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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bigeggsinapackoften · 07/10/2021 11:35

@Youseethethingis

What makes me open mouthed is the idea that it's somehow wrong for a child to know that they are indeed special to their own parents and grandparents.

This has articulated exactly how I feel. I was struggling to articulate it but this encapsulates it.

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 11:44

@MrsSkylerWhite

Bigeggsinapackoften

I think it’s cheeky to ask anyone to spend an amount on your kids“

Agree in principle but they shouldn’t be spending more on one than the other, either.

If you subscribe to the mentality that nobody is allowed to acknowledge they aren't related to each other and don't feel the same way about each other, maybe.

But to me, that's an incredibly demanding expectation to have of others just because YOU have made that choice.

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 11:53

Youseethethingis

What makes me open mouthed is the idea that it's somehow wrong for a child to know that they are indeed special to their own parents and grandparents

Show me which posts even hint at that?

You use the phrase their own parents and grandparents. The discussion isn't about the child's own parents and grandparents ' the discussion is about expectations on the step grandparents.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 12:00

@LublintoDublin
Here's a PP quoted in full (just one example)

"What? If it's that important for OP for them all to be treated the same then what's wrong with asking for less for the baby? Or is baby somehow more important to the grandparents. In which case nothing wrong with what they propose"

The step parents and step grandparents in question are the biological parents and grandparents of the baby. Who according to PP should not be treating that baby if they are special to them. Which is exactly what this thread is about. I would have thought this was obvious.

sleeplessmamama · 07/10/2021 12:03

I have a 13 year old DSD, been in her life since she was 5 and my parents and DB and SIL always get her a present for birthday and Christmas. Now we have 2 children, there is a difference in presents bought for them all. DSD has never been to our on Christmas Day (DH has never had her on Christmas, birthdays, Father's Day or any other occasion unfortunately) so she doesn't see the difference in presents just a big pile for her when she comes!
Wouldn't worry too much about it, just tell them what you want them to get for him.

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 12:04

Ah, you are defending the grandparents decision.
I misunderstood- thanks for clarifying Youseethethingis

SuperstarDog · 07/10/2021 12:06

What makes me open mouthed is the idea that it's somehow wrong for a child to know that they are indeed special to their own parents and grandparents

Of course children are special to their parents and grandparents. There may be a difference in their feelings towards their own children/grandchildren and their step children/grandchildren but you don’t have to show this through the amount of money you spend on each of them. Money doesn’t represent love afterall.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:14

@sunglassesonthetable

*Or ask the grandarents to spend less on the baby I guess. It's cheeky to ask them to spend more on kids that if you split up they will never see again.

@SmileySandwich *

For real....? A monetary value on the relationship. Bloody hell.

What if I split up with my OH? All that money that was "wasted" by my family at Christmas' and his birthdays.....

We are talking about a small child's feelings here. Not an investment portfolio.

OP is the one thinking they should be spending more on the DSC. I'm pointing out it is far less rude to ask them to spend less on DC.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 12:16

If that's the case then why does the step child need more money spending on them to make them feel better? It's not about being equal because they will end up with more overall as they have more "presents streams" coming towards them. It's about them feeling loved.
The debate is always about whether expectations should be set (and possibly unmet, leading to upset) that they are exactly the same in every way to their wider step family or whether helping them understand the relationships is best.

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 12:17

OP is the one thinking they should be spending more on the DSC. I'm pointing out it is far less rude to ask them to spend less on DC.

It is less rude but it shouldn't be necessarily. They should be allowed to have that relationship and people should respect that it is different.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:18

@Youseethethingis

What makes me open mouthed is the idea that it's somehow wrong for a child to know that they are indeed special to their own parents and grandparents.

I know. I think it's absolutely bonkers that because the grandparents see their grandchild as special they can't treat them unless they treat the DSC. But there we go, aparantly they should be equal. Fair enough but I would be pissed off if I was then asked to spend more on a DGSC than less on DGC to equal it out. You can't demand people spend more on someone they might not view as family in the same way.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:19

@aSofaNearYou

OP is the one thinking they should be spending more on the DSC. I'm pointing out it is far less rude to ask them to spend less on DC.

It is less rude but it shouldn't be necessarily. They should be allowed to have that relationship and people should respect that it is different.

