Travel arrangements for weekends

[alittleadvicepls]

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

There are lots of RPs who purposefully choose to restrict contact to maximise CM

There are equally lots of NRPs who purposefully choose to demand 50/50 whilst making zero adjustements to their working pattern leaving the child in the care of family and friends to minimise or eradicate the need to pay CM altogether.

Although we rarely hear about that, do we? It's all about the money grabbing bitches!

@Sowhatifiam

There are lots of RPs who purposefully choose to restrict contact to maximise CM

There are equally lots of NRPs who purposefully choose to demand 50/50 whilst making zero adjustements to their working pattern leaving the child in the care of family and friends to minimise or eradicate the need to pay CM altogether.

Although we rarely hear about that, do we? It's all about the money grabbing bitches!

No. I think we hear a great deal about the shitness of NRPs. On this board, often from the woman he’s trying to dump his kids on.

At the moment between diesel to facilitate contact and maintenance payments we are down around £800-£1000 per month (around 30% of our household income) yet the ex still expects us to be the ones to organise haircuts, buy football boots etc when they're needed and to half in for any other expenses when they come up.

You are not bloody down 30% of your monthly income - these kids are part of your household budget. He chose to move away and he knew his EX did not drive.

I hate that attitude - they are not stealing from your home - they are part of that home but a he dumped most child care on their mother it costs him to cover his share of child care.

Did you actually read what the OP said? Her husband’s ex moved. Without his consent.

@MrsBellamy

I am actually in an almost identical position to you. My DSC live 3 hours from us, the cost of diesel is crippling us, my DP also does all of the driving, so 6-7 hours on a Friday and the same on a Sunday, as his ex doesn't drive and it was his choice to move.

At the moment between diesel to facilitate contact and maintenance payments we are down around £800-£1000 per month (around 30% of our household income) yet the ex still expects us to be the ones to organise haircuts, buy football boots etc when they're needed and to half in for any other expenses when they come up.

I have suggested that ex puts the kids on a bus in their town and we pick kids up from the bus at the other end but DP will not consider this.

The bus doesn't stop at all in between and DC are now 12 & 8. I was making the same journey as a child and started doing this around 7 or 8.

My new suggestion is that we buy a tiny car in the most fuel efficient model we can which will then be used for the drive to try and cut down the diesel bill.

WRT employment my DP is Tradesman and is self employed so he is able to take every 2nd Friday off.

During school holidays and during the lockdown when kids were home schooling we reverted to 50/50 care which we arranged to be 2 weeks at a time with each parent this brought the fuel bill down a little, although my food shopping bill more than doubled and we had to buy them a lot more clothes to have here so still no better off.

I don't know what the answer is, but just wanted to say I sympathise with you, long distance parenting is really hard.

Are you for real?! Your partner chose to move away miles from his children and you are here bitching about the cost of him travelling back to see them?! And about him paying towards their upbringing? You’re ‘down’ £1k a month because guess what, kids cost money! And your partner chose to move away and incur the extra travel costs! And you are agog at the audacity of the children’s mother for expecting their dad to do some parenting?! So your solution is put an 8 year old unattended on a bus to travel cross country. I have no words. Utterly, utterly disgusting.

dyrene my ex exactly 'swanned off to do what he liked' and left me to pick up the pieces. It really doesn't matter what is 'generally true' does it? It's what true in each case. My ex does fuck all parenting and his 'to the penny and no more' cms doesn't touch the sides of the costs. But this is derailing the op. In the end, in her case, the parents of the kids are OK with the set up, so that's the end of it for now until the kids express a view.

Hmm.

When my DD was 3, I moved 150 miles from her dad, and he then tried to insist that I should do 50% of the travelling for her monthly visits to him.

I refused.

