Really stuck with DSS now

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

You actually do. It’s as clear as day in your posts. And if it’s that clear here, your stepson will know too.

You can’t stand his mum and his nan and your DSS will know that.

Why are you so involved anyway? You’re partner should be leading this, and dealing with it. Not you

*your

That's incredibly dismissive of his mom there OP

@Greenwateringcan

You know that's one question that really pisses me off 'why are you involved? Why are you asking?' It's a stupid question.

Because I thought this was Mumsnet where fellow mums and step mums help eachother out and also because this is my family. Just because I've asked for advice doesn't mean my DP is a shit dad, it just means we work as a team.

The problem lots of stepmoms face is that the dad should be taking the lead and managing situations but so often they don't!

This is Op's family unit and has every right to have a say and be involved. A lot of dads are so crap that it would be negligent of the step mum not to get involved

I never said your DP was a shit dad.

The two who should be working as a team as your DSS mum and dad. You shouldn’t be as involved as you are.

@rishisboater
I think most step mums take the lead because they're expected to as women and some just have that motherly vibe about them.

I did it because I wanted to support my partner with his kids, I'm glad I did it. Yes situations like this present themselves but I couldn't imagine just leaving my partner to go through it alone.

@Greenwateringcan

No I know but that's what a lot of people jump to when step mums ask for help.

Oh a wholly agree with you there! In a perfect world there would be no bitterness, hate or resentment between any separated mums and dads but sometimes people are so narrow minded and strung up on what the other one did or too busy trying to make the other ones life miserable that they can't see that they don't matter anymore and it's about the kids.

@Greenwateringcan

With what I've just said, yeah mum is not my favourite person but not because of the shit she throws at my partner because he's a grown man and can handle that, but from some of the choices she makes with the kids.
There's nothing I can do about it except for pick up the pieces our end so the kids enjoy their time with us.

No one is perfect and each day with a child is a learning curve but when the same mistakes are being made you have to question it.

as adults we wouldn't waltz into work and say something to someone totally irrelevant of the situation a half informed thing that might have consequences

He’s not an adult. He shouldn’t be aware of conflict between the adults in his life. He is allowed to talk with his Nan or any other adult he trusts. He saw something that worried him, he dealt with it.

mum isn't doing a skilled job or a job requiring certain education so she could have got a job during school hours so she could be there for the kids but chose not to

Could you be any more judgemental? Are all parents who work shifts or odd hours choosing not to be there for their children or are they working to support their children? I’m guessing you’d have something to say if she didn’t work.

@Getawaywithit

No he's not an adult but with the way he's going with a lot of the things he's said and done I get worried. How do you teach a child consequences to actions without speaking to them like an adult? (Genuine question not trying to be an arsehole) and yep I know he's allowed to do that I'm not in anyway trying to stop or take that away from him.

It wasn't meant to be judgemental, my point being if I was on a minimum wage job (as she is) which didn't require a 'skill' as such (as she is) then I would find a job that would fit round my children so that I was there for them such as working in Tesco, in a shop or receptions or something like that. I'm not trying to say these people aren't skilled or low paid jobs are shit, I've been there and done them there's nothing wrong with it. What's wrong in my eyes is choosing a job where you're off all day when your kids are at school and then just before they need picking up you fuck off to work and continuously shove your kids on ever Tom dick or Harry and then miraculously when you don't have your kids you don't have work. Maybe it's me that feels that if you have the opportunity to be there for your children you would take it.

The kids are already passed between the two parents, the last thing they need is being passed from pillar to post when with mum.

Some ludicrous comments recently. Ignore the daftness, OP. You and your DH are doing your best.

Some people just like to pretend you aren't just to have a go. Ignore, ignore, ignore people making things up.

@DancesWithTortoises

Thank you 💕

if I was on a minimum wage job (as she is) which didn't require a 'skill' as such (as she is) then I would find a job that would fit round my children

Ah, she’s minimum wage and unskilled and couldn’t even get a job to fit around her children. Gotcha.

What's wrong in my eyes is choosing a job where you're off all day when your kids are at school and then just before they need picking up you fuck off to work and continuously shove your kids on ever Tom dick or Harry and then miraculously when you don't have your kids you don't have work

Just stop with the judgement. Just because there is unskilled work out there doesn’t mean she was able to get that perfect unskilled job that fits around her children at the point she needed to get a job.

Maybe it's me that feels that if you have the opportunity to be there for your children you would take it

You’re aware of how many jobs were applied for and how many job offers she had with hours that fit around the children? You’re aware of her exact financial situation and any issues she is currently facing? You’re aware of where she wants to go in life and how this particular job might be a stepping stone towards that?

You’re really quite unpleasant. You can guarantee your DSS understands exactly what you think about his mum. You might need to do some self-reflection to help solve some of the issues you are now facing.

@Getawaywithit

You're very criticising aren't you?

My DSS has no idea how I feel about his mum, I've never told him I've never shown it. When I see her once a week we get on really well and especially infront of the kids, we speak about the kids and communicate with eachother.

What I think and what I portray are two different things completely.

Do you have any idea what it's like living with a 9 year old boy who is constantly spouting lies about your home, about your partner and no one believes you? Do you have any idea how it feels to sit and worry that one of those lies could be so severe one day it could cause a chain reaction that could affect my son?

I'm not a child, I don't act like one. I understand the kids need stability and that is what we try and give in our household.

What I think about their mother is an entirely different ball game. I cannot make her do anything, I know most of her situation but I don't tell her how to live her life. Who am I to do that?

So don't come on here analysing and twisting every last little thing I say to suit your agenda.

I asked for help, not to be torn down by another mum/step mum. Or maybe you're not even a mum at all?

