DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

I don’t think the issue here is the fact the DD isn’t potty trained, the issue is the SS doesn’t have any awareness of boundaries or privacy which is something he should have learnt by now. The father needs to step up here and see the importance of teaching his DS healthy boundaries.

I’d find this very concerning from multiple aspects. Obviously this is not okay. Your daughter needs to learn the concept of privacy and they pick things up very young, you don’t want her to be learning that it’s okay to have people look at your body just because they’re family. DSS should have understanding of this from year 6 and it’s very concerning he doesn’t. We don’t know if he is just doing this because he doesn’t know it’s appropriate or because there’s anything else there. Regardless, at that age he should know better.

“She’s sexy” also puts me at huge unease. I would actually be concerned he’s repeating behaviour that’s happening to him with watching and comments like this. If he genuinely thinks it’s okay to look at people getting changed and has no boundaries regarding genitals, knows what sexy means (I’m sorry but most people have an understanding of that word by that age) then I would really want to know if he’s repeating learnt behaviour.

Go to the bedroom and close the door.

To add context to my last post in which I replied to the poster lambasting me for DD not being toilet trained, she has some developmental delays but even so it's not uncommon for children to be in nappies at 3.

Slow clap for those who had their kids on the potty for 6 months.

Way to make somebody feel like a crap parent.

RE porn I've never seen any evidence that he has looked at porn but then dad doesn't nessecarily check his devices as often as he should. He spends alot of time on things like roblox and fortnight

@JulesJoules

Please read my post before laying into me. I am not blaming the child FFS.

Of course there should be boundaries, but why is a 3 year old still in nappies? It's insane (unless there are other issues not mentioned).

@JulesJoules I’m sorry but describing it as “insane” just makes you sound more judgmental. I’m sure there’s reasons she isn’t potty trained yet but that simply just isn’t the point here is it?

The sexy comment wouldn’t bother me. A child doesn’t really understand fully what sexy means they just associate it with certain things. The position she was in may have been described as ‘sexy’ in another context and he’s picked that up.
The fact that he is so persistently interested in looking at your DD naked is very concerning. You can’t even give her a bath for fear of him behaving inappropriately.
I hope you watch them like a hawk when they are playing.

Not understanding the obsession with potty training here, I trained mine before they turned 2 I don’t understand how that would have dealt with the problem of an 11yr old who can’t stop staring at the poor girls genitals, OP won’t even bathe her DD when he’s there.

Most boys (and girls) that age would be a bit “eww nappy” theres clearly something not normal here. She’s been there for 3 years, how many nappy changes do you have to view before it gets boring?

OP you really are not underreacting. This is concerning.
Child on child abuse is very common but not talked about much because it is such a difficult subject.
I think you have to put in place protections just in case he might abuse her. That includes never leaving her alone with him and preventing or monitoring access to her room at night e.g. camera hidden in soft toy - widely available as used when people have nannies.
I also think you need to talk to him about boundaries and make it clear what is appropriate behaviour.
There are lots of charities you can ring for advice including NSPCC. But I do think you need to take this seriously.

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor of course a child of that age understands what sexy means. Most children that age have viewed porn.

The dd deserves privacy but the adults should be looking into why he does this. Does someone watch him when he goes to the loo or comes out of the shower ? He's not watching people on the loo at home or school is he?

Yes that's true enough, maybe a conversation with him might be the way to go

The potty training would n't necessarily help. 3 year olds don't always close the door behind them and sometimes you only know they are in the loo because they shout for a bottom wipe.

Does his Roblox have parental controls so strangers can't message him? Is someone listening when he's playing Fortnite? They are both well known games that are popular with kids so very appealing to pedophiles

The word sexy is used in programmes like Britain's Got Talent which is supposed to be family viewing. I can see why a child would assume it means really attractive.

By age 10/11 he should know what sex is as sex education is normally in year 5 or 6. That should be a deterrent to using the word.

I'd talk to your h and start a "knock before you enter a room with a closed door" rule. Ime most households start at 6/7 ish when kids develop a sense of not wanting to be seen naked too.

If this is a case of dss being babied because the parents are divorced and not stepping up then both parents are creating a massive problem for him.

