SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

@LikeAbatOutOfHell you do realise that many of the pp are by step mums or people who have been a step mum. There are some very valid advice and constructive criticism from people who do know what it is like to be a step mum. And it is not just that @Spagz referred to the mum as bio mum, it is everything else that she has written. It’s not just about her wanting to pick up dc from school. It’s about boundaries, respect and trust. No one is going to trust someone who oversteps boundaries, undermines them or accuses them of being a bad parent. That’s common sense really. Also, no one is going to trust someone who insults them or disrespects them. Trust is earned. It is not an entitlement.

OP can I suggest the Reddit step parenting board.

If you post there you won't have to wade through a heap of crap to find the few reasonable responses like here.

OP, I understand that you are only trying to help and that's lovely of you but if the father has 50:50 care, it is up to him to organise afterschool care, talk through any issues with the teachers, take his child to the dentist.

Your job if you want one, is to tell him to get off his bottom, stop neglecting his child, stop blaming his ex, and to start parenting. Or stop claiming he can do 50:50 when clearly he isn't willing to. And before you say he can't, he works, that's nonsense, the rest of us manage it. It's an excuse.

You are the dad's girlfriend. If that relationship ends tomorrow, that poor child will have to cope with another upset, and then on to the next.....

@54321nought

no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day.

You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

Utter bollocks.

So neither of his parents have taken him to the dentist or provide adequate care for him.....then why would you be in a relationship with this man?

If my exh girlfriend called enquiring about my kids dentist appointments I wouldn't amused or give her any information at all. And if I got the impression she was judging my parenting whole happily snuggling down with other parents, judgment free I can't say I would want much engagment with her either.

The picking up from school is tricky. It's his days, not her choice who does it. But I am intrigued as to why you will be doing it everytime. You are being position, by your dp (who according to you is a fairly shit parent) as the default parent. This will bite you on the arse in years to come, when the care for this child is all your responsibility.

I assume you work? What if you have to change hours? What if you want to make plans and can't pick him up? What was your partner going to do when he wanted 50:50 care but wasn't with anyone? Or with someone who couldn't do this because of work?

For you own sake, tying yourself to a man who is a poor parent (by your own description) is shuffling the responsibility to you, who is in conflict with his ex, is such a bad idea.

You think you need to do certain basic things with him, because his attention don't

Not going to reiterate all the very good points about the ridiculous criticisms made of the OP here, because they just fall on deaf ears for the anti step mum brigade.

What I will say is that there is far too much importance given to "respecting mums boundaries",here, when the focus should be on the child's best interests. I have plenty of experience of one parents boundaries actually being about hiding their own inadequacies as a parent, or maintaining control/wanting to make life difficult for the other party.

OP....you are doing nothing wrong after a year and a half supporting your partner and his child to have a home life that works for you all. This child is lucky to have an adult who wants to collect him, rather than leave him in an after school club etc. Taking an active interest in a child who lives under your roof half the time is not overstepping any imaginary boundary.

@Mintjulia

OP, I understand that you are only trying to help and that's lovely of you but if the father has 50:50 care, it is up to him to organise afterschool care, talk through any issues with the teachers, take his child to the dentist.

Your job if you want one, is to tell him to get off his bottom, stop neglecting his child, stop blaming his ex, and to start parenting. Or stop claiming he can do 50:50 when clearly he isn't willing to. And before you say he can't, he works, that's nonsense, the rest of us manage it. It's an excuse.

You are the dad's girlfriend. If that relationship ends tomorrow, that poor child will have to cope with another upset, and then on to the next.....

The father has made childcare arrangements; his partner!!!!! Why is it more acceptable that he does that visa childminder (who would also relay messages from the classroom door etc) or an after school club? Only on mumsnet would that be seen unreasonable, whilst in goes on in every playground up and down the country, every day.

I don't particularly like my kids step mum, but have no issue in her collecting my kids on their contact days. It's real life and it's not about me, it's about my kids

Morning all,

Just thought I would update and say that I completely understand that it sounds that I’m over stepping and have backed off and apologised to the mum and said that I want nothing more for the child to be happy and I hope one day we can get a long.

In relation to my partner he is a VERY good dad and I have no doubt about his parenting. The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend.

