SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

@Spagz

I didn’t explain myself very well about the support the child needs. He is rather a troubled child and will be going straight on to a support plan when he starts school and we’ve already had meetings in place with his school about his behaviour. I like to sit down and play games such as rhyming ones and go through numbers or maybe try to write as I’m not sure anyone else does this with him. I know he’s never been to the dentist and so I asked her if she would like us to take him (in hindsight I should’ve got my partner to ask her) but I’m just worried about him. He needs as much support as he can get and he’s been apart of a view safeguarding incidents at nursery. My partner likes to have me there as I work in a safegaurding department so I know what support they can put in place. I just want him to be happy and the do the best he can!

That right there is the problem. From your OP I didn't think you were BU but that reply there, if I was their mum and you said that to me - I'd assume you're saying I'm not looking after him properly. Saying that you're supporting him and helping build his skills because "no one else is doing it" and asking her if you want him to take him to the dentist because she hasn't, makes it sound as if you're saying she's not doing good enough.
I can now understand why she isn't thrilled about you involving yourself so much.

I don't see an issue with you picking him up from school on his dads days and unless a judge says otherwise, his dad can request you pick him up.
However, the meetings about the support he has in place for his needs etc should be between his mum and dad, You insisting you should be there is massively overstepping imo.

Respect the fact that she is his mum, stop judging her and making out as if you're doing a better job than her and maybe you'll get on better

When ever you hear an over invested "step mum" you just know there is a lazy dad near by.

Sorry op, but he's not your kid, the things you site are not your job, you should be doing them. And if dad can't, then he shouldn't have 50/50 contact.

Also, I don't know the kids mum, but don't assume you can mother better than her based on what your partner says, because chances are he's fed you a pack of lies about her.

Never trust a man that thinks it ok to take a young child away from its mother 50% of the time, only to outsource the parenting to another woman.

It sounds like you don’t think he’s being very well cared for? Nobody takes him to the dentist or plays word games with him etc.

This is your partner’s doing. He is just as responsible as his ex-wife. If there’s shitty parenting going on, he’s half of it.

Think really carefully about whether you really want this man in your life. These kind of incompatibilities are huge.

I haven't said it's her decision have I @Reallyreallyborednow I have said I would understand, being a step parent it's best to try and keep things as amicable as possible not do what you want because you can.
To understand the other side's point of view and yes in this instance I can understand the mother's point of view.

She also really can't do things such as pick up the child from school if the mother doesn't want her to because she doesn't have PR to make that choice.
Because she isn't the parent.

They have been together 18months it's not a long time I can totally understand where the ex would be coming from especially as OP seems so over involved.
Backing off will do OP a favour as much as it will do the ex, as people say don't be the one who is constantly doing stuff for the child.

As a step parent morally you should respect boundaries I treat my DHs ex how I would like to be treated if the roles were reversed and I would certainly back off if I was in this situation.
If this was a few more years down the line I could have a bit more of an understanding but after 18months it sounds intense.

"When ever you hear an over invested "step mum" you just know there is a lazy dad near by."

I also really agree with this too.

What's happening on this board tonight. It's a harsh board pretty much always but what on earth is going down to make people so vile.

I call step parenting bingo. I think we have all the usual shaming comments in the fastest amount of time on a post. And I'm think back to some posts where the SM was being really unreasonable aka SC to sleep on sofa and even that post didn't hit some of usual nastiness this quickly.

@ComeonJulia

You didn’t know the correct wording for someone’s mum? Do you call your mum “hello bio mum”

You’ve known him 18 months, of course you don’t collect him from school, speak to teachers or attend sports day! If his dad works until 6pm then he goes to after school club / childminder or his mums collects him and dads gets him on the way home from work. You wouldn’t look after him for 3 hours between school and dad getting home alone, surely? You barely know him.

How soon after meeting did you marry? If you aren’t married you’re not even his stepmother, you’re dads girlfriend.

Back off.

@comeonjulia you've obviously never been a stepmum, have you? Or even dad's girlfriend.

If the dsc is staying at dad's 50/50,and op lives with him, then she is very much in dsc's life, and if she is willing and able to support both dad and dsc by providing after school care, then yes, she definitely can pick up from school, speak to teachers, attend sports day, and even be an emergency contact if dad is in agreement. Whilst dsc is on dad's time, mum cannot dictate without a court order. And a court will look unfavourably on a mum looking to obstruct this by making such demands.

OP, good for you. If I were you I'd be insisting your dp has his contact set out in stone, and that school are aware of the whole situation.

Poor kid! Why hasn’t his bio dad taken him to the dentist??? Doesn’t that disgust you OP?

@MrsRobbieHart

Poor kid! Why hasn’t his bio dad taken him to the dentist??? Doesn’t that disgust you OP?

Tbh I would be pretty disgusted by both parents failing a very basic requirement to look after a child.

My judgement would come down on both the dad and the mum. I wouldn't be one sided about it just because one a golden uterus.

Tbh I would be pretty disgusted by both parents failing a very basic requirement to look after a child.

Oh totally. But OP is only choosing to be in a relationship with one of them.

@54321nought

no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day.

You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

As a teacher I hope your SPAG is better in the classroom than on an online forum, and that you have safeguarding refresher training booked in for September. With dad's permission op is very much allowed to have discussions with teachers at home time, be present for parents evening and attend school events.

I am 'dad's girlfriend' in this scenario and am down as #3 emergency contact for my dsc, and have been called to go to A&E in an ambulance as neither parent could get to school in time. Speak to your DSL as soon as term starts, please!

@MrsRobbieHart

Tbh I would be pretty disgusted by both parents failing a very basic requirement to look after a child.

