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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Travel arrangements for weekends

142 replies

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 08:34

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 15/02/2022 07:07

[quote whysoserious123]@ChoiceMummy

' emotional or even physical ' abuse and the mother is allowing contact that's shocking!

You say the father should have protest about her moving 3.5 hours away and cause he didn't that means he's an abuser. Well if he's an abuser then why didn't she protest so he could only have supervised visits or none at all.

But as previously said you don't know and I don't know and we are only getting one side of the story here .

But bottom line is the mother is just as responsible for ensuring the children are dropped off and picked up for scheduled contacts and the face that the father has done it solely for 5 years means it's more than time for the mother to get a grip and drop and or pick up her own children.

[/quote]
What I am saying is that in usual situations the default would be shared travel if there's large distances and the courts involved. However, in cases where the adults have experienced abuse, that's not always the situation, some use third parties etc, some don't do half the travel. And again, it is commonplace that if the woman (predominantly the woman) has experienced abuse herself but it's not been directed at the children, the courts and ss will say contact goes ahead as the father isn't viewed to meet the threshold for withholding or supervised contact. That's why she may not have "protested". So my point was, that she may have relocates 3.5 hours away due to abuse towards her.

The father could easily have got a prohibitive steps order stopping her move, but didn't. He chose to accept the distance and the travel. Why?

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 15/02/2022 07:40

Wait wtf?! How did this turn into my DH being abusive? They broke up because she cheated and she moved to be with that guy. For those of you saying my DH didn’t fight his ex moving, he did. And before he had access every second weekend he had no overnight access at all. So the every second weekend was a big step hence why he didn’t want to ask for more re travelling. Circumstances have changed now because we have a family. I think it’s pretty unfair to say he’s not trying hard enough.

OP posts:

QuirkyTurtle · 15/02/2022 08:13

It's embarrassing the amount of assuming / projecting that goes on on the stepparent board. If there is a divorce, that must mean the man was abusive. There is no other way.

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 08:48

@alittleadvicepls

Makes complete sense. DH husband shouldn't be doing all the travelling it's not fair on him or you and he has done it for long enough. The mother really needs to share half the travelling, how she has got away with it for so long is ridiculous. She is taken your DH for a ride. No idea either why @ChoiceMummy went off on such a tangent but I did try and explain it to her

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 08:49

@QuirkyTurtle

It's embarrassing the amount of assuming / projecting that goes on on the stepparent board. If there is a divorce, that must mean the man was abusive. There is no other way.

Agreed !

ChoiceMummy · 15/02/2022 08:50

@alittleadvicepls

Are you really expecting that he fought via the courts for a prohibitive steps order and this was refused, but awarded overnights eow and expected to do all of the travel?

QuirkyTurtle · 15/02/2022 08:52

Oh give it a rest mate.

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 15/02/2022 09:02

@ChoiceMummy that is indeed what happened. He’s had the same lawyer all along. I have no reason to doubt what he’s telling me. I’m not sure why you’re so intent on making him the bad guy.

OP posts:

Lalala1 · 15/02/2022 11:21

@alittleadvicepls

Did their court order state he had EOW and HE was to do the travelling?

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 15/02/2022 12:57

@Lalala1 yes, that’s the current court order. I know he has to go back to court to get it changed but I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable expecting the ex to share some responsibility re travelling.

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 15/02/2022 16:48

[quote alittleadvicepls]@Lalala1 yes, that’s the current court order. I know he has to go back to court to get it changed but I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable expecting the ex to share some responsibility re travelling.[/quote]
So 5 pages in you decide to suddenly suggest that there's a cao in place? In which the court thought it was appropriate that he travel 14 hours every other weekend for contact with his children and had to, in your words, then fight for overnight contact. If so, then something really is remiss here.

Glitterygreen · 15/02/2022 17:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable @alittleadvicepls, but I equally don't think there's much he can do if his ex won't play ball and meet halfway.

My SCs live over 100 miles away as their mum moved with them to be near her own family. She and DP have met halfway from the day she moved.

He spoke to work and juggled his hours so he does an hour or so extra Mon-Thurs during the weeks he needs to pick them up and then is able to leave at 2pm to meet at 5.30.

It wouldn't work for him to do the whole journey himself as they would be getting back with him way too late. Even doing what he does they get back past 8pm usually, so doing the whole round trip after work would mean they weren't back until 11pm+.

Is this not an issue for your DP too?

Glitterygreen · 15/02/2022 17:19

Is this not an issue for your DP too?

What I mean is, if it is, would this not sway mum to help out so her kids weren't having such a late journey?

Also they'd get a break in the middle of the journey if they met halfway. My DP and his ex meet somewhere where he can get the kids dinner before setting off back to with him.

