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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

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RestingPandaFace · 07/10/2021 13:27

@HalzTangz

My question, seeing as everyone seems to think Step children aren't the same, should family members treat adopted children or foster children the same way as step children are treated.

Or should we all grow the F* up and realise that children didn't ask for their families to be split up or blended into new families. But those children still grow to love their new families in the same way they love their 'blood' families.

Comments like those on this thread really disgust me in that people see SC as a 'lesser' family member.

SC are family members and should be treated equally

Agree completely, as an adoptive Mum these threads make me so happy for the family I have who treat my DS exactly the same as their biological grandchildren, nieces and cousins.

If I was part of some of these posters families with so much emphasis on blood ties I’d be NC.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and the family configuration that they end up in is never down to the child, all children deserve to be treated the same within their families.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 13:35

They aren't "lesser", just different. And clearly completely different again to adopted and foster children so I'm not sure why you'd even bring that tired old argument up.
I didn't ask for my uncle. I just got him. He's a member of my family. I love him. But he isn't my dad just because he's a member of my family and he's a man.

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 13:37

@HalzTangz

My question, seeing as everyone seems to think Step children aren't the same, should family members treat adopted children or foster children the same way as step children are treated.

Or should we all grow the F* up and realise that children didn't ask for their families to be split up or blended into new families. But those children still grow to love their new families in the same way they love their 'blood' families.

Comments like those on this thread really disgust me in that people see SC as a 'lesser' family member.

SC are family members and should be treated equally

Step children aren't the same. I'm sorry if that upsets you but it's the truth.

The parallel with adopted children and foster children is not exact as it is different when there is parental responsibility involved. But in theory, yes I think it is fine for grandparents to feel differently about adopted/foster children compared to their own biological grandchildren. Their child may have made a choice to set aside nature and love that child as their own, which was noble of them, but they do not speak for others. Other people should not be guilted for not automatically mimicking the emotions of the person who made the active choice. Now in terms of treatment and gift giving, it's inherently more complicated when their child is the official parent, with parental responsibility for the child, and the child lives with them full time. It will naturally raise the question of could they please make the effort to help that child feel settled into their one and only, core family unit.

With step children with an active second side of the family, it's a different story. It's impossible for them not to be aware their family set up is different from their half siblings, because they spend half or more of their time elsewhere, with other family. Thus the need to create the illusion that everything is identical is not there. In my opinion, it's the adults overcomplicating things, by expecting certain things and being offended by their families simply going along with reality.

endlesscraziness · 07/10/2021 13:37

I think you're completely right. I treat my sisters step children the same as I do my other nephew

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 13:38

Why bring adoption and fostering into the discussion?
Those are completely different relationships from each other as well as being completely different from the step relationships under discussion here.

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 13:41

endlesscraziness

I think you're completely right. I treat my sisters step children the same as I do my other nephew

Fantastic! You are free to do that. But to impose that expectation on others is unreasonable.

caringcarer · 07/10/2021 13:52

Me and DH tray children the same regardless of biological parents. I have 3 DC with ex but DH and I have been married 16 years and he helped bring them up so they all get treated the same. Our foster son has lived with us for 10 years and he gets the same too. In our home Santa brings a stocking for anyone here on Xmas day. Some years a niece has been here and she got stocking with many gifts too. If they live with you and you love them I don't get treating them as second class.

frazzledasarock · 07/10/2021 14:05

Actually seeing how small the budget for DSS is compared to the baby, I'd ask if they'd split the budget between the two and put in requests accordingly.

My older DC are in a blended family with my IL's and if their gifts aren't the same value nobody really notices as everyone has pretty much similar level of gifts. My DC aren't bothered about gifts or wanting very expensive gifts so anything is great fun and being together is the main thing.
My younger DC's gifts are not really comparable as they get toys which the older ones are not interested in.

daisyjgrey · 07/10/2021 14:46

Fucking hell what is it about MN having such an immediate hate for step mums?!

Literally nothing is good enough for you all Hmm

LittleMysSister · 07/10/2021 15:09

@LublinToDublin

LittleMysSister

Omg I am actually reading some of these responses open-mouthed!

Why open mouthed? No one is slating the OP for her relationship with her sdc or criticising her stepparenting.

But many posters including people like me who are or have been step parents disagree with her expectations on her family.

Because I am just stunned to see people on MN actually agreeing that it's OK for there to be a difference in the way people treat their own grandchildren compared to step-grandchildren.

I fully agree that it's easy enough to explain to a child why someone's grandparents would give them more gifts. Just as the SC gets gifts from people on their mum's side while new baby doesn't.

