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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

OP posts:

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Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 01:45

@rolyisntittimefor you can't in one paragraph say I can only control what happens under my roof and then in another ask if I would take my child on an extra holiday because my SS went on holiday with his mum. What happens at his mum's is nothing to do with us. And yes he will ultimately end up with more presents, but again, I can only control what happens under my roof, what happens on the other side is nothing to do with us. He has two separate homes and nothing goes between them so he is allowed to be treated the same as his sister in my eyes.

OP posts:

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 01:46

@DemocracyofHypocrisy yes, exactly this. Never posting about stepmum business on here again🙄

OP posts:

AdriannaP · 07/10/2021 02:02

I think it’s slightly weird that you want to demand presents from your DF. They are not related to your DSC and it’s already kind that they are offering small gifts. If they are kind and accepting of your SC is the size if gift that important?

I grew up with a stepparent- me and my sibling never got presents from his family, I don’t think we ever expected that.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 02:04

@LOISJ I know. It's a losing battle on here!

OP posts:

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 02:06

@AdriannaP I never once said I was demanding presents, I was simply asking for advice and thoughts.

I grew up with a stepparent and was very much treated and still am treated equally by his family. I personally think it's weird that you didn't receive gifts from yours.

OP posts:

AdriannaP · 07/10/2021 02:14

Why? We were not their nieces and nephews or grandchildren but the children of their relatives partner. We never felt like their family and didn’t want to - we had family already. Sometimes you don’t need to enforce what isn’t there. As children we didn’t feel left out, maybe we weren’t raised to feel entitled to present from people who are not even related to us.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 02:21

@AdriannaP fair enough. My stepson has been in their lives since he was 18 months so maybe that is why I feel different. My stepson is very much our family, and my husband and I would be sad if anyone thought otherwise. Anyway, as I said before this is not something I have brought up with my family and I was merely asking for thoughts. I have taken on board what people have said.

OP posts:

mommabear2386 · 07/10/2021 02:53

It's lovely that this is your view but family can't be expected to feel the same about your step son as they do your bio child especially your parents, they are of course wanting to spoil their blood relation and treat your step son.

Maybe drop it that you feel awkward about this and they may adjust slightly and really if they are giving high value gifts to your child or means you can have more free cash for SS? X

alpinerain · 07/10/2021 03:47

I'm so glad you want to do something about it and treat your step son equally. Wish my step mother had been like this.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 03:59

OP you sound great.

So pleased for your DSS that he has you as a step mum.

Can not really understand the pickiness on here. Two small children opening presents together in the future - your DSS and your DD will NOT understand that one of them is "more" family than the other.

You don't differentiate so they won't.

The small mindedness on here is incredible. Whatever the facts of their birth certificates are it's the feelings of a child you're dealing with.
And luckily OP you get it.

Saying that

lentilsandeggs · 07/10/2021 04:59

@MintJulia

OP, be careful that you don't offend your dss' family by trying to outdo them.

It's nice that you want him to have a good Christmas but you are sailing dangerously close to upsetting people. Even if it is unintentional.

Keep sailing your course OP. You sound caring and thoughtful and not at all close to upsetting people (except random mumsnetters!)

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 06:04

Thank you to the last few posters ❤️

OP posts:

wineosaurus4 · 07/10/2021 06:19

@peonyrose87 I am a step mum too, and you sound wonderful. Your DSS is very lucky to have you. We cannot do right from doing wrong and it's a role very few understand. Some of the comments on this thread are quite shocking 'Your DS doesn't need you'.. a classic! I have a sneaky suspicion this poster will have a child with a step parent, however, is in denial and feeling very threatened by another woman's presence.

FWIW I would be advocating for my DSS like you are. My family are wonderful with my two DSD's and I'd be gutted if it was any other way.

WeepySheepy · 07/10/2021 06:24

I think you just have to leave them to it. Maybe open some of baby's gifts separately if you're all together xmas day so they aren't sat there watching baby open loads.

puppypeach · 07/10/2021 06:26

Jkkyk

2019user44 · 07/10/2021 06:42

Ive been a step mum OP and am now a mum who’s DD goes to her dad’s and is a step child.

