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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Ozanj · 06/10/2021 21:02

With all due respect you are not his mum. He has a mum and a family on that side - the fact that your family is even giving him presents is really generous in my opinion.

MarcelineMissouri · 06/10/2021 21:09

Well to be blunt it’s not the same. You can feel however you want about him but you can’t force your family to do so. They are kind and they buy him gifts. Be happy about that.

00100001 · 06/10/2021 21:10

It's not the same though,is it?

00100001 · 06/10/2021 21:11

Unless you're going to drop feed that his mum is dead, and he loves with you full time and has little to no contact with his mother's family...

But even then, he has his Dad's family to buy him the high value items etc.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:14

With all due respect just because he has a mum and a family on that side does not invalidate our family and love for him. Excuse me for wishing that our children are treated the same. I forgot Mumsnet is very anti stepmums🙄

OP posts:

Jalapinot · 06/10/2021 21:15

Not the same. My nephew did this. Got with a woman who had three of her own already in the august, come December kicked up a massive stink that all 3 of her kids should get the same as the other kids in the extended family when some of us hadn't even met them! They went on to have a baby of their own, kicked up a further stink when the overall amount given to each was reduced.
I think you can't really dictate. Your stepson will end up with more because he has his mother's family buying too.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 21:18

I think your approach is lovely. My step mom has always been a huge part of my life and I was, and still am, very fortunate that her parents treated me the same as her biological children and treat my children the same as their biological great grandchildren.

Tell your family what you've written here. That SS is a part of your family too and you'd appreciate if he could be treated as an equal.

Ozanj · 06/10/2021 21:20

@peonyrose87

Your DS has a Mum and Dad who love him and their families are buying for him. They don’t need you and actually I think you are shoring up feelings of inadequacy by trying to force such a huge ineqality. The priority for your family’s love attention and money should be your DC.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 06/10/2021 21:20

It's a difficult one, I come from a family where stepchildren are treated exactly the same as other children, so I see your point. And I hope if anything happened between me and dh, that any bonus family that we get would treat ds the same. So I'm all for what you want.
However, it isn't the same because there is a whole other family to buy presents for the child, are your dhs exs family going to treat your stepchild half sibling how you want your family to treat your stepchild?

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:28

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese my child isn't involved in my DH's ex's lives so no of course they won't be doing anything for her. My stepson is involved in all aspects of our lives as we have him 50/50. Not even a comparison.

OP posts:

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:30

@girlmom21 thank you. I have stepparents too and was always treated equally, so I feel the same as you do. Going by the rest of the replies on here that is the wrong way to feel and I'm sure my family don't see it that way either. What a sad world.

OP posts:

PennyWus · 06/10/2021 21:39

Baby's first Christmas does often make family go a bit nuts. Unless your stepson is old enough to really notice the difference in gifting, this year I wouldnt make a big deal out of the gifting side. But I would make sure family knows youd like them to treat the kids the same, as far as they can. I suppose family are thinking that as step family they don't want to muscle in, as there is dad's family and mums family to buy the boy things already.

Perhaps if anything I'd be inclined for stepson to get a slightly higher value present from dad and you, or from Santa if he's still that age. I only got my baby a few tiny things for first Christmas as the baby doesnt have a clue what is going on, so really it is just for everyone else.

Also make sure that Baby gives Step brother a really nice gift. I used to make my young baby pick between two things in a shop, waiting for baby to smile or point,
so then i could truthfully tell older child that is what baby picked out.

I'd also just say some of my best, most memorable Christmas gifts as a child didnt cost much. Getting the right gift is usually more important than the price tag.

Justbecause88 · 06/10/2021 21:41

I have been in my DSS's lives for 5.5 years, have a toddler and am pregnant again. My family do not buy for DSS, it's never even come up and I don't feel like they should. It's lovely that your family want to buy something but I think it's unfair to expect the same spent on them. DSS has a whole other family he will be getting presents from. I actually think it's more unfair on your DS as he gets older as well.

MintJulia · 06/10/2021 21:42

OP, be careful that you don't offend your dss' family by trying to outdo them.

It's nice that you want him to have a good Christmas but you are sailing dangerously close to upsetting people. Even if it is unintentional.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:46

@MintJulia I said nothing about outdoing them?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 06/10/2021 21:48

And I said you should consider it even as being unintended.....!

Bigeggsinapackoften · 06/10/2021 21:50

As others have said. It’s just not the same.

RestingPandaFace · 06/10/2021 21:51

If ever there was a thread that proved that step mums can’t do anything right….

It’s lovely that you want to treat them the same, especially if that was your experience.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:54

Honestly, what a shit person I am for not wanting my SS to feel he's getting left out of things. I haven't mentioned anything to my family yet, I was just wondering what other people did in these situations. Clearly no one else accepts stepchildren the way we do

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 21:56

I’m not anti step mum. I have one. I have one.

You can’t dictate what anyone buys any of the children in your family. If you’d like them to spend less on the baby that’s fine but you can’t stop them if they want to splash out, all you can do is not give him stuff you don’t want him to have.

Your parents are a bonus to your step son, they won’t feel the same about him as they do your own baby. They’ve known your baby since birth and had all the excitement of your pregnancy. Your step son was presented to them as part and parcel of your husband. They know he has another family, another set of grandparents. They know if you and your husband split up they’d probably never see him again.

The way you feel in understandable and sweet but you could try and imagine how they feel and that it’s different. It’s not sad that people see or feel a child and a step child hold different places in their lives and relationships.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 21:56

@RestingPandaFace right?

OP posts:

NorthernDramaLlama · 06/10/2021 21:58

We kept Christmas morning separate for this reason. My DC had presents from their family. His DC had gifts from his family. Any one who came to Christmas Dinner gave presents of equal value to each child, but there might have been extra on either side in the morning. Hope this makes sense. We broke up eventually, but not over this!

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 21:59

Clearly no one else accepts stepchildren the way we do

That’s just silly. You’re not the only good step mum in the world. No need to be dramatic.

You accepting your step son is nothing to do with how much other people spend. It’s their money, not up to you to decide how it’s spent in order to prove your step mum credentials.

Cherry4weans · 06/10/2021 22:00

Sorry you got flamed. My exes family always gave a minding gift for my child with new partner and I think it's lovely that you want to treat them equally. As long as you don't continuously 'outshine' mum or step on toes then you are doing great. It's up to your family but definitely state your case for evening up the budget if that's how you feel.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 06/10/2021 22:01

So suppose my son married a woman who had existing children.

I’d get them presents and welcome them but they’d have their mums side of the family to buy for them. And if my son and the kids mum split up - I’d never see those kids again.

That makes it different

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