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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

OP posts:
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aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 21:24

@Southernbellenot

You mean the kids know their place *@aSofaNearYou*..
Do I?
aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 21:26

Each to their own. Just think it’s a bit shitty for adults to favour one child in a family (which sc is) over another. The child’s not responsible for the family dynamic.

The grandparents aren't responsible for it either. The point is, the children don't have to be uncomfortable with the dynamic. It isn't a sad thing. They just have different family, they will be aware of that as they have a whole other side of their family. With that in mind, far better not to pressure anyone into a connection they don't have.

Lorw · 07/10/2021 22:58

You could always ask them to not buy any gifts for the children at Christmas and have some kind of experience with them both instead? (Zoo, theme park etc)

Magda72 · 08/10/2021 00:07

@peonyrose87 I haven't read through but I can give you the opposite side.
My dc have their gps - their dads parents. Then they have their sms parents who are gps to my dcs half siblings.
Their gps treat all their grandkids the same but their sms parents while being very good to my dc give more to their own grandkids. My kids have NO problem with this & don't feel left out in the slightest.
I think it's really nice that you're worrying about this but honestly you can't expect your extended family to feel the way you feel about your ss.
I think if they are kind, thoughtful & include him then you're already on a winner & I wouldn't push it.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/10/2021 05:00

*On the other hand, there seems to be a LOT of drama coming from the people who aggressively believe it's child cruelty for not everybody to treat all the children identically.

There's an old saying about pots and kettles...*

Drama ?

😄

As MN goes I'd say this thread is pretty low key.

funinthesun19 · 08/10/2021 09:19

When I was a stepmum, family members varied when it came to giving dsc Christmas presents.

Some bought equal to my children.
Some bought dsc token gifts only.
Some bought dsc nothing at all.

In the grand scheme of things, dsc got a very good deal when you put all of the presents together off everyone including mum’s side of the family.
Missing one or two toys and a few selection boxes from a few of my family members really wasn’t the end of the world, and it wasn’t a topic of discussion I ever felt the need to have with those family members.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2021 09:26

*Drama ?

😄

As MN goes I'd say this thread is pretty low key.*

Tell that to the person accusing others of "Eastenders like drama"

There is always a lot of hyperbole on this subject, this thread is no exception, though I agree there have been some that are worse.

MrsMiddleMother · 08/10/2021 16:29

It's good that YOU treat all kids the same, but that doesn't mean anyone else has to. Will your dss' mothers family get your child presents? Because if not then you are expected THREE families to gift for your dss but only TWO will gift for your child, so it isn't actually fair at all is it? Just focus on what you and your dp get both kids, not anyone else.

Erictheavocado · 08/10/2021 16:30

My wonderful step-dad always treated my sibling and I as his own, and so did his parents. To us, they were as much our grandparents as our actual grandparents. They never discriminated between us and their 'natural' grandchildren. And nobody could have been prouder of his dgc than my stepdad - as far as my dcs were concerned, he WAS their beloved grandad. I don't have any stepchildren or step grandchildren, but I hope that if I ever did I would follow the example of my step dad and his parents and treat them as equal children of the family.
OP, I think you sound like a lovely step-mum, but sadly, as you have seen, not everybody is as welcoming as you.

Booboosweet · 08/10/2021 16:57

I think you sound lovely. He's lucky to have you as his step mum.

confuseddotcom1234 · 08/10/2021 17:02

I just wanted to come and say o think it's lovely you hate they are treated differently. Children see abs notice things and if they are clearly favouring one then that's hard on both. Just because he has other family shouldn't change how they treat him especially if they previously have treated him as per of the family.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/10/2021 18:53

@Booboosweet

I think you sound lovely. He's lucky to have you as his step mum.
I agree.
Original poster
peonyrose87 · 08/10/2021 20:23

@MrsMiddleMother why would they get my baby a gift when they have absolutely nothing to do with her and have never seen her? What silly logic, and nothing to do with what I asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
peonyrose87 · 08/10/2021 20:23

Thank you to all of the lovely comments ❤️

OP posts:
COS2102 · 08/10/2021 21:12

Just ask for something way cheaper than they have set the baby's budget as? There might be a subtle hint in that.

Or from my family's perspective...they treat all of the children the same on a day to day but the biological neices/nephews/grandchildren have more put into savings which we don't see and have no control over. The idea is that once they are adults, they will all be given their savings at different times because they will turn 18 at different times so they won't see the difference in money...they should all (hopefully) be grateful for what they do receive.

