Travel arrangements for weekends

[alittleadvicepls]

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

We had this before a court order was put in place, court ruled that we had to share travel. Ex put forward that handover was done at a service station but that wasn’t deemed in the best interest of a young child so now she drops off and DH takes back to mum.

We did later find out that ex should really have been covering DH travel expenses!

Sorry, posted too soon when I was trying to edit….
I’m sure that I read that the none travelling parent should cover half of the travelling parents travel costs (it was worked out on a mileage basis). Struggling to find it online but it was on a legal site 🤷🏻‍♀️

@lumpofcomfort

I think it might be better to seek legal advice on this situation. Generally the onus is on the pare t who moved away to facilitate transportation, but in these circumstances the distance is so far that every other week contact doesn't seem practical. It would probably be best to sort out proper mediation.

This.

He needs to rock the boat before the eldest gets to 14 (though the Court does listen to kids who are younger and in secondary school) and refuses to travel eow.

It makes more sense for his job prospects and the his children's teenage years to see them less often but for longer periods of time.

It seems at the moment the father, the children and the ex are satisfied with the arrangement. The dad seemingly enjoys the alone time with his kids. He is aware of both the time demands and the demands on his budget, and yet he does not want to take any steps to legally challenge the arrangement. He knows that this schedule requires his residential children to spend 7 hrs alone with their mother for 7 his on 4 weekend days, but he also knows that his older children spend substantially more time alone with their mother than with him. So he knows that adult females can handle more than 1 child alone.

I don't see that there is any pressing need to change a schedule that seems to be acceptable to the people who are most directly involved.

OP a more immediate alternative might be for you to say to your husband that you are going to use a portion of the income that you generate from your employment to purchase a second car. A car would give you freedom and mobility and you would not be stuck home when he is on the road.

I think you might be over estimating just how bothersome that he finds the driving. You might be less bothered by his being away if you were able to be somewhat more mobile.

In any case, his children will soon want to spend more time with friends and school activities and will not relish being 3 hours away in a location where they cannot have friends over or hang out with friends. Time is on your side.

He is aware of both the time demands and the demands on his budget, and yet he does not want to take any steps to legally challenge the arrangement.

OP said he didn't want to consult a lawyer because when he has challenged her in the past she threatened to keep the kids away from him. All the more reason to seek legal advice. If the arrangement is preventing him from finding work, it is not sustainable.

@lumpofcomfort
I thought that she said that they had to go to court before because she "tried" to take the kids from him. Obviously, she is not now trying to take the kids away as she lets him drive them 3.5 hours away.

My point is that for whatever reason he is satisfied or accepting of this arrangement. If he is not objecting, what will he say In court? A court is not going to change an arrangement simply because a party with no standing finds the arrangement to be an inconvenience in her life.

It would be so much easier for the OP to get a vehicle and become independently mobile. That may solve only a portion of her problem, but a portion of a solution is more than she has now.

This man is happy to have his children securely back in his life. It is unlikely that he is going to let a few hours on the road jeopardize that which he has fought to obtain. In a while, he may grow weary of the travel but I doubt that will happen anytime soon. If he enjoys driving and is enjoying the alone time with his kids , he has no immediate need to make a change.

We used to have this situation and ex refused to meet half way; looking back I still think we maybe should have asked child maintenance to take the fuel costs into account but I know that we coudnt have forced her to meet us, even if court ordered she’d find excuses.
Our experience was that as DSD got older she didn’t want to be stuck in a car so much and be so far away from her friends when they all met up. We agreed she would visit monthly and a decent amount of holidays with her and in between if we could we would go and stay in an air bnb to see her.
It was really difficult when we then had our own DC but I knew that would be the situation when we decided to have them

It seems at the moment the father, the children and the ex are satisfied with the arrangement.

Bloody hell.

The arrangement is so cumbersome and problematic that the man has lost his job because of it. He’s trying to find a new one.

And there’s no hint he’s happy with it. His ex moved away and there was nothing he could do other than drive or not see them. No mutual agreement or system that works for everyone.

Then there’s the whole assumption that he doesn’t need to consider his wife or their children anyway. Jesus wept.

The cost of taking this to court will frankly far exceed several years (if not more) of travel costs. That’s assuming he used a solicitor and barrister in court. He could do it himself, but either way there is no guarantee it will go the way you want (and it is you, not him). If you then factor in the cost of damaged relationships, why would you bother?

