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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really stuck with DSS now

210 replies

ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 20:32

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 21:57

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I 100% agree with you and if he were my son I would be protecting him from all the adult crap going on in his life and we try to, with both of the DSC.

Unfortunately he is well aware his dad and his nan are mortal enemies, more from his nan.
His nan is constantly saying crap about their dad to them, just last week they both came back saying 'nanny says daddy is a crap and useless daddy' a couple of months back there was an incident where nan was screaming through dads window when the kids were their that he was a shit dad and doesn't care about them.
All her opinions obviously and they're all incorrect because it's the little bits she gets from her daughter from time to time when DP physically cannot do something for the kids once in a blue moon.

He is wise to it, so in my mind him saying what he said to her maybe gave him the justification to continue with what he says about his dad. I don't know, that's where I'm stuck at right now.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 21:59

@GingerScallop

My mum pretty much said the same thing funnily enough 😂

I agree with both you and my mum, I wasn't there for the first 6 years of DSS life so I have no idea but from what I have seen in the past 3 years doesn't warrant what my DP is getting from my DSS.

I've been on Mat leave most of this year now and haven't left baby with my DP only because I haven't needed to so I am 100% sure my DP hasn't done anything to our son which I should be concerned about.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:00

@SpaceshiptoMars

I do but I'm not parading my son on a chat room, I hope you can respect that.

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Greenwateringcan · 21/07/2021 22:01

[quote ilikeagoodsarnie]@SpaceshiptoMars

I do but I'm not parading my son on a chat room, I hope you can respect that. [/quote]
I think what they meant was if social services ask questions. Not that you’d post a pic here.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:03

@Greenwateringcan

Oh yeah definitely, id even be happy to show it on my son.

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pastafeend · 21/07/2021 22:03

@Greenwateringcan

Kids talk to the people they feel close to about stuff that is worrying them. You can’t control that.

This. You seem to have some sort of issue with him talking to his Nan. You shouldn't. It's his Nan.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:06

@pastafeend

I've mentioned in previous replies (their very long so I understand if you haven't read them) that the relationship from our household to his nan isn't good at all and DSS knows that.

My worry is that nan in all her spite would use it as a weapon against my DP and the whole rigmarole of proving nothing actually happened is scary if she did use it.

I know I can't stop him telling his nan things but it's bloody exhausting to be constantly defending yourself and your family because a 9 year old won't stop lying or tells something with half information that makes mum explode Atleast once a week.

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titchy · 21/07/2021 22:10

[quote ilikeagoodsarnie]@pastafeend

I've mentioned in previous replies (their very long so I understand if you haven't read them) that the relationship from our household to his nan isn't good at all and DSS knows that.

My worry is that nan in all her spite would use it as a weapon against my DP and the whole rigmarole of proving nothing actually happened is scary if she did use it.

I know I can't stop him telling his nan things but it's bloody exhausting to be constantly defending yourself and your family because a 9 year old won't stop lying or tells something with half information that makes mum explode Atleast once a week. [/quote]
Honestly I think you need to step back. Leave all communication with DSS's mum to your dp. If she goes off on one because he said something just hand the phone to dp to set the story straight. Disengage. He's your dp's responsibility, not yours.

Changednamesorry · 21/07/2021 22:11

He's 9 years old speaking to his grandma. You would be absolutely out if order to try and police that. Your stepson probably feels the resentment you are displaying here and so it might help if you were a bit nicer and kinder to the poor kid.

If my son was told he wasn't allowed to speak to his grandmother about something to do with his brother I'd hit the roof.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/07/2021 22:12

I do but I'm not parading my son on a chat room, I hope you can respect that.

I'm sorry if that's the impression I gave. I meant that if you have cast iron proof that one big lie is a lie, then SS are more likely to be dubious about his other wild claims.

pastafeend · 21/07/2021 22:14

I've mentioned in previous replies (their very long so I understand if you haven't read them) that the relationship from our household to his nan isn't good at all and DSS knows that.

He is 9. He doesn't need to 'know that'

The relationship between your 'household' and his Nan has nothing to do with him. Again, he is a 9 year old child. If he is comfortable talking to his Nan then you have no right to expect he doesn't. You really need to get past this idea that you can dictate this. You can't.

acolderwar · 21/07/2021 22:18

I mean, what on earth were you planning to say to him? 'We hate your nan and she hates us so don't you ever tell her about anything that goes on in this house or social services may get involved and it'll be all your fault'?!

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:19

@titchy

I do that already, she aims all her shit at my DP and actually I keep her on the good side, I don't really like conflict which is why this in particular is driving me mad, it seems like the tale telling and going back and forth between mum and dad lying has been going on forever!

I think she only told me this today because of what and how DSS said it and she didn't think I knew. DSS also slipped a huge lie into this one too.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:20

@Changednamesorry

He's told his mum so many times he prefers me to his dad and that he absolutely loves me.
I give him as much as I give his sister, I just don't particularly like what he's doing at the minute and that's really hard to hold in, especially when he's just dragged my son into the mix.

I would never tell him to stop talking to his nan.