We have no idea how much is in the individual saving pots, its grandparents who are in control

FlipItDown · 09/10/2021 00:03

Step parenting is too varied for there to ever be an obvious consensus I think.

What works for one person won't work for someone else and so on.

Like you say OP that you had a step parent who's family treated you completely equally, I don't think I've ever received a gift from my step dads Mum and I honestly haven't ever thought about it until now, I don't care and never have. But that's our family, that's how it worked for us, some would think that weird/odd.

Same with our family now, my parents do get on well with my DSC but my DS is very much their first and only grandchild and they spoil him rotten in a way they don't DSC. No one has ever thought to comment or be annoyed about that.

FlipItDown · 09/10/2021 00:21

But those children still grow to love their new families in the same way they love their 'blood' families

It depends on the child. I have never considered my step dads family in the same way as my own. I barely know his Mum really in the grand scheme of things, she's not a grandmother to me. His brothers, though I do actually get on with them well, aren't my uncles.

And that's a step dad who is absolutely wonderful and did himself treat me like his own, but I never "grew to love his family in the same way", ever. I never needed or wanted that. I have honestly never cared or thought about it. It has had no detrimental effect on my life that his family don't treat me the same of love me in the same way.

AdriannaP · 09/10/2021 06:07

@FlipItDown same here. I never had any particularly close relationship with my stepparent’s family, didn’t think of his nieces and nephews as my cousins, didn’t go to family weddings etc. Never felt I missed out, it isn’t and wasn’t my family. Partner had been in my parents life for nearly 30 years now.

aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2021 09:00

My DSS doesn't think of my parents as his family. He thinks of them as my family. But they don't mix much.

He's pleased with the token gift my mum gets him for Christmas, it's plenty enough given they've met about 4 times in 5 years.

funinthesun19 · 09/10/2021 09:05

I can say with confidence that I wasn’t bothered about not being seen and treated like a grandchild by my stepdad’s parents. I wasn’t their granddaughter and they weren’t my grandparents. We did actually get on very well when we did see each other. We just didn’t love each other or want to be overly involved with each other, and part of it on their part was to not want to give me a pile of presents, especially when they knew I had a whole other family on my dad’s side.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/10/2021 09:34

@funinthesun19

I can say with confidence that I wasn’t bothered about not being seen and treated like a grandchild by my stepdad’s parents. I wasn’t their granddaughter and they weren’t my grandparents. We did actually get on very well when we did see each other. We just didn’t love each other or want to be overly involved with each other, and part of it on their part was to not want to give me a pile of presents, especially when they knew I had a whole other family on my dad’s side.
Good for you but this isn’t the family set up OP wants or is building.
LublinToDublin · 09/10/2021 10:11

Good for you but this isn’t the family set up OP wants or is building

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken OP is able to build her family within her home with her dh and dcs sdc etc. as they please. And she is clearly a lovely step mum . All posters are trying to do is point out that she can't have the same expectations from her extended family and to reassure her that this won't automatically lead to emotional distress for the sdc.

funinthesun19 · 09/10/2021 10:53

Good for you but this isn’t the family set up OP wants or is building.

And the OP might be setting herself up for disappointment if she has such high expectations. The point I was trying to make before was that if it doesn’t work out how the OP wants, there is a high chance that her dsc isn’t going to be emotionally scarred by it. A few other posters have mentioned their own similar experiences and the way they felt. Kids get on with it better than you think

You can’t force people to do or feel things they don’t want to do. In OP’s perfect world everyone would do as they’re told but it doesn’t always work like that.

Youseethethingis · 09/10/2021 11:49

Unmet expectations seem to be what most threads on this board boil down to. The question is whether the expectation was reasonable and fair in the first place.
Personally I think kindness and acceptance are enough and if deeper relationships develop that's lovely. But it's not something that can be forced or a sign of failure or bad intentions if that doesn't happen.

In4mation · 09/10/2021 12:01

Yes, he should at least be getting the same as nephews and nieces from immediate family members, maybe a bit more. Definitely. Not so much from the more extended part of the family who don’t see him very much.

The only thing you have to be aware of is that your own dc when older, may well get jealous that step son gets more than them, so in a way there does need to be a discrepancy from your side to make up for it.

At the moment it seems unfair to step son if they aren’t treated equally. If they are, it will seem unfair to your dc in the future. It need to be a balance. Nephew/niece £40 balance seems better than a token £10