In this case, my only concern would be concerned that OP's family had treated SC as a grandchild until now though. If that has been the case - which it seems that it has - then I would have a word and just ask that they don't spend visibly loads more on my baby than on SC, if he was going to see the gifts being opened.

PeeAche · 07/10/2021 15:57

@daisyjgrey

Fucking hell what is it about MN having such an immediate hate for step mums?!

Literally nothing is good enough for you all Hmm

Somehow we're living in a world where "dog mamas" are more accepted than stepmothers.
BeQuietBrenda · 07/10/2021 16:05

Some of the people commenting here are coming across as quite miserable and vindictive.

I'm a stepmother and my son has a stepmother. OP my family is the same as you, we're all equal and the love is there for all. Our families buy Xmas and birthday presents equally, the step grandparents treat the step grandchildren the same as their biological children.

The reason being.... Some families aren't made up of Eastender style drama and some step families are able to actually get on with life with no drama and not using children as pawns to point score.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:08

If my parents gave my DSC the same sort of size present as they do my LO they would potentially feel very uncomfortable and their mum would possibly kick off. It depends completely on the relationship between them.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 16:14

Why bring adoption and fostering into the discussion?
Those are completely different relationships from each other as well as being completely different from the step relationships under discussion here.

Because it shows up how small minded some of these comments are.

if you have 2 young siblings, deciding gifts by which variation of attachment they have arrived, is grim.

Good on you OP for wanting to treat them exactly the same.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 16:17

I think it's rather small minded not to acknowledge that different people/relationships/circumstances lead people to do things differently.
It's also extremely small minded to be unable to discern the difference between an adopted and step child.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 16:19

And It's extremely small minded to treat them differently ( however YOU happen to feel)

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:21

@Youseethethingis

I think it's rather small minded not to acknowledge that different people/relationships/circumstances lead people to do things differently. It's also extremely small minded to be unable to discern the difference between an adopted and step child.
Yes it obviously depends on their relationship with each other
sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 16:23

Reading this thread nothing is 'obvious'

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 16:29

Believe it or not, it's not all about how I happen to feel.
There are many people who would be made to feel uncomfortable if they were all told they had to pretend they were just the same as their own grandparents/children etc. in case some random on MN said they were being small minded by being perfectly nice to each other when they saw them but not really all that bothered because they had their own grandparents/children.

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 16:32

BeQuietBrenda

Some of the people commenting here are coming across as quite miserable and vindictive.

Some families aren't made up of Eastender style drama and some step families are able to actually get on with life with no drama and not using children as pawns to point score

Nothing miserable or vindictive about my attitude and nothing 'eastenders-like' about the family dynamics.
It's just perfectly possible to have children who are secure in their family relationships at the same time as recognising the variation and differences within that family. Not being "treated exactly the same" is not a problem.

Evesgarden · 07/10/2021 16:42

@sunglassesonthetable

*Why bring adoption and fostering into the discussion? Those are completely different relationships from each other as well as being completely different from the step relationships under discussion here.*

Because it shows up how small minded some of these comments are.

if you have 2 young siblings, deciding gifts by which variation of attachment they have arrived, is grim.

Good on you OP for wanting to treat them exactly the same.

I agree.
PeeAche · 07/10/2021 16:52

Me too.

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 18:42

@BeQuietBrenda

Some of the people commenting here are coming across as quite miserable and vindictive.

I'm a stepmother and my son has a stepmother. OP my family is the same as you, we're all equal and the love is there for all. Our families buy Xmas and birthday presents equally, the step grandparents treat the step grandchildren the same as their biological children.

The reason being.... Some families aren't made up of Eastender style drama and some step families are able to actually get on with life with no drama and not using children as pawns to point score.

It's funny that you assume there is drama in other people's experiences, and yet most on here have explicitly said that everybody understands the differing family roles and nobody is upset. Hence, no drama.

On the other hand, there seems to be a LOT of drama coming from the people who aggressively believe it's child cruelty for not everybody to treat all the children identically.

There's an old saying about pots and kettles...

Southernbellenot · 07/10/2021 20:40

You mean the kids know their place @aSofaNearYou..

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 20:55

If you subscribe to the mentality that nobody is allowed to acknowledge they aren't related to each other and don't feel the same way about each other, maybe.

But to me, that's an incredibly demanding expectation to have of others just because YOU have made that choice.“

What a snotty reply.

Each to their own. Just think it’s a bit shitty for adults to favour one child in a family (which sc is) over another. The child’s not responsible for the family dynamic.

I have a stepdad, have for 45 years, love him dearly. Does he deserve less of a gift than my mum? No, of course not.