Travel arrangements for weekends

[alittleadvicepls]

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

@ChoiceMummy...
It wouldn't matter if only saw dad every 3rd weekend that would still impact events they cannot attend in their home town that would be planned for that date and what you/your oh refused to facilitate to date, like children's parties. And that, imo, is not what a good parent does

Your posts are highly amusing. You want the DF to find suitable accommodation local to the DC so they can attend parties etc to be a good parent?! My DCs attending parties is far down the line of necessary things to do for me to be a good parent - your reasoning seems way off to me.

OP, I'd take it back to court as circumstances have changed for your DH and yourself - no harm in trying.

I'd pay what the CMS calculator says and not £400 over. Unless you have a lot of surplus cash I don't see see you would do this. Co-parenting is exactly that and she ain't playing ball.

I'd request half of all school holidays, so 3 weeks in the summer, one at Easter and Christmas etc. I'd then do a weekend or two in between half term - that way it's a reduction in travel for all involved and increased time for your DH.

He pays £400 a month OVER CMS, whilst you are both unemployed, but he can't afford an AirBnB or a Premier Inn for 4 night per month.

None of your posts make sense OP

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky he pays extra because the kids wanted music and sport classes which the ex couldn’t afford.

[quote PoshCoffeeOnly]@ChoiceMummy...
It wouldn't matter if only saw dad every 3rd weekend that would still impact events they cannot attend in their home town that would be planned for that date and what you/your oh refused to facilitate to date, like children's parties. And that, imo, is not what a good parent does

Your posts are highly amusing. You want the DF to find suitable accommodation local to the DC so they can attend parties etc to be a good parent?! My DCs attending parties is far down the line of necessary things to do for me to be a good parent - your reasoning seems way off to me.

OP, I'd take it back to court as circumstances have changed for your DH and yourself - no harm in trying.

I'd pay what the CMS calculator says and not £400 over. Unless you have a lot of surplus cash I don't see see you would do this. Co-parenting is exactly that and she ain't playing ball.

I'd request half of all school holidays, so 3 weeks in the summer, one at Easter and Christmas etc. I'd then do a weekend or two in between half term - that way it's a reduction in travel for all involved and increased time for your DH.[/quote]
So you think that every time your child gets an invite that falls on the other parent's time, that they should have to decline because it doesn't fit what's best and convenient for that parent and his new partner?

Having children is about sacrifices and there are none being made here.

[quote alittleadvicepls]@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky he pays extra because the kids wanted music and sport classes which the ex couldn’t afford.[/quote]
Very expensive lessons!
And imo, that's not paying over for the child maintenance, that's paying for child activities which are the responsibility for both parents. Suggesting he pays over by £400 infers that the ex has £400 for her extension that you crowed about earlier.

I'm afraid that there are more holes in this thread than I'm Edam.

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky he pays extra because the kids wanted music and sport classes which the ex couldn’t afford.

Very expensive lessons!
And imo, that's not paying over for the child maintenance, that's paying for child activities which are the responsibility for both parents. Suggesting he pays over by £400 infers that the ex has £400 for her extension that you crowed about earlier.

I'm afraid that there are more holes in this thread than I'm Edam

*And so he can afford such expensive lessons but can't afford a premier inn twice a month?

Not forgetting that he can also afford to lose his job by being totally irresponsible?*

Alright thanks @ChoiceMummy 👍🏻

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky the answer isn’t to book a hotel for 4 nights a month for 6 people until the kids are 18 and decide what they want to do with their weekend.

What about our dog? What about the activities our 5 yr old has? What about people (like me) who work shift work?
What about during the pandemic when hotels were closed and there was nothing to do outdoors during rainy days? I don’t think having 4 kids in a hotel room is pleasant for the adults AND the kids involved.

