SC Bio-mum

[Spagz]

I need advice on how people deal with their SC bio-parent. I am a stepmum to a 4yo boy who I adore. We have him 50% of the week and I have been in his life for about 18 months now but his bio-mum is refusing to accept me. He’s starting primary school in two weeks and I said I will collect him from school on our days to have him but she’s called the school and told them I’m not allowed to do so. She said I’m not allowed to be apart of any part of that. I’m not allowed for sports day, I’m not allowed to ask his teachers about homework or anything. If he calls to speak to daddy then I’m not allowed to talk to him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice? Should I just backdown and do the bare minimum with him like she wants or should I try and be apart of his life like me and his dad would like?

OP while you can pick up the child from school if the dad gives permission but it isn't something you should be doing as routine unless it is an emergency. He needs to sort out using paid for childcare or change his hours.

Likewise when you go to parents evening or sports day you should be going with the dad. It should be left for you to go on your own on his behalf.

It should also be him who takes the child to the dentist (or any other routine appointment) not you as it isn't an emergency appointment.

Other posters have explained why you shouldn't be parenting for the dad.

There are threads on MN that go into more detail on how the father finds a new female partner, who is normally younger, to do the parenting for him. This is exactly the trap you are falling into.

One of the most recent threads is actually in AIBU where a woman split up from her child's father as she was parenting his two older children who have a different mother. He was doing nothing at all and even though they had split up the father thought she should continue parenting his other two children for him.

"What I will say is that there is far too much importance given to "respecting mums boundaries",here, when the focus should be on the child's best interests. I have plenty of experience of one parents boundaries actually being about hiding their own inadequacies as a parent, or maintaining control/wanting to make life difficult for the other party."

I myself have experience of a controlling mother situation, it doesn't stop the need for boundaries.
The childs bests interests are the parents priority not a step mum.
I think the advice OP has been given here is valuable she sounds like she she is trying to take on a parenting role because her partner is too lazy to step up.
A few more years down the line when she potentially has a baby of her own to contend with and a lazy man who doesn't do much for his first kid without having to be directed by OP and subsequently is rubbish with their new baby, OP will see.

Sorry but there are red flags all over this situation.
Op is doing things with this child that in her words she doesn't think anyone else does with him?
That would be her partner included.
She wouldn't have a clue what the Mum does really as she isn't around her all the time but it most definitely highlights her partner as a huge problem here.

He's got her running around doing it all after a year and half and even before then it's very intense.

You really can't know what the ex does with her son.
My DHs ex used to make up stuff that didn't happen in our house and as well as it's frustrating it's also not true and you can never know what goes on if you aren't there, that eroded any trust that I had for her knowing she was saying absolute rubbish about us.
I agree with PP it's about trust too and I also wouldn't trust someone who makes things up about me or assumes things especially if at the same time they are praising the father as a great Dad, yet he's equally responsible.

That's why boundaries are so important here.
Understanding other people's perspective is really important here in a step parenting situation.

I can understand OP caring I get it, I care for my step child too obviously but whatever happens in regards to my stepchild is for his parents to resolve.

I have had differing opinions at times but I haven't ever expressed it to the child's Mum as I don't feel it's my place and ultimately it's for my partner and her to resolve.

Several different topics are being conflated on this thread...

1. OP can with her partner's permission collect the child from school on his contact time. Her DP's ex may not like it, but her consent isn't required. OP can be a 'contact' in that sense, for collection etc.

1. OP cannot independently request the school provide her with information on the child, or her consent for education matters unless she has parental responsibility. Based on OP's posts she does not have PR and it doesn't sound like Mum would agree to her having it. The school would have to refuse.. OP's DP can of course share whatever he wants with OP.

1. OP can attend sports day, just like Mum's best friend could

1. OP could I'm sure attend parent's evenings with her DP..

There are boundaries in place which ring fence certain rights and responsibilities to the parents (who have PR). Rightly or wrongly, these don't automatically extend to step parents unless they have PR even if they have care of the child.

