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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really stuck with DSS now

210 replies

ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 20:32

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:06

@bluebell34567

He's been told, a lot!

The last set of lies he blamed is mum and said she was lying and he'd never said any of it.
Although the situation was clearly him.

I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:07

@lunar1

Thank you for giving it from and 'inside' perspective, it really helps.

From your experience in this situation, if you could, what can we do to reassure or eliminate the need for lying?

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lunar1 · 21/07/2021 23:13

For me it was the conflict between my parents, the expectation to divide our life.

My mum would swear to this day that we weren't aware of the conflict because it suits her to see it that way. Our life felt like it was built on quicksand.

Pinchoftums · 21/07/2021 23:14

Wait until your child is 9 and come back to us. I say this as a mother and stepmother. In his eyes his Dad was overreacting. Who does he speak to but an adult he trusts.

Feelingoktoday · 21/07/2021 23:14

Yabu. You should not tell a 9 year old what he can or can’t tell his nan. Who do you think you are? That is controlling behaviour. Clearly your DP did something that his child did not like. The child was 100% correct telling his nan. Tough of SS came visiting you. If you have nothing to worry about why are you worried?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 23:14

ilikeagoodsarnie understand that he's probably worrying and to some degree saying what he thinks his adults (you, his dad, his mum, his nan) want to hear and getting himself into a mess - he's probably constantly worrying he's going to get into trouble (he even tells you that).

Do the positive attention for no reason (and of course for being helpful etc) and minimal attention for negative behaviour. Let him see you do the same with both his siblings. Don't comment either way if he says anything negative about his mum or nan - just acknowledge you've heard in a non committal way.

Its very difficult because there are at least 3 or four adults involved and some of them are in conflict. Ideally everyone should be on the same page.

Getting him play therapy isn't only his mum's job - he has two parents, and his dad can equally take on responsibility. There's no reason that only his mum can organise help for him.

pastafeend · 21/07/2021 23:19

I * would do anything for that little boy, but when he has lied and lied and dragged my son into his lies I'm sad. I don't know what we've done wrong literally in the past 6 months.*

Your answer lies here...

the relationship from our household to his nan isn't good at all and DSS knows that.

He does not and should not know that. He should not be made to feel in the middle of anything. He is allowed to speak freely to his Nan, irrespective of what you think. If a 9 year old is causing trouble it is almost certainly stemming from either the actions of the adults around them, or an issue in school. You have posted enough to see that it's clear the adults are failing him, badly.

Fireflygal · 21/07/2021 23:20

I've just got defensive over my son because he's dragging my son into his other life and in my head that's not for him to do

It's not his "other" life...it's his life and it's the price you pay to be a stepmum. I know its difficult but because you are involved with your partner, you are in the chaos and drama.

I really would encourage you to look behind the nans anger and don't immediately assume there is no substance

Your dss is fearful and he was highly concerned for your ds (which you should take positively). Again don't dismiss it..he has lived with your dp, 3 times as long as you have.

Your dss isn't causing the drama, he is reacting to the trauma that was there before you arrived on the scene. However you can't fix this or even control it. You have to give up trying as otherwise you will end up resentful, drained and exhausted.

If SS are involved then you will be able to handle it and prove any allegations are false. The only way dss will get better is if his parents communicate calmly. What is your partners relationship like with his Ex?

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:21

@lunar1

I totally get that, even now in my 30s my dad won't speak to my mum and I miss out on a lot so it is hard. From that perspective, both mum and dad talk and communicate really well but I think DSS is desperate for them to get back together to the point where he had to be told that mum and dad are better as friends.

I suppose you end up being 2 different people with the divide but wouldn't they just happen naturally, not the 2 different people but the divide. It's 2 different sets of people, mum and dad who parent differently so there would be a different set of expectations?
Forgive me if I'm wrong, I thought it would naturally happen that way.

If I've insulted you I apologise, I'm just trying to take on as much information as possible and apply it to help and support DSS.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:22

@Pinchoftums

True, I've never dealt with a 9 year old before so im not sure what is the norm. I know for sure lying isn't, not to the extent it's happening now especially when it's only cropped up fairly recently.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:24

@Feelingoktoday

Not sure if you've read my replies to other posters, I'd forgive you because they are rather long!!

I don't think I'm anyone special but someone did hit the nail on the head with...

A woman who has been pretty awful has been told a piece of information she would gladly use as a weapon (and the fact that DSS has been lying through his teeth for the past 6 months about every little thing his dad does)

It's frustrating when there is literally nothing you can do, you can't even defend yourself or your family because he's only 9.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:29

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Part of me feels he's worrying he'll get into trouble because I knows he's lying but doesn't understand he's trying to please everyone.

We don't acknowledge much of the negative, it's normally 'oh okay' or 'that's not nice'.

I would love it if everyone was on the same page, it would 10x easier to sort this all out. I have tried to do that but it take everyone to want to do it.

Mum doesn't like dad having much of a say, it could be suggested to her that dad sorts something out and discussed and see where it goes. It's tough with mum, one day she's worried about him the next there's nothing wrong with him (in her eyes I mean) and you can be on a good page with her and then it turns and you've lost it.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:33

@pastafeend

He does know that and shouldn't know that. I'm not sure how many times I need to agree with you?

