Travel arrangements for weekends

[alittleadvicepls]

I think I just need a little bit of sense talked into me please!

DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. They live 3.5 hours drive away from us. DH has always lived this far from them, even before I met him. Him and his ex moved to this town and she decided to move to town B over 5 years ago because she got a job there.

Ex has primary custody and DH exercises access every second weekend. As such, he’s apparently the one who needs to travel back and forth to pick up/drop off the kids. That’s 7 hours of driving in one day.

It’s been a few years now of this shit travel arrangements and I’m losing it. I hate that he drives for 7 hours on Fridays and another 7 hours on Sundays. It’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s 7 hours on both days where I don’t have a car and home alone with our 2 kids.

I keep insisting he speaks to his lawyer about a more sustainable arrangement but he keeps saying there’s no point because apparently that’s just the way it is.

Am I wrong in thinking this is unsustainable in the longer term? Surely he can’t keep driving 14 hours every second weekend for the next 7 years until his eldest is 18? The ex works in town B and we also have our lives in town A. No one can just relocate. It’s not only the driving but the costs associated with it too. Petrol ain’t cheap. He’ll sometimes catch the train to pick them up but that turns out to be more expensive than petrol.

Sorry this turned into an essay but it’s all come to a head yesterday when I had a vomiting toddler and an unsettled 2 week old to juggle by myself. If I tell him how I honestly feel I’ll be labelled like the evil stepmom who’s trying to keep him and his kids apart. All I want is for the ex to facilitate access a bit.

I’m being totally crazy and unreasonable aren’t I 😔

@Willyoujustbequiet this new arrangement would also work in the kids favour? Do you think they enjoy driving for so long every second weekend? No one enjoys it. They’re also getting older and want to spend the weekends with their friends or at sleepovers. They’ve been annoyed at us more than once for making them miss birthday parties and such. And they certainly don’t enjoy missing out on our summer trips because we only have them for such a short period of time.

And what about empathy for the mother who is raising his other children alone?

Or empathy for the children who don't get a proper relationship with their father and only see him 4 days a months and yet their stepmother wants to reduce this even further?

There is nothing stopping him getting an air b n b and it halves the driving but no that's not good enough is it?

The double standard beggars belief

@Willyoujustbequiet will you help us pay for the air bnb then? Because neither of us are working atm. Yet he pays her 400 quid over what the court requested for child support because he’s aware it’s expensive for his ex to have the kids. And where did you get that she was raising them alone? She’s remarried and has other kids with her new partner? And how is it all my fault? She moved away knowing this would damage the relationship the kids have with their dad yet when he asks to have them over long weekends she says no. So if I’m evil, then she’s not far behind.

@Willyoujustbequiet

And what about empathy for the mother who is raising his other children alone?

Or empathy for the children who don't get a proper relationship with their father and only see him 4 days a months and yet their stepmother wants to reduce this even further?

There is nothing stopping him getting an air b n b and it halves the driving but no that's not good enough is it?

The double standard beggars belief

You didn’t read the thread, did you?

The mother chose to move. Knowing she’d be a single mother doing it alone. There’s a whole making your bed and lying in it thing there.

And I suggested an air B&B earlier.

This is the step parenting board, but apparently only the SC and their mother are deserving of empathy.

Seriously, this is the level of empathy shown to a woman left alone with a 2 week old and a vomiting toddler

For millions of single mothers this is the reality of their life every day, not just weekends... it certainly was for me.

If the mother needed to move to keep earning money I don't blame her for moving. If Op's DP objected at the time he ought to have applied to court to prevent the move or to change contact. He didn't and this was the status quo when OP met her DP. Nothing on this thread suggests the Father saw his children anymore than oew when they lived in the same town and it would have been possible for him to be a more hands on Father so perhaps he was quite happy with his limited contact. OPs DP could have requested flexible work or scheduled his meetings differently to safeguard his employment. He could have suggested more holiday contact instead of weekends.

Seems odd he did neither... but somehow this the Mother's fault? It's not her responsibility to manage OP's DP's life - it is his.

The OP isn’t a single mother.

I’ve been a single mother who had to move much more than 3.5 hours away for work. One of the consequences of doing so was being a single mother doing it on my own. I had to weigh up the trade offs and then accept the circumstances I’d chosen. One consequence was that I didn’t get the holidays. I got all the crap bits. But that was the best thing for DS in the circumstances.

TBH he needs to cut back on paying the extra maintenance and yes to change contact to more in the holidays and one weekend during the half day so it's more like every 3 weeks.

Means the DSC can have weekends hobbies.

For the the weekends perhaps he should could stay over for one night so drive up Saturday see them for the day overnight see them Sunday morning then drive back.

He missed the boat by not forcing sharing them travel when his ex moved them so far away.

Also you are using the ‘you knew what you were getting in to argument’ to tell a stepmother that she doesn’t deserve empathy and it should all be reserved for the exW.

I have said on here repeatedly that the H has to sort himself out. I would be beyond livid at him losing a job because he wouldn’t sort out a sensible contact arrangement.

