SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

Please back off. Your heart seems to be in the right place but you are overstepping - he has a mum and a dad.

If I was you I'd be wondering why his dad hasn't dealt with a dentist etc.. surely this is a bit of a red flag?

So the person causing chaos on the thread was a PBP? Makes sense.

@Doyoumind

So the person causing chaos on the thread was a PBP? Makes sense.

Yes, this poster must have some very serious issues going on in her head.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it.

That's not true. The term hadn't been mentioned in a while in this thread. And then it was brought up by someone telling people they should shut up moaning about the term. Which started it all over again.

Gosh people can be so nasty on here.
OP, you need the parents to take the lead in parenting him.

There's no need to talk to his teachers.

It's fine to play with him help with homework if you want to, but what was your husband's plan to pick him from school if you weren't with him? His dad needs to step up and not leave it all up to you.

[quote Hekatestorch]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it.

That's not true. The term hadn't been mentioned in a while in this thread. And then it was brought up by someone telling people they should shut up moaning about the term. Which started it all over again.[/quote]
It is true and it happens on lots of step parenting threads.

I hate my ex’s wife. I think she’s a hideous human being and she is the last person I would want in my DCs life if I could choose. But it isn’t my choice, it’s his.

Him and her are a team, as are me and my partner and DC is parented by all of us, whether I or ex, like it or not.

I cannot understand why anyone would rather a child be in some sort of childcare provision than being cared for by someone who cares for them in their own home. This mum sounds territorial, it smacks of insecurity and isn’t in the best interests of the child.

OP just wants to be useful and involved. It’s a difficult balance but I’d rather my ex was with someone who cared (even if the motivation is only to look good to ex’s family in my case) than someone who said “not my kid not my problem”.

It makes my skin crawl that this woman I hate has anything to do with my DC. But my DC likes her, most of the time, and she does things with her that I wouldn’t do, which give my dc experiences they wouldn’t have without her, and similar with my partner.

Some of the responses in this thread are awful, and ultimately attitudes like these will only damage children in the long run.

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it

I don't think the OP has been abused. She used a term, posters objected and the conversation then started in a different direction for eg.. many people using it on step parenting boards, why mothers didn't like it, if people thought children would be bothered.

What your doing by calling people bullies is trying to shut the conversation down - one that you've been part of the whole of this thread @Getyourarseofffthequattro

The conversation had moved on quite a bit away from OP, its you that keep bringing it back top her.

So from me - just to clear up any misunderstandings and this isn't directed at the OP....

I'm not keen on the word bio mum to describe a resident parent. A word that very much has connotations with absent parents who never raised their children, just the same as 'birth mother'.

I don't have have a SM for my kids waiting in the wings, I'm not bitter, I just don't need a prefix. I am the kids mum. I think it says more that there are many anonymous step parenting boards that all apparently call the kids mums 'bio mums' . Its odd that's its only step mothers or girlfriends that use that term..

@ohstopityourmakingitup

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it

I don't think the OP has been abused. She used a term, posters objected and the conversation then started in a different direction for eg.. many people using it on step parenting boards, why mothers didn't like it, if people thought children would be bothered.

What your doing by calling people bullies is trying to shut the conversation down - one that you've been part of the whole of this thread @Getyourarseofffthequattro

The conversation had moved on quite a bit away from OP, its you that keep bringing it back top her.

So from me - just to clear up any misunderstandings and this isn't directed at the OP....

I'm not keen on the word bio mum to describe a resident parent. A word that very much has connotations with absent parents who never raised their children, just the same as 'birth mother'.

I don't have have a SM for my kids waiting in the wings, I'm not bitter, I just don't need a prefix. I am the kids mum. I think it says more that there are many anonymous step parenting boards that all apparently call the kids mums 'bio mums' . Its odd that's its only step mothers or girlfriends that use that term..

I'm not trying to shut the conversation down at all, I'm just sick and tired of the same posters just coming to say the same shit and offering no help or advice, just taking their hatred for their shit ex husband out on some poor op.

I don't know why other forums use it, i don't use them, it's just a fact that they do.

I agree that you don't need a pre fix, but I can't get het up about it because I am factually a biological mother and in RL it's just not something that ever happens. An internet forum ain't real life and we all refer to things differently here than we would to people's faces.

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it

I couldn't agree with this more. I really hate people piling in on posters who say Biomum.

On reddit biomum is always used in the way mum is used. For someone who uses different sites, they may not be aware of the acronyms.

They also use SKs (stepkids) and BKs (biokids). It's different terminology and if they're referring to an adoptive situation, they'll make that clear.

Is it only British people who choose to be offended? Are ALL Americans wrong? All of them...it's just different and and hardly worth getting in a flap about.

Common...let's not focus on three letters (bio) instead of the issue at hand.