I think your approach is lovely.

If you explain your family may understand. If they don’t then perhaps you could say that presents will be given when your step child is not there if they insist on a difference in value. They may feel there is a difference but I think it’s incredibly important that the children feel that they are treated equally.

Could you possibly suggested they use their budget for your child to buy two gifts from that one small one of similar value to your stepchild and then use the remaining budget if they want to, to buy a different gift but make it clear that you have decided as a family that the children will feel equal and consequently this will have to be given on a different day / timewhen the stepchild isn’t present. It would be awful for the stepchild to feel this difference. You are so kind and as PP said, if you had suggested you would favour your own child, you would have been criticised too you can’t win on here! X

frazzledasarock · 07/10/2021 06:54

Your baby will presumably be about ten months at Christmas.

You can’t really get as high value gifts for a baby as you can for an older child.

Why not ask for the gifts from your DSS’s gift list for him from your family.

What will you ask for your baby? At that age I suggested clothes and some family also gave us toys. But the gifts were not at all comparable.

I’d not make this an issue, your family can get your DSS the gifts he wants besides the main gifts he wants. His parents and their families will get him the main gifts and also other bits.

Unless he is sitting there with nothing or things he’d never want I don’t think this will be an issue.

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:06

@frazzledasarock "His parents and their families will get him the main gifts and also other bits." Since there have been a few comments like this I'd like to address his...his gifts come from myself and my husband, in our house, we are his parents. His mum's house and family are separate.

What's on their lists is kind of irrelevant as the family have specifically asked for £10 gifts for him. That is quite a difference when they're planning on spending a lot more on the baby. Thanks for your comment though, good to have different views

OP posts:

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:07

@2019user44 yes I think that's a good idea and we'll perhaps have to give the gifts at different times. Perhaps get them to send up some of the baby's ones earlier. Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:10

@wineosaurus4 yes what a comment, right? No perhaps he doesn't "need me" but he is very attached to me and loved. I think some people forget that family isn't always about being blood related.

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Kjr33 · 07/10/2021 07:13

I think I would say to my family something like

“oh how kind you want to buy baby a solid gold teddy but baby will only be 10months ish so some clothes would be plenty thanks, step child however really needs a whatever so would you consider doing that instead?”

It’s up to them what they buy but you can start the ball rolling this year that these are your expectations and you are willing for baby to get less so things are more fair in your household.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 07:13

I wouldn’t be at all comfortable if we went to Christmas and baby and other dc were showered with presents and stepson got a visibly token gift. That’s not fair on a child. Can you talk to your parents and close siblings? Is one more present likely to break the bank? Christmas in particular when everyone gets presents together it’s not great, you could say for the Christmases sdc is with you you either have to not go to your family, or he gets equivalent to baby (or perhaps you bring something else for him?)
He can’t go and get visibly treated as lesser.

Birthdays are easier to get away with being less balanced without making kids feel unloved.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:27

Just open the bigger baby presents out of sight of the DSC? Do you have them on Christmas day this year? It's not really your place to police their gifting but I understand why it stings a bit.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 07:31

@SmileySandwich

Just open the bigger baby presents out of sight of the DSC? Do you have them on Christmas day this year? It's not really your place to police their gifting but I understand why it stings a bit.

And how will that work in 3/4 years time when the baby is a child who understands Xmas? You can't exactly say to a child of that age 'oh you'll have to open your other presents once your half brother goes to his moms'

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 07:33

peonyrose87
I agree with everyone saying that your approach to your dsc is lovely.
But there nothing wrong with acknowledging the reality that your family's relationship with your dsc is different from your dc's relationship with them.
Children accept and understand that. My dd is a step daughter and is fully aware of how complex and varied family relationships can be. The actions of her step family don't affect her. The only things that hurt are occasions when she feels that her father has treated half siblings differently to her. Because they are all his children.

Taking the discussion a step further with a hypothetical question. Would you expect your dsc to inherit from your parents equally to your dc?

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