We did later find out that ex should really have been covering DH travel expenses!

This is not a thing in English courts, as far as I am aware (and I have been in court over moving). It is possible to get a reduction in maintenance for travel costs calculated through the CMS but my understanding is that it is nominal rather than meeting the actual costs.

I am actually in an almost identical position to you.
My DSC live 3 hours from us, the cost of diesel is crippling us, my DP also does all of the driving, so 6-7 hours on a Friday and the same on a Sunday, as his ex doesn't drive and it was his choice to move.

At the moment between diesel to facilitate contact and maintenance payments we are down around £800-£1000 per month (around 30% of our household income) yet the ex still expects us to be the ones to organise haircuts, buy football boots etc when they're needed and to half in for any other expenses when they come up.

I have suggested that ex puts the kids on a bus in their town and we pick kids up from the bus at the other end but DP will not consider this.

The bus doesn't stop at all in between and DC are now 12 & 8. I was making the same journey as a child and started doing this around 7 or 8.

My new suggestion is that we buy a tiny car in the most fuel efficient model we can which will then be used for the drive to try and cut down the diesel bill.

WRT employment my DP is Tradesman and is self employed so he is able to take every 2nd Friday off.

During school holidays and during the lockdown when kids were home schooling we reverted to 50/50 care which we arranged to be 2 weeks at a time with each parent this brought the fuel bill down a little, although my food shopping bill more than doubled and we had to buy them a lot more clothes to have here so still no better off.

I don't know what the answer is, but just wanted to say I sympathise with you, long distance parenting is really hard.

@Dyrene
Exactly how are his younger children being in a years damaged. There is no evidence that he in any way neglects then. The fact that they spend some a!one time with their mother makes them no different than his older children and many women perhaps most,can and do manage an infant and toddler a!one at times.

Granted , it would be more convenient if the families lived nearer to each other, but such is not the case it is not that the wife's opinion does not matter. However, it is just one of the several that are to be considered in this situation. If they went to court and the court affirmed the existing arrangement would she then accept the arrangement?

Does she want only a solution on her terms? Is that what makes for a happy marriage? I just see managing a toddler and an infant alone as some particularly burdensome chore especially when you have chosen to have an infant and toddler at the same time . Both sets of children necessarily spend most of their time in the company and care of their mothers.

[quote alittleadvicepls]@Dyrene that would be way too expensive to keep up though. Getting an air bnb for 4 nights/month for 6 people. He doesn’t want to visit them and stay in their city without me and our kids. He wants his kids to come up and spend time with their siblings and have a ‘normal’ experience of home life.

It just feels like one side has to sacrifice something which is fine, but right now it just feels like we’re facing all the issues and the ex does nothing if that makes sense.[/quote]
Seeing your dad every other weekend for a day or two isn't a normal life experience.

I don't know what the answer is but it definitely won't be too long until they can't be bothered with the journey.

I also don't think I'd do the drive to facilitate Dad's very limited contact.

I agree that there is no ‘normal home life possibility here because it’s a blended family living at considerable distance.

My main observation is that (as is often the case) this is driven by what the father wants (In response to what the SC’s mother wants). It’s not actually about what’s best for the children involved in the circumstances.

Tbh, I’d be livid if my husband lost his job entirely because he skived off every second Friday to drive 7 hours. That’s stupid and irresponsible - and fundamentally affects my household. He could have applied for flexible working or gone part time (with the resulting loss of pay) but didn’t. He could have made reasonable contact arrangements but didn’t want to.

There isn’t a non-compromise outcome. And one of the parties isn’t interested in compromise anyway (and cannot be forced - especially since the husband won’t take court action, and it’s probably too late to change much as the precedent has been set for so long).

The available choices might not look great, but you need to weigh up the trade offs.

So he can decide seeing them every second weekend is the priority, but that it’s in everyone’s best interests if he gets up early on Saturday to drive there and stays overnight with them, before returning late on Sunday. It’s just unreasonable and ridiculous to expect children to do so much travelling. This means becoming a two car household and him not seeing you or your children on those weekends.

Or he could reorganise contact so that he has them vast majority of the school holidays. The 7 hours of travel time for the children is less of a concern if they’re staying for at least a week (rather than 2 nights).

Or your whole family could relocate to the city the SC live in. That’s a huge upheaval for you all, but it’s really the only way to make EOW contact viable. In fact, he could then try to have 50-50 contact with the SC.

