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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

247 replies

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

OP posts:

Greystray · 22/08/2021 14:25

Another point is that you are hearing one side of a conversation, you are being shown texts with possibly very little context. (Particularly as he wants to show you this stuff when it's really none of your business.) You have no idea about their marriage or who this woman is. For all you know he's being a dick to her face so she reacts and provides entertainment for you to both tut over later.

It's ironic that you are happy to accept that his ex is a "psycho" because you have been told so, and assume his DD has no human agency and only hates you because she's being told to by her psycho mother. Why is it OK for you to take on a negative opinion of a stranger on someone else's word, but not her (if she even has)?

Meet her on that standing and things are unlikely to get better. A beaming smile is not going to counteract that her family has been split up, whether you were on the scene or not. You are a part of the mess now, that much is evident from your posts.

Rosieandjim04 · 22/08/2021 14:29

OP you need to slow down you want to be married and have a new baby but your DP already has a daughter who needs time to get used to the idea of you even being there it's only 18 months since her whole world changed.

1forAll74 · 22/08/2021 14:32

You will just have to take your time getting to know your partners daughter, its quite early days for her to accept you, especially as she has her Mother causing hassle, and trying to impose things on her daughter. You will just have to hope, that time will mellow things down eventually.

Your engagement is irrelevant really, as you don't plan to be married for quite a long time.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 22/08/2021 14:34

If you genuinely cared about your BF’s daughter, you would leave her in peace. She really doesn’t need to meet you in the moment or for the foreseeable future. He and you shacking up within months of his separation and already getting engaged in such a short space of time is a massive red flag. That’s way too soon and accelerated. Even with the apparent plan to hold off with the wedding and moving in together. It’s like the speeded-up love bombing and future faking going hand in hand. I would actually be rather careful and not blindly swallow the ‘his ex is crazy and wants him back’ lines. I have heard far too many similar stories like that, even including texts that were presented as so-called evidence. However, it turned out that the ex was far from crazy and that there was a lot of gaslighting and misrepresenting/manipulating going on.

Getawaywithit · 22/08/2021 14:37

18 months is not an inconsiderable amount of time

We’ve been in lockdown and under restrictions for that whole time? How have they dated? Restaurants, pubs, clubs, gyms….have been closed for months and months. There was no household mixing for months. Seriously. How can any relationship have really progressed under those circumstances?

spotcheck · 22/08/2021 14:38

If I were a good man with an 11 or 12 year old daughter and I left the relationship because my wife had mental health issues, absolutely the very last thing I would be doing would be cultivating new romances. I'd be staying very, very close by to make sure my child was ok

This

If his ex was unstable, then he should be making sure his daughter is ok, and investing his energy in her rather than looking for an emotional crutch.

beastlyslumber · 22/08/2021 14:38

@LynseyLoses

I also agree that I don't trust the word of men who are in the midst of a split who use the "my ex is a crazy bitch" line. So many "crazy bitches" when they've split! It's classic

Not to say he is lying / re-writing history / exaggerating. Maybe he is bang on. But I'd be very wary and taking it extremely slowly with any man in the midst of a recent split with a "crazy woman".

Voice of experience!

Definitely. That jumped out at me, too.

Also the secret engagement? Is it a secret from everyone? That's a red flag, too.

I would slow everything way, way down, OP.

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/08/2021 14:43

It's his dds choice.

MumofSpud · 22/08/2021 14:43

Op - you're pregnant aren't you?

ChristinaXYZ · 22/08/2021 14:44

It all does seem a bit quick, especially from the girl's point of view. the teenager will change but will the ex wife? The ex will be part of your life forever if you marry him! Is she a bit unhinged or just grieving for the relationship?

If the former are you prepared for agro every family Christmas, birthday, holiday, wedding, graduation? I'd be wanting to meet the ex-wife a few times before committing (as in when the child is dropped off, or at a family do, Granny's birthday or whatever). Is the ex going to make your life hell or get over it?

I think a quick engagement can work when you're both very young and it is a 'start-up' relationship where you learn together (worked ok for me - engaged within 6 months of meeting and happily married now for decades but we were very young) but observing friends getting together in their 30s and 40s - a merger marriage like two business cultures coming together - you're bringing two different ways of doing and being together (possibly three ways as you'll have to take ex-wife's ways of doing somethings like eating into account whilst child is under 18) and you also need to be sure he has processed why the first marriage has failed and that he understands any part he played in that or you'll be divorce number 2 for him, which won't be great for his daughter, nor for any child you have with him.

And going back to my first point about the ex-wife being always part of your life - if you have a child then that child will always have her half-sister's mum in her life at family times - are you ok with your 6 or 7 year old staying with that family to celebrate half-sister's 21st or whatever?