Because we'd spent 2 years living less than a mile away from him, and do you know how many times he'd had her overnight in those 2 years? Fucking zero, that's how many. He had refused to commit to any of my suggested contact schedules - and I'd suggested 50/50, every weekend, every other weekend, one weekend a month, one week a month... You name it, I'd suggested it. I was stuck with 100% of the care for a toddler, in a rural area with 3 buses a day, dependent entirely on benefits (because obviously he paid no maintenance), 150 miles from my family.

So... I moved. I gave him a years notice. I said if he stepped up over that year then I would reconsider the move. He did not step up.

I made the move to a house in the same town as my parents and within 6 weeks I was enrolled back in education, working part time, with my parents helping me with nursery pick ups 3 days a week and having my child 1 night a fortnight so I could get some rest. I had to do it for my sanity and to give us the chance of a life where I could work and get a break and maybe even meet someone new.

And no, I wasn't about to start doing 50% of the transport to take her to see her dad, who did sweet fuck all and paid us sweet fuck all. His sole contribution was to get his mum to drive him to pick her up and drop her off once a month, and I was fucked if I was doing any of that for him!

My ex, 15 years later, still bangs on to anyone who will listen about how I "took his kid away". Twat.

Thank you puns.. That's exactly what I mean about its not as simple as 'who moved'. Glad you were able to make a positive change.

Did you actually read what the OP said? Her husband’s ex moved. Without his consent

Consent? You need the consent of your ex to move?

I get that moving is a contentious issue where children are involved - I went through court with it with my ex myself - but no adult needs the consent of another adult before they are able to make their own life choices.

@Sowhatifiam

Did you actually read what the OP said? Her husband’s ex moved. Without his consent

Consent? You need the consent of your ex to move?

I get that moving is a contentious issue where children are involved - I went through court with it with my ex myself - but no adult needs the consent of another adult before they are able to make their own life choices.

Of course they do, if their choice is taking the children away from their other parent

That’s why it’s a risk having kids with someone in a location other than your ‘home’.

Have you read the thread on here where a woman is stuck in NZ because her relationship with a Kiwi broke down and their kids are now resident there so she can’t leave with them?

@TrufflesAndToast
In the original post, the OP said that the mom moved the kids to town B because she got a job there. Most divorced mom need to and should work. If the best or perhaps the only job opportunity involves relocating, then the mom may have no choice.

In this situation, you have a mom who moved GB because of a job, a dad who is not adverse to traveling to maintain contact with his children, and the dad's wife who objects to money going to his travel rather than her household and her having to be solely responsible for her kids during his travel time.

Consent? You need the consent of your ex to move?

She can move anywhere. But he can challenge her taking the children. He does get a say in that.

I get that you're venting, the situation sounds shit BUT if your partner doesn't want to change anything, it's pretty much done?
It sounds like he doesn't want to challenge her and is happy enough with the arrangement. I would hate that much driving and time in the car but if he won't talk to a lawyer or his ex about it, what can you do?!

Its not 14 hours of driving every Friday and Saturday though is it OP.

Its every other weekend. So one weekend he is all yours, the next he is fetching his kids.

The fear of losing his kids after hat she has already done, if he is happy to do it, leave him be. Also why will he stop picking his kids up at 18? They don't suddenly stop being your kids when they turn 18.

My dad used to get two one hour busses to pick me up when my mum moved away every other weekend. I didnt care I was spending two hours on the bus with my dad, I was just happy to see him. My dad did it because he wanted to see me.

@Dyrene
The mom only needed his consent to relocate with the children if that provisions were included in the court ordered custody agreement. Absent that stipulation, the husband would have to petition the court for a ruling..

In this case,it does not appear that the husband is willing or desirous of challenging his ex. It is his spouse who is dissatisfied with the current situation ,and while she may be unhappy, she has no legal standing to object to the situation.

Several people have offered what might be perfectly reasonable actions to mitigate the situation but the OP has not responded to any of those suggestions. It is possible that the OP is not interested in mitigating her situation but only interested in a solution which she alone gets to dictate. At the moment, it seems that both the mom and dad of the older children are satisfied with the existing situation . The OP has the absolute right to refuse to participate in the travel or transportation process , and she would be wise to purchase her own vehicle in order to ensure herself the freedom of mobility when she needs or wants to be out and about.

