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Original poster

Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

247 replies

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

OP posts:

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 17:06

@ittakes2

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.

Oh gosh

Yes. Don’t do this. I’d run for the hills.

Staryflight445 · 22/08/2021 17:07

I get massive red flag vibes here too. He should be more concerned with his ex wife’s behaviour and his daughters mental well-being than proposing to someone he’s been with for a year 18 months after a huge relationship/ family split.

What is so appealing about him? Why would you want to add another child to this situation? Do you enjoy the fact his ex isn’t happy?
Why is it so important for his daughter to meet you that you put your own feelings first?

Quite frankly the lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Tiredoftattler · 22/08/2021 17:10

I cannot fathom thinking that a man who would propose to anyone without first telling his minor children of his plan to propose is a man capable of making good decisions.

You met during a period of lockdown. He is not long out of a long -term relationship, and you have not yet met his child.

If you had a daughter, are these the circumstances under which you would suggest that she become engaged? What about this situation screaming potential for a successful marriage? I assume that if this engagement is a secret that his extended family members do not know about the engagement.

If this relationship has legs and long term potential, you lose nothing by living apart until you get to know him better, give his daughter time to adjust, and can have an open relationship that need not be shrouded in secrecy. Not many mature adults need a secret engagement.

2bazookas · 22/08/2021 17:11

13 is a very tricky age .Only 18 months ago she lived with both parents, now she's in the midst of puberty and being shunted between two homes and parents at war. Now her father "has a girlfriend".

Think what that means to a 13 yr old. How she sees it.

"My mum is not how and who she used to be. People can change.

Dad has stopped loving MUM. So now I know my Dad can change his mind about who he loves.

Dad has left Mum, me and our home . So now I know Dad might leave anyone he loves

Dad has found a woman he likes better than the old one (Mum) and now she's getting all his attention and love and they are having sex and maybe he'll have a new baby he loves better than the old one (me) and I'll get left, ( like Mum)."

She has totally lost control of everything; her family, her home life as it was before. She is absolutely terrified of losing Dad , of being abandoned, or rejected , or replaced, because that all happened to her Mum

Refusing to meet you is the ONLY THING that's within her power, the ONLY WAY she can have a say , the ONLY WAY she can make Dad listen , her only hope of splitting you up, and she's doing it.

It's far, far too soon to expect her to accept you.

Staryflight445 · 22/08/2021 17:11

I can’t imagine accepting a proposal off someone without even meeting their children first.

Bonkers

Birchtree1 · 22/08/2021 17:18

OMG give the OP a brake! She is trying to do the best and work out the best way for all concerned!

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/08/2021 17:19

@ittakes2

Absolutely bloody not. Good God.

Staryflight445 · 22/08/2021 17:21

Is she eck. @Birchtree1

She’s just annoyed ops daughter won’t meet her because it scuppers her perfectly life with her partner.
Her feelings come before the 13 year olds here.

viques · 22/08/2021 17:21

@Birchtree1

OMG give the OP a brake! She is trying to do the best and work out the best way for all concerned!

I think you meant give her a break. But actually in this case I think a brake would be appropriate.

Staryflight445 · 22/08/2021 17:22

Which is why op isn’t bothered about anything to do with said 13 year old other than the fact she doesn’t want to meet her yet @Birchtree1

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 17:24

@Staryflight445

Which is why op isn’t bothered about anything to do with said 13 year old other than the fact she doesn’t want to meet her yet *@Birchtree1*

What exactly do you expect her to do? It's what her dad should be doing, absolutely fuck all to do with op and not her responsibility.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 22/08/2021 17:32

@MrsRobbieHart

Exactly. Yes , yes and yes.
You really need to back off and stop trying to force the issue with his daughter. Don’t turn up when she goes to her dads, don’t try and plan days out. You have no place in this girls life right now. None at all. And I wouldn’t even THINK about THINKING about telling her your ‘engaged’. Slow waaaay down.

Birchtree1 · 22/08/2021 17:33

Sorry…am foreign and got it wrong. Will remember next time. Thank you for pointing this out!

