Was I unreasonable?

[CrispyBeet]

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

This really isn't a blended family then is it?

What is up with people who think you get Instant Families?

Blending. Takes. Time. To. Work. Out.

YEARS. Decades even.

@CrispyBeet

So you think my parents should have taken all of the children rather than my DSCs own mother?

Clearly, she does, but nobody else thinks that. I'd never expect my parents to take on my DSC, they have zero relationship with them and why should they? Surely the DSC would be far happier with their own mum than total strangers.

I hope your DH is ok OP. Have been through this with my DH and fully expected to be widowed it was so serious. Our DC were terribly traumatised.
Sorry about your DSC's mother, she sounds a very unreasonable woman. Has she even enquired him? For all she knew, their own 2 children could have been fatherless too

So you think my parents should have taken all of the children rather than my DSCs own mother?

Without knowing your parents ages, health status, distance from your home, distance from their home to DSCs home, ability to drive etc, etc - it is impossible to say whether it is even a possible solution, let alone either practical or desirable.....

There really is no point indulging commenters as delusional as @ChoiceMummy

She hasn't the faintest idea what being a step parent actually involves, literally just making up a fairytale.

@aSofaNearYou

There really is no point indulging commenters as delusional as *@ChoiceMummy*

She hasn't the faintest idea what being a step parent actually involves, literally just making up a fairytale.

Agree. I've just looked back at her previous posts. All she does is go onto threads and post-inflammatory comments, mostly shot down or deleted. Must be very very bored.

Bloody hell. It’s amazing how much effort some posters will go to to justify telling a SM she should treat her SC as her own, while simultaneously arguing that the children’s mother should not be expected to do any such thing. 🤯

I guess a poster called ChoiceMummy would always be all about it being mummy’s choice though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think that it is your responsibility at all.

But I do think that dad should have something in place in case he can't for whatever reason have the children.

Why should the mother be expected to cancel work and loose money because the father is not prepared with a back up plan?

If the back up plan is the mother and has been arranged in advance then it's tough on the mother and she has to suck it up. But if that has never been agreed with them, why should I mum automatically be expected to pick up the slack?
I absolutely get peoples point about wanting to be there to comfort your children, but maybe it wasn't an option for her?
Or she could just be completely selfish and hate ops DH and be doing this as a punishment, none of us know.

I will say that if this situation occurred for me I would absolutely take my children because I work for myself so I can be flexible, but there are situations where it just isn't possible to leave work there and then, or take a day/multiple days off.

We don't know the financial situation, maybe she just can't afford to take time off work. Some people could, some people can't.

If we are expecting fathers to take responsibility for their children then surely this falls under that role.

@GahAndTheBear

Bloody hell. It’s amazing how much effort some posters will go to to justify telling a SM she should treat her SC as her own, while simultaneously arguing that the children’s mother should not be expected to do any such thing. 🤯

That goes straight into my Mumsnet Wisdom folder

It’s an emergency. The other parent was critically ill.

As a mother, picking up that stuff is my job however inconvenient it is for work. That’s parenthood.

@GahAndTheBear

It’s an emergency. The other parent was critically ill.

As a mother, picking up that stuff is my job however inconvenient it is for work. That’s parenthood.

This is my opinion tbh. Like it would have been "inconvenient" for work too if he'd not made it, should he have a plan in place in case he dies unexpectedly? Or would it then have been okay to expect their mother to pick up the slack? Because that could have easily been the situation!

I don't think certain PP realises what a dire situation it was or what a panic / rush everything was.

It was a case of quickly ring my parents to get our DC and whack a quick FB message to their Mum as I rushed to the hospital not knowing if I'd be a widow or not by the time I got there. I didn't have the time nor headspace to figure out logistics for children who aren't even mine.

I know some people on these boards like to pretend it's entirely the same with DC and DSC but it's not. It's down to me as my DCs Mum to arrange their care if their Dad is unwell in an emergency because I have parental responsibility for my DC and who else will? It's not the same with DSC, they were already with their Mum and she is alive and well and capable of sorting them in an emergency no matter how inconvenient.

And I barely even arranged anything for our DC. Just made a half incoherent phone call to my Mum and basically said please come get the DC and left them to it for two days!

Yanbu… parenting is full time role. Mum and dad spend time apart from their dc due to circumstances but it doesn’t take away from being a parent. If dsc were in hospital would parents only visit on contact time??? You sorted your own dc, up to ex to sort dsc. Ex doesn’t have to like it. Just tell her kids won’t be able to come until dad is well enough… because even when he’s home he’ll still need looking after and you’ll be doing that. Maybe a visit because dsc will want to see him and him them but it would be an afternoon not overnight for me.

Yanbu

I understand why mum will be annoyed at having to scramble for last minute childcare but your h is seriously ill- he's not trying to get over a hangover or in a cell for fighting the night before.

Ignore the poster who said your parents should have taken all the kids. I think that you made the right decision even though you must have been in unbelievable panic and you remembered to give mum as much notice as possible.

Blending is clearly not a jigsaw puzzle where things fit or don't. Anybody with half a brain would know that there's more nuance

@ChoiceMummy "Playing Florence"? Her husband could have died. Your comment is absolutely disgusting.

@ChoiceMummy what an utterly vile comment to make! Absolutely disgraceful.

I'm sorry you're so bitter and nasty Choice. It must not be a nice way to live.

Without knowing your parents ages, health status, distance from your home, distance from their home to DSCs home, ability to drive etc, etc - it is impossible to say whether it is even a possible solution, let alone either practical or desirable.....

They could be fit as a fiddle, live on the next street and own two cars. The op’s parents still have no obligation, just like the op herself, to have the DSCs over their own mother.

I have some nasty things on here but that one really takes the biscuit.

I really want to ask who hurt you, for you to think saying something like that is acceptable.

All this judgement for the op @ChoiceMummy here's a question for you, where's the judgement to mum. The children's father nearly died. That would be traumatising for any child and surely they would want and deserve comfort from their mum. However I suspect it wouldn't be nearly as traumatising 👂as hearing their mother didn't want to have them as it was inconvenient for her.

This isn't a dad wanting to go get drunk, this was a life critical situation which actually can come on very quickly. The op had very little time and she certainly had less time than mum to sort something out and unlimitedly less critical things to think about.

In terms of priority I'm sorry inconveniencing mum is last on list. And I can assure you that if he had died. The inconvenience wouldn't have been temporary.

I didn't see the comment, but by the sounds of it I'm glad.

Anyhow, it's a ridiculous argument when you're saying someone else is more responsible for a child than their own mother. I feel very sorry for the children who have mothers like that. Very sorry indeed.

I absolutely detest DSS mum, she is a vile individual. Would I expect her to sort alternative childcare whilst potentially dying of sepsis? Of course bloody not because I'm not a prize twat.