Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 09:47

@Bananarama21

My son doesn't remember a time before dh or his sm were there however he understands how he gets double than his other siblings on both sides and if the step grandparents want to spend abit more on their grandchilsren that's fine he also aware that he gets 2 Christmases, 2 birthdays and 2 holidays, it's unrealistic to expect him to get the same amount of sm family and dh family otherwise he gets 4 times the amount than the other dc. You can't force a connection it totally different seeing your daughter carry a baby and give birth to then meeting a child who has a different mother.
Poor daughters in law. Who cares about them carrying babies after all. Do their children still count?
Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 09:56

Poor daughters in law. Who cares about them carrying babies after all. Do their children still count?
Funny you should say, when I was pregnant my MIL was at great pains to let me know how special DSD is because she was there when ex gave birth and helped when she was a newborn (Ex is NC with her own mother).
Then she wonders why I got salty when that carried through into how she treats her grandchildren. Was I meant to have MIL there when I gave birth when all I wanted was my own mum? Who knows. Anyway... She had four boys so we shall never know what she'd be like as a maternal grandmother.

rolyisntittimefor · 07/10/2021 10:20

I appreciate that to you he is like a son but it's just a different relationship for the extended relatives. Like I say, you mean well and absolutely have the right idea in your home but I don't think you're giving the child enough credit to understand that there are differences in families and because he gets more presents from his mum etc, he might get less from this set of family (your parents).

I honestly think you mean well OP and that's great as a stepmum but I say this as an adult to whom this happened as a child - you will never make it equal and that's absolutely okay. They have partly different parentage. There will be holidays etc on either side and many more examples to come. It sounds like both kids will be well loved and have positive relationships on both sides which is really all that matters.

As a pp mentioned, would you expect them to inherit the same from your parents? And extreme example but boils down to the same point.

Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 10:32

As I said previously, I'm not expecting them to spend the exact same, but a £10 token gift when then showering the baby with lots doesn't sit well with me.

Anyway, I'm leaving this thread now as I've had lots to think about and I haven't changed my mind on how I feel but will not be saying anything at this time.

OP posts:
PeeAche · 07/10/2021 10:36

So, OP - what did you decide based on all of MN's superb advice?

I've been watching the thread with interest and playing step parenting bingo! It's almost a full house. I'm just waiting for someone to say:

"And where is your husband in all of this?" Grin

My bro and SIL have just had first baby which has shunted my DSC down a rung in the wider-family dynamic. It's baby's first Christmas and my DSC have heard lots of talk about how my parents are "finally" grandparents (I've not ever been able to carry to term). I've never been close to my parents but they've always been kind treated my DSC like part of the clan... until they got a "real" grandchild. I don't feel badly about this. My new nephew IS their first grandchild!
This Christmas, I am expecting that baby will have millions of pressies and my DSC will have token gifts. I won't be paying it too much mind. If I'm going to have a chat with anyone about it, it will only be my DSC and it will be mostly about how incredibly lucky they are, without dwelling on the gift disparity too much.

I know this is different because 1. I'm talking about a nephew instead of my old baby. And 2. My parents and I aren't close. But still.

You say you've known your DSS since he was 18months and that was 4.5 years ago. So he's 6-ish and capable of understanding how these disparities arise. You can't shield him from it forever. We tell ours that our family is not nuclear but that is what makes it fun/beautiful/exciting/different...

Also, once a mate of mine was so broke before her daughter's birthday that she took her to Poundland and told her she could pick 20 things from the toy aisle. The kid went absolutely nuts and ran out of ideas before number 20. I guess the point I'm making is that a 6 year old is often liable to love a token gift more than the "big" present anyway. One Christmas I remember my parents being very annoyed that I seemed happier with the prize I found in my cereal than with any of my gifts... it was a tiny bear in a pink dress. I still have it!!

PeeAche · 07/10/2021 10:37

Sorry, I forgot to ask:

Where you the OW?

Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 10:46

@peonyrose87

With all due respect just because he has a mum and a family on that side does not invalidate our family and love for him. Excuse me for wishing that our children are treated the same. I forgot Mumsnet is very anti stepmums🙄
Don't be ridiculous. Your step child will get gifts from your Dh's family and his mother's family. Your child will get gifts from your Dh's family and your family. That's even. As your own child gets older will you expect them to get gifts from your Dh's ex family simply because your step child gets gifts from them? Of course not, so as it stands your step child is benefitting from extra gifts from your family and you should be grateful that they buy gifts for him instead of whinging that they are not spending the same as they do for your child. Do you honestly think your step child will look up the costs of the presents and wonder why his cost less? He won't have a clue and you shouldn't even be making an issue of it.
Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 10:56

@PeeAche if you'd read the whole thread you would see that his mum and dad split when he was 7 months and I came around when he was 18 months so no I was not the other woman. Not that it matters but his mum cheated on my husband twice in those 7 months after he was born.

