SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

@Doyoumind

What clarity does the 'bio' bring? Mum is perfectly clear. It's a redundant adjective which is added to try and level off the difference between a mum and a step mum. And OP has elevated herself from dad's girlfriend to step mum to boot. Even if the OP doesn't realise or accept it, there's something to be read into the terms used.

They are both just terms used aren't they? You're picking at her to make her look bad by using two widely accepted terms. You're also picking that she's "elevated" herself when in reality being married makes not a shit of difference to how much you might step parent or not, not in this day and age. I think we all know that, but you like to make a point of it to belittle her.

There is something be read into those picking at the terms used, far more than the terms themselves.

Op made an innocent mistake. Other posters on the other hand know exactly what they're doing and it happens time and time again. Who does it reflect worse on, do we think?

The mistake maker, or the bullies?

I'd want to know if a term I used upset others, but each to their own.

Ignore the rude responses OP from the first wives club.

Whilst your SC is in the care of his Dad for his 50% of the week and if during that time, he asks you to collect your SC from school, there is fuck all the mum can do about it.

I genuinely don't understand why any parent would not want their DC to have a good relationship with their step parent? There are some bitter people out there.

@howtodealwithit

I'd want to know if a term I used upset others, but each to their own.

The issue here is that it's not actually a recognised offensive term anywhere but here. Lots of forums use it and it's unusual that this one does not.

Even so, if you wanted to express your upset about the use of the term, there are ways to do it which do not verve on abuse, no? There are repeat posters here who I am sure lurk on this board in the hope someone trips up so they can give them a good kicking.

Also, if I was a mum or an ex who was both a) offended by the term and b) absolutely no help at all to a step parent op I would probably just stay away from this board.

Where was I abusive @Getyourarseofffthequattro ?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I disagree, I don't think they are widely accepted terms. As I said above the term was historically used to describe absent parent(s) who had not raised their children - instead they were raised by nonbiological parents.

And obviously as seen on here it is jarring to people who do raise their children.

Bio mum/Step mum levels the playing field and is only ever used by non bio parents on here. You would never here a bio mother calling her self self a bio mother because she knows she is just 'mum'.

Maybe girlfriends and partners/new wives should just also stick to that too..

Abuse??

Honestly op it must be tough, and I am sure you are just trying to help but you're not the little boys Mum, you're his Dad's partner. His mum won't see you as a step mum. Maybe she will in time, especially if you marry her ex but for now that's probably not how she sees you. It's perfectly understandable she just wants to deal with her ex. I am sure you adore her son and would do anything for him. Give it time, and don't push it. Let your partner step up, and if he can't, then it should be the little boys mum for now.

I think there's a rather big difference when someone says "hey this terms offensive because of x" and OP says "I'm sorry didn't mean any harm and I won't use it again" and the matter being resolved.

Vs

To people god knows how many comments in, ignoring the fact the OP has already apologised for using the term and bring it up again and again as a way to feel superior, shame the op or appear like a big person. Repeatedly going but I'm offended.

The former is what should happen. The latter is what's happened here, repeatedly.

Be offended and feel free to educate people on word terminationolgy , but she's apologised, said she made a mistake and hasn't used it since.

Tell me what after the above, are you looking for ? A had written note in OPs blood apologising to all the people who read some words on the internet and got offended.

If the apology and her saying she made a mistake isn't enough can some answer me what is ? Or is it less about educating someone on a word and more about being someone down to your own level of misery?

I bet some of you shared on your facebooks too, to anyone who's struggling mentally my inbox is always open 🙄

Honestly some of you should be shamed of yourselves , it's also shocking that some of you doing this bullying also are raising children. The circle ⭕️ has to start somewhere I suppose...

I think the people still discussing it are responding to others who asked “what’s the problem with bio mum/you’re just bitter/golden uterus etc” rather than having a continuous pop at OP. Maybe wrong. Thread is too long to re read all the posts.