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 15/02/2022 17:58

@Glitterygreen he has tried talking to her and talking through lawyers about alternative and shared travel arrangements which she has rejected everytime. DH does stop halfway to grab the kids some food so they do get a break in the journey. I just can’t help but feel she’s being fully unreasonable.

OP posts:

Lalala1 · 15/02/2022 18:51

[quote alittleadvicepls]@Glitterygreen he has tried talking to her and talking through lawyers about alternative and shared travel arrangements which she has rejected everytime. DH does stop halfway to grab the kids some food so they do get a break in the journey. I just can’t help but feel she’s being fully unreasonable.[/quote]
That’s why I asked if it specifically stated your DP was responsible for the travelling. I get that you feel it’s unreasonable of her but that’s her choice(rightly or wrongly). They are both following the cao so if your DP now feels that cao isn’t working for the children he should go back and ask for the cao to be changed.
I do find it strange a court ordered EOW with him to facilitate the travel when she just decided to moved away especially since you say he fought to stop the move. There must be a reason a court decided she could move PLUS he was to do the travelling

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 15/02/2022 19:09

@Lalala1 I don’t think there is a reason tbh. I didn’t go to the hearing but I did read the paperwork and the ‘dad to pick up and drop off kids from mothers residence’ bit is added handwritten at the bottom of the page. Very odd imo but it is what it is for the time being- just not sustainable any longer.

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 15/02/2022 22:37

Just not sustainable any longer because now the new partner has chosen to have two children she finds looking after said two children too much whilst he collects the sc!

It's not about the best est interests of the children. Solely the best interests of the sm.

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 22:41

Can DH get the court order changed ? His circumstances have changed there are two other children who need to be thought about now

Lalala1 · 15/02/2022 22:42

@alittleadvicepls

Just curious but if your DP goes back to court and they say there’s to be no change to current order then what?
How old are the DC? And how long has the order been in place?

RandomMess · 15/02/2022 23:49

I honestly think as pre teens the DSC may well prefer it to be every 3rd weekend with more in the school holidays. I cannot imagine they love all that travelling and missing out on weekend stuff with their friends.

Dad can have regular phone calls and face time with them etc. that is a way to be more present

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 16/02/2022 04:45

@RandomMess yes they would probably like it better too. We’ve had a few instances of them being ‘in a mood’ because some sort of social event fell on their dad’s weekend and they’ve had to miss it.

OP posts:

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 16/02/2022 04:47

@Lalala1 then we’ll just have to suck it up! The order has been in place since the youngest was 3. She’s 9 now. I think the order was made for younger children and has a good chance of being changed to reflect new circumstances all around and the current age of the kids.

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 16/02/2022 07:19

[quote alittleadvicepls]@Lalala1 then we’ll just have to suck it up! The order has been in place since the youngest was 3. She’s 9 now. I think the order was made for younger children and has a good chance of being changed to reflect new circumstances all around and the current age of the kids.[/quote]
Only the sc are relevant if you return to court. You having two children is irrelevant. It's about best interests of the sc.

Suggesting more holiday contact means reducing the time when they're in their home town at an age now that will want to be with their friends.

It wouldn't matter if only saw dad every 3rd weekend that would still impact events they cannot attend in their home town that would be planned for that date and what you/your oh refused to facilitate to date, like children's parties. And that, imo, is not what a good parent does!

You do not wish to act in their best interests, which would have been quite obviously to spend some contact weekends in their locale. Planned on advance that could be £30 a night. And would mean that your oh isn't doing 14 hours of travelling and more importantly, that the sc aren't doing 7 hours eow. That once a month would have been beneficial for all.

Return to court now and the precedent is set even without an order that mum doesn't facilitate the travel.

So what are you going to when cafcass ask them do you want to keep travelling to see dad and they say no, or not that much? Are you @alittleadvicepls going to want to have pushed this and then he doesn't even have anything beyond long weekend in holiday or maybe a week or so? So less contact because you don't like managing the fact you have 2 children to look after during his travel time? That is a real possibility.

Glitterygreen · 16/02/2022 10:36

I'd be interested to know what the court was thinking in saying he had to do all the travelling when she was the one who moved away.

I think it's terrible when one parent won't meet halfway, it's so selfish and impacts the children negatively as it means they get back to their dad's so much later than they could do.

ChoiceMummy · 16/02/2022 10:43

@Glitterygreen
I'd be interested to know what the court was thinking in saying he had to do all the travelling when she was the one who moved away.
It's unusual for this to be the case, unless there was abuse of some sort or some other form of vulnerability on the side of the ex.
What is certain, is that there are many examples where a new partner has been spun a yarn about what led to these situations and then when history repeats again, as it sadly, so often does, it becomes abundantly clear. I hope that's not the case here, but too frequently it is.

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