Staryflight445 · 22/08/2021 17:37

Not get involved in such a mess and definitely not accepting a proposal/ day dreaming about adding extra children to this absolute mess of a scenario:
@Getyourarseofffthequattro

viques · 22/08/2021 17:39

@Birchtree1

Sorry…am foreign and got it wrong. Will remember next time. Thank you for pointing this out!

Wasn’t picking you up on it, I just thought a “brake” was what the OP really needs.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/08/2021 17:39

@Staryflight445

Not get involved in such a mess and definitely not accepting a proposal/ day dreaming about adding extra children to this absolute mess of a scenario: *@Getyourarseofffthequattro*

Ah right so basically she should leave because he had a child who doesn't like her.

No sorry, HE should be thinking of his child. HE shouldn't have proposed and HE should be clear about any plans for further children because HE is the parent, not op.

HE needs to take the responsibility and sort this out. Not her. It's not her child.

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2021 17:41

Just because you love him and want to make it all cozy and snug, doesn't mean his daughter is on the same page. You can't force a relationship and need to put your own needs to one side. It may improve over time, who knows.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/08/2021 17:41

Think about it this way OP.

If you had a daughter of your own, can you imagine getting engaged to a man she had never met?

Could you honestly imagine doing that? I certainly couldn't, I don't think most responsible people would.

Lightisnotwhite · 22/08/2021 17:43

You don’t need a second home for her. Because you really don’t need to live together. Just carry on as you are.

Secondly she’s 13 and has way more pressing problems than you. She also feels for her mum. I think you should respect that. Her mum came first and that’s been an issue and that’s all she knows. Why would she need to meet you?

Be easy and the situation will be easy. You’re walking into her life. It’s not about you.

NoviceNewMN · 22/08/2021 17:44

You need to start with the facts you KNOW for sure. Not what he has told you (eg. he has a great relationship with his daughter, a daughter you have never met).

Are you 100% sure this daughter knows you (as in precisely you, the person you are rather than 'a girlfriend or one of a series) exists?

He's obviously not keen to get married (what adult gets engaged saying they won't get married for several years, it seems a bit teenage to me. As my granny used to say, unless you've set a wedding date, it's not an engagement it's just talk).

Path of least resistance for him, to keep you at arms length and delay any development of the relationship is to tell you his daughter won't meet you. That's a pre-packed excuse for not actually getting married right there ('I don't want to have a wedding where my daughter isn't there, let's wait')

At the same time, he could be spining you a pack of lies about what his ex says about you. Or if he is really getting hostile texts about you (again, you specifically not any old gf) from his ex, it maybe because he's fanning those flames himself to also delay the whole thing from the other angle.

You need to work out what you 100% know for sure - not what he is telling you or setting up his ex to believe and take it from there.

If I had to bet, I'd guess this daughter doesn't even know you exist or if she does it's in terms of 'nothing serious, don't need to meet her, she'll be gone in a year or so'.

InFiveMins · 22/08/2021 17:46

God I feel so sad for kids stuck in situations like these, thanks to a selfish parent.

OP, I can see by your posts that you mean well. But your DP should be putting 100% of his efforts into his daughter who is probably feeling all kinds of emotions at just 13 years of age.

If I were you I'd be calling off the engagement and telling him to take it far, far slower and tell him to focus on his relationship with his daughter first. Only when that is healed will she be ready for him to have a relationship with you.

You cannot surely think a 13 year old is going to be accepting of you right now?!

KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 17:47

Is he even divorced yet?

Tbh I'd be questioning the judgement of a man planning to marry less than 18m after splitting from his wife and with no consideration for his daughter.

You need to slow things right down

FelicityPike · 22/08/2021 17:58

Oh I didn’t even figure that the “we won’t be getting married for years” line is because it’ll likely take him that long to finish his divorce!

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2021 18:04

I think the engagement is a red herring really, it's just notional if it's a long engagement and you're keeping it to yourself. Just treat it like you would otherwise. If he decides it's best to take it slow, then you just need to have a frank discussion with him about what that means for you in terms of having another baby, because that's the part that is on a ticking clock and for which you can't afford to be strung along. He needs to prepare for all eventualities and be honest about whether he would go ahead if she was still unwilling to meet you.

Palavah · 22/08/2021 18:07

How are you engaged to someone you don't even live with. Are you quite religious?

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