Page 2 | SC Bio-mum

Spagz · 2021-08-22T20:53:51+00:00

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

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Dogmum40 · 22/08/2021 22:57

What has your partner said about school pick up/drop offs ? It’s really nice that you are offering to help out and care enough to want to do those things, especially as he’s just starting school, they do usually allow other nominated family, friends or care givers to pick the child up but obviously the parents need to agree and sort it out with the school, not sure about school meetings unfortunately? That’s probably a parental/guardians responsibility

On MN I don’t think posters appreciate the word biological mum or birth mum, it’s apparently just mum nor can you offer to do much or too little for the step child, you will be in the wrong in both cases- good luck OP (mainly for posting on here rather than your new family set up )

Desario · 22/08/2021 22:59

There is a huge amount of vitriol on the step parenting board tonight I have to say.. More than normal!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 23:00

@54321nought

no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day.

You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

What a load of shit. I was first point of contact for dss school for quite a long while. I was certainly "allowed on to the premises".

MessyLifeCleanHouse · 22/08/2021 23:00

@ComeonJulia

You didn’t know the correct wording for someone’s mum? Do you call your mum “hello bio mum”

You’ve known him 18 months, of course you don’t collect him from school, speak to teachers or attend sports day! If his dad works until 6pm then he goes to after school club / childminder or his mums collects him and dads gets him on the way home from work. You wouldn’t look after him for 3 hours between school and dad getting home alone, surely? You barely know him.

How soon after meeting did you marry? If you aren’t married you’re not even his stepmother, you’re dads girlfriend.

Back off.

I wouldn’t say she “barely knows him”, what an odd thing to say. It’s been 18 months of course she knows him! Would you say you barely know your 18 month old child? That’s plenty of time to get to know someone.

I think your getting a hard time here OP, stepmums can’t do right for wrong on here!

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 23:00

Shameful calling her bio mum, it's rude and disrespectful. You only been your dp 18 months during you've a pandemic aswell you met and moved in with your dp and you are wanting to collect, attend sports days whatnext parents evenings? You get my back up aswell. Your coming across far too full on like your trying to be his mother, he has a mother and father. By all means be nice and polite when he comes across but he has parents to do those things.

Dogmum40 · 22/08/2021 23:02

@Desario

There is a huge amount of vitriol on the step parenting board tonight I have to say.. More than normal!

Your not wrong! Step parents can’t do right for doing wrong on here but it’s particularly awful tonight

MrsFin · 22/08/2021 23:03

I only used bio-mum as this is my first post and I didn’t know the correct wording!

"Mum" or "mother" will be fine.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 23:04

@Bananarama21

Shameful calling her bio mum, it's rude and disrespectful. You only been your dp 18 months during you've a pandemic aswell you met and moved in with your dp and you are wanting to collect, attend sports days whatnext parents evenings? You get my back up aswell. Your coming across far too full on like your trying to be his mother, he has a mother and father. By all means be nice and polite when he comes across but he has parents to do those things.

I'd say what you just said was far more rude and disrespectful. Why does it get your back up? Are you an ex wife?

nevergoesaway · 22/08/2021 23:04

Why are people being so rude to the op, she made a mistake, nothing criminal…ffs it’s so obnoxious to talk to someone like shit just because they used the wrong term. There’s a nicer way to correct people, or if you really can’t bring yourself to be nice, just try to be less shitty.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 23:05

@nevergoesaway

Why are people being so rude to the op, she made a mistake, nothing criminal…ffs it’s so obnoxious to talk to someone like shit just because they used the wrong term. There’s a nicer way to correct people, or if you really can’t bring yourself to be nice, just try to be less shitty.

It's always like this. I often wonder whether it's worse on a Sunday night because typically that's when contact ends and kids come home from the other parent and some ex wives are particularly pissed off for whatever reason and like to take it out on some poor unsuspecting Mumsnet poster who's only crime is being in a relationship with someone with a child.

EKGEMS · 22/08/2021 23:06

Boy the piranha are out in force tonight! @Spagz please don't be discouraged by the feeding frenzy of prior posters attacking you. You sound like a caring, loving stepmother to the child and he's lucky to have people in his life who want the best for him. She cannot dictate who does pickup, etc on the DF's contact time. It sounds like she is hostile and if she has issues with you she can speak to the child's father or with her lawyer.

Prettybubblesintheair · 22/08/2021 23:06

@Bananarama21

Shameful calling her bio mum, it's rude and disrespectful. You only been your dp 18 months during you've a pandemic aswell you met and moved in with your dp and you are wanting to collect, attend sports days whatnext parents evenings? You get my back up aswell. Your coming across far too full on like your trying to be his mother, he has a mother and father. By all means be nice and polite when he comes across but he has parents to do those things.

Completely agree with all of this. I’m a mum and a step mum and you are way overstepping boundaries. You’re barely even his dads partner after 18 months let alone a step parent. Back off and let his parents do the parenting. If his dad is failing him then you need to tell him to step up and be a dad not step in and try to do it all yourself. What an absolute catch you’ve got there, his kids never been to a dentist and he can’t be arsed to make it happen. I couldn’t find that attractive in a man. Do not have kids with him whatever you do.