For the sake of the daughter and any future children you have you have to slow it down a bit and wait until you meet his family. Maybe try and meet other members of his family in the meantime - his siblings and parents? People who are friends of both him and his ex? They might help you understand what his ex is really like. And if you hit it off with his mum then maybe she's the one to talk to his daughter (I mean chat not force before anyone says otherwise)? If is own parents' marriage is dysfunctional then warning bells should be sounding for you alongside what you already know. Obviously people can have happy marriages who come from unhappy families but he has not demonstrated so far that he can, or that he puts others first.

Iflyaway · 22/08/2021 14:47

Some men are unable to be alone.

This is so true. And it would seem he is a candidate when he's so fast to get engaged before even waiting for his daughter to come to terms with her parent's split.

Unsure33 · 22/08/2021 14:48

When she finds out you are engaged she is going to feel even worse . Betrayed and lied to .

If she does not want to meet you that’s fine . But to be engaged without her knowing I think is pretty selfish tbh.

icedcoffees · 22/08/2021 14:49

How can you be planning to marry someone you've never lived with, let alone someone who has a child you've never met?

Bonkers.

jimmyjammy001 · 22/08/2021 14:50

As others have said your 18 months in don't live together, never met his daughter and you are engaged, from everyone else's perspective that seems quite crazy, have you ever dates anyone else with children before and dealt with the exes?! You may put up with it for a few years but when it starts impacting your plans you will soon get fed up, getting the DSC to accept you will take years and alot of effort, not leave it 6 months and then try, more like 6 years, you prob won't agree with most opinions on here, but most are speaking from life experience and just trying to give you the heads up of what you tare getting your self into

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/08/2021 14:50

This. You say they have a great relationship OP but he's making choices not in her best interest. There's no need to have gotten engaged so quickly, it was a selfish, rushed and thoughtless thing to do if his daughter has had to go through a parental break up during a pandemic where everything has been strange and scary already.

I would guess that you're a fair bit younger than him and he has established a position of authority where you don't question his choices. Or you're already pregnant.

I don't think a well adjusted adult would get engaged to someone they've only been 'going out with' for a year, who they met 6 months after a very long term relationship, who hasn't met their child especially when that child is struggling and apparently their other parent has mental health issues.

You and he have both been selfish and while it's not your job to put his child first, it is his. He sounds like a pretty crap dad tbh.

Hekatestorch · 22/08/2021 14:50

@MumofSpud

Op - you're pregnant aren't you?

This or TTC

OldMamaOf3 · 22/08/2021 14:51

Leave her be, it's her choice.
And your Mother is wrong.

JEdgarHoover · 22/08/2021 14:53

@Rosieandjim04

Agree with this. 18 months isn’t very long and to be honest, I wouldn’t be comfortable getting engaged at all with someone who hadn’t met my children and my children weren’t okay with.

I think you need to really take it slow. Give her time. Your partner can broach the subject with her in the months/years to come, but right now she is probably reeling and doesn’t understand why they’ve split up. She maybe even feel betrayed that her dad has moved on. Time is the only thing that can help this.

mommabear2386 · 22/08/2021 14:53

Give her space but make it known that you are very much staying in the scene but you aren't going to force yourself on her... my eldest SS 12 when we got introduced wanted nothing to do with me he would ignore me if I spoke to him and refuse to come if he thought I may be making an appearance.. for 6 months or so I quietly just stayed out his way. If he outright ignore me my DH Would snap and say stop being rude! But I jumped in and said no no replies you must not of heard him just to show a little bit that I wasn't the bad guy etc

Then randomly out the blue one day he just asked me to stay and play PlayStation with him rather than go home one afternoon and it helped it still took him years id say to be talkative but we are 7 years in and have a lovely relationship now.

It's worth it stick it out xx

RosiePosieDozy · 22/08/2021 14:55

I agree about taking it slow. I wouldn't rush the baby or moving in. You haven't been together long and haven't met his child.

newnortherner111 · 22/08/2021 14:56

I'd treat the comment about her mum and the supposed bad stuff with a pinch of salt. However, I agree with taking time.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/08/2021 15:00

FWIW we had two nieces of the same sort of ages who went through this some years ago. They loathed the OW before they’d even met her, and loathed her just as much after meeting her, because she didn’t have the sense to hold back - she was trying to be over-matey and ‘in their faces’ when they just did - not - want to know.

Things are considerably better a few years down the line, I’m very glad to say.

Very hard, OP, but if it were me I wouldn’t force a meeting at this stage. But if you have to, best not to do what the above OW did.

Nojobforoldmums · 22/08/2021 15:00

He sounds like a terrible dad, and that's not likely to change so think long and hard before bringing more kids into this.

If you haven't misrepresented your mum, she really should change careers.

AhNowTed · 22/08/2021 15:00

I was put in this position and I was an adult.

No of course she doesn't want to meet you.

You've had a hard time here OP, but can you really not see that in her eyes she would be betraying her mother?

MrsMaizel · 22/08/2021 15:00

You met him 6 months after he left ?

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