Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

[Goldbracelets]

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

Their being engaged is entirely irrelevant though isn't it because it doesn't actually alter the reality of their relationship, does it? It's going to be relevant to the 13 year old who sounds like they are struggling to get to terms with a new girlfriend let alone the idea they'll be getting married.

Is he divorced yet?

In her eyes, meeting you is betraying her own mother.

It's not difficult to figure this out.

Leave her alone. Be patient. She's had enough upset without you forcing her to run to your timetable.

You’ve only known him 18 months and you’re already engaged and planning children? If she doesn’t want to meet you she doesn’t have to. This seems very rushed to me.

You're likely to get a lot of messages saying "put the 13yo first" and I definitely get that.

I won't add to those.

I will say, if you're no spring chicken and want to have children, do you not think you'd have been wiser picking someone who hasn't just split with the mother of his existing child? If it's true love and you want to be with him come hell or high water, then yes, take it slow, put his dd first etc. But if you want a family of your own, more than you want to be with this specific man, (even if that means you miss out on having your own dcs), then I would let this relationship go if I'm honest.

I'm being very direct and pragmatic here, which is easy for me to do as I don't know you or your dp, but it's really worth thinking about

Just a thought, but an important one...

I would question what your 'fiance' is saying about his ex wife.

In my experience, in such circumstances you will have rose-tinted glasses on, and thinking yourself 'in love' won't question what he is saying about her. I think you should.

The facts are, the information you are receiving about her is second hand. Via your 'fiance'. You have no evidence as to what actually happened between them. No evidence that the ex has 'mental health issues' - and no evidence as to how your 'fiance' behaved.

I would think twice about marrying him. Please take those rose tinted glasses off.

Was he married to his ex? You haven't mentioned divorce.

The whole thing is completely ridiculous. Getting "engaged" to a rebound girlfriend who hasn't even met your child.

There's a massive reality check needed here.

Is he divorced. If not you shouldn't be engaged. He is not free to marry.

I really would have serious concerns about a guy who asked me to be his fiance when I hadn't even met his child yet. I guess you thought it was all lovely and fabulous that you are engaged, but seriously? Do you really not see how inappropriate this is?

Don’t ambush her or pressure her to meet you, if she knows you know she doesn’t want to meet you yet and you make it happen anyway then the first piece of information she will learn about you is that you don’t think what she feels matters.

I’d just give her more time and space, why rush it? Her whole life has been turned upside down in less than 2 years.

As awful as this sounds, at her age... There really is absolutely nothing you can do to force her to meet you and like you.. The more you try to, the more you'll push her away.. You just have to accept she isn't ready to accept her dad in another relationship, she isn't ready to have a step mum and that unfortunately your fiancé will have a completely separate part of his life from you.. If you can accept that, then go for it.
However, I must say.. It's absolutely incredulous that you entertained getting engaged before even meeting her.. How could you possibly see a future with someone who can't share that part of his life with you.

@MrsRobbieHart

you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?

And, despite seeing how he treats his existing child, you want to give him another one to treat poorly? what’s wrong with you people?

And not to mention, by the way she phrased it, he's not even divorced yet, just separated. And going around planning a whole new life with someone his daughter hasn't met. Despicably selfish, both of them

I also agree that I don't trust the word of men who are in the midst of a split who use the "my ex is a crazy bitch" line. So many "crazy bitches" when they've split! It's classic

Not to say he is lying / re-writing history / exaggerating. Maybe he is bang on. But I'd be very wary and taking it extremely slowly with any man in the midst of a recent split with a "crazy woman".

Voice of experience!

@Goldbracelets

Are you being sarcastic? I’m looking for genuine advice. I want her to like me. I want to help create a second home for her.

But you're going to be forcing this. You can't make her like you if she doesn't want to.

Being engaged already should be relevant because it's a form of pressure that this new relationship doesn't need, given that

• It's only 18 months since the male partner's long term relationship with the mother of his child ended
• The mother is by all means not taking this well. Her behaviour may not be impeccable but there is obviously pain and conflict there
• The child is old enough to be aware of what's going on and will have her own feelings to manage, whilst reaching an age where children are often known to be quite tricky and emotional!
• The new couple have only been together a year at a time when life has not been normal for most of us anyway
• There's talk of bringing more children into what is currently quite a fraught situation

It seems a very short sighted and naive decision to agree in principle to marry someone when you don't even know if you can live with them yet because you haven't met their child. One thing at a time.

It's all too quick and that takes time to process as a child and 12/13 are difficult ages at the best of times.

I think you are being very unreasonable op. 18 months post marital split and her dad has a fiancee who is pushing for a meet up? Poor child. She needs more time at the very least.

Very good point actually that you only have this man's word to take for the behaviour of the ex partner and he's not an unbiased source is he!

Yep the “psycho ex” description is one we’ve all head before. Beware.

It’s also worrying that OP says “I want to help create a second home for her.”

Surely that already exists. She has a second home with her father. That’s their home. It’s not yours to welcome her into!

* You’re engaged to a man you’ve known a year despite never having lived with him and never having met the most important person in his life? Even worse, you’re engaged to a man who got engaged to someone without even checking to see if his child liked her?*

^This.

Have you met the rest of his family?

The fact you got engaged before even meeting her says that you have absolutely no consideration for her opinion or feelings at all and don't respect her enough to find out if she actually wants to be part of this family. Unfortunately it is a long waiting game, if you're not getting married for several years what was the relevance of getting engaged, surely all her father is doing is showing that you matter more than his daughter.

We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years

Why bother getting engaged then?

It feels like either a) father puts own wants before child, or b) father does care about child, but wants to 'lock in' new girlfriend with a bullshit engagement promise.

Christ, how are you not getting that the engagement is the problem, not the daughter not wanting to meet you?

You sound naive, OP. I would reconsider the whole relationship if I were you, as I can't see it bringing anything other than problems and unhappiness for you.

However you seem to have disengaged from the thread already, so you probably won't see this advice.

And going around planning a whole new life with someone his daughter hasn't met.
I suspect that he is telling OP what she wants to hear, secret engagement etc, rather than seriously planning a new life with her. "Secret Engagements" are rarely legitimate.