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Step-parenting

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Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

247 replies

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 22/08/2021 13:56

@Goldbracelets

Are you being sarcastic? I’m looking for genuine advice. I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her.
This girl already has a second home that she's probably still wrapping her head around and sees you as having invaded it.

And why, oh why, are you engaged to someone you've never lived with and who's daughter you've never met. Doesn't say a lot about him that he asked you to marry him knowing his daughter, who should be his biggest priority, doesn't even want to meet you. This is all bonkers tbh

FeatheredHope · 22/08/2021 13:59

And your mum is a crap educational psychologist if that's the advice she dishes out.

This. She’s obviously never met a teenage girl either and is seriously lacking in compassion ans empathy.

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 14:00

@lunar1

What capacity does your mum know your boyfriends daughter in?
I thought I'd missed something there, but assume you're implying that the op's mum can't possible comment because she doesn't know the daughter? I agree.
diddl · 22/08/2021 14:00

My advice would be to walk away tbh.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 22/08/2021 14:01

@Goldbracelets

Are you being sarcastic? I’m looking for genuine advice. I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her.
You might want that, she clearly doesn't. Get used to it.
lunar1 · 22/08/2021 14:06

@knittingaddict, honestly I just presumed she would know her, maybe I missed something.

Educational Psychologists have years of experience, training and qualifications before they get jobs like that or are able to set up a private practice.

If standard advice fits every child under any circumstances then we wouldn't need them, we could just ask google!

So the options are-the op's mum isn't actually an educational psychologist, she's a crap one who shouldn't be speaking about a child she doesn't know, or she knows the girl (hopefully not in a professional capacity as that would be a serious breach of confidentiality!)

Either way, her opinion is irrelevant in any kind of professional capacity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2021 14:07

How concerned is he about her not wanting to meet you? Does he want to stay engaged if she maintains this view and you can’t ever blend the family? Would he still want to move in with you if she doesn’t want a relationship with you? What about having more children?

If you’re on the clock to have babies I’d give serious thought to whether this current set up will give you what you want. An antagonistic ex and a confused teen won’t make for an easy life together.

Lovemusic33 · 22/08/2021 14:08

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t understand why you would want to be involved with someone who left his ex 18 months ago, get engaged to him and you haven’t even met his dd? He’s still sorting issues with his ex and his dd, claiming she’s crazy etc…
From experience a women doesn’t act like this with no reason, maybe he did threaten to kill her, maybe he was abusive? You haven’t known him long enough to know who he really is or how he reacts to different situations yet you want to marry him?

I would be running for the hills and not looking back.

VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 14:10

In her shoes, I wouldn’t want to meet my dad’s girlfriend so soon after my parents split up and my living arrangement changed either.

I can see no tangible benefits to the child of meeting you.

MysteriousWhiff · 22/08/2021 14:11

@MrsRobbieHart

You’re engaged to a man you’ve known a year despite never having lived with him and never having met the most important person in his life? Even worse, you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?

You’re bonkers

This
Greystray · 22/08/2021 14:12

Why is he ashamed of the engagement?

Considering the circumstances I think it's appropriate to keep it quiet. It's hardly going to help with his DD getting over her parents relatively recent split. I can't help side-eyeing that he felt it was appropriate to propose marriage to someone else so soon. Some men are unable to be alone.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 22/08/2021 14:13

How do you know that his daughter even knows about you?
He might not be the person you think he is.

VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 14:14

Also, serious red flags with this guy.

In a new relationship very quickly.
Keeping parts of your relationship a secret.
Future-faking.
“Psycho” ex.

Klaxons aplenty.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2021 14:14

There's some really nasty responses on here. Unnecessarily hurtful. There's no need for that.

OP... you just need to focus on what's within your control. She doesn't want to meet you. That may change in the future. Maybe when her mum has a new partner, but while her mum wants to get back with your BF, she's not going to want anything to do with you.

Your BF shouldn't push her to either, it it will make things worse.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/08/2021 14:15

@MrsRobbieHart

You’re engaged to a man you’ve known a year despite never having lived with him and never having met the most important person in his life? Even worse, you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?

You’re bonkers

I agree. You sound really callous about your fiancée’s daughter and her Mum.
Nanny0gg · 22/08/2021 14:16

@Goldbracelets

Are you being sarcastic? I’m looking for genuine advice. I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her.
I don’t understand how you can get engaged to someone and plan a future together when you haven’t met their children.

What if she actually does hate you?

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:16

But we’d love to think about moving in together
You should possibly think about it before getting engaged? If you think about it but decide not to then what happens to the engagement?

Greystray · 22/08/2021 14:16

It sounds like you want to meet her just so that you can tick that off and then progress to moving in, marriage, kids.

Just meeting her will not resolve how she is feeling. It doesn't matter if you happen to be the nicest woman who ever lived. And if you guys intend to rush into marriage and babies ASAP it's going to be very hard to build a relationship and build trust with her. It sounds like every time she starts to adjust to one piece of news another is going to hit her.

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:17

@Nanny0gg makes a really good point. What if she hates you. Or you hate her?

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2021 14:18

The only thing I can say is that I think you got engaged a bit too fast as you may change your mind once you eventually do meet her.
At the moment she exists but she plays no part in your life so it all seems pretty straightforward. Once you meet, you live together and the dynamics of your life change, you may decide you don’t want to marry him.

tickledtiger · 22/08/2021 14:18

She’s 13. You can’t do anything except be patient, and even then she might not really like you. She probably feels like her world has been shat on, she’s not going to be excited about meeting dads new soon to be wife who is ready to give him a new family.

Also I’d be concerned about the way he’s talking about his ex. I highly doubt she’s totally awful and he’s a saint, there’s probably nastiness on both sides.

grapewine · 22/08/2021 14:20

@VodselForDinner

In her shoes, I wouldn’t want to meet my dad’s girlfriend so soon after my parents split up and my living arrangement changed either.

I can see no tangible benefits to the child of meeting you.

Agree with this.

This isn't about you and how you create a "second home" for her. It's about her and what she's ready for.

These last 18 months haven't exactly been normal.

MelbourneTerrace · 22/08/2021 14:22

Slow down!

After about 8 months together my DC's met my now partner - as my friend in a group of other friends. They got to know him as a friend of mine, months later, we took the DC's out for lunch...it took ages to build up their trust and for them to get to know this other adult as a person.
The way we did it meets your mum's suggestion that you get to know each other so that this child can build a relationship unfortunately you've moved on too early, too quickly and can't move back. She already knows you are in a relationship with her dad.
It's all a bit late!

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2021 14:23

maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens

Clock ticking @Goldbracelets? Talk about pouring salt in the wound for this poor kid, she couldn’t be a worse age for Dad to be off playing happy families with someone else.

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:23

She probably doesn't want a second home right now