SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

Are you the OP?

The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend

Do you know what a 50/50 arrangement is?!

My kid doesn’t have a stepmum, though his dad just recently got a new girlfriend (though they’re long distance dating online).
The concerns I would have if I were the mum in OPs situation is:

1. Is the relationship likely to be long-lived? If I didn’t think you were sticking around I would certainly be trying to place firm boundaries. I wouldn’t want my kid getting attached if there’s a likelihood you’ll break up and then I’ve got a kid upset he won’t see you again. 18 months isn’t a new relationship but it’s not that established either.
2. Are you doing the parenting “work” that the kid’s dad should be doing? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be involved, but if your partner is willing to sit back and let you play mum while not doing those things himself, I’d be pissed.

Maybe she’s being spiteful and just stopping you because she can, but I think there’s always 2 sides to things. Hopefully that’s constructive advice. I would back off for now. There’s nothing to stop you doing educational activities with your SC when you have them, but dad should definitely be doing it along with you.

So the majority of your post was irrelevant then?
You won’t be collecting him from school, going to sports day or parents evenings or taking him to the dentist because his “bio dad” only has him on weekends.

What a pointless post.

@LavenderPink

Are you the OP?

The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend

Do you know what a 50/50 arrangement is?!

I wondered if OP means he never has him during dentist opening times, ie he usually goes go ASC or a childminder?

@Harleynotsothin

When ever you hear an over invested "step mum" you just know there is a lazy dad near by.

Sorry op, but he's not your kid, the things you site are not your job, you should be doing them. And if dad can't, then he shouldn't have 50/50 contact.

Also, I don't know the kids mum, but don't assume you can mother better than her based on what your partner says, because chances are he's fed you a pack of lies about her.

Never trust a man that thinks it ok to take a young child away from its mother 50% of the time, only to outsource the parenting to another woman.

Sorry, how do you know he "took the child away from his mother 50% of the time"

Do you say mother's take their children away from the father's for a much bigger percentage of the time when they only offer EOW?

Of course you don't.

@Albs12

Morning all,

Just thought I would update and say that I completely understand that it sounds that I’m over stepping and have backed off and apologised to the mum and said that I want nothing more for the child to be happy and I hope one day we can get a long.

In relation to my partner he is a VERY good dad and I have no doubt about his parenting. The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend.

I thank the people who gave me genuine advice and reading back I can see how I look very controlling and over stepping! This is my first time obviously being a step mum and I have no idea where I stand but as I can tell it is very much in the background haha.

I just hope we can all move forwards (with clear boundaries in place) and be able to get on for his sake

I think this is a sensible approach. Parenting, and step-parenting is a learning curve! I'm sure that if you take a supportive but secondary approach with the boy, your DP's ex will come to appreciate your involvement and obvious affection.

@howtodealwithit and the dp never has annual leave?

Op has called out some bad parenting choices. Whiles saying its 50:50 so his bad parenting choices. Now, that's been pointed out, he doesn't have him week days.

Parents who work mon-fri also get their kids to the dentist

So that wouldn't be an excuse. Either.

I find it far more likely, op isn't being honest about the reasons, the ex isn't happy.

Sorry but you’re being unreasonable, stepmum of 3 and I’d never get involved in their schooling or anything like that, too much overstepping- in fact I don’t really get involved in anything and that’s the way you should keep it tbh, will save you many a headache

Tortoises no one needs to be put in their place The dad needs to start being a parent instead of dumping his parental responsibilities on his new girlfriend.

Don't be a mug OP, he needs to start helping his child a lot more and not relying on you to do the heavy lifting. If he has asked you to do pick ups then that is a discussion he needs to have with the school and inform the mum. There doesn't need to be drama just two engaged parents.

I think that step parents getting involved is not always a bad thing as long as A) both parents are happy about it and B) they aren't doing the donkey work of the parent that they are in a relationship with.

My DH has always been a hands on SD to my eldest DS, he's been to every parents eve, quite a few sports day etc, but DS's Dad has always been very hands off - if it doesn't happen during his EOW contact, he's not interested (and even during his weekends he gets out of it if he can ) so DH has very much played the dad role in a lot of ways.

If DS's Dad was upset about that, then we'd definitely respect that and DH would stand back, but he isn't even to the point that he has thanked DH for stepping up and helping to give DS the life he has.

@GullyGull

Tortoises no one needs to be put in their place The dad needs to start being a parent instead of dumping his parental responsibilities on his new girlfriend.

Don't be a mug OP, he needs to start helping his child a lot more and not relying on you to do the heavy lifting. If he has asked you to do pick ups then that is a discussion he needs to have with the school and inform the mum. There doesn't need to be drama just two engaged parents.

But the mother won't engage. She DOES need to be put un her place if she refuses to be reasonable.

@54321nought

What a load of shit. I was first point of contact for dss school for quite a long while

Not a 4 year old and against his mums permission and not since the data laws have changed, you haven't.

If you have the school is laying itself wide open to charges of data breach, and safeguarding failures

No not a four year old but yes against his mother's "permission" actually. He lived with me but she didn't want me knowing anything, but because his dad also has pr, it matters not a shit what his mother thinks of me. I am not sure you know anything at all about safeguarding.

My emergency contact for my child who is only just five had been my best friend in the past. Of no relation whatsoever but if I tell school she is picking him up, she does, no issues at all. And if for instance he's fallen over that day, they tell her because they have my permission to do that.

