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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

SC Bio-mum

278 replies

Spagz · 22/08/2021 21:53

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Cloverforever · 22/08/2021 21:56

Maybe try calling her mum rather than bio mum for a start?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 21:59

In the dc's df's time she doesn't get to dictate. Legally he can decide you can pick up the dc.. Unless a judge rules otherwise..

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/08/2021 21:59

Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants

Yes, back off. You are not his mum. He has a mum (not a bio mum). Why are you insisting on picking him up from school on your days?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2021 22:02

^ there it is. And so quick!

OP, it hasn’t been long and she doesn’t have to accept you after any length of time. But they have split residency so it’s up to your husband/partner to manage boundaries with his ex and she doesn’t get a say in how the two of you arrange life in your home. She can’t stop you picking him up on his dad’s days.

You don’t need to talk to teachers though, or go to sports days, help with homework. His dad can handle all that perfectly well. Be the fun one. Don’t get bogged down in the grunt work of family life, you might regret it.

Don’t think about it as her winning. If you step back from the drama you’ll be doing all of you a favour.

Theunamedcat · 22/08/2021 22:03

Gosh back away you dont need to parent this child he does and she does

Original poster

Spagz · 22/08/2021 22:08

Okay all, I just didn’t feel like I was letting the boy down as he needs a lot of support. I was going to pick him up as my partner works until 6pm and I only used bio-mum as this is my first post and I didn’t know the correct wording!

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 22/08/2021 22:10

You are essentially wanting to do the things that a parent with parental responsibility has. With the best will in the world, you aren't his parent..
I think you need to back off a little and let his father do the picking up and speaking to teachers.. Unless mum is completely out of the picture, there's no need to speak to his teachers etc.

Blendiful · 22/08/2021 22:18

If you want to and are happy to and he wants it, I really don’t see a problem. And don’t get why so many others do. If his dad can do it, great, if he can’t, and you are happy to why not? Where will he go on your days otherwise? He has to go to after school club cause his mum can’t just accept someone wants to help.

If she doesn’t have a genuine reason, then IMO she’s out of order. She’s trying to make things difficult for the sake of it, and spiting her child in the process.

But I agree if it’s shared residency on his dads days it’s up to his dad. If he has PR he can call the school himself and let them know you will be collecting on x days and that this is fine. If she has an issue with that, she can go to court and the judge can tell her in person to get a grip.

50/50 with shared PR doesn’t mean she gets to dictate anything. Your DP needs to stand up to her though and tell her as much.

ComeonJulia · 22/08/2021 22:25

You didn’t know the correct wording for someone’s mum?
Do you call your mum “hello bio mum”

You’ve known him 18 months, of course you don’t collect him from school, speak to teachers or attend sports day! If his dad works until 6pm then he goes to after school club / childminder or his mums collects him and dads gets him on the way home from work. You wouldn’t look after him for 3 hours between school and dad getting home alone, surely? You barely know him.

How soon after meeting did you marry? If you aren’t married you’re not even his stepmother, you’re dads girlfriend.

Back off.

Original poster

Spagz · 22/08/2021 22:26

I didn’t explain myself very well about the support the child needs. He is rather a troubled child and will be going straight on to a support plan when he starts school and we’ve already had meetings in place with his school about his behaviour. I like to sit down and play games such as rhyming ones and go through numbers or maybe try to write as I’m not sure anyone else does this with him. I know he’s never been to the dentist and so I asked her if she would like us to take him (in hindsight I should’ve got my partner to ask her) but I’m just worried about him. He needs as much support as he can get and he’s been apart of a view safeguarding incidents at nursery. My partner likes to have me there as I work in a safegaurding department so I know what support they can put in place. I just want him to be happy and the do the best he can!

OP posts:

ComeonJulia · 22/08/2021 22:27

That still isn’t your issue.
Aren’t you concerned about being with a man who seems to be failing his child? Why is it only mums responsibility to arrange dental appointments?

Blingstheway · 22/08/2021 22:33

As your dp has 50/50 care then it is up to him who picks up on those days. Also with speaking to the teachers, if they come out during pick up then surly you should take a message or have a chat about whatever has happened.

Why does she dislike you so much? Have you met in person?
With sports days etc, I wouldn’t be that bothered personally but I have my own dc.
My dp exw didn’t want me at a my dsc birthday party years ago (she thought it would be weird and she isn’t that confident) but my dp said he felt I should be there, I wanted to go, my dc wanted to go and my dsc wanted me there. So I went. It was fine and now we kind of get on.
Ultimately, if you’re building a life with your dp then You’re building it with your dsc in it and she needs to let go.
It’s hard watching your ex move on and include your dc with it but she does need to get over it.

This is a dp issue with his ex, he needs to put boundaries in place so she doesn’t dictate your life. His time with your dsc is up to him, her time is up to her. Otherwise it will be very hard to build your own life around it

Desario · 22/08/2021 22:34

I think all communication needs to go through your partner. You shouldn't really be asking her directly.

titchy · 22/08/2021 22:39

I like to sit down and play games such as rhyming ones and go through numbers or maybe try to write as I’m not sure anyone else does this with him. I know he’s never been to the dentist

So his father couldn't be arsed to do those things then? He sounds a catch....