I'm confused because I'm not arguing with you I'm agreeing with you, I'm just trying to tell you how it is.

We do not intentionally make me him feel in the middle or that he cannot talk about things with his nan. If we did, I would be mortified!

And with the first quote, what do you want me to say? He has lied, a lot. I have tried to get to the bottom of it, so has his dad. Every. Single. Time but we are getting nowhere, we are trying to support him and when we think we've got it right then he's lied some more!

He has been failed, miserably by many adults in his life. I am trying to pick that up but I'm one woman that unfortunately cannot just whip every other adult into line!

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UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 23:38

ilikeagoodsarnie children who feel safe, secure and unconditionally loved are not lying compulsively at age 9. Your DSS is stuck between a rock, a hard place and something else equally stone-like with his mum, dad and nan by the sounds of it and he's clearly been damaged somewhat. If his mum is flakey hisdad has to step up - he has to do something to stop the conflictwith nan playing out in front of the children (such as seeking a restraining order against nan because of the traumatic effect on the children of witnessing the shouting and screaming). Play therapy can be arranged for when DSS is with his dad - it doesn't matter what his mum likes in this case. The child needs help.

This situation isn't his fault, he needs help to find healthier strategies to deal with it.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:38

@Fireflygal

No it's not and I was wrong to say that, I do see it as 'us' and 'them' because although they are the DSC family they're not mine so I find it hard.

Nans anger comes from DP getting ex pregnant at 18 and leaving her 3 years later because apparently they were 'explosive' (this was from both of them they know they're better as friends) and you know what? I don't blame nan for it, he screwed her daughter over I'd be pretty pissed off too! But I sure as hell wouldn't bring the kids into any of it!

The fear confuses me because 99% of the time he doesn't even acknowledge that DS is there!

No I haven't always been in DSS life and that's where I faulter, I don't know what my DP was like before me and anything could have happened before me.

Their relationship is okay, they communicate but she explodes pretty quickly when DSS tells her something, she won't even let DP explain.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 21/07/2021 23:39

I feel so so sorry for this child. His life is completely fucked up already and he is only 9 years old. He is being failed by the adults in his life.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:40

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Restraining orders don't help nan keep her mouth from saying shit about dad when the kids are around 😕

I'm going to get him to look into play therapy, because you're right. Ultimately he needs help and he needs it now.

Can I ask, I've never heard of it, what is it exactly?

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:41

@nimbuscloud

I'm with you, just trying to pick up the pieces.

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UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 23:42

Don't try to get to the bottom of the lies every. single. time. That's rewarding lying with negative attention (unhappy children seek negative attention) and it also won't get you anywhere - you're just forcing him to dig himself deeper into a hole.

Most adults don't know and can't explain why they lie if they do, let alone children. Analysing your own intentionality is a very complex skill indeed.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 23:48

Play therapy guides children to express and explore their feelings and develop coping strategies through play (using role play, small world - like lego, Playmobil- play, drawing, puppets etc). It can be just the child and therapist or sometimes siblings together with the therapist or at some points the parent/s join a session guided by the therapist too.

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:48

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Okay so, with this situation I'm just going to leave. If it gets any bigger or if something similar crops up do I then address it?

I say as in do I address it and not my DP because like I've said to someone before DSS will say 'don't tell daddy I don't want to get in trouble' - he's never gotten into trouble for something he's said I just think he doesn't like being caught out as such.

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Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:53

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I've just had a quick scan on google, I think this is definitely something to suggest to mum. Thank you so much for suggesting it yourself.

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Newcastleteacake · 21/07/2021 23:54

Apologies if I've missed it but how old is your DS?

You say things have gotten worse in the last 6 months. Do you think DSS is having a difficult time with your DS having 2 full time parents where that's all that DSS wants but will only ever have the 2 part time parents? And he is obtaining attention the only way he knows how?

Original poster
ilikeagoodsarnie · 21/07/2021 23:58

@Newcastleteacake

No it's okay 😊

He's nearly 9 months now and yes DSS has outright said to mum that he's jealous of DS and 'wishes things would go back to how they were before he was here' which makes me incredibly sad.

My DP and I sat him down and explained that DP only really sees our DS the same amount as he sees DSS. I don't think that helped because nothing has changed really.
I knew it was coming when DS was born but it's come with the wrong sibling which shocked both me and DP

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UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 23:59

ilikeagoodsarnie I'd offer no comment if you know he's lying. Don't force himself to dig himself deeper, don't get drawn in. Offer reassurance that hisdad loves him whatever and if he's saying these things to you when his dad isn't there give his dad the heads up to randomly remind his son he lives him unconditionally.

It may be your DSS has noticed that you've been flattered in the past by being his confidant and buffer between his nan and dad or mum and dad or school and dad or whatever. He's probably saying don't tell dad partly because he is worried and partly because he's trying to flatter you and keep you on his side - he probably has rather warped idea of adult relationships given his history, and doesn't necessarily see you and his dad as a united team... He needs to be sure at least one of you is on his side...

You could say "your dad and I love you no matter what" and leave it at that.