Really stuck with DSS now

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Okay, I suppose there's no need to justify it if both DSS and I know that he's lying.

Yeah, his dad needs to say it more. I say it a lot to DSD and I always tell her I'm proud of her, less so to DSS but when I get the opportunity to then I do.

He most definitely hasn't realised that me and DP are on the same team, we're extremely united on a lot of things when it comes to the children which I am so lucky for a makes my step parent experience so much easier!

I think DSS may need to know that we are united but we're all on the same side, I'm going to start encouraging sprinkling positivity towards the children more. It's just hard making sure it's equal when DSS craves more, I don't want DSD then thinking 'hey wait a minute what about me?' Because that's how it already goes at mums house which is abit naff.

He needs professional help, especially if this has come up only in the last six months. Something has changed and he needs support to get to the bottom of it.

I really dislike characterizing this incident as ‘lies’. He saw his dad behaving ?roughly, and saw what he thought was an injury. He’s not lying. This isn’t him ‘lying and lying’. He’s describing an incident that he saw, that you believe he has misinterpreted.

@MeltingFlamenco

To add to that, do you think it's possible he enjoys playing your DP and his nan off against each other?

Children do this unfortunately especially If they sense a divide between said adults.

Of course he does. That is what it's all about.

I feel totally differently to all pp's and feel OP has been given a hard time.

But. There are a couple of things on this thread that make also me very uncomfortable.

But, I come from a totally different viewpoint to most, in that I have worked with/ tried to help, 2 families where lies were catastrophic and SS involved and children nearly lost.

So, I would recommend getting the dss lying documented, to protect yourself, (and photos of birthmark now!), like the pp who sadly says she can't be alone with the child to protect her job should he make a false allegation. I'd get it documented with GP and school counsellor (especially given his lying re teacher). Dh can do this, without mother's intervention or approval.

However if you start this, be warned you may be opening a can of worms. The 2 families above trusted the school counsellor, but it was actually made worse by their involvement, and the family's all later wished they'd never started. So take heed.

I wouldn't do nothing though. This lying needs to be addressed. Most posters on MN understandably would be dismissive, but when you've seen the damage I have, you are staggered at how quickly a child telling 'little white lies' can snowball.

You are talking to him like he’s an adult. I can’t believe you tried to tell him that his dad doesn’t really have much more time with his baby sibling.

He simply can’t have when DSS goes between the houses.

My advice will be step back and engage minimal. Honestly let his father take charge.

You’ll see a difference after a few weeks

Let your husband do all the parenting… everything, even making him food, and let him spend time with his son Alone.

It sounds to me like he really wants attention from his father.

A friend of mine…. Her dss was a teenager and was acting up! Misbehaving in school, having problems with his father and difficultly with stepmom (my friend). She liked you tried to help him and talk to him etc. She then got fed up with it all… as nothing changed.

She then just stopped engaging much with him and all parenting to the father, including making dinner etc. There was a really difference she notice with time. He also matured.

I can understand why he jealous of his brother who has more family stability and doesn’t have to go between two house holds. All children want their parents together… it’s natural and normal. I have friends who parents separate at 2…and have admitted trying to get them back together at his age … thou they don’t remember them together properly.

I honestly think time and space will help you.

I think you need to have a sit down with him (his favourite drink, when he's in a good mood) say you're so pleased he has lots of people he can talk to about his worries and that you heard he'd mentioned a concern about his brother to his nan.

Tell him his brother did very lucky to have his big brother looking out for him.

Show him the photos of his brothers birth mark at different stages, then show him the mark actually on his brother.

Tell him you and his dad are always there to answer any questions or worries he has and that it could help clear things up more quickly because you know what's going on in the house and the other side of the family doesn't. But, that he's perfectly entitled to talk to any trusted adult he chooses.

Social services contact is bloody terrifying for anyone but they are well aware of siblings telling tall tales and getting the wrong end of the stick. As per PP comment about "dad beating mum". No one wants that call but it's not the end of the world

I don’t think the op should be sitting down with him. I think his dad should be doing that.