OP posts:
PeeAche · 07/10/2021 10:58

[quote peonyrose87]@PeeAche if you'd read the whole thread you would see that his mum and dad split when he was 7 months and I came around when he was 18 months so no I was not the other woman. Not that it matters but his mum cheated on my husband twice in those 7 months after he was born. [/quote]
Sorry @peonyrose87 , I was making a joke! A step parenting bingo joke. Of course you weren't the OW! I think you sound fantastic and you've been flamed unnecessarily.

Oh boy... my husband is always reminding me that my jokes aren't funny... Blush

PeeAche · 07/10/2021 11:01

Oh my goodness. I feel like such a dipstick. Blush

Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 11:03

@PeeAche sorry! The other comments were all serious so I was a bit defensive. To answer your first question about what I decided, as I said in my previous post, I still feel the same but understand others viewpoints and will not be saying anything to anyone. I will likely give the baby some gifts when her brother isn't around if there is a massive difference in gifts. We speak often about how he is very lucky to have two homes and gets two sets of presents and that his little sister only has one home so doesn't get that. He understands, I just wanted some advice and I've had lots of it and I'm ready to put this thread to bed now.

OP posts:
Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 11:04

@PeeAche not at all! Sorry, it was my bad.

OP posts:
VitalsStable · 07/10/2021 11:07

My DH's family have only ever treated my DD, their SGC, as they do all of their DG's. Even as far as inheritances. She'll get inheritances from her father and his family and we do buy the other DCs an extra present which they get on Boxing Day when she is at her fathers to even things up a little but I'd be hurt if she was relegated when another child comes along. Not for me but for my child.

We have also split finances in our Will so that our (DH &I) children get 40% each and she'll get 20% as she'll inherit a lot from her DF as she's his only child. We've explained it to DD and she understands.

At such a young age though your child is bound to notice and be hurt and that'll hurt you. You're just being a good mum and trying to stop this happening.

LittleMysSister · 07/10/2021 11:07

Omg I am actually reading some of these responses open-mouthed!

As if I'm reading a stepmum getting slated for wanting her stepson to be treated the same as her own son! On MUMSNET!!! I thought this thread was going to be OP worrying more was being spent on her SS than her new baby, and she'd be getting slated for that...not the total opposite.

Honestly OP, give it up, we can't catch a break on here.

PeeAche · 07/10/2021 11:09

[quote peonyrose87]@PeeAche sorry! The other comments were all serious so I was a bit defensive. To answer your first question about what I decided, as I said in my previous post, I still feel the same but understand others viewpoints and will not be saying anything to anyone. I will likely give the baby some gifts when her brother isn't around if there is a massive difference in gifts. We speak often about how he is very lucky to have two homes and gets two sets of presents and that his little sister only has one home so doesn't get that. He understands, I just wanted some advice and I've had lots of it and I'm ready to put this thread to bed now. [/quote]
I'm sorry. It all gets a bit much over here sometimes.

I decided that the only advice I can reasonably ask from Mumsnet now is DIY and cleaning advice. Over on that side of the forum, they have no idea that I'm a sea witch harpy succubus .... second wife!

Let's put it to bed. Goodnight, thread!

(Merry Christmas @peonyrose87 Grin)

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 11:10

Why would they be upset? He’s your son now and you would like equal treatment. What’s to be upset about?

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 11:18

LittleMysSister

Omg I am actually reading some of these responses open-mouthed!

Why open mouthed? No one is slating the OP for her relationship with her sdc or criticising her stepparenting.

But many posters including people like me who are or have been step parents disagree with her expectations on her family.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 11:21

*Or ask the grandarents to spend less on the baby I guess. It's cheeky to ask them to spend more on kids that if you split up they will never see again.

@SmileySandwich *

For real....? A monetary value on the relationship. Bloody hell.

What if I split up with my OH? All that money that was "wasted" by my family at Christmas' and his birthdays.....

We are talking about a small child's feelings here. Not an investment portfolio.

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 11:27

It's cheeky to ask people to spend more on yout SC regardless of whether you will one day split up. I wish people wouldn't even mention the "one day they may have nothing to do with them" argument because it always causes a "but you could say that about your DH, that shouldn't matter" derail. The truth is, it's cheeky to ask or expect people to spend a certain amount on your SC regardless of whether you will be with their parent forever.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/10/2021 11:27

*Why open mouthed? No one is slating the OP for her relationship with her sdc or criticising her stepparenting.

But many posters including people like me who are or have been step parents disagree with her expectations on her family.*

Tbh I think OP's expectations re her family to her D(S)S is 'her parenting.'

We read it ALL the time on MN.

I think it's a bit off to ask her family to spend more on presents- but perfectly fine to ask them to spend equally on presents. So less on the new DC.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 07/10/2021 11:29

I think it’s cheeky to ask anyone to spend an amount on your kids.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 11:30

Bigeggsinapackoften

I think it’s cheeky to ask anyone to spend an amount on your kids“

Agree in principle but they shouldn’t be spending more on one than the other, either.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 07/10/2021 11:31

I would spend more on a grandchild than a step grandchild. Sorry but I would. They have another family also to buy them presents.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 11:33

What makes me open mouthed is the idea that it's somehow wrong for a child to know that they are indeed special to their own parents and grandparents.

professionalcockney · 07/10/2021 11:34

You sound really nice OP.