Christmas presents

[peonyrose87]

I've been in my stepson's life for 4.5 years now, married his dad this year and we have a 8 month old baby.

My family have always been kind to my stepson, but now that I have a baby of my own, I'm noticing they don't treat him as-well as the baby which is upsetting me. Christmas is coming up and a few family members have messaged to ask what the baby wants and have a fairly high budget, and then what my step son wants to a very low budget. I feel that especially now we're married, my stepson should be treated the same, but how do I explain this without upsetting people? They've always bought him gifts for Christmas and birthdays but obviously now that there is a difference in budget to the baby I see that they don't think of him the same. He is very much "our son" and I would never want him to be treated otherwise.

How do you all manage this? Thanks!

I think it’s lovely that you want them to be treated the same and I agree. Children from the same family, step or full should be treated the same within the family.

@Cherry4weans thank you. Very much do nothing to outshine mum, I know I'm not his mum, and his dad is the main caregiver in this house, but he is my family too and he's my daughter's brother. We don't do "half siblings", not on either side as he has sisters on his mums side too.

I can see both sides & I know my Mum would spoil any step dc I had, and accept them as part of our family, but I also know that in your situation she'd spoil the baby even more. She'd buy DSS something really nice that he wanted, but she'd buy the baby the moon in a stick as well snd I can't honestly say I'd blame her.

It's not black & white at all and I think you should leave it for now, because there's no way DSS would be able to compare his presents to Dd's.

Tackle it IF it becomes an obvious issue in the years to come.

Saying anything now would make me feel
'Sod you, how rude'

@peonyrose87 I wasn't piling on. I actually said I'm all for what you want.
I was just offering an alternative viewpoint. Sorry if it was taken as an attack it was not what I intended at all honestly.

@FWBNC thanks. Like I said, I've not said anything and I'm fine with not saying anything yet, as I can see the excitement about the baby, I just wanted advice on tackling it and other people's experiences.

@peonyrose87

Honestly, what a shit person I am for not wanting my SS to feel he's getting left out of things. I haven't mentioned anything to my family yet, I was just wondering what other people did in these situations. Clearly no one else accepts stepchildren the way we do

Oh give over.

You think rather a lot of yourself!

It would do you well to read the posts and at least TRY to understand other peoples view points, if you just want to be told your the best step mother ever, best trot over to the huns!!

You're verging on drama llama Country. You have had some really good responses. Read them and do some thinking. He's not your son. He's your step son. He's your partner's / husband's son. If your family are coming for Christmas and spending a quid in the pound shop, you have an issue. If they are buying him a gift that isn't as extravagant as your your new born, the problem is yours.

Cross posted.

I'm sorry about my last post, it was a bit snappy.

But honestly, your family is allowed to feel differently about your child snd your step child because there IS a difference. As long as they treat him nicely that's all that matters!!

It doesn't need to be 100% equal! Because he's getting part of his 100% from other people...

Let them care about him & love him genuinely, not forced by you.

If he feels accepted & loved the price of the gifts won't matter.

I have to be honest and say I wouldn’t feel the same, I don’t think, about a step grandchild. As I would a grandchild. It’s a different relationship. If I’m honest I’d see it more as a niece/nephew vs my own child.

Given he will be receiving presents from dad, mum, and all of their family, I do think you're being unreasonable to assume they also get the same from a third family group. They are still including him, and it sounds like you're making more of this than needs be.

@Bigeggsinapackoften honestly if they treated him like a niece/nephew that would be fine! But even my nieces are getting a lot more spent on them than him. He's been given a £10 budget while they are on £40 and my baby is much higher than that too. That's what's annoying me. But as I've said previously, I've not said anything to them and likely won't, I just wanted some advice. The general consensus is to suck it up and be happy he's getting anything so I will do that.

My family and friends buy token gifts for DSD because they don't know her that well and she only vaguely knows who several of them are. Very different to my DS.
Also, she has fortunes lavished on her by her own family so she doesn't want or need everyone I know to be giving her even more so that I can polish my halo at how "equal" everything is.

"he doesn't need you"

OMG. Classic Mumsnet.

I'm in your situation this year OP... new baby boy plus a 12 year old DSD.

My family have of course spoiled my DSD over the years with nice Christmas presents, and I'm sure they'll do the same again. We have her 50% of the time, and she is completely part of the furniture, likely will be there at my parents for Christmas dinner, comes on extended family holidays, etc.

However - she gets bloody TONS at Christmas as it is - as she gets a 'big' present from her mum and stepdad, and then another 'big' present from her dad and I, plus all the usual grandparent gifts, and gifts from her wider biological family, PLUS any nice gifts from my wider family & her stepdad's wider family. Her friends (who's parents are still together) have commented on how lucky she is and how unfair this is, as when most kids get, for example, a computer as their main Christmas present from mum and dad... she might get a computer at one house (from her mum and stepdad) and a PlayStation at the other (from her dad and I).