Gingerkittykat · 22/08/2021 22:39

Have you been to the meetings at the school with your partner?

If your partner has his son then dental appointments are as much his responsibility as the mum. He should be the one doing the arranging and not you.

I've been both a stepmother and my child has had 2 stepmothers. You need to step back from parenting your stepson, no matter how much you care for him. You also don't have contact with the ex except in an emergency.

You will still be a part of his life but don't try and take on a parental role since he already has two parents.

Blingstheway · 22/08/2021 22:41

@ComeonJulia that’s a bit harsh. She’s trying to do her best.
I call my boyfriends dc my step children even though we’re not married. We own a house together, look after each others children and live as if we were married.
They call my dc their step siblings and me their step mum.

Having to be married is a very old fashioned way of thinking.
You wouldn’t call the child of unmarried parents a bastard anymore yet you seem to think that I would have to marry my bf to be a step parent to his dc.

Antwerpen · 22/08/2021 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ComeonJulia · 22/08/2021 22:44

@Blingstheway I don’t think I was harsh. I really don’t think after 18 months anybody has the right to attend their partners child’s school meetings or sports days.
Definitely shouldn’t be discussing medical appointments with the other parent.

54321nought · 22/08/2021 22:47

no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day.

You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

54321nought · 22/08/2021 22:49

Please don't use the term "bio mum". She isn't his bio mum, she is his mum.

A bio mum is a woman who's child has been formally adopted by an adopted mum, who at that point takes the title "mum".

candlelightsatdawn · 22/08/2021 22:49

@ComeonJulia

You didn’t know the correct wording for someone’s mum? Do you call your mum “hello bio mum”

How soon after meeting did you marry? If you aren’t married you’re not even his stepmother, you’re dads girlfriend.

Back off.

@ComeonJulia I mean your name tag is so appropriate. She's new, she got a word wrong and apologised come on and give your head a shake.

No she's not this little boys mum. But her partner is his dad and with 50/50 contact he sets the rules of what happens with his contact time, if the mum has a issue she can go to a judge and get laughed at .

I'm pretty sure the OP would have a discussion with her partner about this and he's agree it's the best course of action.

Just because the golden uterus has spoken doesn't mean she can dictate what happens on contact days that aren't hers.

On secondary note if you are starting to go down the where you the OW, how long have you been married. It's so blatant it's cringey. Please just don't.

Ahh the fun line of you can do all the drudge work re SC but you must put them above everything but don't you dare have real affection for the kid or your out of line 🤯

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2021 22:51

How would he manage without your professional expertise? Why isn’t he taking his son to the dentist? Why isn’t he taking the lead on playing and development? What childcare plans does he have in place around school hours that don’t rely on you doing it?

It’s 18 months, it’s early days OP. If you split up tomorrow you’d have no rights to ever see his son again. That’s the reality of step parenting especially when the child is so young. You shouldn’t care more or be more involved than the actual parents.

There are several things you’ve mentioned that she certainly can’t stop you doing but the real question still is why you insist on doing them.

I don’t think you will, but you need to question why you’re so involved at this early stage, why your boyfriend isn’t on top on basics like dental hygiene, and to take a big old step back.

candlelightsatdawn · 22/08/2021 22:51

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. She's apologised for using the turn BIO MUM, she new, she made a mistake.

Repeating it over and over is almost like you just want to set her alight and offer no real advice other than to bash her.

Desario · 22/08/2021 22:55

Yeah, I agree.. The bio mum drama does derail every step parenting thread it's mentioned in. It's irrelevant now.

OP.. It's mum and step mum.. That's all.
Hopefully everyone will stop jumping up and down on that now and you get some proper advice..

Armychefbethebest · 22/08/2021 22:57

Hi op I'm a stepmum too as well as a mum . I think its lovely you want to be a big part of your dss life do pick ups ect but it is very early days. It's great you sit and do things with him but the way you come across on here ' I dont think anyone else does this with him ' for instance if that were someone saying that with regards to my child I wouldnt be happy either .if that's how you come across to his mum this may be why her back is up so to speak .my stepson has asd hasn't long been diagnosed we all struggle at times it can be relentless. I kind of know his mum via friends and found a support group just messaged her told her I'd found it as it's a group for families as well as the kids and offered to go with her if she wanted she was happy to do that but I think it was more the delivery of my words i wasnt trying to take over and the mum may feel by you wanting involvement in school meetings , pick ups ect that's what you are trying to do , I'm not for one minute saying you are but it may come across that way. It's tough I get it but sometimes you need to take a step back and think how would I feel if a relatively new woman was trying to parent my child how do I communicate without it looking like I'm trying to take over. I think you need to take a massive step back and just enjoy him when he is with you for contact and let the mum do the mum stuff in her time .She may be comfortable with you doing pick ups in time but again op be careful what you wish for there is thread after thread on the step parent board about stepmum picking up a lot more than they should and resenting it. Good luck xx

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