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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Travel arrangements for weekends

142 replies

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 08:34

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 08:38

He also used to get in trouble with his old job about not being present enough on Fridays. He couldn’t take meetings because he’d be driving. They’ve since let him go and he’s looking for a new job but how would he keep a new job without being available to properly work on Fridays?! I used to sometimes be the one driving to pick up his kids so he could stay home and work but the ex said I wasn’t allowed to pick up the kids alone.

OP posts:

QuirkyTurtle · 07/02/2022 08:39

7 hours!! That's insane.

I don't have much advice as I don't have experience with court arrangements but it was my understanding that the parent doing the moving would be the one sacrificing. He should absolutely speak to his lawyer about this for clarity. Why on earth would he not. Does he enjoy the drive?

Anniegetyourgun76 · 07/02/2022 08:40

If the arrangements are so bad he's losing work something needs to change. Does exw drive? Is a train an option?

Ozanj · 07/02/2022 08:42

You are being unreasonable to try and stop him travelling. But that doesn’t mean you need to be inconvenienced when he’s not around. Budget for a second car, he needs to go to court so he can sort out something more reasonable - a close to 50/50 arrangement where he takes all holidays might work better for him and the kids.

ilovemyboys3 · 07/02/2022 08:43

This would drive me insane too. The time and cost would be frustrating. He needs to be more forceful with his ex. At the end of the day, she's the one that moved 3.5 hours away.
She should at least be doing half the journey in my opinion. Your DH needs to put his foot down and insist this.
My ex and I meet half way for our son to have contact with his dad and we live 30 minutes away. I've got no problem with that and only seems fair.

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 08:43

@Anniegetyourgun76 she does drive but when we talked to her about it she said she also worked so couldn’t meet us halfway. I mean, we also work?! The train is an option but actually takes a tad longer than driving and turns out to be almost 200 quid/month! I’m not sure if subtracting that cost to the ex’s monthly child support would be an option. Again, he doesn’t seem to keen on taking to a lawyer. He says he doesn’t want to rock the boat (they had to go to court a few years back because she tried taking the kids away from him completely).

OP posts:

namechange30455 · 07/02/2022 08:44

@alittleadvicepls

Sorry, did he just not do any work on Fridays even though he was supposed to? Did he not discuss flexible working etc?

QuirkyTurtle · 07/02/2022 08:46

What arguments did she have to take his kids away completely?

Inspectorslack · 07/02/2022 08:48

If he’s not working is he currently paying maintenance?

Blendiful · 07/02/2022 08:48

3.5 hours is a long way. If ex drives, then they should really be doing half way meet, that would make it more like 1hr 45 each way which in itself is long enough. But more reasonable.

If he’s spending 7 hours driving it’s taking 7hrs out of his limited time with the kids also.

If ex moved she should be facilitating some of the travel. She can’t moan he only does every other weekend so has them more and therefore he should drive, if she was the one who moved so far away any additional time isn’t realistic!

Inspectorslack · 07/02/2022 08:48

Also. How far away did he move when they split? And how much closer or further is that from where his ex lives now?

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 08:50

@QuirkyTurtle that he didn’t exercise his full access during the pandemic and she wanted her new husband to be legal guardian.

@Inspectorslack he sure is. Another sore point between us at the moment….

OP posts:

QuirkyTurtle · 07/02/2022 08:55

Unbelievable... My patience runs thin for these toxic mothers who think they are the only one who matters. Move 7 hours away then try to take his kids away because he couldn't drive 14 hours every other weekend in the midst of a pandemic. How utterly pathetic.

I'm sorry OP. I haven't got much helpful to add but you have my sympathy. This is an awful situation for you and your baby.

cherryonthecakes · 07/02/2022 11:38

My ex moved that distance when we split. Eventually the kids started making excuses for why they wouldn't go to their dad's house so he moved closer (about 45 mins away) but I realise that this isn't an option as your kids have their lives where you are and in his case he could move but keep his job because it's between where his new and old houses were.

