DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

This is inappropriate for a teenage boy. I’d tell him to please give DD some privacy. YANBU, OP, I’d be paranoid about this too.

I sort of feel like if you feel she needs privacy then you should go somewhere private? Bedroom maybe?

So he’s 10 or 11?
Is he living with you full time?

@NatriumChloride

This is inappropriate for a teenage boy. I’d tell him to please give DD some privacy. YANBU, OP, I’d be paranoid about this too.

He's not a teenager yet but not far off. Its such a big age gap between them so I'm a bit uneasy about it, more so than I would be if he was say 5 or 6 as such curiosity is more understandable at that age.

Thank you for understanding and not judging me as a fruit loop

I would just make a point of saying aloud with him in earshot that you are going to the bedroom to change your DD's nappy and you wish for her to have privacy so no coming into the bedroom.

Can you openly discuss the situation with dss? Would he tell you why he is coming over? What does he understand about privacy / boundaries etc.

Sorry, don’t mean my comment unkindly. Parenting is tough at the best of times

He doesn't live here full time no, but frequently here

No this is weird, I initially missed that he’s about to start secondary school soon. I actually feel quite unsettled about it.

YANBU. Close the door and tell him he needs to respect your DD's privacy.

I think it's a real leap to suggest that it's anything other than childish curiosity.

BUT you are absolutely not unreasonable to ask him to give DD some privacy. It's a good lesson for both of them. I'm surprised you haven't asked him already.

I once worked in a nursery that got a bollocking from Ofsted because it didn't have a separate baby change area in the baby room (all babies under a year old) because babies have to have their privacy respected. It should absolutely be the case at 3 years old.

Won't discuss further but I wish I had been more aware when my dd was 3..
Yanbu to insist on privacy. He has no need whatsoever to be viewing a toddler's genitals. Once by accident maybe. Twice and deliberately def not OK.

Interesting and complex. Much better to be overcautious than under cautious so good on you for being that aware and raising it here. I think I'd also feel a little uneasy. Interested to hear what others say.

@Liveandkicking

Sorry, don’t mean my comment unkindly. Parenting is tough at the best of times

That's ok I haven't taken offence, I knew not everybody would see where I'm coming from and expected comments harsher than yours so don't worry.

I do try to change her privately but it's a small flat and he's in and out of rooms all the time. I asked dad to support me in ensuring he's not coming in the same room when I'm changing her, because everybody is entitled to privacy even pre schoolers. He agreed and got on board but has completely forgotten about it it seems.

Change her in the bedroom, close/lock the door, tell all concerned not to come in during then.

If he's 11 I'd find that a bit strange. Not necessarily nefarious but just... inappropriate. We don't stare at our siblings genitals at 8 or 11 or at 16 or at 20... etc. just tell him she needs privacy just like everyone else gets privacy and not to stare.

@Citronsucre

Can you openly discuss the situation with dss? Would he tell you why he is coming over? What does he understand about privacy / boundaries etc.

I'm prepared to talk to him absolutely, I don't think he's very clear on privacy and boundaries to be honest. He has a sister a similar age at his mum's so is probably used to it not being an issue.

Yes, for his sake he needs to understand boundaries and privacy, or his curiosity could get him into trouble.

Tell your DH you are going to talk to him, and you want DH to have him respect the same rules - he does not stand over her.

Then tell you DSS your daughter needs privacy and he needs to stay away. And also that is rude full stop to look at other peoples naked bodies (eg in changing rooms), and he will upset people it if does this.

I’d also keep an eye on it OP. I’m not usually a worrier about things like this, but it is odd.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Won't discuss further but I wish I had been more aware when my dd was 3.. Yanbu to insist on privacy. He has no need whatsoever to be viewing a toddler's genitals. Once by accident maybe. Twice and deliberately def not OK.

I'm so sorry

This gave me the creeps. I would go to the bedroom to change her and close the door.

There used to be a lock on our bedroom door but isn't anymore because it broke and we were locked out until the next day when the landlord could send a locksmith, he doesn't want any more internal locks after that palava.

Thank you all (well almost all) for not immediately discounting me as being neurotic

That's actually very weird and concerning.

I'd feel creeped out too. She also needs privacy. Don't allow him to be around when you're changing her and don't feel uncomfortable in telling him to go away when you're changing her.

You have nothing to be uncomfortable about. You're her advocate.

@Namechangeof2021

There used to be a lock on our bedroom door but isn't anymore because it broke and we were locked out until the next day when the landlord could send a locksmith, he doesn't want any more internal locks after that palava.

Thank you all (well almost all) for not immediately discounting me as being neurotic

Change her bum but put your back against the door.