Oh totally. But OP is only choosing to be in a relationship with one of them.

Op - is also out of the three of them fussed about getting sorted and is getting roasted for it for overstepping. Shaming the OP for something she has little control over and for over stepping in same breath is ironic.

They may share 50/50 but since weeks don't work like that it's probably mum who in eyes of law is RP and I know through my own DC that means actually being registered to a local dentist near their residence parents home.

Fact of the matter is if mum is kicking off about her ex can spend his contact time, I suspect this has caused complications else where. I can only assume as many of us on here are.

I'm actually on good terms with my ex but plenty of friend of mine are not and have caused all sorts of issues with child not being registered at the doctors/dentists of their choosing.

It's not about the dentist and it's about control. Let's not pretend it's anything different.

To be honest you’ve only know the child a year and a half. You don’t really need to be talking to teachers and sorting school things - let his father do that.

It’s lovely that you’re close to him but you don’t need to do all that. Let your husband care for his child appropriately and liaise with the child’s mum when needed.

I know he’s never been to the dentist and so I asked her if she would like us to take him

Also rethink things like this. Why did you notice he’d never been then ask mum if she would like his other parent and that parents partner to take him? Why didn’t you just say to your partner ‘when are you taking your son to the dentist?’ It implies that you think your partner isn’t as responsible for his son as the boy’s mother and his father’s girlfriend.

What a load of shit. I was first point of contact for dss school for quite a long while

Not a 4 year old and against his mums permission and not since the data laws have changed, you haven't.

If you have the school is laying itself wide open to charges of data breach, and safeguarding failures

@Kanaloa

I know he’s never been to the dentist and so I asked her if she would like us to take him

Also rethink things like this. Why did you notice he’d never been then ask mum if she would like his other parent and that parents partner to take him? Why didn’t you just say to your partner ‘when are you taking your son to the dentist?’ It implies that you think your partner isn’t as responsible for his son as the boy’s mother and his father’s girlfriend.

Yep this. It sounds like you and your partner think that women are default parents and more responsible for the run of the mill but important elements of caring for children,,. even when there's a perfectly capable male parent in the picture.

Why didn't he notice his son needed to go to the dentist? Why didn't he just book the appointment? Why didn't he speak to his ex about it?

Because he's a man? Or just a bit of a disney dad?

Shaming the OP for something she has little control over and for over stepping in same breath is ironic.

I think you’re making things up. I didn’t shame Op for it. I asked if she was disgusted by her partners lack of care for his child.

*Poor kid! Why hasn’t his bio dad taken him to the dentist??? Doesn’t that disgust you OP?

But OP is only choosing to be in a relationship with one of them*

Your words ^ @MrsRobbieHart

I would explain but the above is so blatant

Nah, youre going to have to explain. You’re accusing me of something. Back it up.

@Spagz I have been a step mum and I am a mum. When I broke up with my partner who’s child I loved and cared for I also had to leave his dc behind. And it broke my heart. Especially when dc rang me and begged me to come back and I had to explain that I couldn’t. I was not the parent and had no parental rights. That is fair and right. Throughout my relationship with exp and dsc I respected the mum and never undermined her or got involved in any parental conversations between mum and dad.

It is important to respect the boundaries. Everything that you have written suggests that you don’t respect her at all and you think that she is a bad parent. You come across as someone who has some kind of ulterior motive. You come across as untrustworthy. And most parents will want to protect their children from people they don’t trust.

Which is why I completely understand her decision to inform the school not to allow you to pick him up. She doesn’t trust you and she has a right to protect her son. Even when he is staying at his dad’s house. She is his mum and she doesn’t stop being his mum during his contact days with his dad. And his dad doesn’t stop being his dad when he is at his mum’s house.

Your dp is the dad and should be doing the parenting not palming it off on to you.

Maybe you mean well and think you are doing the right thing. But if I was you, I’d take a step back and have a good hard look at your relationship with your dp. He actually might just be using you. And don’t you think that you deserve better than that.

She wasn't shaming her for overstepping she was pointing out that OP should take a look at her boyfriend in regards to what he is doing.

@candlelightsatdawn He has 50/50 he can sort things out in his time as much as the mother can.
My DH doesn't have 50/50 but has done things in his time for his child regardless such as taking his child to the dentist.
It's what parents do.

Also want to point out that if his dad didn’t trust the mum’s new boyfriend (if or when that happens) he would have every right to advise the school that the boyfriend can not pick up his child from school.

@candlelightsatdawn what a sensible post . I too think the OP is doing her best to help. I often collected my DSC from school as my hours were more flexible. If the teacher gave me a message I would pass it on .

OP, I cannot see how you are with your partner. Surely you find him being lazy and uncaring?

He has not taken his DC to the dentist...this must be a real issue for you as someone who works in safeguarding and is also so considerate of DC needs?

Only read half the thread but bloody hell!

The Op had been with her partner for 18 months nearly half of the stepchild s life. Ok she made a mistake with bio mum but, she owned it and said she was wrong as didn't know what to put.

It's bloody difficult to come into a situation with a a child from a previous relationship.

I didn't always have the best of relationships with my DH ex wife but we never made it a problem with his dsd, he sometime had to work on his weekend but dsd still came to ours, even before we married. Me and dsd often went out for shopping and left Oh at home.

I do think MN has a strange view on women who move in with men who have children, freaking out at people calling themselves step mums when they're not married, my dsd has called me her step mum for years even though me and her dad didn't get married for 15years.

OP you sound like a lovely person and I hope your OH realises he has a gem and am sure your input will help your lovely DSS