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UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 22:20

ilikeagoodsarnie that's a shocking level of drama for young children to be witnessing. It must be difficult for all of you but especially the primary school aged children - it really messes children up to see that sort of drama and animosity between people they love (his nan and his dad). He's probably trying separately to seek approval from both by telling them what he thinks they want to hear. In all honesty it would be surprising if a child living in the middle of all that wasn't a bit messed up! It must be frightening to a child to have one person they love screaming abuse at another person they love.

Have the step children had any kind of play therapy to work through their mixed emotions and feelings about their nan and dad? Is there no way to prevent the drama of direct conflict (restraining order?) because its pretty traumatic for the children to witness?

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/07/2021 22:21

I can't help thinking there must be a children's book with a moral tale like this - boy who cried wolf kind of thing. Keep telling ridiculous lies, and then when it matters personally to you, nobody believes you and you are up the creek without a paddle.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:21

@SpaceshiptoMars

No it's okay, I think I'm just in defensive mum mode so I apologise the way I came back to you.

Yeah, I'm more than happy to show pictures to the right people or even if authorities ever showed up they could see it for themselves, I have no issues with that.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:23

@pastafeend

This is from my previous post, I agree with you he shouldn't know that but that's not on our part and something we cannot control.

'Unfortunately he is well aware his dad and his nan are mortal enemies, more from his nan.
His nan is constantly saying crap about their dad to them, just last week they both came back saying 'nanny says daddy is a crap and useless daddy' a couple of months back there was an incident where nan was screaming through dads window when the kids were their that he was a shit dad and doesn't care about them.
All her opinions obviously and they're all incorrect because it's the little bits she gets from her daughter from time to time when DP physically cannot do something for the kids once in a blue moon.'

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MeltingFlamenco · 21/07/2021 22:24

@Changednamesorry

He's 9 years old speaking to his grandma. You would be absolutely out if order to try and police that. Your stepson probably feels the resentment you are displaying here and so it might help if you were a bit nicer and kinder to the poor kid.

If my son was told he wasn't allowed to speak to his grandmother about something to do with his brother I'd hit the roof.

Resentment?

The OP is (rightly if you ask me) concerned about the DSS saying things to a seemingly problematic adult that could cause ramifications for her and her son.

The grandma screams and shouts at her DP, would you want such a person being given potentially damaging yet false information if you were the OP or DP in this post?

Bonkers.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:25

@acolderwar

I'll be honest, I was really angry this afternoon and that was pretty much exactly what I wanted to say.
I know it's not acceptable and I would never ever say that to him as a child and when things like this have happened before I go off my head at my DP but calm myself down so that if I do speak to him it's in an appropriate manner.
I just wanted to get it from his perspective, why did he think it was so important to tell his nan? And the way he told it apparently made it seem really serious.

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Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 22:26

The problem is with blended families, is that they are absolutely blended. So while his nan might be nothing to you, she is to dss.

I understand you wanting to keep it all separate, especially under the circumstances, but its not separate. You are all dss family.

Dss can't but it all in boxes where he can only get part of his life out if the box when he is with you. And then put it away again when he leaves.

And if he did refuse to speak about your household, while with his nan. That raises even more suspicion. If she is the type to report you to SS she will do then. Though it appears you don't like her because of what she has done to dp exs? Which I assume you didn't witness?

Is this nan, is mum's mother? And how did your mum find this out?

I think its worth concentrating on his anxiety and upset, or his parents should concentrate on that. And then the rest will seem easier to deal with.

HalzTangz · 21/07/2021 22:27

Have you tried child counselling to see why he tells these fibs.

As for telling his nan he absolutely did the right thing. In his eyes he saw his dad being grumpy with a baby, he then saw dad with bay, and saw what he thought was a bruise. In his mind dad hit the bay and this worried him. He clearly trusts his nan and spoke with her,telling her in confidence (ultimately not wanting to get his dad in trouble for what he perceived as dad hitting the baby).

Now obviously you knew it was a birth mark he saw so knew there was no hitting.

Na did the right thing by speaking with the mother who in turn spoke to you. This alone shows they didnt outright believe the boy (if they did, you would have been non the wiser until social services turned up)

But let's reverse this, if a child saw an adult hit another child, or saw a bruise on a crying child with an angry parent, wouldn't you want that child to tell someone?

pastafeend · 21/07/2021 22:27

You are deliberately ignoring the point. It doesn't matter if he knows there is bad feeling between the two, it matters that you do not place any of it on to him. He should be allowed to maintain a relationship with his Nan, and talk to her about anything he wants. Nine year old children should not ever be put in a position where they have to edit what they say to their family members based in the adults feuding.

I'm not sure why you have ousted though as you are determined that not only are you right, but there is blame at the door of a 9 year old.

You say he caused problems a lot, can you see he is probably trying to reach the attention of the adults failing him?

Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 22:29

I see you mentioned dss DM, sorry Blush

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 22:29

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

It is, it's also extremely unnecessary for them to witness.
My DSS is constantly saying yes to everything to make his mum and his nan happy and has openly said many times he's agreed to stuff he doesn't want to to because he doesn't want to upset mummy. There's nothing we can do because mum thinks we're lying when we tell her.
My DSD is oblivious to most things, I'll always give her the time and opportunity to talk if she ever needs to and she has before but she seems way more switched on and stable than her brother.

I couldn't arrange it with mum, I've tried before regarding anxiety issues and she seemed all on board and then never heard anything ever again. I can't do much if she doesn't want it to happen, it's frustrating.

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