Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

[Goldbracelets]

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

@LynseyLoses

I also agree that I don't trust the word of men who are in the midst of a split who use the "my ex is a crazy bitch" line. So many "crazy bitches" when they've split! It's classic

Not to say he is lying / re-writing history / exaggerating. Maybe he is bang on. But I'd be very wary and taking it extremely slowly with any man in the midst of a recent split with a "crazy woman".

Voice of experience!

Yep its The Script "My crazy ex bitch of a wife."

Aka she got sick of my shit

He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it

Why would she be happy that her relationship has broken down? It’s normal to grieve. It takes time. The relationship is at least 13 years old. You don’t get over that quickly. And there’s been whole heaps of shit going on in those 18 months.

There’s probably some mental health issues there

Or just someone struggling to manage her feelings for her ex. In a pandemic. Convenient for you to dismiss your part in that by calling it a ‘mental health issue’.

Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me

How could you possibly know? You’ve been party to their conversations in their home?

I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her

She is under no obligation to like you. You certainly won’t help the liking process by getting engaged to her father 18 months after he walked out on her mother.

My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible

With all due respect to your mum, her area of expertise is not separation and divorce. And if she has said that, it’s coming from a place of love for her daughter and wanting you to be happy, not from a professional place. As for realising you’re not terrible, that may be so but she still doesn’t have to be your best friend or even like you or want to spend time with you.

You’re not going to get the advice you’re looking for from up op. A lot of us have children of 13 or older. 13 year olds aren’t little kids anymore. If she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you, you cannot force her. What you’re proposing is nuts and going to be terrible for this girl’s mental health. Poor kid.

Oh yeah the crazy ex. Some exes are angry for a reason.

I would seriously question the judgement of a man who would get engaged without having even introduced his DD & GF.

How much of shit does he actually give about her wellbeing?

Other than that it's totally up to her if she doesn't want to see you.

My advice is back off. From the relationship and the daughter situation. Date him , take some time to see him for who he really is , wear a sparkly ring on your wedding finger if you like. But please do step back and make longterm decisions carefully.

You’re engaged to a man you’ve known a year despite never having lived with him and never having met the most important person in his life? Even worse, you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?

...and as for much of the past two years we have been in lockdown I am struggling to understand how you are engaged to someone who you could not really have met at all that much. In ordinary times it is rushed but during pandemic times it is supersonic speed.

Here we go again, another "ex wife with mental health issues". It's so boring and predictable and common.

Also your mother is wrong. Totally wrong.

I find it off putting to hear men call the Mother of their children horrible names. The new girlfriends always seem to fall for it because it suits them better. In alot of cases they have split because the man is either messing around, or a useless Dad and husband.
He might be calling you those same names oneday.
As for his daughter why on earth do you even expect her to want to meet you ?
Why do adults have this totally unrealistic view that just because the two of them like each other, the kids have to get on with new strangers too?
When l was 13 l couldn't think of anything worse.

So 18 months ago an 11/12-year-old found out that her dad was leaving the family home. No more seeing dad every day, no more chats, cuddles, hugs, telling offs(!), no more the ordinary activities of a child of that age involving dad. Instead, she has to see him, what, every other weekend? Not to mention the bloody pandemic. Now you are in the frame and that means less time for a very confused teen. She might well be blaming herself for her parent's split. Sorry, but you need to step away and let her father and the child sort themselves out first. And you have no idea what her mum is saying, none at all.

@ComeonJulia

You’ve only known him 18 months and you’re already engaged and planning children? If she doesn’t want to meet you she doesn’t have to. This seems very rushed to me.

Ive been married for many years to someone I was with for 6 months. But then again neither of us had kids, we weren't that desperate.

@MrsRobbieHart totally agree.
How on earth can you get engaged to a man when you’ve never met their child, never seen with your own eyes what type of parent they are, never lived together?

It's all a bit quick. I'd send the message back ''that's fine, your decision, totally understand!''.

