SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

But many people have also given the op sensible advice, such as to look at why she feels the need to prompt her husband to do basic childcare, or why she thinks he is exempt from organising dentists visits and it is by default the mother’s job. There are bigger issues than op mistakenly using the term bio mum (which she has accepted was not the correct term).

@Kanaloa

But many people have also given the op sensible advice, such as to look at why she feels the need to prompt her husband to do basic childcare, or why she thinks he is exempt from organising dentists visits and it is by default the mother’s job. There are bigger issues than op mistakenly using the term bio mum (which she has accepted was not the correct term).

And yet there not one page on the comments that isn't mentioning the bio comment. It's the volume drowns out the more sensible and at least on topic comments.

Weird that on a board where the priority should be to focus on the kids and getting dynamics right, that SM and mums are somehow pitted against each other.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes *@MrsRobbieHart* but that doesn't make it right. I mean yeah AIBU can be a vile place, but relationships for instance is very supportive. You know you can post about your husband / kids / friend issues and get a relatively decent amount of advice and support. You don't get that here. The only certainty in posting on the step parenting board is that you will get an absolute roasting.

I think its primarily because MN is forum used by mothers - regardless that there are many non parents ect who use it.

The step parenting board still comes up in active conversations and they do draw people (mothers) in. After all it could be some one talking about their kids.

Weird that on a board where the priority should be to focus on the kids and getting dynamics right, that SM and mums are somehow pitted against each other I don't think it's weird at all. I think its just basic human nature. When another woman (or man) is involved in raising some one else's offspring there will always be conflict.

It does sound like op has somewhat pitted herself against the mum though, unwittingly. It would do well to ignore silly comments and focus on the important things, such as why op felt the need to contact mum and ask if they should take the child to the dentist, instead of asking her husband ‘when are you taking your son to the dentist?’ OP has accepted that bio mum was the wrong phrase, and just mum is fine.

@54321nought

Rubbish with parental consent a stepparent (or anyone else for that matter) can do pick ups etc. During the fathers time he can give permission without his ex's permission and vice versa. It sounds like the mother is feeling very threatened.

I have permission now to collect and information about dp's dd - her mother has no issues at all I should add

The step parenting board still comes up in active conversations and they do draw people (mothers) in. After all it could be some one talking about their kids

Of course it could, but many of these mother's have zero experience of step parenting and a massive axe to grind. It's an outlet for their anger at their ex or their exs partner. They see this board as fair game because their child has a step parent, and yes, that's fine if they actually have constructive advice or want to give support, but many come here simply because their ex is a twat and they want someone to have a go at.

@ohstopityourmakingitup

Weird that on a board where the priority should be to focus on the kids and getting dynamics right, that SM and mums are somehow pitted against each other I don't think it's weird at all. I think its just basic human nature. When another woman (or man) is involved in raising some one else's offspring there will always be conflict.

Idk tbh people say nasty stuff under the guise of being what's best for the kid but often it's a projection of their own issues on some unsuspecting OP and rarely helpful other than to shame.

I'm a mum, SM and SD, these aren't separate personalities of mine, and personally I think there should be more common ground found.

Especially on posts where it's clear it's the dad being rubbish and a Disney dad and yet somehow it's still the womens fault.
We don't need men to suppress us, they just take over as we are all bickering between each other.

Just my opinion obviously

Op has definitely pitted herself against the mum. She mentioned the child hasn't seen a dentist and doesn't really get interaction through play and is 'troubled'. She also claimed they had the child 50:50.

Then changed the story. When people pointed out the dad could take the child to the dentist and should be interacting with the child. All of sudden they don't have him week days. So it's not the dps fault.

If my child's other parent did the bare minimum, of one night out of 14 and his girlfriend started calling and wanting to know when he last saw a dentist, I would be pissed off too.

Either the dp has him 50:50 and its both parents that are not (in ops opinion) meeting the children's needs. Or they have the child bare minimum and blaming the mum, for not keeping up with stuff, when the father provides minimal practical support.