Same as dss school have his dad's permission.

@54321nought
no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day. You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

I’m a teacher and most of what you’re saying there is bollocks. With Dad’s permission you can do all of that. Your lack of knowledge suggests you’re not a teacher, more likely a parent who disagrees with a step-parent being involved.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Agreed, what they’re saying is utter rubbish and absolutely incorrect.

[quote Hekatestorch]@howtodealwithit and the dp never has annual leave?

Op has called out some bad parenting choices. Whiles saying its 50:50 so his bad parenting choices. Now, that's been pointed out, he doesn't have him week days.

Parents who work mon-fri also get their kids to the dentist

So that wouldn't be an excuse. Either.

I find it far more likely, op isn't being honest about the reasons, the ex isn't happy.[/quote]
@Hekatestorch , blimey I'm not excusing it! Was just wondering if that is the scenario which means he does have him 50:50 but doesn't see much of him during the week

@DancesWithTortoises you have clearly missed the update.

They don't have him weekdays.

Op has spent around 60 odd days with this child. With no weekdays included, that's not even full days arriving Saturday and going back Sunday

You really think someone who only sees the child for 2 part days every other week, can put the mother in their place? You are having a laugh.

So, does dad have him 50/50 or what? because 50/50 to me means 7 out of 14 days for example. But you are saying not weekdays and I just don't get how that works.

@howtodealwithit I was simply pointing out, it still wouldn't make him 'such a great dad' and woild still make op ridiculous for thinking he was.

I didn't say you were excusing. Just pointing out. Apologies if it came across more aggressive than I intended

Don't be a mug OP

If you only take one message from this thread OP, this should be it!! Seriously, do not be a mug for this man. The writing is on the wall. Plenty of us can see it because we’ve seen it a million times. You’ve had fair warning.

[quote LadyPenelope68]@54321nought
no, as a teacher, I would not be permitted to contact you, are speak to you at parents evenings, or speak to you about his work or behaviour, or allow you onto the premises for sports day. You are just his Dad's girlfriend, you are not in any way responsible for him, and it would be a breach of data protection and a safe guarding issue if I allowed you access to him, or any information about him

I’m a teacher and most of what you’re saying there is bollocks. With Dad’s permission you can do all of that. Your lack of knowledge suggests you’re not a teacher, more likely a parent who disagrees with a step-parent being involved.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Agreed, what they’re saying is utter rubbish and absolutely incorrect.[/quote]
Teacher also - agree that I have seen grandparents, aunties, adult siblings, step parents, even neighbours listed as contacts. As long as they are listed on our system (at parent/guardian instigation) we can discuss child with them.

I've seen plenty of partners, social workers and other relatives attend parents' evenings as well (generally with a parent).

But personally I wouldn't be doing any of that for DSC as they have two parents.

@howtodealwithit ah that might explain the comment yes. Need OP to clarify really. If dad isn't seeing his kid much its even more important he steps up imo.

The OP’s situation aside, “You’re not his stepmom because you’re not married, you’re his dad’s girlfriend,” is up there with “he’s not your partner because you don’t live together.”

Seriously, a huge number of people don’t get married ever and their partners have children. So you mean they don’t qualify as a step parent even though they may have lived together for years and possibly even have other children who are this child’s siblings? What rubbish.

And presumably if someone meets a new partner and marries them after a 6 week romance they automatically become a step parent then….

Btw OP- parents are responsible for their child’s well being even when they aren’t physically in front of them. There’s confusion in your posts about when exactly your DP has his child but regardless of that, if he knew he wasn’t seeing a dentist, which he clearly did as you know, then it was his responsibility to make that happen. He needed to book annual leave or a morning/afternoon off work or arrange a late evening or weekend appointment and take his child. If the mother refused to let her child be seen by a dentist then it’s time for the other parent to contact social services and if necessary arrange court proceedings to uphold the child’s right to dental care.

She sounds massively unreasonable.

Saying you can’t pick him up from school? Completely out of order. His Dad needs to deal with this.

She might not like you, she might not accept you but trying to alienate you from his school life isn’t going to benefit her son in anyway. She’s cutting her nose off to spite her face.

You’ve been in his life as long as he can remember, you care for him like your own, you have an interest in his schooling and his well-being. That’s how it should be, we see so many step parenting being cunts to the step kids and it’s heart breaking.

She’s the problem OP, not you.

Again his Dad needs to sit down with her and tell her to stop being a moron, who picks him up on his dad’s days is really none of her business.

You won't get anywhere on here op, there is a massive problem with step parents 'parenting' 🙄

Legally she can't stop this but ime the school will side with mum. It is wonderful you are so supportive and caring for your ss.

Give it time, school is a big milestone and mum might feel like you doing any of it is pushing her out.

[quote Hekatestorch]@DancesWithTortoises you have clearly missed the update.

They don't have him weekdays.

Op has spent around 60 odd days with this child. With no weekdays included, that's not even full days arriving Saturday and going back Sunday

You really think someone who only sees the child for 2 part days every other week, can put the mother in their place? You are having a laugh.[/quote]
I think the father can decide as well. No matter the split in time. He is their father and has that right, even if the step mum haters don't like it.

These aren't little children, they are old enough to say if they want to go.

I do think she needs to be put in her place but the kids will do that when they see through her.