The point of this thread was just to know if I was being unreasonable by wanting a more sustainable access arrangement. He’ll obviously discuss it with his lawyer and come up with another arrangement which works for everyone.

thing is though - as I have said upthread, the travelling to contact is only one aspect of parenting. It has been outlined by others that there are MANY good reasons why someone may move away and in many cases the NRP was a pretty uninvolved, EOW parent anyway, by choice. If the RP is doing everything, all the school runs, every meal, every activity, every problem, every homework, I don't necessarily think it is fair that they also have to do half the travelling when that is basically ALL the NRP does. The cost of travelling might also go someway to redress the balance of the difference between most CMS payments and what an RP actually spends on the children also. Every case is different and so there will be an immediate chorus of "but what about" and in some cases it MAY be fair to split it and the move may have taken kids away from a very involved and caring Dad, but in one such as outlined above, its not that simple.

[quote alittleadvicepls]@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky the answer isn’t to book a hotel for 4 nights a month for 6 people until the kids are 18 and decide what they want to do with their weekend.

What about our dog? What about the activities our 5 yr old has? What about people (like me) who work shift work?
What about during the pandemic when hotels were closed and there was nothing to do outdoors during rainy days? I don’t think having 4 kids in a hotel room is pleasant for the adults AND the kids involved.

The point of this thread was just to know if I was being unreasonable by wanting a more sustainable access arrangement. He’ll obviously discuss it with his lawyer and come up with another arrangement which works for everyone.[/quote]
As I said before, it's 1 room for 3 people. The father and his 2 children from his first marriage.

You don't figure in this for eow contact. Can you not see this? You and the half siblings.would be seen during the school holidays.

That is in the best interests of the children.

As for your shift work, dog etc, they're your issues and irrelevant to the needs and best interests of the sc.

[quote alittleadvicepls]@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky the answer isn’t to book a hotel for 4 nights a month for 6 people until the kids are 18 and decide what they want to do with their weekend.

What about our dog? What about the activities our 5 yr old has? What about people (like me) who work shift work?
What about during the pandemic when hotels were closed and there was nothing to do outdoors during rainy days? I don’t think having 4 kids in a hotel room is pleasant for the adults AND the kids involved.

The point of this thread was just to know if I was being unreasonable by wanting a more sustainable access arrangement. He’ll obviously discuss it with his lawyer and come up with another arrangement which works for everyone.[/quote]
Why 6 people? They're his kids not yours!

You can surely look after your kids and dog by yourself while he sees his children?

Or do a hybrid? Do the travelling one weekend a month and hotel one weekend so you get a mix of time all 6 of you together and a weekend where you're separate?

You seem to not be happy with any suggestions anyone makes that involves you dealing with your own children alone. Or in fact any suggestion that isn't in some way reducing your husbands time with his children.

Put the children first!

TBH his lawyer didn't get a very good result all those years ago (based on the limited information given).

I think before you do anything asking the DC what they would like is the starting point.

They may be happy with one weekend a month plus him going up for a weekend day/overnight in between.

@RandomMess we did ask them on a few occasions but they just shrug in the typical pre-teen way and say they don’t know/care. I’m sure we’ll figure something out in time and I’m sure things will change again as the children become older and more vocal about their wishes.

There's got to be a better compromise for the sake of the children thinking about this in the long term. What are their views on the amount of travel? My kids would have been exhausted for the rest of the week following the weekend away.

The court is going to ask why you haven't done anything to mitigate your circumstances before applying for a variation of the order - why wont you book a cheap b n b for the 3 of them......why are you claiming you can't afford it whilst paying £400 over CMS... how are you affording an extra £400 whilst both being unemployed....

In short why aren't you acting in the children's best interests.

They aren't concerned about your circumstances and the fact that you seem to be suggesting you can't manage for 4 days per month without your husband - they are only concerned with the children who are the subject of the order.

The holes in this story are getting bigger by the day.

[quote alittleadvicepls]@negomi90 DH says they have a good time in the car. They chat and catch up, play games, stop for snacks. If they catch the train then they all watch a movie together. I’m just expecting the kids to turn around one day and say they don’t want to come up anymore because it’s too far (which would be fair!).[/quote]

So dh doesn't mind children don't mind but you have an issuse? If dh was working at that time you would still have no car for that time and still be alone with your children. Stop making issuses when the main people involved seem fine with the travel arrangements. If in time children say they don't want to travel then dh and ex need to come up with a new plan.