If you haven't got anything positive or helpful to say then bore off because struggling step mums don't have the time for people like you.

Something to have a think about too is that you only have a baby, right? Your DP should really know more about how to handle this. For example, the suggestion I made below about sitting down with DSS is something I've picked up from years of awkward conversations with kids and teens that I wouldn't have known when I had one tiny one.

I think that with a 9 year old your DP could be able to take the lead a bit more with the benefit of experience.

I was step mum to an 8 year old (up to 18) and my own dd was a baby. I had no bloody clue what I was doing being delivered this child of 8 to manage. DH had no idea either and it wasn't until years later I thought... hang on, it wasn't new to him! Why did it fall on me to know what to do!

I don't think your DH sounds like a crap dad or any of that nonsense. But I do think if he woke up a bit and actively managed the situation then both his son and his wife would be feeling better about things

[quote ilikeagoodsarnie]@Getawaywithit

No he's not an adult but with the way he's going with a lot of the things he's said and done I get worried. How do you teach a child consequences to actions without speaking to them like an adult? (Genuine question not trying to be an arsehole) and yep I know he's allowed to do that I'm not in anyway trying to stop or take that away from him.

It wasn't meant to be judgemental, my point being if I was on a minimum wage job (as she is) which didn't require a 'skill' as such (as she is) then I would find a job that would fit round my children so that I was there for them such as working in Tesco, in a shop or receptions or something like that. I'm not trying to say these people aren't skilled or low paid jobs are shit, I've been there and done them there's nothing wrong with it. What's wrong in my eyes is choosing a job where you're off all day when your kids are at school and then just before they need picking up you fuck off to work and continuously shove your kids on ever Tom dick or Harry and then miraculously when you don't have your kids you don't have work. Maybe it's me that feels that if you have the opportunity to be there for your children you would take it.

The kids are already passed between the two parents, the last thing they need is being passed from pillar to post when with mum. [/quote]
Are you working? Do you know the mother hasn't actually tried to get a job during school hours? Comments like this about the mum don't portray a stepmum in the best light.

If your DSS is telling lies, your DH needs to talk to him, not you and explain exactly how serious the consequences of him doing so can be. You can't be constantly worried about what he will say, that's not fair on you and the family, it would be like walking on eggshells.

@rishisboater

That makes a lot of sense, I think he feels so stuck with what to do which I do understand.
His son is spouting lies about him constantly and from what my DP said he has no idea what he's done wrong and DSS won't say, he literally just says 'I don't know'

DP is active in trying to sit him down and talk to him, encourage him to talk in a safe space and also ensure him he is loved ect...

The current situation DSS doesn't want dad to know he's said anything, he's got this stigma that if he says something he doesn't want dad to know because he gets into trouble. Well yeah, he's lied and most of the time when you speak to him he admits he lied so he gets into some form of trouble but he's never been punished because the whole circle of 'daddy is horrible to me' starts again.

I think it's ultimately getting to the bottom of why he feels like he needs to lie about his dad and DP needs to do that not me. I feel for mum because she gets worried sending DSS here based on what DSS says to her and that's another thing that is frustrating because if DSS didn't lie, mum wouldn't feel like that.

@anon12345678901

Currently on mat leave, going back in September on hours that fit round my childcare.
I've never not had a job.

True, I don't know that you do have a point but previously when she's changing jobs or looking the kids would say something or she would mention it to us herself.

This is the thing, how do you explain consequences? What I want to say about the current situation is 'I know your not worried about DS because you don't give a shit about him when you're here and you've outright wished he wasn't here so what you tattling to your nan about your dad for? And she could call social services on some half arsed info you've given her which ain't good!'
I know I can't say that I definitely won't but what do you say?

Already walking on eggshells, he earwigs on conversations feeds them back to mum and makes out as if we've said something bad directly to him, we've come to the point where we almost don't talk when he's here which doesn't show anything positive.

I just wish it went back to the sweet little boy he was a year ago, I know kids change and things happen and life isn't always easy but if the only thing that has changed him is DS then what can we do?

It’s not just him that has changed. You and his dad have had a baby.

@Greenwateringcan
I know, his mum said that possibly by us having a baby has shattered his dream of mum and dad getting back together, even though he's been told multiple times in a child friendly way it's never going to happen (not by me by mum and dad)

I just don't know what to do about that, we've had a baby. Yes some attention, way more mine then dads, has been directed to baby but what can we do to show him he's not loved any less or wanted any less.
Yes I'll have more of a love for my son than DSS and maybe he's seen that but it's not me he's been gunning for.

We've planned day trips without DS, we're taking them to theme parks without DS to spend time and focus on DSC. We're trying, we're actually more involved with DSC now than ever before so I just don't get it.

What I want to say about the current situation is 'I know your not worried about DS because you don't give a shit about him when you're here and you've outright wished he wasn't here so what you tattling to your nan about your dad for? And she could call social services on some half arsed info you've given her which ain't good!'

This just demonstrates you haven't listened (as I said last night) to a single thing anyone has said. You have taken nothing on board and are still 100% blaming the 9 year old for the adults issues.

You really have wasted not only your own time but that of most people in the thread because no matter what is said/explained/advised you still have an ill feeling towards a child when the fault lies with all the adults involved and despite what you have said this absolutely does include you.

I wonder if he feels he has to make out like things are bad at yours to please his mum? I guess we can't know but it does happen

@rishisboater

He's admitted he agrees to things at his mums to make her happy even if he doesn't want to do it.

@pastafeend

What I want to say and what I do are two totally different things.

I've taken a lot on board but how I feel won't change at the snap of my fingers, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him at the minute. Things take time but I won't even give him an incling of how I feel.

And as for how he feels, that will take time for him to trust and come out with I am aware of that too