Really stuck with DSS now

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

@ilikeagoodsarnie of course not. But you may find that they go through periods of bring close and less close over the next 18 years, depending what stage they are both at.

@Porcupineintherough

But I can't help but think it's strange after this recent incident.

I don't know what to do, I'm scared of what he will interpret now. You know, he doesn't know how a baby acts and what's normal for a baby, he doesn't know my DS cues like when he gets grumbly because he wants a nap but it sounds like he's upset when he's not. So what happens if he interprets it all wrong and feeds the info back again and it escalates?

From a mum perspective ignoring the fact I am also a step mum, it is terrifying knowing that someone can miss interpret things and involve authorities for the wrong reasons which can turn your life upside down even for a brief period.

I think I am just worried that's all.

I think this thread has gone from 'this has happened what do I do?' To 'yeah okay I completely accept he trusts someone that's great I can't do much about it' too 'behaviour has got weirder, I'm now panicking but I still can't do anything about it'

This boy at 9 years is still very very young, he needs lots of love, attention, positivity, kindness, time, fun and acceptance from his dad. Your partner needs to spend time alone with DSS each visit to build a better relationship.

In regards to DSs ‘lies’, they are not lies to him, they are concerns. Talking to other adults is healthy and the best way to safeguard his half siblings. He’s clearly desperately worried and although he likes you maybe he doesn’t fully trust your judgment and ability to take action.

This DSS needs an independent adult to talk to, someone at school or a councillor.

It might be worth feeding back to DM that your concerned that her mum is adding to his anxiety issues. Although granny might have a valid opinion of your partner based on sound reasons

That’s not a lie, your DP instigated the removal of the play station and then sat down with your DSS to explain why. The removal of the PlayStation was 100% down to your partner and the first DSS knew of it was when he was told, so in his eyes that was the moment it was removed. But also why make a big thing out of what he told his mum? It’s not necessary to make DSSs statement a bigger thing then it is

Personally I’d be worried that DSS doesn’t trust your partner at all and I’d be alert that there maybe good reasons why. DSS watching you both with DS shows concern which could be genuine or come from his gran. It might be worth warmly and kindly asking DSS if there’s something he’s worried about as you feel he’s watching DSS very closely. You can reassure him about how much you love DS and DSS and that you’ll not let anything happen

Has DP ever hurt DSS? Even as a much smaller child before you were about. Did DSS know of or sense physical or mentally abusive between DP and his previous partners?

You’ve nothing to hide and transparency is best. Involve an independent councillor or similar. It sounds like your DS needs help to make sense of lots of different things around him

@ilikeagoodsarnie so I think this tread is going a bit like they can do in this area.

I totally as a mum and a SM get the fear, it's completely valid. But as a SM I think the best advice I can give is to step back and distance yourself from this and drop that rope. It seems to be your catching fear from DH and you seem to be getting put in a position to solve it. You can't, this is between DH and mum to work out for DSC. You will lose your mind if you don't.

You can always try and help make sure DH and mums relationship stays positive from side lines but DH needs to keep doing what he's doing which is being a parent not a pal to DSC.

From DSC perspective his dad may have always been a pal and let him get away with a lot previously so now he's like hold up, I want it back to the way it was before. It's natural rebellion that all kids so to test boundaries. There isn't malice in it but DSC and simply figured out something that works and gets the adults to jump.

But for you - it's detaching time. And that's the advice you would be getting if you weren't a SM and to be fair I think pps have said just that.

In not sure how people can't see the PlayStation thing as a lie. It's not a simple misinterpretation. His words word 'daddy took the PlayStation out infront of me' as in he physically went in and ripped the PlayStation out infront of his eyes.

It's similar to a child saying 'daddy just hit me' infront of a bunch of people when the same people were there and it didn't happen.

The focus was put on the fact of my DP 'ripping' the PlayStation out infront of DSS, mum was not happy at the amount of aggression which there was none and that's why it was escalated by mum (understandably by the way she was told by DSS)

Like I've said, I get he views things through his eyes differently and I've accepted that BUT when things are straight up lies, there is no way you can interpret the PS physically not being there before DSC turn up into dad ripping it out of the TV in an aggressive manner when they're there.

@newomums

I agree with you, it doesn't matter how much I try and explain (and I have) I'm always the one in the wrong. I've taken on board what a lot of people have said and I think stepping back is the final step really.

I wanted to help as much as possible but if that's not going to do much then stepping back is all I can do.

I just want to protect my DS and now from the strange behaviour DSS is exhibiting.

I think maybe what DSS finds hard is at mums he gets all the attention, pretty much whatever he wants, he screams and shouts at mum and is really mean to his sister. I've seen some of this behaviour a couple of times when I've been in her house and it's like a completely different child. Whereas at our house we don't tolerate his behaviour so he doesn't do it and the attention is given as equally as possible to all three kids which he might not like.

Additionally, I have noticed the past month DSD has spent a lot of time with DS, she absolutely adores him and will spend hours playing with him which means she's not giving DSS attention and I've seen him get in a huff with her a few times over it.
But she's said many times, 'I don't like DSS' 'DSS lies all the time to mummy' 'DSS is really mean to me all the time' so I think she's doing it on her own admission because she's had enough.

Stepping back I am!!

what does your dp think about dsd's situation?
it is heart breaking.

@bluebell34567

We both feel bad for her, there's nothing we can do she quite clearly doesn't want to live with her brother but unfortunately that's the way it goes. If mum and dad were together she'd just have to put up with it.

We'd both be happy to discuss all of this with mum but she won't have a bad word said about DSS so it would all just fall on deaf ears and mum is never bothered about anything that would benefit DSD so we couldn't go down that route either.