I thank the people who gave me genuine advice and reading back I can see how I look very controlling and over stepping! This is my first time obviously being a step mum and I have no idea where I stand but as I can tell it is very much in the background haha.

I just hope we can all move forwards (with clear boundaries in place) and be able to get on for his sake

@54321nought

What a load of shit. I was first point of contact for dss school for quite a long while

Not a 4 year old and against his mums permission and not since the data laws have changed, you haven't.

If you have the school is laying itself wide open to charges of data breach, and safeguarding failures

ODFOD - without a court order, with dad's permission of course school can, and should involve any named person in the child's schooling, academic and pastoral care.

'Because mum said no' is not a reason to deny someone else with PR allowing a nominated person to act in loco parentis. Outside the gates of nursery/reception/all the way through school you will see all sorts of people - parents, grandparents, childminders, mum's mate doing a favour cause mum is stuck on the motorway, dad's girlfriend because dad has an arrangement that he can nominate anyone he likes to pick up his kid during his contact time...

Mum is incredibly unlikely to get any sort of court order that stipulates dc is ONLY to be collected by dad or childminder (especially if op is wiling and able to care for dc after school)

@Oceanbliss

Also want to point out that if his dad didn’t trust the mum’s new boyfriend (if or when that happens) he would have every right to advise the school that the boyfriend can not pick up his child from school.

Not during mum's contact time. And not without a court order with a damn good reason behind it.

@Albs12

Morning all,

Just thought I would update and say that I completely understand that it sounds that I’m over stepping and have backed off and apologised to the mum and said that I want nothing more for the child to be happy and I hope one day we can get a long.

In relation to my partner he is a VERY good dad and I have no doubt about his parenting. The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend.

I thank the people who gave me genuine advice and reading back I can see how I look very controlling and over stepping! This is my first time obviously being a step mum and I have no idea where I stand but as I can tell it is very much in the background haha.

I just hope we can all move forwards (with clear boundaries in place) and be able to get on for his sake

Are you the op?

Did you say its 50:50 care? If so how does he never have him on a weekday?

If he doesn't have him week days, why is he now having him weekdays?

And how does that stop him doing the learning through play that you do with him?

I feel like I have missed something. Or you are trying to absolve him of any responsibility for what, you perceive as poor parenting.

If he doesn't have week day contact why do you need to be involved in school runs? And how can it be 50:50 care?

Poor OP. I often read post complaining step mums don’t do enough for their step- children. That they chose the man and he came with a child and you have to take that in. This poor woman has done that and she’s getting stick for it. Seems you can’t win.

I’m not a step parent but I can imagine there would be a sense of fear that the new woman is doing things more; that the child will love you more. I would imagine this is the fear I would have and so I guess she’s trying to to manage her feelings by keeping you back. I guess the worry of losing control of something precious is why she’s come down like this. Maybe step back for another 12 months with school stuff and then see how things go? Pick ups though should be fine.

I don't think you picking him up from school is a problem, and I don't agree that it's better to go to an after-school club or childminder than be picked up by you. My MIL picks up my kid's once a week, but she obviously isn't their parent, she's a responsible adult helping us out with childcare, and she doesn't get involved with anything further to do with their school. I'd play it a similar way OP, you aren't a parent so discussions with teachers, unless really mundane stuff like a forgotten PE kit, are for the parents not you.

I think your impression of they child's parenting up to this point is a bigger issue however. You seem to be suggesting that parenting has not been great up to this point, and you need to intervene to help. If that's the case, that's the responsibility of your DP just as much as his mother. Let's just okay devils advocate and say mum's parenting hasn't been great, your DP should have stepped up to fill the gap. Why do you want to continue a relationship with someone who you think has been a poor parent? Do you see more children in your future?

If Albs12 is the OP, that but about the father not taking him to the dentist because he works is utter tosh. What do you think parents who work full time do? You don't just fail to take them and use that as a crap excuse, if you're aware that your child has never been to the dentist, you bloody well take time of work to take them to the dentist. You can't just opt out of parenting because you work full time!

Dear God. And here was me thinking that the step parenting board was somewhere step parents went for support you know that thing which appears to have disappeared here…

All I can say OP is, thank the lord you didn’t post in AIBU.