And in all fairness, my kids have their first dentist appointment since November 2019, this week. Between lockdowns, them not doing check ups, cancellations due to staff isolating or having covid, then ds having covid, they haven't seen one. And my mum, thankfully, is taking them as I can't get out of work on the only day I could get them in.

The op assumes she is the only one that's doing learning and play. Because her dp doesn't. She has no idea if the mother does. Again, working on an assumption, based on her dps poor parenting. But still absolving him.

Op is actually been incredibly unfair on the mother and caused much of this situation, herself.

And I say this as a step mum and as someone whose kids have had a step mum. I have never had an issue with the woman exh introduces to the kids. I think its too fast, but I don't blame the women for that. I can't stop exh. It makes my life easier, to be on good terms with the women. But then non have tried to absolve him of responsibility for parenting while questioning me and my parenting. If they did, I can imagine we would not be on good terms.

As a step mother I do not be getting involved in parenting issues. The child has a mother and a father and I personally feel you can befriend these children and care for them but please don't act like a mother, it's not fair on the child's mum to feel replaced and it's confusing for children.
My son goes to his dad, he has a gf who likes to have her say but I've firmly made it clear that I am his mum and she must not "play" mum. I'm happy for her to care for him, befriend him etc but sports days and talking to the school is for the parents. You've only known this child for a very short time in the grand scheme of things. Give it 10 years and you may be invited to sports days but maybe have your own children if you feel the need to "mother" this child.

The op assumes she is the only one that's doing learning and play. Because her dp doesn't. She has no idea if the mother does. Again, working on an assumption, based on her dps poor parenting. But still absolving him.

Different people have different priorities in educating/training/raising small children. My early childhood was incredibly disrupted, and I was passed from hand to hand. Somebody taught me to read by 18 months, someone else had me running around doing little errands, another had me picking beans, shelling peas and sorting washing and then I was put to work minding babies! All in the name of turning me into a useful member of society And many of those people I never saw again - so I think you can fret too much about achieving idyllic childhoods.

@Theunamedcat

Gosh back away you dont need to parent this child he does and she does

Jesus there really is no pleasing some people on here - people are usually deemed NOT to making them part of the family or they are trying to make them TOO much of the family . @Spagz ignore the bitter mothers on here and go with what your H says . Sadly there are mothers who want to dictate what happens even in the time they are not with them .

@Couldhavebeenme3 I’ve predominantly worked in early childhood education but have also worked in primary schools and the legalities in my country are that you can not legally hand over children to any person that either parent who has legal guardianship has stated in writing that is not to be allowed to collect the children. And it doesn’t vary according to which household the child is staying in on any given week.

If that is not the same in the Uk then I take it back. But have you actually fact checked it?

NeverAgain123456
How is it offensive in the slightest? It’s a factual comment - the bio mum not the step mum.

@NeverAgain123456 Because bio mum usually refers to a mum who has no legal guardianship over the child or children. For example when they have put their baby or child/ren up for adoption. In this case it is not factual at all.

So many posts claiming that there is an anti step mum brigade? Where? I haven’t seen any evidence of that. However, there have been plenty of anti mum comments including the woman with the golden uterus comment.

So much hate towards mums on here. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you like it if your ex was playing the victim with his girlfriend and making out that you are some unreasonable bitch who is also a bad mum? How would you like it if that girlfriend started treating you like an enemy and treated you like a bad mum?

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for men to pit women against each other Us women have a long way to go in fighting for equality. We are making it that much harder for ourselves by being hateful bitches to one another.

I know everyone is debating other stuff now, but I am so, so bored of hearing of these streams of men who delegate and outsource their parenting responsibilities to their new partners.

OP, I want to back you as step parents get such a hard time on here. However, you're being a mug firstly and doing too much too quickly with your boyfriend's kid. You'll live to regret that one day unless you back off a bit (and I can see that you have said that you will). If I was the kid's mum I would probably be a bit worried that you were enjoying 'playing house' with my kid and that if you and your boyfriend split up given that it's still early days he could have a stream of girlfriends all fulfilling the same role in turn.