He knew he was having other children. But he’s busy not rocking the boat and insisting everything revolves around his image of ‘family life’. He’s in the wrong. He should have taken action to try to prevent the children moving in the first place. He should have arranged a contact arrangement that made any sense. He didn’t.

But I still don’t feel like the ExW is a victim here. She made her choices and now refuses to help her children see their father by facilitating some of the travelling. Neither parent is really acting in the children’s interests. They’re acting in their own.

We have no idea why she opted to move so far away and I doubt if the op herself will ever know the truth of what drove her. This could be quite significant in knowing what led her husband to a) not dispute the move b) to have agreed and always made the journey c) to still pay in excess of the child maintenance on top of the travel costs

I don't think that the op's personal situation changes are relevant per se. Ultimately, as per what it said on the box, she knew this was the situation before embarking on children. So as hard as juggling ill children is that's what she signed up for within the restrictions that having contact with the sc has.

I don't think that it's unreasonable to deduct the travel costs using the same costing that the CMS use - the Advisory Fuel Rates for each trip that is IEO £10. So each weekend would start with the assumption that the first £20 would be his to take and then he could deduct the Advisory Fuel Rate per mile (these are a lot lower than the usual mileage expenses used for work) and deduct from the maintenance paid. Whether he wished to reduce to the cms rates altogether is his moral choice to make.

I don't think that any change in the status quo. This should be solely driven by either the sc or the father imo.

Poor OP! You new what you were going yourself into is a load of rubbish ignore those comments !

Negative comments towards step parents on this platform is a joke!

It's simple

DH AND EX need to meet half way at drop off and picks up

Or

Ex brings the children all the way on Fridays and come back for the children on Sunday and then DH does the same on the next contact

Or

Ex brings the children down on a Friday and DH takes the children back on Sundays or visa versa

Op it's not your fault ! Ex moved away not your DH!

Fact of the matter is your DH has a family with you and needs to put your needs and your children he's had with you as equal to his other children. It's not for you to be left with your kids while he runs around after the older ones while his ex NEVER bothers to drop or pick up the children ! It's actually disgusting the ex can't be bothered to do what's best for her children.

Surely his ex doesn't want your DH driving two kids shattered all the time ! She is not doing what's best for the children that was evident when she moved away from their father and even more so that she would rather your DH drive with the two kids a 7 hour round trip on a Friday and be tired and risk an accident than just doing what's best for the children and deliver them herself!

Really feel sorry for you OP !

@whysoserious123

Poor OP! You new what you were going yourself into is a load of rubbish ignore those comments !

Negative comments towards step parents on this platform is a joke!

It's simple

DH AND EX need to meet half way at drop off and picks up

Or

Ex brings the children all the way on Fridays and come back for the children on Sunday and then DH does the same on the next contact

Or

Ex brings the children down on a Friday and DH takes the children back on Sundays or visa versa

Op it's not your fault ! Ex moved away not your DH!

Fact of the matter is your DH has a family with you and needs to put your needs and your children he's had with you as equal to his other children. It's not for you to be left with your kids while he runs around after the older ones while his ex NEVER bothers to drop or pick up the children ! It's actually disgusting the ex can't be bothered to do what's best for her children.

Surely his ex doesn't want your DH driving two kids shattered all the time ! She is not doing what's best for the children that was evident when she moved away from their father and even more so that she would rather your DH drive with the two kids a 7 hour round trip on a Friday and be tired and risk an accident than just doing what's best for the children and deliver them herself!

Really feel sorry for you OP !

Fact of the matter is the families are NOT equal. The children that he left with his ex, get only the wishes of the adults. They get forced into a 7 hour round trip because the new partner doesn't wish to look after her own children alone and father believes that the children should have to be in their home, in some false one big happy family setup. Options for cheap accommodation more locally to the children and which would allow them to have attended birthday parties etc are dismissed and their best interests not even considered. And cited as needs for 6,when actually there are only needs for 3,because shock horror sm could actually function as a parent without them! And actually these children could get quality time with their father without the other children who get dad 247 minus 7 hours travel fortnightly.

The ex has no responsibility for making the sm's life any better. She should only have concerns about her children and tbh that would be about less travel, staying locally even just every other visit. I also don't think that they should have to be pulled out of their home town to suit the op for longer holidays instead either. How unfair to the children whom have a home and social life elsewhere.

The children's best interests is what's important here. Not the dad, the half siblings or the sm.

Exactly how difficult is it to handle a fussy infant and a sick toddler? If this occurred on the dad's workday, would the wife say to the husband that you can't go to work today because Susie is fussy and Johnny vomited, and this is just too much for me to handle,?

I would bet that many and maybe even most moms have handled a fussy baby and a sick child or even sick children on multiple occasions and have not found that to be an earth shaking or monumental experience. Whatever the financial situation the dad seems to be handling the costs.

Perhaps between unemployment income and savings, he is able to be fiscally responsible.
This is obviously not an ideal situation, but it is one that he seems to be managing. Can anyone say with certainty that if the dad petitions the court that the mom would be ordered to participate in the transportation effort or cost? Is the dad willing to have fewer opportunities for time with his kids? That could also be a possible outcome if he petitions the Court.