Dentists are open Saturdays and have been all during the school holidays so not sure why this amazing dad couldn't have booked an appointment. I just don't get why you want to do the school run and become so involved in the school. At 18 months into the relationship I'm sure there are more fun things to do. Do you not have a job that would be impacted? Why isn't the dad stepping up to do this or does he see this as woman's work so wants you to pick up where he is slacking for free?

@Cloverforever

Maybe try calling her mum rather than bio mum for a start?

Wow. Helpful

Poor OP. You sound lovely and like you're just trying to do the right thing.

OP can attend sports day, just like Mum's best friend could

A couple of caveats with that. Some schools only allow 2 people per family to attend events. This avoids school halls being packed out with aunties, grandmas and randoms known to families and actual parents not being able to see their child. And in covid days, even outside events may have limited numbers placed upon them. In these situations, it really needs to be a parent’s perogative to attend.

Most schools will accept mum and dad on different appointments for parent’s evenings in which case, there is no issue with the OP attending, providing she does so with her partner. Without parental responsibility, the school should not be talking to the OP alone. If the child attends one of those schools which will do one appointment only, it needs to be left to the parents.

I agree mum can’t say who can and who can’t pick up her child on dad’s time but it may be the case that dad needs to remind the school of their legal obligations. Whether she wants to commit to that, of course, is something quite different and needs careful consideration.

@AlternativePerspective a child she’s only spent time with for around 70 days is not her step child.
That’s 10 weeks. Ridiculous.

Woah some responses on her are utterly disgusting. It's clear from the op she is just trying to do right.

My OH has a 4yo daughter and I have been in her life for 3 years. She loves with us and my OH as residency. We have come to the arrangement that I will be doing the drop off and pick ups on our days with her. It works for us better that way. So I do not see an issue with you picking him up on your oh's days with him. Doesn't make my OH lazy. Just he works longer hours and brings in more money. Makes sense.
He is a fab dad and I am willing to help him out where I can.

But I do find some things you do not need to get involved in such as medical appointments or any parents evenings/meetings. That is down to the two parents to attend. If SC wants you to be there at sports day I don't see why you shouldn't go if you wanted to. You are showing him support and an interest in him. Another great role model in his life. Isn't that what all MN's posters preach about to step parents?

My OH asked me to go to my dsd first day at school and I declined as I feel this just needs to be OH and BM. So certain things yes back away and Respect her requests but if you two are in for the long run then overtime she will need to get used to the fact you will be in her sons life.

Posting on here you will get all sorts of advice but from reading previous step parenting posts you are either to involved or not involved enough

[quote ComeonJulia]@AlternativePerspective a child she’s only spent time with for around 70 days is not her step child.
That’s 10 weeks. Ridiculous.[/quote]
Do you mean to sound so bitter and twisted? It isn't a good look.

@Getawaywithit

OP can attend sports day, just like Mum's best friend could

A couple of caveats with that. Some schools only allow 2 people per family to attend events. This avoids school halls being packed out with aunties, grandmas and randoms known to families and actual parents not being able to see their child. And in covid days, even outside events may have limited numbers placed upon them. In these situations, it really needs to be a parent’s perogative to attend.

Most schools will accept mum and dad on different appointments for parent’s evenings in which case, there is no issue with the OP attending, providing she does so with her partner. Without parental responsibility, the school should not be talking to the OP alone. If the child attends one of those schools which will do one appointment only, it needs to be left to the parents.

I agree mum can’t say who can and who can’t pick up her child on dad’s time but it may be the case that dad needs to remind the school of their legal obligations. Whether she wants to commit to that, of course, is something quite different and needs careful consideration.

You're right, in Covid times there have been limits on such things and I agree parents take precedence in such instances. In 'normal' times, assuming space allows most schools would permit extended family etc.

I found it incredibly bizarre, and honestly upsetting, when my DC's step mum told my child she would be attending so Mummy wouldn't be able to this time...

