DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

@Halllyup17

With kindness, you need to stop projecting your anxieties on to your child. I have an almost 3 year old, and an 11 year old, and it wouldn't occur to me in the slightest that the older one seeing the younger one having her nappy changed would be an issue. In fact, the younger one loves nothing more than to be naked.

Maybe I'm more relaxed because mine are both girls, but that really shouldn't be an issue. They're both children, and they're siblings. Nothing weird about that.

The ss isn't just seeing the dd naked, he's actively following to look and stare. So much so that the op doesn't bath dd when he's there. There's some sort of issue here, wouldn't you say?

My nephew was like this with my daughter. He’s autistic and just didn’t realise it was inappropriate (he is also only 8 so a little younger than the stepson). I just asked him to please give her some privacy and he was absolutely fine about it he just hadn’t clocked. I think just putting down boundaries nicely works wonders.

What's he actually doing? Is he coming in and silently staring at her genitals or is he coming in and talking to you both? Because there's a massive difference

I think you need to take charge and not wait for your (rather pathetic) DH to act, OP. Every time you need to change her, "Right SS, out now, please. DD needs to change privately. You can come back in when we're finished."

Are you sure he isnt coming over to help occupy her whilst you change her, rather than to have a look?
If not I suspect it curiosity. Has someone ever had the chat with him about male & female anatomy and how it differs? If he is on the cusp of being a teenager, perhaps it might be a good time for this. You can get some helpful books for kids on this topic nowadays. It might be good to get him one to redirected his curiosity and so he can look through it in his own time. I had a friend with a boy & a girl, 9 months apart. She got them these books around 10 years old and she said they were great.

Ditto @billy1966

I've messaged them to ask why as it's not what I expected from this site & can only guess it was a mistake. I'm disgusted if it is deemed offensive

It's very strange. When I was this age, I'm sure I thought that anyone else's mess was disgusting, especially a baby's. I had lots of friends with baby siblings and I can actually remember their mums taking them out the room to change them. We didn't run after them. That would be weird. He's too old to be 'curious', that's the behaviour of a four year old.

You are doing the right thing by putting a stop to this. You are protecting your DD.

My DS is nearly 11, he always walks out if he comes into the bathroom and his younger sister is on the toilet or in the bath, so he has a good understanding of privacy. It could well be he hasn’t learnt boundaries yet and doesn’t understand the importance of privacy. I’m sure a chat from his Dad would help rectify this situation. If it continues after the conversation, I would be concerned but address the issue first with a conversation about privacy, many children at that age can still be unaware with regards to what’s appropriate behaviour and what’s not.

Agree with other posters saying no more changing in living room. Take her to your bedroom and tell the older children that your bedroom is off limits and no one should be coming in for any reason during the day. Zero tolerance for this.

This sounds inappropriate and your DH needs to step up and parent his son.

As others have said, you want her to be able to potty train when ready and you and her need a stress free environment for that, with no one barging into the bathroom. It’s really not much to ask.

@LottyD32 yes, there's an issue with the OP and anyone else who thinks this is anything but childish curiosity.

[quote Halllyup17]@LottyD32 yes, there's an issue with the OP and anyone else who thinks this is anything but childish curiosity.[/quote]
@Halllyup17 How many times does he need to look though 🤔

Why does he need to watch her in the bath? So much so that op doesn't bath her when he's there?

It's not normal, however much you want to minimise.

@Namechangeof2021

There used to be a lock on our bedroom door but isn't anymore because it broke and we were locked out until the next day when the landlord could send a locksmith, he doesn't want any more internal locks after that palava.

Thank you all (well almost all) for not immediately discounting me as being neurotic

Get one of those hook things that take 5 minutes to screw into door frame.

@VickyPolli

Mine does the same with his little sister. It's normal innocent curiosity as your dh said who probably knows his son well. You need to think about why your reacting like this, posting on step parenting board and whether you'd think differently if he was your biological son.

And you?

Get a simple bolt and put on your bedroom door. Change DD away from DSS.

@JulesJoules

I'm afraid the non-potty trained 3 year old is the issue here. Not the child obviously, the parents. Why is she not potty trained - that would solve the problem surely?? Yes DSS is curious and probably inappropriately so, but don't blame a young curious child, look much closer to home. I'm a step mother myself and very open to the difficulties of step parenting, but this is OP and her husband's fault for treating a 3 year old like a baby.

And you?

@JulesJoules

I'm afraid the non-potty trained 3 year old is the issue here. Not the child obviously, the parents. Why is she not potty trained - that would solve the problem surely?? Yes DSS is curious and probably inappropriately so, but don't blame a young curious child, look much closer to home. I'm a step mother myself and very open to the difficulties of step parenting, but this is OP and her husband's fault for treating a 3 year old like a baby.

What a load of rubbish.

Did special needs occur to you before posting that bollocks?

@MiddleParking for goodness sake stop the hysteria. I've reported your posts, I hope you don't go around calling people peadophiles regularly. I for one am most definitely not a peadophile and I am deeply offended being the victim of CSA myself.

It doesn't matter what his intentions are, your daughter deserves some privacy

A 10/11 year old would normally look away if a baby was about to be changed because they wouldn't want to see a poo filled nappy and they should be well aware of privacy issues because they should be knocking on doors before they enter etc

Curiousity would be looking once or twice. Going into a closed room every time is not normal behaviour at all. Does he have free access to the Internet? I'd be looking at a child's search history if they were doing this.

There used to be a lock on our bedroom door but isn't anymore because it broke and we were locked out until the next day when the landlord could send a locksmith, he doesn't want any more internal locks after that palava.

Either put a lock back on and organize/pay for the locksmith yourself - or put a sturdy bolt on the door.

Time to teach DSS about boundaries generally. A good life skill to learn.

And no, you are not being paranoid. Better to nip the potential for this kind of thing in the bud.

Hi - can I raise the possibility that this boy has been exposed to porn?

(sorry haven't read full thread in case am repeating anyone)

Use of the word sexy and (clearly unusual / inappropriate) interest in looking at a naked toddler - my immediate worry would be he has seen pornography and is curious for many reasons because of that - maybe he heard the word sexy/ saw it in porn/ maybe an older child showed him porn and said do you want to see something sexy.

He does not have to have watched much porn for it to have a huge impact on a developing mind.

I also have to raise the concern that he himself has been abused - he is displaying potentially alarming behaviour - it would need to be considered.

@AryaStarkWolf

It doesn't matter what his intentions are, your daughter deserves some privacy

The dd deserves privacy but the adults should be looking into why he does this. Does someone watch him when he goes to the loo or comes out of the shower ? He's not watching people on the loo at home or school is he?