Sometimes, adults just have to deal with the messy or incredibly inconvenient outcomes of the life choices that they make. Often it is the children who though not a part of the decision making process are.most impacted by the outcomes resulting from these decisions.

It is always the voiceless and choiceless who are the victims.

@ChoiceMummy

Didn't realise you thought i was talking to you

That's fine then, ex wife can move back as she's the one who moved away and she can stop leaving all the dropping off and picking up to the dad.

[quote whysoserious123]@ChoiceMummy

Didn't realise you thought i was talking to you

That's fine then, ex wife can move back as she's the one who moved away and she can stop leaving all the dropping off and picking up to the dad. [/quote]
Why, after 5 years, is she suddenly going to do that facilitate their contact?

As I said, noone knows why she moved 3.5 hours away, but often its down to abuse. Now obviously the new partners in these scenarios will have been given other reasons. But perhaps it is not beyond your realms of empathy to think there's a reason that this ex moved and why the father realised he'd have to do the travel. He chose not to object to the move via the courts, which he'd have most likely won or would have got an order where she's liable for half the travel if not.

@ChoiceMummy

She should of facilitated contacts from day 1

Maybe he didn't object because he was devastated they broke up and didn't have the strength to , maybe moving to where they did was a better area for the children maybe he knew she would make things difficult if he did object and so at each contact she would lie and say the children are unwell etc - you don't know, I don't know but fact is she is just as responsible for the driving and picking up of the kids as the dad is, especially when it's a 7 hour round trip

[quote whysoserious123]@ChoiceMummy

She should of facilitated contacts from day 1

Maybe he didn't object because he was devastated they broke up and didn't have the strength to , maybe moving to where they did was a better area for the children maybe he knew she would make things difficult if he did object and so at each contact she would lie and say the children are unwell etc - you don't know, I don't know but fact is she is just as responsible for the driving and picking up of the kids as the dad is, especially when it's a 7 hour round trip [/quote]
Or maybe she was abused physically, emotionally, financially by him and needed the distance for her and the children's safety.

Rarely, does a woman not accept they have to do half of the travel for such long distances if they moved if there wasn't any abuse!

C@ChoiceMummy

If abuse is the case then the mother isn't do what is best for the children in that circumstance either ! If anything the children should be having supervised visits or none at all and certainly not being allowed to stay 3.5 hours away unsupervised!

Just realised your looking for an argument on another thread, enough said hey !

@ChoiceMummy

If abuse is the case then the mother isn't doing what is best for the children in that circumstance either ! If anything the children should be having supervised visits or none at all and certainly not being allowed to stay 3.5 hours away unsupervised!

Just realised your looking for an argument on another thread, enough said hey !

Or maybe she was abused physically, emotionally, financially by him and needed the distance for her and the children's safety. @ChoiceMummy

You could join the Olympics with the amount of mental gymnastics you are performing.

Shitty of his ex to not bother transporting the kids.

What plans did he make when choosing to make two more kids with you? Did he just expect you to parent his two new kids for him while he’s away driving?

@NowEvenBetter
Do men with SAHMs expect them to parent their kids while they work and 8 hr day? How is the OP having her kids for 7 hrs.
I never understand any parent feeling put upon because they have to manage their on kids. I think that most (certainly not all) people have children expecting and anticipating being 24/7 parents. I don't think they create lives with the idea of her time and my time. I the that responsible people expect all of the time to be their time and her saddened when that turns out not to be the case. I don't think they ever feel burdened when their children are in their care. Can you imagine preparing for the birth of your child or holding him for the first time and thinking "which weekends will be mine or are we going to do 50/50 or perhaps, if he is fussy I shouldn't have to be responsible for his slightly older brother?"

Some complaints defy logic and rational thought.

Dunno, it all sounds massively tedious, not a life I’d choose.

It's just all excuses to justify a lack of parenting from the father and an attempt to reduce contact even further. Shameful.

[quote whysoserious123]@ChoiceMummy

If abuse is the case then the mother isn't doing what is best for the children in that circumstance either ! If anything the children should be having supervised visits or none at all and certainly not being allowed to stay 3.5 hours away unsupervised!

Just realised your looking for an argument on another thread, enough said hey ![/quote]
Financial, emotional or even physical a use to the partner does not, on the whole, lead to longterm supervised contact, frequently it never meets the threshold level to have any sort of reduced or supervised contact for the children if they weren't directly involved!

So, yes, she could have moved 3.5 hours away to escape him, accepting that the children would have contact and that he has to do the leg work.

@ChoiceMummy

' emotional or even physical ' abuse and the mother is allowing contact that's shocking!

You say the father should have protest about her moving 3.5 hours away and cause he didn't that means he's an abuser. Well if he's an abuser then why didn't she protest so he could only have supervised visits or none at all.

But as previously said you don't know and I don't know and we are only getting one side of the story here .

But bottom line is the mother is just as responsible for ensuring the children are dropped off and picked up for scheduled contacts and the face that the father has done it solely for 5 years means it's more than time for the mother to get a grip and drop and or pick up her own children.