Spatz try and sort out the genuine advice you have received from what I like to call the 'bitter first wives club' (although the 'golden uterus' coined by a op is a line I am happy to steal) however I want to come at all of this from a completely different angle.

I want to talk about YOU in all this.
Here you are stuck in the middle of what sounds like some pretty toxic parenting from BOTH parents. I believe you have nothing but the best interests of this child at heart but also think you MAY be being a little naive.

There is a 4 year old boy. Your partner and his child's mother share care 50/50. (see how clever I am to work out what bio-mother means without being a rude arsy git ?) .

From the scant information we can glean from you tells us that your partner works until 6. Pm.

So without you - this child would be in (expensive) childcare at least 2 days a week after school. But handily - you can relieve your partner of this cost by collecting him. But that wouldn't be YOUR partner caring for him. It would be YOU caring for him. After all he is only 4 - so would be in bed not much more than an hour after your partner got home. The reality being that on the 2 or 3 work days your partner has 50/50 care he would be 'looking after' his child for less than 3 hrs a week.

Now compare that with the other parent . Who probably didn't want to share 50/50. She has to sacrifice half of all time with her child for that child to spend time with her ex
Partners girlfriend. I am sure if this were YOUR child - you would not be happy about it at all. Sharing your child especially when very small with another parent is hard enough. Sharing with an unrelated person would be unbearable.

In my opinion having children requires sacrifice. I am a mother and stepmother to 8 in total. I can tell you this for nothing. I am not a mug. If MY DH decided he wanted 50/50 then HE WOULD BE DOING IT !! Not me.
I would not sacrifice MY earnings, MY wages, MY future pension - which I would have to do to fit in with school pick ups etc. No way! I adapted my working life for MY children. DHs children are HIS responsibility. !

This does not mean that I don't love and care for them . (All late teens now) but the sacrifices required to care for other peoples childcare responsibilities are not mine to make.
Therefore DH didn't have 50/50 until they could get about unaided. He talked the talk but in reality could not walk the walk by cutting his hours (and income) to make this work.

So on to you OP. Why are you free at 3pm everyday to facilitate your partners pretence of being a 50/50 carer. Perhaps you have an unusual but steady shift of work between 7-3pm ? Possible but quite unusual in a safeguarding role ?

If I am right - and I fear I am, you are either working part time or cutting your hours of work, and all the associated benefits of being in (or looking for) regular full time employment in order to support a lifestyle choice that your partner has committed to without ummm 🤔 much commitment.. and without a wedding ring on your finger - the only loser in all of this will be you.

I understand his exes anger .
I truly believe you are a kind person .
I think your partner is either thoughtless or manipulative or perhaps both.
Either way . Invest more in your future.
50/50 means just that. He needs to do it. Not sub-contract 40% of his work to you !

@LavenderPink

Are you the OP?

The reason he has never taken him to the dentist is because he never has him on weekdays so it would be hard to arrange for him to take him as dentists aren’t open on the weekend

Do you know what a 50/50 arrangement is?!

This!!

And what do you think single working parents do when a medical appointment is needed? Or couples who both work full time? You book time off to deal with your child's medical needs.

50:50 care? So no CMS to pay but no weekday care provided and the nitty gritty parenting is down to the default parent in his eyes aka the one without a penis.

Tale as old as time. Don't know how you can find that attractive.

@youvegottenminuteslynn just to point out that neither parent has sorted the dentist out. So it doesn't look great on mum or dad. So the default still hasn't done it either.

I wouldn't assume re CMS - OP hasn't mentioned that and it's a rather wide sweeping statement.

Someone please sort the dentist out for the child's sake

@LavenderPink

Someone please sort the dentist out for the child's sake

I think that's what OP was going to do before the yelling of it's not your place and shaming started.

Hi OP. I am a step mother and my children also have a step mother.

With my step children i came into their life later. I am not a parental figure in any way. I think i am a well thought of adult in their life who they enjoy spending time with. But i know my place-i am ultimately just dads girlfriend. And as i have my own DC i am utterly at peace with that.