I know without a shadow of a doubt that my parents are not going to even begin to try to equate the gifts they buy for my baby with the gift (likely singular, albeit generous,) they buy for DSD. And that's more than ok - DSD has her own grandparents to spoil her, plus double gifts from her parents / stepparents because her parents are not together. My own DS, as he grows up, will actually more than likely notice he doesn't get as much overall at Christmas as his step-sister, as while we will treat both kids the same under our roof, my DS will only have one house and no step-parents and additional wider families to contribute to gift giving!!

I don't see how you could demand that gifts from your wider family be equal - to me it would come across as rude if I received a message along those lines about gifts I was buying, and it's really not necessary at all from your stepchild's perspective. (Nor is it particularly appropriate, in my view.) As long as in your own house you're treating them equally, I don't think you need to get into trying to go beyond that.

@TemporaryNameGame very much so.

@crabette thanks and I do see your points. I haven't demanded anything, I simply expressed some feelings on here and wondered what others have done. Ive not spoken to any family or mentioned anything of this to them. I've also not said the budget should be the exact same at all but it's very much my SS is getting a token gift from most of my family, while my baby will be getting heaps and that makes me uncomfortable. I'm clearly just being over sensitive and will analyse how I feel.

@peonyrose87 Sorry, demand is a strong word! I didn't mean that to come across harshly, I did pick up that you hadn't done anything about this yet and were just looking for advice on early feelings.

It is a hard situation if you think they are small token gifts generally for SS... what is your family's relationship like with your SS?

To be honest it's really my parents and my sister who buy substantial gifts for DSD, though their budget is normally similar to what they'd buy for other family members. DSD then might get a small 'token' gift from various wider family, but she doesn't have real relationships with them, and they obviously aren't biologically related, so I have always viewed those as generous extras.

I suppose I might notice a difference this year if wider family who might give DSD a 'token' gift of a book or something, then gift DS a something much more substantial... which is probably likely. But again, I think it's probably understandable, and Christmas will still likely balance more in DSD's favour overall, so not something to really focus on too much.

It's probably a good lesson for the kids anyway, that they have a blended family and each have relatives distinct from the other, as well as shared family.

Are you worried about this in advance because you feel like your SS isn't particularly accepted as a core part of your family as things stand, in other ways?

@crabette thanks.

They see him just as much as they see my DD, we don't live close by to either of our families so we plan things as a whole family unit rather than when he's not with us. They see us all once a month roughly, and have known him since he was 18 months so a long time.

It seems most people think this is the norm for gifts etc so I will just change how I think about it all. As you said, he will always end up with more in the end.

You mean well, but, he's not the same. And - he will end up with more as he has his mums side and your DC just has you guys?

I say this as a child from "broken home" here (from age 5, new sibling arrived when I was 8) - always knew we weren't the same, always accepted it. There's pros and cons.

What happens when your stepsons mum takes him on holiday? Are you going to take your DC on a separate holiday alone to even if out? It just simply won't work like this and it will be many occasions and many years of these examples - I'm sorry.

All you can do is treat the kids under your roof the same when they are under your roof. You can't expect to dictate how family feel. The most you can do is decline the gifts for them both altogether if you really aren't comfortable.

Fair treatment is not necessarily "equal".

I think that it is important that gifts are what people choose to give. You cannot mandate how much anyone chooses to spend on any other person.

At this stage, neither child is likely to be aware of any differences or disparities. If you feel that there will be a significant numerical difference, you can pick up a few extra token gifts for the older child.

An alternative is to ask you family to save some of the gifts and to give them as a Birthday present to your baby. He will have a Birthday in a few months ,and at that point only the baby will be receiving gifts.

I feel for you getting such a hard time. I haven't read all the comments as I got annoyed.

Personally you sound like the type of step mum I would have loved growing up. Yes I had a mum who I lived with the majority of tge time and full time later on. Why because I was never made to feel welcome at my dad's and stepmums.

I will say I have noticed the people like to spend more on first christmas and birthdays. So could be that?

If you have the balls to why not add budget together and then spilt? So say baby was £70 and step child £20 make a suggests of £45 gifts?

I can understand some things(big inheritance or similar) being done different for each child but christmas and birthday presents should be roughly equal on my view.

I think you sound lovely. I am so grateful that my husband’s family have always treated my children from my first marriage as their grandchildren.

I have a step nephew. I spend the same amount on him as our other niece and nephews. You could try speaking with your family but I suppose you can’t really tell them how much to spend on who.

You sound like a nice step mum though and that’s what will matter more than other people trying to highlight the difference between your child and your step son.

I’m often shocked at just how negative people on this site can be towards stepmums. But my goodness, if there ever was a thread that proves stepmums can’t do right for doing wrong this is it!!

Honestly we can’t win

If you’d posted that you think your relatives should spend less on your stepson, you would have been told he should be treated equally 😂