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Original poster

Christmas presents

214 replies

peonyrose87 · 06/10/2021 20:59

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

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SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:35

@girlmom21 no but you can keep some for them to open in the morning in their room. Or if they are old enough just explain to the kids that it's normal in "blended" (hate that term) families for people to get different presents. Kids aren't stupid if you explain it they'll be fine.

Evesgarden · 07/10/2021 07:37

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

OP you sound lovely. You keep on doing you and looking out for your DSC. You have been in his life a long time and see him very much part of your family - well done because most on this board cannot.

Its not unreasonable for you to let other family members know you feel both kids are equal and want them to be treated the same Flowers

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/10/2021 07:38

I think your attitude towards your stepson is lovely and people could (should) take a leaf from your book.

I might say to relatives, “stepson is a part of my family just as my biological child is, I’d really like it if you could not go crazy buying for my biological child. I really don’t want their to be a huge disparity between them. Just a simple gift for each of them would be lovely”

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:39

Or ask the grandarents to spend less on the baby I guess. It's cheeky to ask them to spend more on kids that if you split up they will never see again.

HumphreyCobblers · 07/10/2021 07:44

We have a step child in our family group and it honestly never occurred to any of us to plan a smaller budget for their present than for any other child in the family. I think that sounds rather a mean approach and I would be taken aback by someone happily planning it.

It never changes on these boards, a step mother’s place is in the wrong! Imagine if the OP had written justifying giving her step son presents of less value..

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:45

It depends on the relationship. If the grandparents have only met them say once a year then it is a bit OTT for them to be spending loads on them. The kids might even feel uncomfortable. Like..thank you person I hardly know.

Evesgarden · 07/10/2021 07:46

@SmileySandwich

Or ask the grandarents to spend less on the baby I guess. It's cheeky to ask them to spend more on kids that if you split up they will never see again.
ffs....
SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:49

ffs....

What? If it's that important for OP for them all to be treated the same then what's wrong with asking for less for the baby? Or is baby somehow more important to the grandparents. In which case nothing wrong with what they propose.

Harlequin1088 · 07/10/2021 07:53

I'm have a Stepmum and am now a Stepmum myself.

My Stepmum always loved my siblings and I and treated us with respect and dignity. She's always bought us Christmas and birthday presents but never to the same value of the presents she bought her own daughters. Why would she? I don't ever recall being given gifts from my Stepmum's family either and I don't recall being particularly bummed out by either.

I've got two Stepsons of my own now and am expecting my first baby with my partner. I buy my Stepsons presents but I certainly wouldn't expect my family to buy them any. I can't imagine a situation where the lads turned to me and said "Why hasn't your Great Aunt bought us anything for Christmas?" I just don't think it would occur to them.

I think it's lovely that your family include your Stepson in their Christmas present buying so I wouldn't get hung up on the monetary value of said present. It's nice the lad is included as most families (like mine!) likely wouldn't bother.

Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:53

@LublinToDublin my SS doesn't remember life without me or my family, so unfortunately he doesn't understand the complex dynamics of blended families the same as a child who remembers their parents being together would. His mum and dad split when he was 7 months and I have been in his life since he was 18 months.

I think the hypothetical question is unnecessary, I'm talking about Christmas gifts, not anything bigger than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:55

@SmileySandwich as said before, they all see my SS as often as they see my DD. Family events are done as a family unit, we plan things around when we have my SS

OP posts:
decafforme · 07/10/2021 07:56

I don't understand this thread, admittedly I haven't rtft but usually when I read step mother/child threads on here the sm is being somewhat unreasonable and gets a flaming saying how step mothers are horrible etc. Now OP comes along and sounds a lovely sm and she gets a flaming too?!

Will the children be opening the presents at the same time? It would be sad to the baby with much more than the older child especially as they get older and both children start to notice.

Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 07:59

@decafforme we always have my SS for part of Christmas Day so yes there would be presents at the same time. Also when we got to visit family after Christmas presents will be given and both children will be there. Obviously the baby won't notice, but I'm sure my SS will.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 08:00

peonyrose87
I split with dd's father before she was born and her dad got together with his now wife before her first birthday. She also has half siblings from his first marriage. That's her family. She never knew me and her dad together. But it doesn't stop her understanding.