Iirc CMS will deduct CM when the NRP is travelling long distances to pick up the kids.

If he took this to court then his ex would be expected to do some of the driving (and near the cost of her share of the driving)

CherylPorter350 · 07/02/2022 11:42

When me and ex DH split and I moved I took into consideration his travel and only looked for houses within a 5 mile radius of where I was (we were a 20 minute drive from him initially) not for his sake but I didn't want my kids spending an unreasonable amount of time travelling etc.

My now DH ex moved to another town without telling him and he was expected to do all the driving. She also tried to stop access and a bitter court case ensued. He agreed to all drop off and pick up but informed CMS of this and it was taken into consideration when calculating his maintenance.

I think its unreasonable to expect him to do 7 hours driving and if she chose to move then she has to take some responsibility for arranging travel.

Marmm · 07/02/2022 12:50

My DH told me that when they went to mediation the mediator was getting visibly frustrated over his ex's refusal to do ANY of the travel even though she moved to the other end of the country. Wouldn't even drive them to the airport! Anyway he lives closer now but still a good few hours away and does pick up or drop off (which ever she decides she wants to do that week) and is slowly eroding the time by dropping them off really late or turning up hours early and ringing DSC1.

Marmm · 07/02/2022 12:51

I think go to court or ask CMS for an adjustment if they can do that

Dyrene · 07/02/2022 13:11

I don’t understand why he’s driving there and bringing them back EOW. That cannot be in their interests either. Surely it would make more sense for him to leave early on a Saturday morning, pick them up, stay in an AirB&B and then drive back on Sunday evening.

It doesn’t solve your issue about him basically being absent to you and your children, but without moving there seems to be no real way of avoiding that.

Lorw · 07/02/2022 13:45

So the kids sit in the car for 7 hours every weekend? How grim for them, I’m surprised they still want to come with that much driving. It’s not sustainable, but nobody can make the ex do any of the travelling, and your DH doesn’t want to go to court, so not sure what the answer is.

negomi90 · 07/02/2022 16:39

My mum moved 3h from my dad when I was a toddler. My dad did 90% of the travel (unless we were going in that direction anyway).
I had brilliant times and some of my happiest memories are in the car with my dad, or at motorway services.
Mum did 90% of the parenting, his travelling didn't come close to how much she did.
And ironically I now live next to him and go the opposite way for visits.

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 16:51

@negomi90 DH says they have a good time in the car. They chat and catch up, play games, stop for snacks. If they catch the train then they all watch a movie together. I’m just expecting the kids to turn around one day and say they don’t want to come up anymore because it’s too far (which would be fair!).

OP posts:

Original poster

alittleadvicepls · 07/02/2022 16:55

@Dyrene that would be way too expensive to keep up though. Getting an air bnb for 4 nights/month for 6 people. He doesn’t want to visit them and stay in their city without me and our kids. He wants his kids to come up and spend time with their siblings and have a ‘normal’ experience of home life.

It just feels like one side has to sacrifice something which is fine, but right now it just feels like we’re facing all the issues and the ex does nothing if that makes sense.

OP posts:

lumpofcomfort · 07/02/2022 16:57

I think it might be better to seek legal advice on this situation. Generally the onus is on the pare t who moved away to facilitate transportation, but in these circumstances the distance is so far that every other week contact doesn't seem practical. It would probably be best to sort out proper mediation.

Pinkyxx · 07/02/2022 19:40

Sounds like a horrid set up for all involved, including the children. The current arrangements aren't practical so a different contact schedule seems best, one that recognizes the distance. Longer periods in the holidays less during term time. The children can't enjoy spending hours of their weekend in the car either.. as they get older it's likely they will want a change.

mommabear2386 · 07/02/2022 20:07

She would be meeting half way, or doing one way trip or possible alternate weeks/ months for each parent or I'd be wanting him to see them less often but for longer blocks of time over holidays maybe

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