 13:57

In much the same way an employer would say OK have today off but make arrangements for the day after.

How entitled would you have to be to think that your kids step mum is in anyway akin to your employee!

QuirkyTurtle · 23/03/2022 14:27

First of all, OP I am sorry that you are having to go through this, and I'm glad to hear your husband is on the mend.

I swear a few weeks back there was a thread about a stepparent whose husband had to go away unexpectedly, and whether she was in the wrong for keeping the kids for the night as planned as opposed to letting their mother have them because dad wasn't physically around.

Damned if you, damned if you don't. As a stepparent you can never win. Who cares about what BM or random people on Mumsnet think? As long as you and your husband are on the same page, who gives an actual fuck about anyone else's opinion. You'll never reach the bar anyway.

funinthesun19 · 23/03/2022 16:29

And I think the issue in this situation is that the op is an extension of this, by being a Stepparent and did not step up at all

The op is not an extension of the father at all. If he’s ill in hospital then that’s it.
If anyone has to be an extension of him when it comes to his children then it’s the mum because she’s the person he co parents with.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 16:34

If anyone has to be an extension of him when it comes to his children then it’s the mum because she’s the person he co parents with.

This x 100

Jonny1265 · 23/03/2022 17:20

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

No *@ChoiceMummy* I can't understand it, because I care about my child. Perhaps if I didn't, I'd understand. Your comments are classic hate my ex more than I love my kids bollocks.

You haven't mentioned what's best for the child at all, just what mummy wants. Poor mummy getting her children taken off her against her will, poor mummy having to look after said children when she doesn't want to, even though she hates not having them.

I can't understand it, because decent parents don't pull shit like that.

Totally agree.
Jonny1265 · 23/03/2022 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 23/03/2022 17:38

Hi all

Can we have a bit of peace and love on this thread now?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/03/2022 19:07

You could remove the person causing the trouble?

harriethoyle · 23/03/2022 19:48

Do you know @LilyMumsnet so many of us come on here for step parenting because it's a really tough gig. And yet you let posters like @ChoiceMummy repeatedly berate an OP whose husband has been critically ill with sepsis and compare her to his ex wives employee and all you do is ask for peace and love across the board?! This should be a safe space for advice and help and you are not ensuring that is the case. Shame on you.

QuirkyTurtle · 24/03/2022 09:11

@harriethoyle

Do you know *@LilyMumsnet* so many of us come on here for step parenting because it's a really tough gig. And yet you let posters like *@ChoiceMummy* repeatedly berate an OP whose husband has been critically ill with sepsis and compare her to his ex wives employee and all you do is ask for peace and love across the board?! This should be a safe space for advice and help and you are not ensuring that is the case. Shame on you.
This. *@LilyMumsnet* why do you allow such a toxic environment for stepparents? There's so much you could do to help create a positive space for stepparents but you actively decide against it. I'm starting to think the Mumsnet reputation for drama is carefully and deliberately manufactured by its moderators.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 24/03/2022 09:24

@QuirkyTurtle it must be. The only time they ask for peace and love is when a step parent retaliates to the regular arseholes who come here to stick the boot in and make themselves feel better. Vile comments are allowed to stand as "opinions" because these people are clever and don't directly say things that break the rules, however so much other stuff gets deleted as "not in the spirit". I assume that kicking other women when they are down must be in the spirit if they are in a relationship with someone who has an ex and kids.

MN have never been able to explain this to me despite me asking about 20 times over the years. There is an obvious double standard that they refuse to talk about. @LilyMumsnet