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 08:05

Oh and the hypothetical question was to help you understand where your family and other posters here are coming from.
It is relevant because it is a situation that relates directly to families - biological and otherwise.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 08:12

[quote peonyrose87]@SmileySandwich as said before, they all see my SS as often as they see my DD. Family events are done as a family unit, we plan things around when we have my SS[/quote]
That seems fine for now but watch out as baby gets older. They are with you 100% of the time so it doesn't send a great message to say no you can't do anything exciting without DSC here too

LublinToDublin · 07/10/2021 08:13

decafforme

I don't understand this thread, admittedly I haven't rtft but usually when I read step mother/child threads on here the sm is being somewhat unreasonable and gets a flaming saying how step mothers are horrible etc. Now OP comes along and sounds a lovely sm and she gets a flaming too?!

Of you had rtft you'd see that OP has been universally praised for her step parenting.

The debate is around expectations on the wider step relations

GermioneHranger · 07/10/2021 08:13

I was a step child (from age 3) then my sister was born when I was 6. Growing up I obviously got presents from my mum and her new husband, and my dad and his new wife, then grandparents on both sides etc. My sister (from my mums second marriage) didn't get presents really from my dad but did get slightly higher value presents from my stepdads side of the family. If I'm honest, by the time I was an age to notice I was an age to understand that I was still lucky because I got double presents from both families - IMO it pretty much evened out! Now we're both in our 20s and there is absolutely no ill feeling about any of these things that happened when we were children, and we have a great sibling relationship.

Personally, I think £10 perhaps is slightly mean, however excitement for first baby can be really high, and people might be putting more of their budget that way. If it was me, I'd let it slide and not mention it for the first Christmas - then next year keep an eye on the situation and see if it evens out Smile

You sound lovely to have even been concerned about this, I'm not sure where some of these posters have come from - having your SCs best interests in your mind even when you've got a new baby is lovely to see!

Lollypop701 · 07/10/2021 08:19

I get if op and dh split they may not see dss again… but personally I couldn’t treat him differently whilst he was part of my family. I could not look at him whilst he opened a vastly different priced gift as he would be aware. I’d let it go this year, and explain it as baby first year excitement, but would have a word that the budget moving forward should be similar and I’d accept that if budget for nieces is 40 and dss is 10 its fine for 25 ish each.

Original poster
peonyrose87 · 07/10/2021 08:28

@SmileySandwich that won't be the case, we do plenty without SS, but our families live three hours away so generally if we see them we do it as a whole family so that we get to see everyone!

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 08:52

Or is baby somehow more important to the grandparents
Yes it is baffling how that could "somehow" happen, isn't it? Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2021 09:35

@peonyrose87

With all due respect just because he has a mum and a family on that side does not invalidate our family and love for him. Excuse me for wishing that our children are treated the same. I forgot Mumsnet is very anti stepmums🙄
It's not just anti stepmum posters who feel this way OP. I AM a step parent and I think it's absolutely horrendous to put these expectations on family. You simply cannot pressure people into forcing this connection, just because you have chosen to. Far better to simply be grateful for the relationship they do have with him, and to raise him to understand his situation so that he is not confused. If you don't do that last part, then you will be setting him up for inevitable hurt. If he has an involved mother and other side of the family then there is nothing stopping him from understanding that this is not a snub, he just has slightly different relatives to his half sibling. And that's ok. He will only be upset if you confuse him by raising him to believe the family situation is something it isn't.
Bananarama21 · 07/10/2021 09:37

It's not down to your family to view you step son in the same way you view him, he will by your own admission get stuff from his dm and her extended family. Your child only has two sides of the family, a token gift is more than fair in this situation.

Bananarama21 · 07/10/2021 09:43

My son doesn't remember a time before dh or his sm were there however he understands how he gets double than his other siblings on both sides and if the step grandparents want to spend abit more on their grandchilsren that's fine he also aware that he gets 2 Christmases, 2 birthdays and 2 holidays, it's unrealistic to expect him to get the same amount of sm family and dh family otherwise he gets 4 times the amount than the other dc. You can't force a connection it totally different seeing your daughter carry a baby and give birth to then meeting a child who has a different mother.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 09:46

@Lollypop701

I get if op and dh split they may not see dss again… but personally I couldn’t treat him differently whilst he was part of my family. I could not look at him whilst he opened a vastly different priced gift as he would be aware. I’d let it go this year, and explain it as baby first year excitement, but would have a word that the budget moving forward should be similar and I’d accept that if budget for nieces is 40 and dss is 10 its fine for 25 ish each.
I think the ‘if they split’ is irrelevant. My parents might never see my dh again if we split, it certainly doesn’t mean theyve kept him at a careful arms length for the 20 years we’ve been together. He’s one of the family.