With my own childrens step mother it is different. They were much younger when she came into their lives and she does not have her own DC. She is kind and does her best for them but does not over step boundaries. I am polite and we can all be together at birthdays etc but i dont have her mobile no for example. As all comms goes through dad. She has never been to a parents evening, doctors appt, dentists, sports day etc. Im not sure if she wants to-shes never asked. And i am glad. Our boundaries are different to other families i am sure. But she is telling you what hers are. I suggest you step right back and abide by then-things will settle. As a mother there is nothing more terrifying then another woman being a major part of your childs life and the fear that your place will be taken is utterly terrifying. This lady is terrified. And she may be lashing out. But if you step back and her fears calm-she may let you in in the future as trust builds.

Also as a step mother you are damned if you do and damned if you dont generally.

@Pinkyxx. I found it incredibly bizarre, and honestly upsetting, when my DC's step mum told my child she would be attending so Mummy wouldn't be able to this time

I had this on several occasions which is why I mention it because my children’s school had a two ticket policy only, no exceptions. Several times, ticket paperwork was taken from school bags so I couldn’t attend but new partner could. I am afraid there are a lot of people out there in delight in hurting a parent - and inevitably, the children as well. The need to ‘win’ is all that matters for some.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@youvegottenminuteslynn just to point out that neither parent has sorted the dentist out. So it doesn't look great on mum or dad. So the default still hasn't done it either.

I wouldn't assume re CMS - OP hasn't mentioned that and it's a rather wide sweeping statement. [/quote]
If care is 50:50 then no official CMS is due from either parent to another.

I agree it's as bad his mum hasn't sorted the dentist.

Dentists are open on Saturdays everywhere around me, not sure if it's the case where OP is but as others have said either parent could also take annual leave like other working parents have to.

You need to stop excusing your boyfriend. He is a great dad despite needing his girlfriend to organise a dentist appointment with his child’s mum because in four years he’s never considered that his child might need to see a dentist? Yes it’s bad that the mum has never done it, but if you saw it needed to be done then his dad should have as well. Please don’t fall into this trap of thinking a man needs to do the bare minimum to be a great dad while the mum does most of the care to be average. Let him parent his child and take a good unbiased look at what he’s expecting you to do. Is he looking for a partner or someone to do the bulk of parenting for his child?

God this thread is depressing.

Obviously you do know someone that you've known for 18 months? It sounds like OP has been a bit over-zealous with the dentist thing etc but it's clear it's from inexperience and with good intentions for the boy's welfare. She knows now not to involve herself in things like that again.

However, picking a child up from school is not a major intimate thing reserved for only parents. Many people pick kids up from school to help out when parents are working. Mum doesn't get to dictate what happens on dad's time with his son. If she has an issue with someone else collecting him from school when his dad is working then they need to have a proper discussion about arranging the schedule around this. If she wants to collect him every day and then dad picks him up, then fine. But if she's not willing to do that then it's not fair of her to try and dictate her ex's childcare arrangements on his time.

PS. The above said, I wouldn't be volunteering to pick up my DP's kids, especially if it would be a few hours until he got home.

@DancesWithTortoises

I think the father can decide as well. No matter the split in time. He is their father and has that right, even if the step mum haters don't like it.

The father can decide the step mum is picking the kids up from school even though he never has the child mid week? Seriously?

These aren't little children, they are old enough to say if they want to go.

Are you on the right thread? The child is 4.

I do think she needs to be put in her place but the kids will do that when they see through

Or the child will realise their dad could be arsed and almed them off on his girlfriend when he did have them one night every 2 weeks.

Again are you on the right thread? Because there's one child who is 4. Who doesn't see their father week days. So exactly how can he decide who picks up the child from school.

And no parents who only see their child 1 night out of 14, doesn't get to decide they are just having 50:50. They don't get to decide their partner is picking the child up from school just because they say so.

You are either on the wrong thread, or projecting something from your own life onto this.

Its actually you that sounds bitter. I actually said, the mother can't do anything about the childcare arranged on his days. But his days don't include and week days. You know....school days.