@MrsRobbieHart

I think the people still discussing it are responding to others who asked “what’s the problem with bio mum/you’re just bitter/golden uterus etc” rather than having a continuous pop at OP. Maybe wrong. Thread is too long to re read all the posts.

Exactly

[quote ohstopityourmakingitup]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I disagree, I don't think they are widely accepted terms. As I said above the term was historically used to describe absent parent(s) who had not raised their children - instead they were raised by nonbiological parents.

And obviously as seen on here it is jarring to people who do raise their children.

Bio mum/Step mum levels the playing field and is only ever used by non bio parents on here. You would never here a bio mother calling her self self a bio mother because she knows she is just 'mum'.

Maybe girlfriends and partners/new wives should just also stick to that too..[/quote]
On step parenting forums they are widely accepted terms.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Ignore the rude responses OP from the first wives club.

Whilst your SC is in the care of his Dad for his 50% of the week and if during that time, he asks you to collect your SC from school, there is fuck all the mum can do about it.

I genuinely don't understand why any parent would not want their DC to have a good relationship with their step parent? There are some bitter people out there.

Later update, op advises they don't have him 50%. They don't have him any week day

Given op lied about that. She probably lied about a whole lot more. Might not be true at all.

Or maybe 'the first wife' or rather mother is pissy that he hasn't done much and now pushing for his girlfriend to pick the child up on days, they don't even have him.

Or have decided now op is in the picture, he will try for 50:50 and the mum isn't happy. For good reason.

@MrsRobbieHart

I think the people still discussing it are responding to others who asked “what’s the problem with bio mum/you’re just bitter/golden uterus etc” rather than having a continuous pop at OP. Maybe wrong. Thread is too long to re read all the posts.

But it's the same posters every time giving each new op a kicking. On all the step parenting posts there is a gang of nasty posters who never offer any constructive advice they just come to stick the boot in. Again, it says a lot more about their lives than anyone elses.

Oh. I didn’t realise that. Have you reported this to MN?

Yes, I have, several times over many years. Nothing is ever done about it. Freedom of speech to be a horrible twat is fine apparently.

But there are also posters on here who have hated being a step mum and dealing with the mother of their SDC who come and bash mums.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes, I have, several times over many years. Nothing is ever done about it. Freedom of speech to be a horrible twat is fine apparently.

Well that’s MN all over tbh. Not restricted to the step parenting board.

@Doyoumind

But there are also posters on here who have hated being a step mum and dealing with the mother of their SDC who come and bash mums.

Mhm, a very, very small minority and I personally have not witnessed any step mum's coming on to the step parenting forum to "bash mum's". I mean it would be a bizarre choice what with it being a step parenting forum, and not a forum exclusively for mums who are seperated or divorced.

@MrsRobbieHart

I think the people still discussing it are responding to others who asked “what’s the problem with bio mum/you’re just bitter/golden uterus etc” rather than having a continuous pop at OP. Maybe wrong. Thread is too long to re read all the posts.

Yup

Yes @MrsRobbieHart but that doesn't make it right. I mean yeah AIBU can be a vile place, but relationships for instance is very supportive. You know you can post about your husband / kids / friend issues and get a relatively decent amount of advice and support. You don't get that here. The only certainty in posting on the step parenting board is that you will get an absolute roasting.

I have to disagree with you there. There are certainly arseholes on the relationship board too.

On step parenting forums they are widely accepted term.

Yeah I bet @Getyourarseofffthequattro

@Doyoumind

But there are also posters on here who have hated being a step mum and dealing with the mother of their SDC who come and bash mums.

I have yet to see a post without some of the same repeat offenders being really nasty on a post. Sometimes when the MH of the OP is clearly at risk with some of the comments which are on the whole downright cruel and often completely off topic.

What you say maybe true but it's far less than the above. The above classic case of whatabotism which it's meant to distract from the fact bullying others esp SM weirdly not SD is not only ok but a acceptable fact on this board