Was I unreasonable?

[CrispyBeet]

Had a crazy weekend and this just topped it off.

Basically due to have DSC over the weekend (3 nights every week, one week during the week and the next over the weekend).

My husband has been feeling unwell for a while and then on Thursday was rushed to hospital (sepsis, he's getting much better thankfully) the day that DSC were due to come.

I messaged their Mum on FB as I don't have her number and told her the kids wouldn't be able to come unfortunately and she did nothing but peck my head all weekend about me having them or me sorting something out (she does work over the weekend sometimes).

H doesn't have family round here so I had no one else to ask. My parents had our DC overnight two nights so I could go and see him so not even like our DC were there either.

AIBU to think that in extreme circumstances you need to sort your children out?!

He wasn't fobbing it off, he literally couldn't have in that moment sorted anything else. I was panicking and stressed the first couple of days too and didn't even have my own DC with me because it was too much.

Things have calmed down today and yesterday and the more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

If it was her there would be no question that H would do what was needed to have the children.

Nothing is more inconvenient that death, and I imagine had anything happen to OPs DH, then mum would have had to make some pretty swift and permanent adjustments to her work schedule or would that also be OPs to sort out ? 😵‍💫

I lost my dad and when I did I wanted to be with my mother. Thank god she didn't try to Parcle me off to someone that wasn't her. I would have been deranged.

Baffling. Lots about having kids is inconvenient that was the choice the parents made when they made them. My newborn doesn't sleep so I don't sleep currently. As the child's mother I don't get to suddenly go sorry hun at 2am not my problem (my partner has just had emergency surgery so isn't home to help currently). Just because you split your childrens time with your ex doesn't mean your suddenly without parental responsibility.

As a step parent you have to know that in times of need the children, as much as they might love and like you, in that fear moment they will want their mum/dad. As that's biology.

Co parenting is what's best for the kids and I think it situations like this, people can be really petty.

Op I'm so glad your DH is doing ok. The ex sounds like a 🔔 end, it's not your responsibility to find child care because it's reasonable when their father is very very sick, for the children to want and need their mum. Shame she didn't think the same.

And I think the issue in this situation is that the op is an extension of this, by being a Stepparent and did not step up at all.

But she was the one in the situation someone needed to step up FOR? Her husband was in hospital with a life-threatening illness? It was not her time to "step up." Also not sure being 'an extension' of a parent os really a thing tbh.

Can only presume (hope?) the ex just hasn't got it through her head how serious sepsis is. YANBU OP.

It’s ironic (in that special step parenting board way) that the OP is being criticised for not ‘steeping up’ when the child’s mother has had a tantrum about having to look after her own progeny.

The OP’s husband was critically ill. And still she’s being told off for not meeting her obligations.

What sort of mother wouldn't want her children with her to comfort and take care of them if their father was seriously ill in hospital?

I write a lot of Parenting Plans. Generally if one parent is unable to look after their children it is the responsibility of the other parent to do so (the hint is in the phrase parental responsibility!). People may make other arrangements if there are other adults available but usually the argument is more along the lines of "I don't want a step parent/partner" looking after my kids". You were not being unreasonable to expect the children's mother to look after her children.

Thanks for the messages and support. He's doing okay now thank you. Was pretty scary though.

Honestly she's always been like this. Only her time / life / needs matter.

She even asked where our DC were then and when I said at my parents asked if they'd be able to help with DSC because "DSC really like your Mum". Like no, fuck off! Crazy woman. (Didn't say that obviously ha).

Glad he's doing OK. When he's fully recovered I think it might be worth him speaking to her. Do they have a parenting agreement? My DH has one that, as PP said, says if parent is unavailable for "their time" then the other parent should be asked first if they are available.

I don't even know what to do about this week because he may not even be out in time yet. Don't know why I'm stressing about it. Should just leave it shouldn't I.

@CrispyBeet

Thanks for the messages and support. He's doing okay now thank you. Was pretty scary though.

Honestly she's always been like this. Only her time / life / needs matter.

She even asked where our DC were then and when I said at my parents asked if they'd be able to help with DSC because "DSC really like your Mum". Like no, fuck off! Crazy woman. (Didn't say that obviously ha).

I think I'm situations like this it's the presumption that your parents would have DSC.

Mine probably would have DSC if say mum was critically ill too and no other option. But it wouldn't be presumed and if it was I would stamp that out with the fires of hell.

Also if anything arises again there's the president of oh well give to stepparents parents to deal with, they did it before for when I needed to work.

It's a fairly narcissistic view to say a partner or indeed a child is a extension of another. People are their own beings in their own right and with their own rights and feelings too. Somehow people struggle with this concept only when dealing with step parents. Isn't that ironic ? 🙄

Op sounds like you have her number, I would create some iron clad boundaries as a response to this situation. If someone isn't willing to help in a time of actual need (life or death - I'm not referring work that is not life or death) and shows little empathy for their own children - that's really important and useful information when dealing with them in the future.

Good luck !!

Oh OP, how terrifying for you. Sepsis is so serious and is indeed life-threatening. Of course you weren’t in a position to “step up” and provide childcare for your stepchildren as you were at your husband’s bedside!

The fact that your husband’s ex thought it’d be appropriate to try and palm your stepkids off on YOUR parents too just shows how deranged she is. What would happen if your husband had sadly died? Would his ex still be expecting you to maintain the 50/50 contact arrangement to give her a “break” from being a parent? What a fruitloop.

Wishing you husband all the best for a speedy recovery.

To the posters saying it was the dad's responsibility to find cover, surely you see a difference to having a life threatening illness and simply to wanting to look after your child?

