Really stuck with DSS now

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

If he’s concerned about something it’s good he spoke to his nan about it. I would be encouraging that

I would agree if it was the same nan he shares with my DS but with all the lying and tattling that's been going on in the midst of all of this and the fact that the same nan has done things in the past to try and take DSC away from DP simply because she hates him it worries me, that's all.

How old?

9

It really depends on what it was.

You can’t control how close he feels to his Nan and if he was concerned it’s good he told someone.

If he was concerned about something that "out of context could involve social services" it would seem good that he has someone he feels able to talk to.

I think it’s normal for children with separated parents to talk about the things that happened at the other house with their other family (I know I certainly did).

To you his nan is someone unrelated but to your dss she’s part of his family, and his family includes his dad and brother. It’s quite natural to talk to your Nan about your dad and brother... even if she’s not connected to them herself- they are a big part of his life. He could have been concerned or just generally chatting, but either way his Nan is an appropriate person to go to.

I agree it is good that he felt like he has an adult he can speak to, I think my issue is the history behind how his nan has been towards my DP and his previous girlfriends, I don't know her, she could have picked up the phone to social and that's every mother's nightmare especially when there's nothing to be concerned about.

I think I just want to be able to show him that he can't just tell anyone anything, (I know she's not anyone to him but she is to me and my family) I don't want him to get himself into a pickle when he's older and especially when he twists the truth a lot.

But this was something that could have involved social services out of context so was potentially pretty serious.

@Just10moreminutesplease

I completely agree with you, my problem is the tattling in between. He's been so brazen accusing his dad of things that haven't happened and his mum and nan have believed him, i think im just scared if he says something he thinks is innocent and they take it the wrong way or he twists something about me and my son.

Surely attempting to silence a dc for whatever reason could have major fallout?
He is entitled to speak freely if he has worries... Maybe he isn't great at explaining things /distinguishing between fact and fiction?

@Greenwateringcan

No, it's abit like what I saw the other day where the child innocently said 'I'm off to go home now to watch dad beat mum' now in the child's head it meant 'watch dad beat mum at so and so game' but to the school it looked like DV and understandably they got authorities involved.

My DS was having a bit of a mental breakdown over lunch when it was really hot, my DP got abit frustrated and instead of asking me to step in to give him a break he took him off to his crib.

My DS has a birth mark on his shoulder that my DSS has never seen because he's not that interested in my DS. my DSS has seen that after the incident with my DP getting frustrated and has claimed his dad purposely injured my DS.

That's where my issue lies, with situations being seen differently because of little details.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

I agree but I would have thought if he was worried about my DS why not speak to me, what's his nan going to do about it?

Like I said before, if it was the other nan that they share then I could understand because she could have a word with my DP or me but from what DM said, DSS said it to his nan and didn't want his dad to know he'd said it.

Kids talk to the people they feel close to about stuff that is worrying them. You can’t control that.

@Greenwateringcan

I know and my intention isn't to silence him but I would like to discuss it with him.

As far as I was aware it was mine and my DP issue, I spoke to my DP about it and it was resolved.

My DSS has a tendency to adopt adult issues, such as worrying about things that are completely out of his control and are his mums problems or his dads.
We don't argue infront of the kids, we don't say anything negative about mum or family infront of the kids to avoid things like this and because it's the right thing to do.

I can’t see how talking to him will help. You’ll be giving him ammunition for yet another thing to tell people and potentially get confused about or twist.

I’d draw a line in your head on this one and not engage.

If you tell him not to tell people if he things his dad has injured a baby and it gets passed around you’ll look like you’ve got something to hide and you’re bullying a confused 9 year old to cover it up.

Is his dad as worried about these lies?

And does he have anxiety? Why would you need to support him if his mum thought he did?

It sounds like an upsetting situation but not one that can he healed by you talking to him about it.

He had a genuine concern, albeit he has jumped to the wrong conclusion and chose to confine in someone he felt close to. That’s exactly what we encourage children to do. How do you think it will look like if dss told someone that you told him he should not talk to his nan about any concerns he has about things happening in your house. You can’t control what your dss says to anyone else.

I think I just want to be able to show him that he can't just tell anyone anything, (I know she's not anyone to him but she is to me and my family) I don't want him to get himself into a pickle when he's older and especially when he twists the truth a lot.

But that's a really bad message to give him. He SHOULD be able to talk to any trusted adult, family member, scout leader, teacher about anything. Telling him he shouldn't be telling certain people certain things is dangerous - it's not far from 'Let's keep this our secret.'

If he misinterprets stuff and SS phone you then yeah it's a bit awkward. But not something you should be desperate to avoid at all costs. Otherwise it sounds like you have something to hide.

