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Step-parenting

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Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

247 replies

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:46

Does she know about the engagement?

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 12:46

Super, it means you won’t have her round at yours when you move in together. Carry on with your life.

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:48

Nope, nobody knows. It’s just between us.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 12:48

They only split 18 months and he has a financee who shes never met. Its quite distasteful tbh your taking about moving in together adding siblings without any regard to his daughrer. If you take into account the multiple lockdowns you haven't been together very long at all.

TheQueef · 22/08/2021 12:49

So he only left his 11+ year relationship 18 months ago?

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:49

Are you being sarcastic? I’m looking for genuine advice. I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her.

OP posts:
Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:49

She doesn’t know we’re engaged, just that we’re dating

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:50

That's good. I think you're going to have to slow things down a bit if you want the 13 year-old to accept the relationship. Start with you coming round when she's there? Not staying the night but just coming round having a takeaway watching a film. Or meeting up with them and having lunch out.

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:50

Yes

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:50

But its only been 18 months and she's a teenager so it's going to take kindness and patience.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2021 12:51

Why would she want to meet you. I wouldn't in her position.

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:51

Of course we an on taking things slow, but she doesn’t want me to come over. When I said we want to move in together, I meant in a year or so.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 12:51

No I being honest you had zero regards for his daughter, she's literally getting her hand around her parents split. Bearing in mind the last 18months it has haven't been normal by no means and your the new woman on the scene wanting to met her wanting to move in with her df and wanting a baby your relationship has been based around multiple lockdowns or where you breaking them to see each other?

Theunamedcat · 22/08/2021 12:52

@Goldbracelets

She doesn’t know we’re engaged, just that we’re dating
Why is he ashamed of the engagement? Is he still married? are you significantly younger? Your mom is talking shite BTW she will still have an opinion if she meets you tomorrow or next year
Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:53

I understand. I just wanted to know if there was anything we should be doing. Is there anything my fiance should say or will we just leave it for another 6 months?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 12:53

@OiPanda

That's good. I think you're going to have to slow things down a bit if you want the 13 year-old to accept the relationship. Start with you coming round when she's there? Not staying the night but just coming round having a takeaway watching a film. Or meeting up with them and having lunch out.
Don’t do this, you can ambush her, I can’t believe the poster suggested it.

She won’t want to meet you as she will think she’s betraying her mother. Her mother won’t want her to meet you. She’s not going to go against it.

Is the mother saying you’re the other woman and he left her for you, that you split them?

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:53

He's probably not ashamed but if the daughter doesn't even want to meet OP then telling her they are engaged as well isn't going to help

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 12:54

She needs to find out from dad that you’re engaged, before she finds out any other way.

TheQueef · 22/08/2021 12:54

She's 13, they don't work to anyone's schedule at that age.
Let her go at her own pace.

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 12:54

How long between her parents spliting did you get together? Parents marriage spliting is massive to a child nm introducting a new partner and getting engaged.

GullyGull · 22/08/2021 12:54

How would you feel if your partner refuses to have another child because it would alienate him from his daughter? Would that be a deal breaker for you?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/08/2021 12:55

Your mums opinion literally has nothing to do with this. She doesn't know the girl.

You have had the build up of a relationship. She has had hope of her parents setting back together that has not been snatched away a few months ago. She will need time to come to terms with that.

She is a kid, coming to terms with a lot, you'll have to go at her pace, not your own pace and expect her to jump on board immediately.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:55

Don’t do this, you can ambush her, I can’t believe the poster suggested it. fair enough I was coming at it from a how to meet your partners children for the first time angle but have missed the "she doesnt want to meet me" angle.

MrsRobbieHart · 22/08/2021 12:55

You’re engaged to a man you’ve known a year despite never having lived with him and never having met the most important person in his life? Even worse, you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?

You’re bonkers

Doyoumind · 22/08/2021 12:55

Why are you engaged when you haven't even lived together? This is that typical thing where a man moves on far too quickly. At 13 she's at an age where she's just not going to be open to meeting you. Accept that. She was there long before you and is more important.

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