My ex used to pick up the kids from school twice a week as I was at work. He used to message me the day of saying he was busy at work so couldn't get them. I had to make a stand saying if you can't collect you need to make alternative arrangement as my work were getting very tired of me leaving early.

This is completely different to this situation.

What would happen if your husband had sadly died? Would his ex still be expecting you to maintain the 50/50 contact arrangement to give her a “break” from being a parent? What a fruitloop.

I think she probably would tbh.

The OP’s husband was critically ill. And still she’s being told off for not meeting her obligations.

Tut, tut. You should know the rules by now. No sacrifice is ever too great if your title is stepmother.

@DuckyNoMates

Yanbu, but equally, the children were supposed to be your household's responsibility, no, they were meant to be in their dads care. The household does not have responsibility.

Those saying this, do we really believe that the father would always be present 100% of their 5050 shared arrangements. Of course he is not. The op, is the stepmother. She chose this role by dating a man with children. It may not be palatable on MN,but yes even without PR she's responsible, she is providing care loco parents and this situation should have been no different if the mother couldn't provide this short notice care. The op had to find childcare for her biological children, so why is it so hard to expect the same for her stepchildren?

Fwiw, I parent 100% alone and sort out all situations alone, including childcare when I have been blue lighted. And yes, I get no time off. That doesn't mean those with arrangements shouldn't benefit from the time away from their children.
5050 doesn't just happen. The fathers often push for this for financial reasons. Not many mothers ever say, yes being shunted between homes is best for my child! Some may do, but not many in all of my work with lone parents. So yes, the op and her oh have created this scenario and they should have been the ones finding a plan B.

The op had to find childcare for her biological children, so why is it so hard to expect the same for her stepchildren?

It's much easier for me to find childcare for my children, I have my parents and family same as my DSC Mum has. Why would I have plans in place for childcare for my husband's children? He doesn't have any family here and I can't expect my family to provide it for all of them. She has family and she is their other parent, not me.

Or should I have just stayed at home with my DSC rather than being with my husband?

We don't have 50:50 I don't know why you keep going on about that. And no it wasn't just my husband that pushed for it. Trust me, she is very happy to dump her kids whenever she gets the chance and we often end up having them more than her at her requests.

And PP who said "RPs don't get to just say they aren't having their kids"... If the DSC were with us already and she or her partner messaged to say she was in hospital with sepsis so they couldn't go back to hers then yes we'd keep them with us. What kind of parent wouldn't? If the roles were reversed I'd think it entirely reasonable (and so would people here I imagine).

And no it really wasn't as simple as my husband just making some phone calls on the way to the hospital. He was completely out of it, don't even think he could have told you his name at the time.

So yeah my mind wasn't on sorting out childcare for children who aren't even mine either. I informed their other parent.

@ChoiceMummy she may be the stepmother but the person who is responsible for the kids is THEIR MOTHER in the absence of the other parent.
The father was gravely ill in hospital. The OP was probably beside herself with worry and had to arrange care for her own children.
They didn’t “create the scenario” for God’s sake. No one in their right mind plans on being hospitalised with sepsis.
It’s an awful, callous and lazy attitude from the mother. No wonder she’s the ex.

The op, is the stepmother. She chose this role by dating a man with children. It may not be palatable on MN,but yes even without PR she's responsible, she is providing care loco parents and this situation should have been no different if the mother couldn't provide this short notice care.

No flesh in the game here, my DH was widowed.

IF the children were already with the OP when her DH was taken ill, then maybe you'd have a point. But they would still be getting better emotional support with their DM than from most SGP/friends of the OP/paid childcare. When Dad is critically ill in hospital is hardly the ideal time to be palmed off on virtual strangers. Most mothers would be unhappy with that arrangement anyway.

@CrispyBeet

The op had to find childcare for her biological children, so why is it so hard to expect the same for her stepchildren?

It's much easier for me to find childcare for my children, I have my parents and family same as my DSC Mum has. Why would I have plans in place for childcare for my husband's children? He doesn't have any family here and I can't expect my family to provide it for all of them. She has family and she is their other parent, not me.

Or should I have just stayed at home with my DSC rather than being with my husband?

We don't have 50:50 I don't know why you keep going on about that. And no it wasn't just my husband that pushed for it. Trust me, she is very happy to dump her kids whenever she gets the chance and we often end up having them more than her at her requests.

This really isn't a blended family then is it?

It's a fair weather family as and when it suits you.

How sad for the stepchildren that they're not viewed as significant as your biological children.

And yes, if there was no childcare you would have had to stay at home and care for the collective children.

And yes, if there was no childcare you would have had to stay at home and care for the collective children.

How? Does the DSCs mum have a key to the stepmother's home?

And yes, if there was no childcare you would have had to stay at home and care for the collective children.

Except they have a perfectly well mother who can care for them.

Imagine MN backing a father who refused to alter his contact schedule when his kids mother was severely ill in hospital. It wouldn't happen. He'd be called all the names under the sun.

So you think my parents should have taken all of the children rather than my DSCs own mother?

Oh @ChoiceMummy it must be a lovely place to be in your head, where everything is so black and white.

5050 doesn't just happen. The fathers often push for this for financial reasons That, with all due respect is a total crock of shit.

Actually, with no due respect, most of what you are spouting is utter horsecrap.

How sad for the stepchildren that they're not viewed as significant as your biological children. Of course they are not as significant. I'd take a bullet for my own kids, would I do that for my SC? No of course not.

How sad for the stepchildren that they're not viewed as significant as your biological children.

How sad for the SC that their own mother still wanted to palm them off to someone else when their father was critically ill in hospital. Heaven forbid she should actually look after HER OWN CHILDREN and support them emotionally at such a time.