Desario · 22/08/2021 23:07

Op. I think you do just need to take a step back a bit. Perhaps in time you will do school runs etc.. But your partner needs to step up a bit to be honest.. I'm sure this isn't all you. I get the feeling he probably wants this ready made family for his son and is allowing you to parent his son, when it fact its his responsibility. He needs to step up.

spooney21 · 22/08/2021 23:10

What's the alternative to you picking him up from school- Afterschool club, dad, mum?

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 23:10

Getyourarseofffthequattro I get on with my DS SM. However op has known the boy in short a short amount of time during a pandemic with mutilple lockdowns so not comparable with a standard 18 month relationship even then that's early days. She's contacting the dm about the dentist when her dp should be doing it and talking about making an appointment. She's was a stranger not that long ago and now she's suddenly wanting to do care for a child she barely knows who has challenging behaviour. She is simply her dp girlfriend at this stage.

Reallyreallyborednow · 22/08/2021 23:11

If his dad works until 6pm then he goes to after school club / childminder or his mums collects him and dads gets him on the way home from work. You wouldn’t look after him for 3 hours between school and dad getting home alone, surely? You barely know him

Why is it better the child goes to a childminder- who would also barely know the child to start, rather than allow the child’s dad’s partner (who he will know better than a new childminder) to pick him up, take him home, give him 1:1 attention and get dinner and bedtime routine started?

I don’t get mn logic sometimes.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 23:12

@Bananarama21

Getyourarseofffthequattro I get on with my DS SM. However op has known the boy in short a short amount of time during a pandemic with mutilple lockdowns so not comparable with a standard 18 month relationship even then that's early days. She's contacting the dm about the dentist when her dp should be doing it and talking about making an appointment. She's was a stranger not that long ago and now she's suddenly wanting to do care for a child she barely knows who has challenging behaviour. She is simply her dp girlfriend at this stage.

It's been 18 Months. She's not a stranger. She may be just his gf but she lives with the child for half the time. Her marrying him at this point changes fuck all, in reality. I agree about the dentist but if she wants to do school pick up on his dad's time, ex wife can't stop her frankly.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 22/08/2021 23:14

I am a step mum, sorry OP but I do think you are over stepping your boundaries.
I don't particularly like my DHs ex but I still respect her boundaries.

I would be ok if she didn't want me picking her son up after school everyday and I would understand if she thought that it's something my DH should be doing on his time of having the child particularly after a relatively short time of being with him.

I don't think 18months is a very long time in the grand scheme of things and you sound a bit over involved in how you want to do things. (I also totally understand any frustration or helplessness in this situation I have experienced similar.)

But I always remind myself I am the step mum its up to the parents to support their child and sort out school stuff.
All of this I say in the nicest way possible.
I understand the step parenting board can be particularly harsh at times.

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 23:15

18months is nothing, she shouldn't be doing pick ups. At my kids school you have to some nominated to pick your dc up they don't give them to anyone.

SpaceBethSmith · 22/08/2021 23:16

Ah that old chestnut. Very young child, Dad left around 2 years ago, has had 50:50 since but it’s all the Mothers fault that the child has never seen a dentist/has behavioural issues/just need flash cards.

Yawn.

NinjaBreadMan · 22/08/2021 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 22/08/2021 23:18

Protect yourself a bit more, don't become everything to your partners child when it's his contact time. If the relationship ends you have no rights to maintain a relationship which could be heartbreaking for you and the child.

The mum certainly doesn't sound like she would support further contact with you.

Your partner should take his child to the dentist if he hasn't been, there are absolutely no excuses for him not doing.

Reallyreallyborednow · 22/08/2021 23:21

I would be ok if she didn't want me picking her son up after school everyday and I would understand if she thought that it's something my DH should be doing on his time of having the child particularly after a relatively short time of being with him

Not her decision though. What happens on dad’s time she has no say in.

She cannot insist he effectively works PT because she thinks he should pick the child up from school. I doubt a cut in maintenance would be accepted either to reflect that.

If dad needs to work, how he arranges after school care is entirely up to him.

MalleytheAlleyCat · 22/08/2021 23:21

OP,
I’d ignore all the “are you the OW, are you married, what size shoe do you take” shit.
In regards to school pick up, if Dad deems you responsible enough to be around his child enough to be in a relationship with you then I don’t see why school runs should be an issue. It is not up to mum to dictate who does this in Dads time, like has already been said, the only want for Mum to fight that is through the court and unless she has an excellent reason to believe you’re incapable, she’s not got a leg to stand on. Also, is the child happy to spend time with you without Dad? Id ask Dad to address this.

Medical appointments, parents evenings I’d steer clear of, by all means of Dad wants to run something past you regarding these then listen and give advice, but ultimately you don’t need to attend as it’s not your place.

Sports day is a bit different as Grand Parents etc would attend and you’re there to support, but really I’d say this is most important for mum and dad, so even though they wouldn’t attend together, it’s not fair for you to make it awkward for his mum. Would it really matter if you didn’t attend and just had a nice conversation about the day with the child when he gets home?

nevergoesaway · 22/08/2021 23:26

@Getyourarseofffthequattro maybe it’s that yes! But I just think it’s mostly because people seem to like having something petty to use to put the boot in to others about. Just something I’ve noticed on other boards on here as well, not just the SP one. There’s some real nastiness on this site sometimes.