@AnneLovesGilbert

His dad is at his wits end with them, 99% of the stuff he says about his dad when he goes home isn't true, DSD has said multiple times that DSS is constantly lying.

DSS has admitted he is jealous of DS, he's admitted he wants mum and dad to get back together (they have been separated since he was 1), it seems he's tried a variety of things to separate previous gfs of his dad. It's so hard because I just want to be able to support him but I can't when I don't understand what's going on in his head. He will speak to me openly but then clams up, he speaks to his mum but like I've said, when mum comes back to us with what he's said it's all made up.

I think he has separation anxiety because he doesn't want to go to school and leave mum and dad, he hates any time away from his mum it doesn't matter what it is, yes at the age of 9 it can happen from what I've read, basically he didn't want to come to our house for a long time but mum made him until shit hit the fan and he broke down on her which is what one of my previous posts is about and everything he said was either twisted or a complete lie about his dad.
His mum was worried he had anxiety and asked me to sit down with him which I did, I fed back to her everything and was trying to sort a sit down with the adults in his life and DSS to reassure him because he has issues in both homes but she flaked, I've left the ball in her court as his mum, I'll do what I can but at the end of the day it's her responsibility in the sense of, I can't get him help or go any further with it if you get what I mean.

I get what you say that it will look fishy, I know I already look fishy talking about it trying to defend it but I can't express it anymore that the whole incident has been blown out of proportion.

My dss (8) lies/sees things differently too. He told his mum I drove him down a closed road where a sinkhole was last week. He blames my ds for things he's done and even when you've literally witnessed him do something he'll say my ds did it first. It's annoying and I can see why you're worried OP. I've told dh that I won't look after him by myself due to my job being at risk if a child protection concern comes in about me.

I don't have any advice, my ds used to make things up when he was younger and once told his teachers that I sent him to the chip shop by himself to get me and dd food when he was 5/6. I was called into the school for that, he also told teachers we went in a hot air balloon and other stories that had a grain of truth but wasn't the truth. It feels different when its not your child and there isn't a way to prove you're not the one lying.

A 9 year old will talk to the adult they feel comfortable with, who is present when they feel ready to talk. 9 year olds - and most children and teens - won't be considering the ins and outs of the dynamic and history between adults in their lives if something is worrying them, and will often brood on things, then come out with their worries at unexpected moments.

Honestly OP your expectations of a 9 year old are unrealistic.

They pop out of their room when you're on your way to bed and think they're asleep to confess to having lost the book they were meant to return to school yesterday, or tell you on the slip road onto the motorway about something they witnessed three days ago at school which worried them.

Once they've blurted out whatever was worrying them and heard a response which assures them they've been listened to and an adult they trust knows they are massively relieved to the point that sometimes they forget about the worry because they've passed the burden of it on to someone better able to carry it.

A 9 year old won't, and shouldn't have to, consider the dynamic between their trusted adults before unburdening themselves of what can build up to be a crippling worry (even if its objectively just a misunderstanding of something harmless blown out of proportion).

You can't expect adult subtlety and understanding of a 9 year old.

@titchy

I think what I meant was, as adults we wouldn't waltz into work and say something to someone totally irrelevant of the situation a half informed thing that might have consequences.

I know he's only a child, I just, I don't know what I want to come out of it I suppose. I'm just so fried, it's hard when people don't know the ins and outs of the relationships but his nan is not someone welcome in our house and he's talking about my son, I suppose I've gotten abit defensive over my son really.

The nan might not be your DC's nan but it's his nan and obviously someone he trusts. And he is only 9. I would let it go if I were you

It's also hard to advise when we really don't know the incident or your DP (did he "manhandle" the child while taking him to his cot? Perhaps dad has been physical with him before you came on the scene hence his concern). A few things you have said in your post also have me worried about whats really going on but that's a different post.

In a way, your DSS knows your dp and differently from how you know him. He was concerned and talked about it with his trusted person. Perhaps you should take courage that he has your DC's back

@StarryNight468

Thank you for feeling my frustration 💕

It is so hard, I've just replied to someone and said I think I've just got defensive over my son because he's dragging my son into his other life and in my head that's not for him to do.

I'm just so desperate for this to end, the lies and twisting. I know it's an attention thing but it's the wrong kind of attention and actually out of him and his sister (excluding our son because he's only a baby) he gets literally everything, all the attention and she gets nothing. (This is in his mums house, our house we treat all the kids as equal to their age range)

My DS has a birth mark on his shoulder that my DSS has never seen because he's not that interested in my DS. my DSS has seen that after the incident with my DP getting frustrated and has claimed his dad purposely injured my DS.

You have baby photos showing this mark? Proof positive that it's a lie.