The thing to have done would have been to prevent the move away in the first place and get a legally binding contact agreement through the courts. He didn’t do that. So he needs to live with the consequences and find a way of balancing it for his whole family.

What contact do you have over school holidays? Could your DH perhaps change contact to every 3 weeks and have more in the holidays?

I agree the trip should be split halfway or the ex do one trip and him the other.

@Inspectorslack

Also. How far away did he move when they split? And how much closer or further is that from where his ex lives now?

The ex wife moved I think.

He's only being a parent 4 days a month. She's already picking up his slack.

Get an air b and b and it will half the driving if he stops over.

Something to consider as a longer-term solution - if your kids with DH are much younger (toddler and a baby) and he's job-hunting at the moment, would you consider moving closer to Town B?

Obviously you have your ties to where you live (and those may be considerable eg family, etc.) it would solve a lot of the problems if you lived 1 hour away from B not 3. And better to make a move now while your kids are little and not in school.

Obviously there's no reason you should move, and I think your DH would be better of speaking to a lawyer about sharing costs/travel with his ExW but you would find life as a blended family much easier if you were closer together geographically.

Those saying the ex should do half the travel, or pay for it.. Why is it only in this scenario that 50/50 costs are deemed reasonable but not when it comes to paying 50% of all costs related to the child? I would happily pay 50% of my exes travel costs if in return the maintenance actually came close to half of what our children cost me. I do 99% of all the parenting, yet by the logic on here, I should also do 50%of his 1%. Its not as simple as 'who moved'.. Who ended the marriage, how much contact did the nrp seek when distance wasn't a factor, how much family support could the RP access without moving, could they be financially stable and not reliant on maintenance (as we are frequently told to be) if they don't move. All these are relevant questions as to the fairness of it all. OP, if all but you are happy with the status quo then I think you have to look for other solutions, like a small car for yourself. You and your kids get your husbands time and presence 26 dad a month, try not to begrudge his kids their few hours.

She moved away so should bear some of the increased cost - even if it's via CMS who can deduct money for travel.

cherry you've not answered any of the points I raised as to why someone might move. How about this as an analogy. An NRP leaves a marriage to be with OW and chooses eow contact only. Pays cms only. RP has to pay not only day to day childcare so they can work but also has to pay a babysitter anytime they need to do something in the evening (eg work a parents evening as a teacher). That cost has been incurred because the ex chose to leave and there's no second adult at home. Should the ex be handed a bill for half the babysitting cost? The nrp in the OPs case isn't seeing his kids any less than before his ex moved by the sound of it, she hasn't taken them away from him seeing them less often but she's doing basically all the parenting.. He can experience a little bit if the hard graft of being a parent another way.

I think a lot of NRPs don’t choose EOW contact; they end up with it because the mother claims ‘primary care’, the available assets are divided to prioritise her housing the children, and he just has to fit in.

If we’re going to speculate on all the circumstances that ‘forced’ a the mother to move 3.5 hours away and attribute it mostly to her ex’s failure to step up, we should maybe equally consider all the circumstances that disadvantage fathers too.

Your also, of course, assuming that the NRP had an affair and left for the OW. Which is telling.

A poster up thread suggested he has all holidays instead. That would be so unfair on the children to not have any holiday time with their mother. Not sure if the cost of petrol really comes into it either as the resident parent will be paying far greater costs bringing up the children even if he is paying the CMS minimum amount.

I'm not assuming anything. I was outlining the circumstances that led to my situation. However, the op doesn't say that her husband's contact went down as a result of the move, which I would have thought would be a pretty big point to make in favour of the ex doing more were it the case. If he was already doing pretty minimal contact the move becomes less problematic. And I completely disagree about most nrps not wanting only eow..its certain the case in almost every split family I know, But each of us can only speak from our own experiences and anecdata on that.

Just because that’s the norm doesn’t mean it’s what men want. In fact, the more it becomes the standard pattern, the more that’s all people think they should have.

There are lots of RPs who purposefully choose to restrict contact to maximise CM.

In other cases, the parents are thinking about their children’s best interests. People decide that it’s best if the children have one main home that is their base for school and then share weekends and holidays between their parents - perhaps with dinner after school once or twice a week.

I’m an RP but I don’t agree with the whole martyred mother while he swans off and does what he likes narrative is generally fair.