I don't know why other forums use it, i don't use them, it's just a fact that they do

If you don’t use them, how could you possibly know?!

can't get het up about it because I am factually a biological mother and in RL it's just not something that ever happens

Ever? My children had a step mum who took great delight in telling my then 6 year old that ‘she’s just your biological mother. I’m your mummy now’. Can’t tell you the upset and confusion we had with that one. It happens.

Are ALL Americans wrong?

This is a UK- based site. I can’t get worked up about something culturally I have no knowledge of, not being North American and never having lived there. I don’t make a choice to be offended. It is offensive. Plenty of evidence of that just in your post. Why can’t I just be my child’s mum?

@Getawaywithit

Are ALL Americans wrong?

This is a UK- based site. I can’t get worked up about something culturally I have no knowledge of, not being North American and never having lived there. I don’t make a choice to be offended. It is offensive. Plenty of evidence of that just in your post. Why can’t I just be my child’s mum?

Or SDC mum - same amount of letters..

@Getawaywithit

I don't know why other forums use it, i don't use them, it's just a fact that they do

If you don’t use them, how could you possibly know?!

can't get het up about it because I am factually a biological mother and in RL it's just not something that ever happens

Ever? My children had a step mum who took great delight in telling my then 6 year old that ‘she’s just your biological mother. I’m your mummy now’. Can’t tell you the upset and confusion we had with that one. It happens.

I don't post on them but I have read them in the past.

Ah right, so that's why you're so pissed. Understandable.

It rarely happens in RL. I can assure that that just because your exs gf was a dick, doesn't mean we all are. You're assuming op has the same intentions as her, when it's fairly clear she does not.

@SandyY2K

It's not, what's important to me is nasty fucking bullies not being allowed to abuse someone over using the "wrong" term. And time and time again they're allowed to get away with it

I couldn't agree with this more. I really hate people piling in on posters who say Biomum.

On reddit biomum is always used in the way mum is used. For someone who uses different sites, they may not be aware of the acronyms.

They also use SKs (stepkids) and BKs (biokids). It's different terminology and if they're referring to an adoptive situation, they'll make that clear.

Is it only British people who choose to be offended? Are ALL Americans wrong? All of them...it's just different and and hardly worth getting in a flap about.

Common...let's not focus on three letters (bio) instead of the issue at hand.

Actually SandyY2K language actually really matters. When a minority start changing the titles for the majority because it suits them there will always be push back.

As we are now seeing with the TRA and the use of "cis' and 'woman'

No prefix needed for woman and no prefix needed mum.

Any yeah this is an UK based site, Americanisms can stay in America.

And also its worth pointing out.. Just because the US does it doesn't mean that its right! Bloody hell I think we have well and truly learned that.

I think it's unfair to say getover was making that assumption about OP Quattro, she was just responding to you saying it doesn't happen in RL

I get annoyed at the word stepmum. I'm not their mum. There's no need for it. Can I just be their dad's wife?

@ChickpeaCrunch

I get annoyed at the word stepmum. I'm not their mum. There's no need for it. Can I just be their dad's wife?

I think you can choose to be called what ever you want. It when other people start labelling other people it starts to make peoples teeth itch.

But people call people stepmums on here all the time without knowing if people are happy with it.

I get why Biomum is offensive when used in the context of a relationship where Mum is perfectly useable by the way. Just wish people were as considerate about labelling people a stepmum. Or a ciswoman.

@ChickpeaCrunch

I get annoyed at the word stepmum. I'm not their mum. There's no need for it. Can I just be their dad's wife?

Absolutely, my DH gained a SM later in life, but she didn't want to be referred to as his SM or want a grandparent name for her role in the grandchildren's life. No issue here and it's very much respected!

@ChickpeaCrunch

But people call people stepmums on here all the time without knowing if people are happy with it.

I get why Biomum is offensive when used in the context of a relationship where Mum is perfectly useable by the way. Just wish people were as considerate about labelling people a stepmum. Or a ciswoman.

More people than you would think would agree with you regarding the SM prefix. Its worth a thread discussion. Whilst I know there are some amazing step mothers - who do actually 'mother' and have taken on the parental role, I think most women are solely the husbands new wife and should be called that it they want.

And 100% agree with 'cis'

Its worth a thread discussion

I shall start one so as not to derail OPs thread

But people call people stepmums on here all the time without knowing if people are happy with it.

I think when people are using it on here they’re usually talking about themselves or their DCs stepmum so they know that the person is ok with being called step mum.

Posters who post just to object to the term and have nothing further to offer are bullies. I agree with those saying just that.

People post for help and advice not to suit the terminology nazis.

It when other people start labelling other people it starts to make peoples teeth itch

It’s way more than labelling someone else. It’s about trying to define someone else’s relationship. I carried, gave birth and fed by children with my body. Why does someone else get to define what that relationship is and then say how I feel doesn’t matter if we don’t agree on that definition. Because that’s precisely what is happening here.

It doesn’t go unchallenged if someone uses the phrase ‘sperm donor’ and on the step parent forum, I have never seen dad referred to as bio dad or birth dad.