@MissTrip82

I'm not sure if I characterised this specific incident as him lying, if I did I should have said more that he told what he saw but had half the information.

He's lied a lot before and I think that's why this has threw me.

@Greenwateringcan

Because of DPs shifts, he literally gets to see DS when the DSC are with us so yeah they all see their dad the same amount.

And why not, it's not like we sat him down and said 'look mate get over it daddy doesn't see X that much either so stop being a jealous twat'
He was spoken to as a child but informed that although DS lives with daddy he doesn't get any more extra quality time.

@Guavafish

DP is heavily involved in both DSC, he's a really hands on dad and I can't fault him with a lot of stuff - someone will crop up and say 'what about this situation' but no one is perfect and parents make mistakes.

It's hard to step back and watch it unfold but I understand what you are saying.

@Greenwateringcan

I don’t think the op should be sitting down with him. I think his dad should be doing that.

Sorry I did mean both of them

@rishisboater

This is a good idea, thank you.

You are right, I don't want to put him off being able to talk to adults he trusts.

@Greenwateringcan

No, I wouldn't do anything on my own with him. Not at the minute while he's in the porky pie stage, I've said before if he's so brazen to lie about his dad then what in the world would he say about me?

Shifts or not, your DS lives in a home with both parents. You shouldn’t minimise that or try to explain it away to your DSS.

@Oblomov21

Thank you, ultimately I just want to help DSS.

I'm not here character assassinate or claim I hate his guts, I'm just trying to explain in dribs and drabs what he's been doing which has possibly lead to this and made me and my DP extremely uncomfortable.

I'm trying to nip everything in the bud as soon as possibly before it does escalate like you've said it can. I don't want him to get into such a pickle with his lies and I don't want the fall out of the lies to affect the already threaded relationship between us and mum.
I just didn't know what to do to stop it.

@Greenwateringcan

I agree, even now at 30 odd I wish my parents were together.

I think my issues is, I'm quite a cut and dry black and white kind of person and I'm very 'well that's the way it is get over it'
Obviously I have never said that to DSS or DSD for that matter and never would because it's how they feel but I do find it difficult to get my head round stuff, like this.

But can’t you see that your DSS will know that’s nonsense? Even with shifts, your DS has his mum and dad in the same house even if your DS IS asleep or his dad is asleep.

I just think that’s such an insensitive thing to have said to him I’m really sorry but even as an adult that would annoy me because it’s not the same at all as what your DSS has to manage.

He’s 9. He’s only a wee boy. Get over it that is how it is just sounds so harsh.

@Greenwateringcan

The thing that confuses me is he's a mummy's boy, nothing wrong with it, but he would prefer to be at his mums than his dads given the chance.

[quote ilikeagoodsarnie]@Greenwateringcan

The thing that confuses me is he's a mummy's boy, nothing wrong with it, but he would prefer to be at his mums than his dads given the chance. [/quote]
That’s probably because he gets 100% of his mums time. He doesn’t get 100% of his dads time. He gets your time but no offence but you are not his mum.

The time your DSS has with his dad is no where near the same as your DS time with his dad. Your Ds feels secure as his parents are together.

@Feelingoktoday

Actually it's the complete opposite.
Mum is constantly palming off the kids to nan and childcare when she has them because she's picked up a job that is after school and her boyfriend has done the same. That's one thing that frustrates us, my DP has the kids when he's not working but he's looking to change his job and I've offered to step up more with childcare so that we can still have the DSC the same as what we do now and be there for them, whereas mum isn't doing a skilled job or a job requiring certain education so she could have got a job during school hours so she could be there for the kids but chose not to.

We've also had the DSC the majority of the time this year - not that that bothers me I enjoy them being here.

Coz school hour jobs are just so easy to get.

You have a major attitude problem towards his mum.

@Greenwateringcan

I don't actually I just don't agree with some of the things she does that's all.

I could list all the things but you'd still come back probably trying to justify them 🤷🏼‍♀️