While I can see that it should be the father’s place to speak to the school and arrange dentist appointments etc, talk of how a childminder should be picking up the child rather than the OP is pathetic. Ironically my eXH’s DP is a childminder, so presumably it would have been ok for me to pay her to pick up the child, but the instant she became my ex’s DP it would be inappropriate?

And I can just imagine the responses here if a woman posted that her ex had kicked off because her partner had collected her child from school/potentially taken him to a football game/dared to be alone with him at any point. I don’t think somehow that posters would be saying that contact time is for the mother and the mother alone to be with the child, they’d be saying that the ex was being controlling and that it was none of his business what the child did when he was with his mother. But somehow this miraculously changes when it comes to fathers.

[quote ComeonJulia]@Blingstheway I don’t think I was harsh. I really don’t think after 18 months anybody has the right to attend their partners child’s school meetings or sports days.
Definitely shouldn’t be discussing medical appointments with the other parent.[/quote]
This. You need to back off OP. Your his dads girl friend not his step mum.

@Albs12

Morning all,

Just thought I would update and say that I completely understand that it sounds that I’m over stepping and have backed off and apologised to the mum and said that I want nothing more for the child to be happy and I hope one day we can get a long.

In relation to my partner he is a VERY good dad and I have no doubt about his parenting. The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend.

I thank the people who gave me genuine advice and reading back I can see how I look very controlling and over stepping! This is my first time obviously being a step mum and I have no idea where I stand but as I can tell it is very much in the background haha.

I just hope we can all move forwards (with clear boundaries in place) and be able to get on for his sake

Name change fail?

Thought you had him 50/50? Why are you picking him up if you don't have him weekdays?

This is all a bit weird. No weekday contact with 50:50 care

You can get a dentist appointments on a Saturday and why would the school run be an issue if he doesn't have the child in the week?

This isn't your fault OP, you sound like a caring decent person but it does sound like your DP is palming off parenting duties on to you. Whether he works full time or not, he could be stepping up a lot more than he seems to be. How do you think working mums do it??

Don't get suckered in to being the live in help by proxy There are loads of threads on the step parent board where the new SM has become the domestic help because the dad has played the helpless card. Ask yourself what would he do if you weren't there? you obviously care for this little boy but the best way to help him is to call his dad out on things that aren't being done not default to bashing his mother.

@SpaceBethSmith

Ah that old chestnut. Very young child, Dad left around 2 years ago, has had 50:50 since but it’s all the Mothers fault that the child has never seen a dentist/has behavioural issues/just need flash cards.

Yawn.

Agree with this

Your partner is a shit dad. He's passing the work load on to you. Maybe the mum can see this and that's why she's protesting, perhaps nothing personal against you.

Are you younger than your partner? Kids of your own? Why are you not working beyond school pick up time?

There has been a couple of threads lately about how the step mum has ended up doing everything and then how more complicated leaving the relationship becomes. I suggest you look at them and consider if this is how you want your life to play out.

I am going to guess the dad is going for 50:50 care and when the mother has asked how on earth he can pick his child up from school, since he hasn't had the child more than wow, up to now. He has presented his girlfriend as the solution.

Which should have ops alarm bells ringing.

I mean if he never has him week days, he doesn't even have him Fridays. So just Saturday to Sunday. One a night a week? And all of a sudden him and his gf want him half the time. I wouldn't be happy about this either.

Just read your update. How can he have 50/50 care with no weekdays?

It's great that you care so much and you would think their mum would be happy to have someone who wants to help their child as much as you. However there are complex emotions involved and it's understandable she thinks you are overstepping the mark. The child has two parents and it is them who should be raising their kid and I think you are having a bit too much input and I can see why she might be unhappy. If your relationship broke up tomorrow then you'd potentially never see this child again so it's important the children know their actual parents are their primary carers.

Dad should be able to ask you to do the school pick up on his day if that's what he wants. It's the same as if he'd hired childcare. But there is no need for you to be attending school events and parents evenings and trying to arrange dental appointments.

Also maybe leave communication with mum to dad where possible.

It's great that you care but you should be helping your OH parent his kids, not do it for him.

Your DP needs to put her in her place. It's up to him who collects DD on his watch and if he says it's you that's how it's got to be and she can just suck it up.

He can notify the school that you are his nominated pick up and that's how it will be.

No difference in you picking her up than it would be a child minder. He needs to be more assertive and take resonsibility.