Weird that on a board where the priority should be to focus on the kids and getting dynamics right, that SM and mums are somehow pitted against each other

Funnily enough, my children don’t refer to me as their biological mother, their birth mum or anything else that has a prefix before mummy/mum/mother. Yet it’s perfectly fine for their step mother to refer to me in any which way she pleases, regardless of how it might make my children feel? Moreover, we are living in a world where we can choose our own pronouns and people with a penis can call themselves a woman of it suits them to do so. And yet a mummy/mum/mother must have a prefix because step mum says so and any mummy/mum/mother who doesn’t like it has to accept they’re just bitter? You can’t do a bit better than this?

@Oceanbliss

So many posts claiming that there is an anti step mum brigade? Where? I haven’t seen any evidence of that. However, there have been plenty of anti mum comments including the woman with the golden uterus comment.

So much hate towards mums on here. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you like it if your ex was playing the victim with his girlfriend and making out that you are some unreasonable bitch who is also a bad mum? How would you like it if that girlfriend started treating you like an enemy and treated you like a bad mum?

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for men to pit women against each other Us women have a long way to go in fighting for equality. We are making it that much harder for ourselves by being hateful bitches to one another.

You haven't seen any evidence of that? Are you blind or can you not read?

[quote Oceanbliss]@Couldhavebeenme3 I’ve predominantly worked in early childhood education but have also worked in primary schools and the legalities in my country are that you can not legally hand over children to any person that either parent who has legal guardianship has stated in writing that is not to be allowed to collect the children. And it doesn’t vary according to which household the child is staying in on any given week.

If that is not the same in the Uk then I take it back. But have you actually fact checked it?[/quote]
It is not the same in the uk.

@Getawaywithit

Weird that on a board where the priority should be to focus on the kids and getting dynamics right, that SM and mums are somehow pitted against each other

Funnily enough, my children don’t refer to me as their biological mother, their birth mum or anything else that has a prefix before mummy/mum/mother. Yet it’s perfectly fine for their step mother to refer to me in any which way she pleases, regardless of how it might make my children feel? Moreover, we are living in a world where we can choose our own pronouns and people with a penis can call themselves a woman of it suits them to do so. And yet a mummy/mum/mother must have a prefix because step mum says so and any mummy/mum/mother who doesn’t like it has to accept they’re just bitter? You can’t do a bit better than this?

But nobody is saying "bio mum" in RL. It's an anonymous internet forum. It won't upset your children because they literally wouldn't have a clue. If a step mum reffered to you to your children as bio mum, by all means have a problem with it but that is not what is happening here is it?

[quote Hekatestorch]@DancesWithTortoises

I think the father can decide as well. No matter the split in time. He is their father and has that right, even if the step mum haters don't like it.

The father can decide the step mum is picking the kids up from school even though he never has the child mid week? Seriously?

These aren't little children, they are old enough to say if they want to go.

Are you on the right thread? The child is 4.

I do think she needs to be put in her place but the kids will do that when they see through

Or the child will realise their dad could be arsed and almed them off on his girlfriend when he did have them one night every 2 weeks.

Again are you on the right thread? Because there's one child who is 4. Who doesn't see their father week days. So exactly how can he decide who picks up the child from school.

And no parents who only see their child 1 night out of 14, doesn't get to decide they are just having 50:50. They don't get to decide their partner is picking the child up from school just because they say so.

You are either on the wrong thread, or projecting something from your own life onto this.

Its actually you that sounds bitter. I actually said, the mother can't do anything about the childcare arranged on his days. But his days don't include and week days. You know....school days.[/quote]
@Hekatestorch

The father can decide the step mum is picking the kids up from school even though he never has the child mid week? Seriously?

Yes. It's the law. He has parental responsibility and he decides who collects the child on his watch. There will come a time when he does have DC in the week. As well to establish now how it's going to be.