I agree. I think the grandparents should be able to spend what they like, the relationship is different. It's not for OP to define their relationship with the DSC.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:20

Money doesn’t represent love afterall then why the insistence by OP that the same amount is spent on both?

Original poster

peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 12:23

@SmileySandwich if you read the whole thread you'd see I never insisted the exact same be spent. I was merely pondering the huge difference. And I've not demanded it to anyone, again was just asking for advice.

OP posts:

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:27

[quote peonyrose87]@SmileySandwich if you read the whole thread you'd see I never insisted the exact same be spent. I was merely pondering the huge difference. And I've not demanded it to anyone, again was just asking for advice. [/quote]
Sorry yes I apologise.

SuperstarDog · 07/10/2021 12:30

if you read the whole thread you'd see I never insisted the exact same be spent. I was merely pondering the huge difference. And I've not demanded it to anyone, again was just asking for advice.

That wouldn’t be very interesting though. Some people have to find a ‘goodie’ and a ‘baddie’ in every situation. 😬

Bananarama21 · 07/10/2021 12:31

Poor daughters in law. Who cares about them carrying babies after all. Do their children still count? well given that the op is taking about her family and she was giving birth, a daughter law has no reference here as its not the case but also family are still involved in the daughter inlaws pregnancy. I'm referencing a complete stranger who happened to give birth and now op is step mother.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 12:35

@SuperstarDog

if you read the whole thread you'd see I never insisted the exact same be spent. I was merely pondering the huge difference. And I've not demanded it to anyone, again was just asking for advice.

That wouldn’t be very interesting though. Some people have to find a ‘goodie’ and a ‘baddie’ in every situation. 😬

Nah I'm a stepmum myself so know OP is a goodie, she's caring about the feelings of her DSC. I apologise again for my use of the word demanding, it's projection on my part and I should have known better!

Talipesmum · 07/10/2021 12:36

I think I would say to anyone who asks for £10 ideas for stepson and £40 ideas for baby that I’d much prefer the budgets to be split evenly, so suggest £20 ideas for each child. I also cannot imagine how someone would think “token” for one child and “large” for another if they see them both a similar amount. I mean, I can see how people have got to that view, but I can’t imagine doing it myself.

HalzTangz · 07/10/2021 12:40

OP I agree with you. I never understand the mindset that a stepchild should be treated differently. Once a family is blended children should be treated equally in my opinion.

I would approach family members and ask that they allocate the gift money 50/50 so each child gets equally. It won't be costing the gift giver any more as you aren't asking for more.

SuperstarDog · 07/10/2021 12:42

Sorry, I know I quoted your post but my comments about goodies and baddies were more a general observation from the thread, I didn’t mean you in particular. I think it’s clear that OP sounds really nice and thoughtful and is just wondering what others do. She’s not trying to say he’d way is right, she just wants her step child to feel part of the family which is lovely.

SuperstarDog · 07/10/2021 12:42

*her way

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 07/10/2021 12:46

I have a step-nephew through my sister's marriage. I can't imagine treating him any different to the children born to my siblings! And it seems in your case they are treating him differently now after your baby has arrived, when before they were making more fuss of him?
My only suggestion would be an open and honest conversation, to explain to your family that your SSon is as much part of your family as your daughter and you would like them to be treated the same when it comes to gifts - fine if the budget is smaller (but how much budget does a small baby need anyway?!). It might be that they spend more time with your baby because she is with you 100% whereas he is only with you 50%, but you would like gifts/material things to be equal.

HalzTangz · 07/10/2021 13:12

My question, seeing as everyone seems to think Step children aren't the same, should family members treat adopted children or foster children the same way as step children are treated.

Or should we all grow the F* up and realise that children didn't ask for their families to be split up or blended into new families. But those children still grow to love their new families in the same way they love their 'blood' families.

Comments like those on this thread really disgust me in that people see SC as a 'lesser' family member.

SC are family members and should be treated equally

Evesgarden · 07/10/2021 13:24

@HalzTangz

My question, seeing as everyone seems to think Step children aren't the same, should family members treat adopted children or foster children the same way as step children are treated.

Comments like those on this thread really disgust me in that people see SC as a 'lesser' family member.

SC are family members and should be treated equally

I agree, this thread is awful.

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