Of course they do, if their choice is taking the children away from their other parent

Why would you assume there is always a choice? I had to move, it was the only way I was going to be able to manage long term as a single parent of 3. I needed to put a roof over our heads at a price I could afford and then pay for all on-going costs. I needed family support to be able to work without deferring back to an ex who did everything possible to make life difficult. There was no choice in that matter. Thankfully, a judge saw it the same way. And nor was I ordered to do any travelling whatsoever. The idea I had a choice in any of that is laughable. I certainly didn't need the consent of my ex to do what was best for our children.

OP can I ask what you mean by not exercising his parental rights during lockdown?

If your DH doesn’t want to rock the boat, then you’re just going to have to accept it.

I think it’s incredibly unfair when one parent moves away from the other for whatever reason and then refuses to facilitate the contact, but the reality is that the children’s mother does far more for them than their father does, even if he does have a long journey to see them EOW.

This seems to have been an arrangement that has been in place since before you had children, so I don’t think you can expect to change it now. Your family clearly needs two cars for these weekends though.

@Lockedoorsopen

OP can I ask what you mean by not exercising his parental rights during lockdown?

Presumably she means that he decided not to see his older kids during lockdown in order to avoid any risk of bringing covid into the house when he had a toddler and a pregnant partner.

I'm making no comment on whether I think that's reasonable or not but I think it's fairly obvious that's what she means!

@Lockedoorsopen I mean he didn’t use his every second weekend access. There was the ‘can’t go further than 10km away from your house’ rule and we didn’t have a car for a few months.

For those of you saying DH is happy with the arrangement, he’s not really. He does hate the travelling but has no choice at the moment.

Relocating is also not an option. DH, ex, her new husband and me all have careers in our respective cities.

I like the idea of seeing the kids less during the month and have more time over the holidays. At the moment we only have them for 2 weeks over the summer (ridiculous but ex wouldn’t agree to any more).

We’ve spoken and he’ll go see a lawyer once he finds a new job.

@Tattler2 has it occurred to you that you don’t actually know what the system is in England?

@Dyrene
I am beginning to think that there may be major differences. In this country, laws can and often do vary from state to state. So there are some differences from state to state.

I'm in the UK..I remember feeling it was incredibly unfair when my ex moved miles away to cohabit with his new partner leaving me with no choice but to rear our infant essentially alone. There was no recourse in the law for that... he was free to move wherever he so wished regardless of whether it meant he could never be anything more than an weekend Father. It also felt unfair when he demanded the courts allocate 50% of the travel for his eow to me. The courts felt he should do it all and the order states as much.

Since he was free to move wherever he wanted to without consulting me, I really can't see why I would need to consider his contact if I ever needed or wished to move. He certainly didn't consider the impact of his choices on our child, or my life, when he made his decision. The law can't hold different parties to different standards..

You like the idea of seeing the kids less during the month. He only sees them EOW. How much less can there be?

So you want their mum to do all the parenting basically and you get the good bits of the holidays.

Its women like you that perpetuate the stepmother stereotypes.

@Willyoujustbequiet

You like the idea of seeing the kids less during the month. He only sees them EOW. How much less can there be?

So you want their mum to do all the parenting basically and you get the good bits of the holidays.

Its women like you that perpetuate the stepmother stereotypes.

Seriously, this is the level of empathy shown to a woman left alone with a 2 week old and a vomiting toddler because her husband has ridiculous contact arrangements with children whose mother moved 3.5 hours away (and has a history of withholding contact: they had to go to court a few years back because she tried taking the kids away from him completely).

These arrangements are so ridiculous that they’ve caused him to lose his job (He also used to get in trouble with his old job about not being present enough on Fridays. He couldn’t take meetings because he’d be driving. They’ve since let him go and he’s looking for a new job).