Christ, you've been given a rough ride here OP. ...falling in love during a global pandemic?! How very dare you.

Seriously, it seems like the engagement has gone a little quick/in the wrong order but I wouldn't worry too much enough that.

Enjoy your time with him, let his DD get used to the idea and just see how it goes. Take the pressure off everyone.

One thing I have learned with attempting a blended family is that it rarely works and you just need to tweak things constantly for everyone involved.

Just continue enjoying your new relationship.

@TheFormidableMrsC

Here we go again, another "ex wife with mental health issues". It's so boring and predictable and common.

Also your mother is wrong. Totally wrong.

Yeh, I thought that. OP is naive to believe that the x has mental health problems.

If I were a good man with an 11 or 12 year old daughter and I left the relationship because my wife had mental health issues, absolutely the very last thing I would be doing would be cultivating new romances. I'd be staying very, very close by to make sure my child was ok.

Have you personally seen the crazy texts from the ex? Or did your partner just tell you about them?

Of course we an on taking things slow

You may feel everything is moving slowly but eighteen months from leaving one marriage to engaging yourself for another is not what I would consider slow.

What stage is his divorce at? Have they managed to agree a financial settlement ?

How many of his other friends and family have you met yet?

What are you thinking, considering having a baby with someone you really don't know very well, with whom you have never actually lived and whose current marriage is so very much not already ended in the eyes of the law.

Now look at it from his DD's point of view. You know you are a lovely person and want to make a home for her. She only knows that her DF seems to have moved on.

As far as his DD knows, only eighteen months ago he left her mother. March 2020 was a strange time for many of us and some things are only very slowly getting back to some semblance of normality.

Now she knows that he has a new girlfriend, which is a new level of finality for her parent's relationship.

Can you imaging yourself into her shoes. Would you want to meet you, if you were her?

What what you have told us, there is nothing I see which suggests a sensible way forward or any happy outcome.

My strongest hope for you is that you are using very reliable methods of contraception. And that the DD does not have a baby at the same time as her DF's girlfriend.

I’d be extremely wary about marrying a man who is happy to get engaged to someone who hasn’t met his daughter yet (especially if I wanted children with him).

It all seems very quick even if she doesn’t know you’re engaged.

18 months is not an inconsiderable amount of time. Congratulations on your engagement. As for the daughter she’s only known about you a few months, give it some more time. Your DP should speak about his life with you, that you went to this place or that you like whatever to show her your important to him. Yes she is important but just because she doesn’t want things to change doesn’t mean they won’t. But you both need to give her time and space and prepare her for these changes. When you do meet her don’t go over the top. Yes you want her to like you but you don’t always like everything about your family - what’s important is knowing they are there and support you.

@OiPanda

That's good. I think you're going to have to slow things down a bit if you want the 13 year-old to accept the relationship. Start with you coming round when she's there? Not staying the night but just coming round having a takeaway watching a film. Or meeting up with them and having lunch out.

This is appalling advice.

If you're in the UK, her parents split right at the start of the pandemic and you got with him in the middle of it, and now you're engaged, yet he's not divorced yet. How much time have you actually spent with this man to know he is such a good father? Those that have to brag about it, are generally questionable, in my experience.

Dial back the pressure to meet his DD, she's been through a lot recently. I'd also question whether he is in the right place to be in such a serious relationship so soon after his marriage breakdown.

And your mum is a crap educational psychologist if that's the advice she dishes out.

Op has flounced it seems.

Too soon.

His daughter has had to cope with her parents splitting, plus the pandemic. If she’s 13, she had only just started senior school when the pandemic and separation happened. A lot of changes all at once.

Don’t rush things. Invite her to events, but don’t be surprised if she turns them down. I was talking to a friend recently who dad got a new partner when she was fourteen. It took her two years for them to become friends, after a drunken heart to heart.

What capacity does your mum know your boyfriends daughter in?

Hell would freeze over before I'd consider having a child with a man who shows so little regard for the feelings of his own daughter.