DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

At his age it is odd. Have a word, and also go somewhere else and shut the door.
For his own sake, he needs to understand that his behaviour is not on. He isn’t 5/6. He’s about to go to secondary school.

Can you just shut the bedroom door when you change her?

I do shut the door to whatever room I'm changing her in but they just burst in (more than one SC but the other doesn't do this, just turns and walks back out)

Sitting on the floor behind the door is a good idea

Door wedge on the inside. I'd definitely err on the side of caution.

OP if you want a door lock for your bedroom you can get ready simple ones that can be opened from the outside using a thin metal pin or something like the inside of a pen. Something that takes two seconds to break into if necessary but send the clear message ´private, come back later’ to anyone who tries the door.

My mum did this with all of my kids. It made me uncomfortable. I dont think my mum had bad intentions but definitely no ideas on privacy. Or boundaries generally. My mum is abusive so no point in telling her to stop but your DSS is young enough to learn. Have that conversation with him

My ds was 10 when my dd was 3 and I can honestly say he never came over during nappy change...quite the opposite actually he'd make sure he was out the way and found it gross, if he was in the same room he'd turn away or go into another room. He's a bit old to be watching your dd at nappy change op. Definitely tell him she needs her privacy and it's inappropriate. If he was younger maybe it is just curiosity but not at this age.

Id just say "x, no one comes and watches you when you are on the toilet, I'm sure you wouldn't like people seeing your bum being wiped, so can we give y some privacy please when she's getting hers done now, close the door on your way out and Il be out when we are done"

@Scbchl

Id just say "x, no one comes and watches you when you are on the toilet, I'm sure you wouldn't like people seeing your bum being wiped, so can we give y some privacy please when she's getting hers done now, close the door on your way out and Il be out when we are done"

Exactly this. There is no need for him to come and stare. Make it clear and definitely sit behind the door when changing her so he has no way of walking in.

Yes, you can just kneel on the floor to change her with your feet against the door so nobody can come in (I adopt this position when wrapping Christmas presents!). Maybe it's all innocent but I'd be annoyed that you're obviously uncomfortable and that's not being acknowledged or respected.

I wouldn’t assume that ideas of privacy are universal and obvious. I grew up in quite a “naked” house and never thought about hiding my ds genitals from others when he was a baby.
How does your dss feel about his body now? If he values his own privacy now you can appeal to that feeling he has to explain.
However My ds is 8 but has no sense of shame/embarrassment in nakedness. He knows the nspcc pants rules but is unashamed naked with dh and I and also changes communally with other boys for swimming etc. he would struggle to understand if I said a baby should be entitled to privacy.

If it's curiosity, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he's had a look, so he knows what it all looks like. End of. Sit him down and tell him about privacy and respect. And no more staring at naked sisters in either home. He'll be turning into a creep if he keeps this up. His father needs to be parenting a lot more strongly on positive good brother models. Don't back down, he needs to know in no uncertain terms that what he is doing is unacceptable.

Some good advice here thank you

I'll ask my landlord if he'll consider me putting on a lock as suggested by PP, just one that can be broken into easily this time. I'm not sure he'll say yes after needing to fork out for a locksmith but it's worth a try.

I'm so relieved that some people can see where I'm coming from and understand my hesitancy.

Dad is super on the ball with his older kids privacy. If they're in the bedroom getting changed and the door is left open he's always the first to say oi shut the door you're not dressed, don't leave the bathroom door open if you're using the toilet but with DD it just goes over his head which frustrates the hell out of me because it's not DD, and certainly not me, who's seeking DSS out in various states of undress it's the other way around.

You can buy a door wedge for a pound or so. I think his dad needs to speak to him about this and talk about privacy and respect. The thing is, your stepson knows that you know what he's doing and he still does it. I think that's quite troubling.

No it’s not ok.

I have a baby girl and an 8 year old DS. There was initially some curiosity about how to change a nappy and then how about what a vagina looks like but it wore off in about 3 weeks of her being born.
At 10/11 this is highly inappropriate. He needs to be told to stop it. Were he my son he would have been told firmly to go away and stop looking. That it’s rude & inappropriate. Why he does it is neither here nor there. He just shouldn’t and he needs to learn that sharpish.

I think you should raise it with DSS, not unreasonable in my opinion. Something along the lines of now DD is getting older she needs privacy for nappy changes. If he continues to come into the room/tries to if you manage to lock it then you know further action is needed.

I think it's normal for younger children to be curious about nappy changes but a 10 year old 3 years later is a little odd.

Get one of those rubber door wedges you can buy in any hardware shop. Not expensive and very useful. Keep it up high and out of sight when not in use so the dc can't get hold of it.

"x, no one comes and watches you when you are on the toilet, I'm sure you wouldn't like people seeing your bum being wiped, so can we give y some privacy please"

That. It's clear, logical and straightforward.

Tbh it’s odd, once or twice accidentally it’s ok but to be somehow curious or interested in this…
Do a bit of training. Go to the bedroom announcing that you are going to change DD, close the door and sit with your back holding the door properly and wait. If someone tries to go in shout loudly “wait/ don’t go in here” or something similar. Explain DSS or whoever is trying to get in that it’s not appropriate during changing time. Do this regularly to get your point across.

Put a stop to this, immediately. There is nothing normal or acceptable about this at his age.

I’d also speak to your DH about the nearly teenager needing to know clear boundaries when it comes to other kids in school. If he’s been told to respect your DD’s privacy and doesn’t I’d be worried he wouldn’t understand privacy for other kids in school (and no means no when older). I don’t mean to make a leap or judgemental at all, it just might help your DH realise how important this is and what you’re saying needs to be listened to!

You sound like a great mum.

I just asked dp what he thought - he said at 10 his mum made him change his sisters nappies. He thinks it's a bit odd but wondered if dss is trying to be interested to get your attention

I'm glad people don't think I'd be over stepping to address it with him myself. I'm going to tomorrow.

I wish I could say this was a new issue but it's not. I actually asked for some advice on how to raise it with dad last year as I was worried he would get upset and defensive and ask what I was implying.

I did raise it with him and he was receptive to the fact I was uncomfortable and said he respected my position in that I wanted DD to have the same privacy awarded to her that the older ones get as standard.

He was good at enforcing it for a while but as time has gone by he's just forgotten about it as it's not something he's worried about or even really notices, whereas the older she gets the more I'm finding it.

I would suggest you always change her in your bedroom and make it a rule that he can only go in there when he has knocked and been invited in. Insist that your husband does the same. It probably is simply curiosity on DSS part but you should always listen to that niggling little voice in the back of your head and be alert to any other red flags

@Aquamarine1029

Put a stop to this, immediately. There is nothing normal or acceptable about this at his age.

Thank God! I thought it was just be seeing this as totally inappropriate and bloody weird!