In y6 I remember my son and his friend waking home with me and telling me that A (a classmate ) was a pedo and pervert because he looked at other people's pants when they were changing for PE. Apparently A stopped doing this once the other boys called him out on it but having the reputation of a pervert isn't going to help him in secondary. In the same vein, he should know that if he called a classmate "sexy" then they won't like it and why

I’d be concerned too, OP, you’ve been given a lot of sensible suggestions already but I think a full and frank discussion with your DP is also in order, as soon as possible.

And I’m quite agog at the poster suggesting that. 3 year old in nappies is shocking and being babied by their parents but a 10 year old can legitimately be described as a small child.

@Scbchl

Id just say "x, no one comes and watches you when you are on the toilet, I'm sure you wouldn't like people seeing your bum being wiped, so can we give y some privacy please when she's getting hers done now, close the door on your way out and Il be out when we are done"

Yes, this. He's 10 there's no need to go into all the clinical genitals talk or suggestions to your dh to have a word. Just say as soon as it happens "x please go back to (whatever you were doing) it's not nice to stare at other people on the toilet or having their clothes changed". You can build it in to general lessons e.g if he sees women breastfeeding or people getting changed on the beach "we don't stare at people when they are undressed" so you're not having a go at him, just explaining a social norm that applies to everyone.

It could very well be completely normal - if it was a 10/11 year old girl wanting to help change the baby people would say it was sweet so there's not a clear line that suggests anything dodgy.

[quote RockinHorseShit]@ChoiceMummy I really hope you don't have DCs because you are not cut out to bring up kids in todays world with that attitude. The fact you have the brass nerve to call out parents who are way more on the ball than you says that you are scarily naive.

Natural Curiosity in this instance - 4/5 max... any older & no developmental delay is creepy AF & shows the lad has been exposed to stuff he should have or worse & either way he needs help before this gets worse still[/quote]
Such a poisonous way to the view the world.

10-11 yo boy doesn it have to be sexualky deviant or having watched porn. He could and most likely is just a child.

I find it awful that this is the first conclusion. If there was any suggestion of anything actually untoward, then yes, safeguard the child, but there is not. How sad that you'd rather label a child in this way, than think could this issue be the op herself?

Such a poisonous way to the view the world

No @ChoiceMummy I'm the parent of a DD who was sexually assaulted in primary school as were 2 of her friends by boys viewing & sharing hardcore porn at this age & younger.

Maybe I'm just much more realistic as this is sadly not uncommon these days

"How sad that you'd rather label a child in this way, than think could this issue be the op herself?"

How sad that anyone would rather even risk putting a child in danger then dealing with the issue.

No one is labelling a child in this way, and I cannot see how this issue is anything to do with the op herself!

RockinHorseShit I also sorry to hear of your situation

if there was any suggestion of anything untoward

There is. He actively comes and watches and stares at the dd being changed.

The op doesn't bath the dd when he's there as he's so intrusive.

He's called a 2 year old sexy.

What more would it take for you to have concerns

@ChoiceMummy

Rose coloured glasses are lovely for the wearer, but terrible things can go down on their watch. Turned up to see my lovely DGM one day, to find long absent cousin berating her for what (DGM allowed) her son to do to her. Shocking violence in this case.

@tolerable

hmmm. cant help but wonder...if was direct big bro- how would you deal with it?? curiosity..isnt necessarily sinister... does he change his wee sis at mums? my ds1was 15 when ds2 was born. he watched nappy changed..then said..will i do it. he was in no manner violating his brother..nappychanging is a life skill. That said, 3s probli ltd time left in nappy. is she nursery age.?.. easy way around it is..announce.."private business" change her out of range\bathroom. presumeably-he doesnt go toilet with audience. hes old enough to understand its not a spectator sport

A direct big brother of 11 would or SHOULD also be told to go away. It's not the same as a 15 year old offering to help. It's an 11 year old staring.

if there was any suggestion of anything untoward

The fact that dss sibling has the normal reaction of leaving the room when they see that op is changing a nappy suggests that something is wrong.

If the child has viewed porn then they aren't a deviant but it means that the adults in their life need to step up and talk to dss. There are rules for using the Internet at school and kids know that searching for "naked ladies" would get you into deep trouble and why. Problem is too many parents don't even try to protect their kids online and assume that they don't need to because their kids wouldn't go looking for porn.

Based on OP's description, the stepkids aren't even knocking before entering a room where the door is closed. The 10 year olds that I know do this every time and if told that the person in the room was changing a nappy then would go away rather than come in.