Are you on the right thread? The child is 4.

Old enough to decide if they want to go with step parent. Or to step parent's house. Not on a round the world trip, just to their other home.

They don't get to decide their partner is picking the child up from school just because they say so.

Again - if they do have the child midweek they can decide exactly that.

I read it that he didn't have the child in the week because he couldn't collect her. That can change now.

I'm not in the least bitter or projecting. Married many, many years, just the once to someone who hadn't any children. I just hate to see the kicking step mothers get on here from bitter mothers. So when I see the spite, I respond.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro but why does it have to be used? Its an unnecessary prefix.

Its exactly the same as saying Tranwoman/cis woman. When really all females are women. No prefix needed. Mothers don't need a prefix either. Its interesting that its always Transwomen that use the prefix 'cis' just like step mothers use the prefix 'bio' because obviously they don't see the issue with it because Its not them being labelled.

And you seem to be brushing over the fact that 'Bio mother' was historically used as term to describe absent mothers who hadn't raised their children and they were being raised by adoptees, foster parents ect.. It reduces the mother to a womb and egg.

Thats why is jarring.

My children don't have a step mother but yes I would be a bit side eye if their dads new girlfriend started calling me 'bio mum' - regardless if step parent forums felt it was ok.

It’s not so much why “bio mum” has to be used but why certain people want to use it? Why is it so important to them they protect and assert their right to use it in this context?

@MrsRobbieHart

It’s not so much why “bio mum” has to be used but why certain people want to use it? Why is it so important to them they protect and assert their right to use it in this context?

Because it levels the playing field.

'mum' is undeniable and put the mother in top position.

bio mum/step mum put them both on even footing.

Yes. It's the law. He has parental responsibility and he decides who collects the child on his watch. There will come a time when he does have DC in the week. As well to establish now how it's going to be

Its the law that a step parent can rock up to school and take the child.....on a day the her partner isn't responsible for the child. That's written in law?

Who says there will come a time when he does have mid week day? He hasn't bothered to now. Op says they don't have him week days. Saying there will come a time when he does have 50:50, with nothing to back it up is ridiculous. I might as well say 'OP clearly, posted this trying to work out if they could do 50:50, even though her partner doesn't want it because she has a weird obsession with mothering this child'

Both would be plucking information out of thin air

Old enough to decide if they want to go with step parent. Or to step parent's house. Not on a round the world trip, just to their other home.

No they aren't. At 4, if this goes to a family hearing, the outcome could be something the child hasn't expressed. While a 4 year old can express and opinion, their opinion isn't the be all and end all.

Again - if they do have the child midweek they can decide exactly that

But they don't.

I read it that he didn't have the child in the week because he couldn't collect her. That can change now.

You think the mother should agree to a changes in the routine and give up majority care, because he has a girlfriend. Even if she feels its not what's best for her child? If we are just making stuff up, I imagine the mother knows the dp is a shit dad and isn't keen on handing the child over to be parented by his girlfriend only. She probably believes, this is genuinely not in the child's best interest.

And why couldn't he have him? Do single parents never have full time jobs?

The mother could have the child the majority of the time. Why couldn't he have the child more than only weekend days?

Or, if changing custody because you have a new partner, is the done thing, why is it only changing now. Why not have the child with them more for the last 6 months?

I'm not in the least bitter or projecting. Married many, many years, just the once to someone who hadn't any children. I just hate to see the kicking step mothers get on here from bitter mothers. So when I see the spite, I respond.

So why are you making stuff up? There's no multiple children. 4 year old opinions are not the be all and end all. Custody arrangements are not just changed because someone has a girlfriend and if they were, why now?

Could it be because now they won't have to pay for childcare week in and week out? And if op can pick the child up, they only have to do school holidays?

I actually, agree, if they did have the child 50:50 then it's up to him who picks the child up on his days.

But he doesnt have days with a school pick up.

Changing arrangements based on his relationship status is am awful idea. For the child.